His crazy accusations... I'm now called to a "Penal Conciliation"?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have enough of all this sh*t.

I had 2 charges against me:

one for entering his studio flat "against his will", when in fact he opened the door and then locked me in and called the police INSTANTLY.

another for trying to run him over with my car when in fact he stood in the middle of the road in an attempt to provoke me and I calmly turned and left. He then went to hospital to show "wounds" (What the heck?) and got a certificate from a psychologist showing "how shocked he was". When HE came to my house with his parents to attack me verbally and then try to take baby from my arms, and finally tried to keep me from entering my car.

I was told the 2nd charge was off as "there was no evidence".

But they're calling me about the first one, when I have ALREADY explained it all to the police, and filed for harrassment.

My lawyer told me that complaint was just ridiculous and I have to take time off work for THIS?

I'm getting really angry at all this.

I've no idea whether BPDh will be there or not. I hope not as he scares me to death and I will not be able to explain things if he's there.

Oh God, all this is so hard.  :'(

[Indyan]

I have enough of all this sh*t.

I had 2 charges against me:

one for entering his studio flat "against his will", when in fact he opened the door and then locked me in and called the police INSTANTLY.

another for trying to run him over with my car when in fact he stood in the middle of the road in an attempt to provoke me and I calmly turned and left. He then went to hospital to show "wounds" (What the heck?) and got a certificate from a psychologist showing "how shocked he was". When HE came to my house with his parents to attack me verbally and then try to take baby from my arms, and finally tried to keep me from entering my car.

I was told the 2nd charge was off as "there was no evidence".

But they're calling me about the first one, when I have ALREADY explained it all to the police, and filed for harrassment.

My lawyer told me that complaint was just ridiculous and I have to take time off work for THIS?

I'm getting really angry at all this.

I've no idea whether BPDh will be there or not. I hope not as he scares me to death and I will not be able to explain things if he's there.

Oh God, all this is so hard.  :'(

[Aussie JJ]

It depends on the type of person that your ex is. 

Mine wants to be a victim and told by everyone that she is the poor person dealing with the crazy lunatic ex.  As soon as I went lawyer on her she was scared ___less of me being basically emotionless.  I cut everything out overnight on advice of psychologist, gave her nothing to feed off or read into.  In this she lost control over me. 

How has your ex behaved previously in the relationship etc.  Acting out, expect it more in court and dramatized to the extreme.  Is he very vocal with complaints, wants the attention, then expect that.  How were you attracted to him in the first place, expect these same tactics to win people of influence over. 

My ex is covert action stab you in the back type.  She does everything behind my back and then pops in unexpectedly to have her say when she thinks its important (her schedule).  She was nice to everyone when I met and behind everyone's back bad mouthed them to me. 

If your ex is going around telling everyone how bad you are and that your abusive like this, expect the same but louder at court.  Everyone is different, all of us as people and our ex's exist somewhere the spectrum of mental illness.  Whatever their way of regulating and dealing with those emotions has been previously it will likely be in the future.  You know the play better than us as you know your ex better than us. 

All I can say, people around here have been surprised (myself included) by the lengths that they will go to to get someone to tell them "poor you".  There are no limits on the lie's (your figuring this out now) and they are convinced that it is the truth, so beyond that, just be ready for anything and then focus on the facts, the truth and stick to it in as simple a way as possible.  If you can say it in 2 words instead of three, try to learn to say it in on word. 

When feelings are facts they change constantly and with this so does the story.  Stick to facts and make it very simple for people to understand. 

You have to paint an accurate picture in as few words as possible and be consistent in the message you are putting forward to the professionals. 


AJJ. 

[Indyan]

Thanks a million for your reply.

And oh yes, he can go very, very far for people to pity him. He even wen beyond the beyonds in front of a priest who was there to help us "communicate".

The thing is I'm scared to lose my temper (I don't get angry easily but I show indignation, fear and sadness) if he's there.

It's not court apparently though, just a "discussion" aiming at making peace LOL.

Peace with that madman pleaaaase!

[Thread]

Yes we separated, my choice, he painted me black, nasty texts, I was the most awful person in the world, then I was the best person soon after and he was to blame for everything, this went back and for

For 6 months.

Why did I let him back? I thought therapy was helping and didn't understand borderline to the extent I do now. He came back,6 months or really 90 days he was back to borderline characteristics, 6 months it was full blown rages 2-3 times a week.

Now with the therapy(not the right kind) it's 2-4 times per month.

[Aussie JJ]

And oh yes, he can go very, very far for people to pity him. He even wen beyond the beyonds in front of a priest who was there to help us "communicate".

Ok ill be offline for a bit, I don't have 100 % internet access with new job however here, this is triangulation. 

Victim:

You're wife with a partner who cant communicate well with her. 

Pursecutor:

Evil husband who has no way of making me feel happy, he doesn't communicate properly. 

Saviour:

Priest who will fix it all and save her, make it all better.  Problem is no longer hers, he will fix this!

Identify it, name it, step out of the role's, it is toxic and no-one wins. 

For me I have to totally opposite mantras here, I am the victim of my own actions, I have control over them, they are my choice I am the one that causes these problems (Persecutor).  I am the only one who can solve these, if people choose to help so be it but it is on me to fix it up. 

Take responsibility for yourself first, don't play that game.  It sucks but believe me it is pretty awesome once you stop feeling self pity and start making decisions and own them 100 %. 

In regards to your ex partner.  The opposite comes into play, he or she is the victim of his or her own actions and only he or she can choose to change those actions.  I can influence by my own good example however I am not responsible for his or her healthy or unhealthy choices. 

Their was an alternative to the karpman drama triangle that was published, I cant remember it exactly but it said when ever your find yourself in these roles try to step out and change the dynamic, don't play the loosing game here. 

as i finish typing it i remember what its called, please find wikipedia below!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Empowerment_Dynamic

If instead of in this meeting with the priest JADEing the conversation (I was there I did this... .not passing judgement) in the role of the persecutor you offered solutions, challenged the status quo of this triangle to make it so the priest didn't have all the answers, it was no longer a triangle where solutions and ways forward could be found instead of blame appointed, concentrated on a solution or tried to work on being better at communicating and not defending just looking for a solution, your stepping out of that triangle and making a new one that puts the choice to change back on your ex partner and removed blame. 

"I am here, I can hear what your saying, lets get better at communicating then, lets learn to talk to each other with more openness.  Mr priest, what would you recommend as a way forward so we get better at communicating"  (Puts him in the role of the coach to move forward and stop the blame game)

Own the problem jointly, find a solution, guide towards a healthy outcome.  And that assertiveness to ask the other person, this is what i am defining your role as, you cant solve everything, that is us, how would you recommend going forward with solving this problem that WE have.  If you keep coming up with solutions, eventually people will get that it isnt you that is obstructing and delaying prgress. 

For the record, I still am not that good at this, I am learning and enjoying it every day I get a bit better at it.  Not a preacher here just someone who is starting to be guided so to speak by others. 


AJJ. 

[Indyan]

Thanks for your advice.

Things didn't go well in fact.

The "mediator" started off by asking him "What were you hoping for when you filed a complaint for trespassing your home" ?

Madman gave a lengthy speech on how violent and hysterical a person I was, that I literally tortured him during our 2 year r/s, emotionally and physically... .etc... .

I kept silent, the mediator was nice, she kept looking at me and said "don't worry, you'll get to speak soon".

And I almost fainted, the mediator brought me a glass of water. Did Madman stop a little? Not at all, he kept on and on.

When it was my turn, I told the truth: he actually locked me into his flat, refused to let me go, then threatened to push me down the stairs... .

When I started to talk he took his laptop out of his bag "to keep track of everything I said", the mediator told him off.

When he heard my version (the truth), he pretended to cry. The mediator didn't pay attention.

She also shouted at him for not having given the house keys back... .

After 45 minutes of hell, the mediator concluded "you're accusing each other of more or less the same things, I'm concerned for your baby and will contact the social services."

She then let me go first.

I tried to call her, she was never available, I was told to try next Tuesday.

I'm scared.

[ForeverDad]

On the other hand... .

(1) She might have been trying to defuse a touchy session, stating you were both accusing the other is to some extent correct though of course not in its fullest sense.  Yes, she may have let the ranting go overlong but it also gave him more opportunity to show his colors and perhaps sink his own case.  It didn't sound like she was giving a decision but an observation.  To a certain extent, without some documentation of what really happened, it was "he said, she said".

(2) "I'm concerned for your baby and will contact the social services."  Well, frankly, aren't you concerned too?  Likely Social Services is being called in to get a more in-depth knowledge of the overall situation and how the children are impacted.  Your goal is to make sure your children are given protections from abuse, neglect and endangerment, also that your parenting is seen as reasonable and appropriate, that your account is seen as more credible.

Why do I say that?  In part, many here have Been There, Done That.  What seems at first to be invalidating or even scary turns out better than we feared. Well, maybe not always but more often than our racing imaginations lead us to expect.  For example, "I almost fainted, the mediator brought me a glass of water" and "she then let me go first."  I think that' could be a positive.  Usually the 'victim' is allowed to leave first so the apparent aggressor can't lie in wait outside.

It's okay to be a little scared.  (We all were, especially at the beginning!)  A little fear/concern is a protection, you would be less overconfident.  Just don't let it overwhelm you.

[Indyan]

Thanks a million Foreverdad :-))

I need to bear all this in mind, even if sometimes it's hard.

I also think the woman was truly concerned about him, especially that I had first contacted her regarding supervised visits, then she saw me alone (he didn't show up), and I explained the whole story (including a shooting on my family house a few months ago where he's strongly suspected).

He's freaky, yes the situation is freaky.

I guess she couldn't have said to him "you're weird and freaky, I'll report about you". First, she needs FACTS, and second it could be dangerous for me to blame the man only... .

[Indyan]

A few months ago, I asked my D10 what the whole story with her stepdad had taught her. And she answered two things:

- "You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason... ." 

- We should never underestimate what crazy prople may do, even if they look just a "little" crazy... .