Reaching out after "break" backfired

[shatra]

Hi

  I am very upset over reaching out to my BPD.  I texted and then called him to get more direct answers on our break/breakup 5 months ago.  He had been overwhelmed by work and I changed my work schedule so it interfered with our relationship... .fast forward to now----he is socializing with a female "friend" who is interested in him romantically.

   We texted and then talked----he is having problems in his apartment and his kid is bringing in a new roommate there, etc. so he was dysregulated during the "reach out" I tried. I really validated his stress, and then I added to his stress by asking about how long our "break" would be---he started yelling and said "Let's make it a breakup"!  and when I asked why he gave no real reasons.  He said he felt badgered by my asking details about the break.

    I was also horrified when he said that since we "aren't married, what's the big deal about breaking up".  And after being jealous over the possibility of me dating another man during the break, all of a sudden he said he hopes I will find a better match for myself than he was.  This is all so opposite of how he was months ago, and I feel very anxious.

Shatra

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[formflier]

Hi

  I am very upset over reaching out to my BPD.  I texted and then called him to get more direct answers on our break/breakup 5 months ago.  He had been overwhelmed by work and I changed my work schedule so it interfered with our relationship... .fast forward to now----he is socializing with a female "friend" who is interested in him romantically.

   We texted and then talked----he is having problems in his apartment and his kid is bringing in a new roommate there, etc. so he was dysregulated during the "reach out" I tried. I really validated his stress, and then I added to his stress by asking about how long our "break" would be---he started yelling and said "Let's make it a breakup"!  and when I asked why he gave no real reasons.  He said he felt badgered by my asking details about the break.

    I was also horrified when he said that since we "aren't married, what's the big deal about breaking up".  And after being jealous over the possibility of me dating another man during the break, all of a sudden he said he hopes I will find a better match for myself than he was.  This is all so opposite of how he was months ago, and I feel very anxious.

Shatra

What was your goal to reaching out?  Did you want answers so you could move on with your life?

Or...

Do you want to restart the r/s with him?

FF

[shatra]

Hi

  Formflier wrote

What was your goal to reaching out?  Did you want answers so you could move on with your life?

Or...

Do you want to restart the r/s with him?

----Well I wanted answers because the breakup was sudden and wasn't really explained by him. He just said he needed time on his own. Also I reached out because I feel uncomfortable with his "friend" wanting a romance with him

---I wanted the possibility of restarting the relationship, but now I am feeling anxious---by him basically telling me to meet a new man who's a better partner for me, and breaking it off after several years without explanation, I am shocked. Is this common with them? Do they often do a turnaround?

Thanks

Shatra

[rotiroti]

Sorry that you didn't get the reaction you were hoping for. How long were you guys together before the 5 month break-up? Has it been complete no contact since the break?

It seems like the recycles and restarts almost always has to be on the pwBPD's terms. You having brought it up can be seen as a lack of control from their end.

[shatra]

Hi

  Neveragain----

  We were together for several years before the breakup. It was complete no contact since the break.  I felt upset over his rekindling a "friendship" with a female.  You are right, he probably felt out of control re: my reaching out.

  He cannot give me a straight answer on why he felt the need to break up so I assume it may have been the push pull. I am quite disturbed over him telling me I can go find a better match than he was... .if a non told me this I'd assume it's over forever, but a BPD saying it may mean something different?

Thanks

Shatra

[shatra]

Hi

   I am upset that  after the pwBPD being jealous over the possibility of me dating another man during the break, all of a sudden he said he "hopes I will find a better match for myself" than he was. 

    Have people had experience with this? Does it sound like push pull, or something else?

Shatra

[rotiroti]

Sorry to hear that shatra, that sounds incredibly painful


pwBPD tend to project... .for example if they were cheating they would convince us of cheating. My ex would do this all the time with her emotions, when she was feeling angry she would accuse me of being angry. Frustrating times!

[Tomzxz]

I can relate.

Three months after the breakup, I stopped by my ex's grandmother’s house (where she was staying) to apologize to her and reach out.

very observant rotiroti, I see now that me having brought it up can be seen as a lack of control from her end.

She flew into a disproportionate narcissistic rage in response. It was at that point I realized that her narcissism was far more controlling of her life than her BPD and that there was no hope that she would seek the proper help.

Mine also said that I will find a better match for myself. 

[shatra]

Hi---

   Yes you are right---if we reach out before they are ready, they see it as us having "control" and they react and push us further.

He said he felt badgered by my asking details about the break.   I was also horrified when he said that since we "aren't married, what's the big deal about breaking up".  I wonder if this is him devaluing/splitting the relationship black?

Shatra

[MaroonLiquid]

He said he felt badgered by my asking details about the break.   I was also horrified when he said that since we "aren't married, what's the big deal about breaking up".  I wonder if this is him devaluing/splitting the relationship black?

Shatra

It could be that he feels that since you aren't married, there is no real attachment to each other and therefore it "should be no big deal" to go separate ways.  In a way, there is some logic to that.  It's also an "easy way out" comment that aleviates any "responsibility" on his end.  pwBPD are great at that aren't they?  It is obviously hurtful to hear as it invalidates how you feel about the relationship.  Thoughts?

[shatra]

Thanks for the feedback Maroon---

  He actually took some responsibility, saying he just doesn't have the time available due to work and family tasks. His saying "we weren't married, what's the big deal about breaking up"  sounded to me like he was dissociating/detaching form feelings.  It actually is a big deal, emotionally and logically, to let go of a long-term relationship. And since BPDs especially don't do well with endings, I am confused.  I wonder if it is his way of devaluing/splitting  because if he acknowledged that it hurts even though it wasn't a marriage, it would be painful. In other words, it's "less painful" to lose a relationship that is devalued.

    Thoughts or similar experiences?

Shatra

[MaroonLiquid]

Thanks for the feedback Maroon---

  He actually took some responsibility, saying he just doesn't have the time available due to work and family tasks. His saying "we weren't married, what's the big deal about breaking up"  sounded to me like he was dissociating/detaching form feelings.  It actually is a big deal, emotionally and logically, to let go of a long-term relationship. 

It is difficult to end a long term r/s (married or not).  We can both can agree on that.  I have found that pwBPD (at least my wife anyway, tend to "feel" something in that moment to alleviate any guilt on their part.  What he is saying is "logical" in the sense that you aren't married (no "legel" tie) and therefore it is easier to detach from the destruction of a meaningful r/s and therefore can detach from the feeling, guilt of it.  I hope that makes more sense.

[shatra]

 I hadn't thought of that, that he would feel guilty. He hasn't voiced that feeling,mostly just focusing on anger... .I was thinking by saying "we weren't married"  he was trying to reduce his own sadness over the loss of relationship,,,the way a kid says "The toy wasn't that important anyway" after they lose a toy, so it hurts less to lose it.  But it may be that he feels guilty for ending it, and as you wrote, is trying to reduce his own feeling of guilt. I find him to be loaded with emotion, but reluctant to talk about the emotions.