Trauma, how did you guys move beyond it?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

What tools have you guys used to move beyond trauma? Has it been useful to cry or feel angry to a counselor? Or is it best to just let it rot in the past and push forward? Or a combination of the two?

I tried to forget about it and meditated hardcore, but I eventually got to a point where the trauma was coming up on it's own. I can't really ignore it, but I'd like to eventually let it go.

[BuildingFromScratch]

What tools have you guys used to move beyond trauma? Has it been useful to cry or feel angry to a counselor? Or is it best to just let it rot in the past and push forward? Or a combination of the two?

I tried to forget about it and meditated hardcore, but I eventually got to a point where the trauma was coming up on it's own. I can't really ignore it, but I'd like to eventually let it go.

[vortex of confusion]

I don't really have any input or suggestions. I have been wondering about the same thing so I am looking to see if you get any good suggestions. 

[fromheeltoheal]

The tools I used were time and a constant, conscious focus on the future.  Plus, you might have noticed, these relationships affect us deeply, and that inspires a lot of emotions, perceptions and A-Ha moments to come up, and the most important thing is to feel them all the way, no going around, no avoiding, the only way out is through and it takes what it takes.  And that ain't pretty now and then, which is as it should be as we make sense of the world again, and if we get stuck or too confused we can go get some help, up to each of us to decide.  So bottom line, feel everything all the way while not losing sight of the goal, which is your bright future.

Sidebar:  I took my own advice mostly, bet there was a period of a few months where I drank like a fish, ate way too much shtty food, slept and lot, and was just a total drag to be around.  Wish I didn't do that, but I don't regret it especially, it was what it was and it takes what it takes.  And we get to cut ourselves some slack.

[joeramabeme]

I tried to forget about it and meditated hardcore, but I eventually got to a point where the trauma was coming up on it's own. I can't really ignore it, but I'd like to eventually let it go.

Not sure I follow you.  If it is coming up on its own how are you going to let it go?  Your statement sounds like you are implying there is a choose being made on your part.

You mentioned trauma, do you feel you were traumatized?  That would probably be best discussed with a T.  No shame in getting some help to process it all.

For me; I go to a T, I read this site, post on this site, have a couple friends who will still listen to me carry on for a little bit and sometimes I feel like crap and get depressed and work to get some perspective back.  Kind of been a repetitive pattern for a few months now.

Like H2H mentioned, I haven't been great at self care the last few months and pizza and ice cream have become a staple of my diet.  Not a great idea for me but I need some kind of relief... .

[BuildingFromScratch]

I meant to say that the meditation has brought up thoughts and feelings that I buried. It has helped me a lot, but also been very difficult, because of the amount of anger and fear that I've hid from most of my life.

[Blimblam]

building,

It would really depend on the councilor themselves but the requirements to become a councilor is only a bachelors in psychology I think. If you are able to afford it someone with more training might be able to better assist you work through your issues, and it may be a long term process.

It is important to realize that we are not qualified therapists here and what people will mostly tell you here advice wise is their personal choice of coping mechanism.

[whirlpoollife]

It's a process with practice, two steps foward, one step back... .but we are moving foward away from x.

After a three year long divorce , I still am traumatized ... .by xh still continuing his games and controls, but more so ... .by my own thoughts.  I keep letting triggers give me flashbacks.  I havnt been to a group counseling session ,at local crisis shelter, in a few months but time allowed me today so I went. 

They focus on self care. Focus on self without guilt . With colored pencils we colored in designs ... .past , present , future. While we colored, the counslor read positive words, we said some back and why. It is a deprogramming process. When I was going weekly it helped much. Today ,as always they offered healing touch. I always decline. But I went with it today... .it's not a message, it's touch... it was rough for me, too emotional. I wanted to run away.   But ... .I give myself credit for trying to move fwd.

When I first went into this counseling they said its a year for every three years of a relationship to heal. I was married 27 yrs. so... .I guess that's true... .even though I thought noo.

Im going to work on an art piece pertaining to xh. Maybe that will help.

Exercise with cardio and yoga are very helpful.

I think sometimes to just learn how to swim is just jump in the water... .find a jerk in a bar, get intamite , and let him run in my brain instead of xh.

[ambivalentmom]

I thought this was pretty good from another post:

TOOLS: US: Do not allow others to 'rent space' in your 'head'

Many of us have been habitually "renting out" the precious space in our minds to totally undeserving, and sometimes quite malicious, people for many years. So long, in fact, that it can actually be very tough to simply "turn off" this type of ultra-self-defeating behavior after all this time and practice. This gives others a considerable amount of emotional power and control over us. Don't let them rent space in your head! Read more.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=74749.0

We need to acknowledge they are in our heads and talk about it to get past it.  There probably is some worry about it taking over your life or even just putting off friends by talking about it too much.  Start with a professional, so they can help you find healthy ways to work on it yourself and what is appropriate to talk to others about/how much/how often.  You will be talking about it to help you move on, not to relive the past.

but I don't regret it especially, it was what it was and it takes what it takes.  And we get to cut ourselves some slack.

I really liked this because I spent so much time punishing myself for hiding his abuse.  I felt like I was a horrible mother for not doing everything in my power to stop it.  I spent too much time thinking about it and ways I could have prevented it.  I'm now starting to realize that what I did was exactly what I needed to do.  Everything that I did in reaction to ex's possible BPD is exactly what I should have done and there is no other way to react.  

Don't get discouraged if you feel broken and wonder how all those people with inspirational quotes got there.  I don't feel like a pheonix rising from the ashes, but I'm in a much better place.  I still react to some of what he says and worry when my daughter visits, but I am functioning and learning.  I have found healthy relationships, I'm learning about disorders, and I'm being a role model for my daughter.

Also take some time looking for ways to relax, just for you.  Make it as unproductive as possible.  If you paint, rip it up when you're done.  I started fishing, it would probably be productive if I ever caught anything  :'(


P.S. I meant nothing about vortex's profile pic with the pheonix comment, I just remembered that analogy first.

[Visitor]

By coming to terms with this:

The trauma comes from early childhood and not from the recent events.

The recent event was just a finger pointing back to the past. What happened to you in your childhood is the reason it has affected you so much.

I don’t like rejection

It doesn’t matter if she was the most beautiful woman I have ever met or an ugly melted candle with a wig. It was all about the rejection.

I was dealing with a disorder

As much as people write big long stories including all the intricacies of their own personal drama, I don’t care if she was blonde or brunette, blue eyes or brown, young or old, male or female, nice or horrible, tall or small... you were dealing with a disorder and it is as simple as that. Don’t get bogged down on the details around it. If you truly believe that he or she has Borderline Personality Disorder then they rarely mean to intentionally hurt anybody. They are just being the reactive nut jobs that they are.   

People with BPD are a blessing

Once the pain of rejection has subsided you will start to see the disorder for what it was and introspection can begin. BPD was one of the best things that ever happened to me. If I didn’t get involved with a borderline I never would have started down the path I have been down.