Painted white again...

[maxsterling]

... .and boy do I feel uncomfortable.  This is the most consistently positive and happy my wife has been towards me in many, many months.  It's only been 3 days of this, and I just feel weird and on edge.  There's still been no acknowledgement or any kind of apology for her past abusive behavior. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Sunfl0wer]

Good for you! It would be easy to want to just sit back and enjoy being white and get caught up in it.  You have been doing some hard work on yourself.  I think your discomfort is an excellent indicator of a healthy mind.  It sounds like what you are experiencing, is her behavior and attitude are out of sync with your understanding if reality.  Sounds like you are keeping true to Max!

[Ceruleanblue]

Yeah, hard as it is, I think we as nons have to try to stay steady. I struggle with it, but I keep thinking about it so one day I  have it perfected. I'm trying to not get too happy over his "good times" or too low over his bad ones. My idea is to be less reactive to either. I feel my job as the non is to set boundaries for myself, take care of myself, and be consistent with him. He needs someone stable and steady, because he himself, is not.

It's not easy, and I totally understand your uneasiness, because at any time she could paint you black again. You have the advantage though, because you know it will be coming, and you have the tools to deal with it. It still stinks, but think how it is for them? BPDh is learning many tools in DBT, but he still struggles so hard in the face of his anger or dsyregulation to use them. It's so easy for them to KNOW what they should do, but fall back into old patters. It just seems to be much, much harder for him to contain his reactions and emotions, but that is essentially what BPD is... .

[an0ught]

... .and boy do I feel uncomfortable.  This is the most consistently positive and happy my wife has been towards me in many, many months.  It's only been 3 days of this, and I just feel weird and on edge.  There's still been no acknowledgement or any kind of apology for her past abusive behavior. 

Your wife lives in the now - past is ancient past for her.

I fully understand you feel uncomfortable when she is over the top. To validate positive emotions is a lot easier on us and also helps to regulate emotions making her more rationale.

[Grey Kitty]

   You are growing.

That being painted white like this doesn't feel good shows how much you have grown.

(I don't have anything to say about your wife here... .you know what's up)

[maxsterling]

I had the MRI on my brain yesterday.  I don't know if I want them to find something or not.  If they find something, I have an answer.  If they don't, it just means I have to live with it and not know why my ears ring and my head feels full of pressure all the time. 

Whatever it is, I don't doubt that stress is a factor. Another "stress related" ailment I am noticing lately is dandruff.   I have had dandruff for years, but it gets much worse when I am stressed.  Same goes with eczema.  I started to get eczema real bad on my hands when I was unemployed.  When I got a new job, the rash went away within a few weeks. 

I still am pointe white.  My wife has had a few melt downs over the weekend relating to the job.  Nothing new here, but it's becoming apparent once again that just ordinary job functions are causing her tremendous stress.  I had been hopeful that she'd be able to manage it this time, but I am seeing that the likelihood of her still having this job by the end of this year is probably small.  Once again, she is leaning on me to "save" her.  I need to step out of that role. 

[Ceruleanblue]

Well Max, as you know, they cycle. Try to enjoy the "good" for as long as it's there, because while it sounds negative, you know the "bad" is coming back around. My husband had me painted semi white after we reconciled, but just yesterday he told our MC that he fears me physically. I was shocked, but sort of always knew he was capable of such a lie(he lies so much). Oh, the irony. I've had bruises so often from when he gets mad, yet I've never retaliated or hurt him, so this is TOTAL and complete sh*t.

He says he fears things will escalate. He also clarified after we got home(and he was trying to dig himself out), that he fears he might hurt me, and I'd retaliate. I told him he has hurt me before, but I forgave him, and if he'd truly been a wife beater of course I'd have left him. I told him that I stayed because he's getting help and I think these occurrences are tied to his disorder. I then went on to say that if he ever hurts me like he fears, I'd call the police, but I wouldn't retaliate. He's seeing me through the filter of his ex wife who actually did stab him and hit him with a hammer.

I hope you get a long run, and she gets more extensive help. You deserve a peaceful life, and she must be miserable.