Push and pull

[Samuel S.]

My BPDw has been extremely busy with her work and then with her studies. She studies before going to work, then works part-time, and then returns home to study. She then goes out of town 3 and sometimes 4 days a week to take classes. When she is around here, if she is in a bad mood, she will resort to making toxic, hurtful comments to me. Just last night, she told me that due to being so busy, that while I previously have offered to do my own cooking, that she doesn't want me to do it, because I don't clean as well as she does. So, she does the cooking and complains about it.

Just yesterday, I got an eye exam, and my eyes are fine, but she obviously didn't like that report, because I don't see the things that need to be cleaned like she does. BTW, she took it upon herself to ask her "medium-counselor", if my new optometrist is good and if he would find anything wrong with my eyes. Well, he told me that I have the beginning stages of cataracts, but that is nothing out of the ordinary, which may or may not need to be treated maybe in 10 years. If so, it's a 5 minute procedure, and I can drive, etc. right afterward. My BPDw tried to generate fear in me before this exam, just to create fear and doubt in myself - again.

I am sorry for this digression, but the mind games that she plays are toxic, hurtful, sometimes fearful, and always making me doubt myself compared to her "holier than thou" attitude.

With all of the posts that I have read on this website and with the experiences I have had with my BPDw, I think a lot of our BPDs push and pull. They push us away with their insane, irrational, toxic behavior, and when they need our attention so that they are the "center of the world", they pull us into listening, but never truly understanding our points of view, because they are very selfish and very self-serving.

This push and pull game they play is a way of trying to keep their distance from us, but they become lonely or depressed and want to regain some of that connection with us, until they have to pull us away again.

In my particular situation, I am still waiting for a call back for a therapist in order to find out how I feel. Yeah, this is hard to admit, that I have to delve into my own feelings and what to do in order to handle them and to handle her, but one feeling I do know I have is that my time here is going to be limited, unless something really changes around here.

[Samuel S.]

My BPDw continues with her push and pull. She pushes herself away from me by focusing on her studies to the max. Then, when she wants attention, she complains about how busy she is.

What gripes me that much more so is what I found out from another website and not about her. A man whom I had been tutoring at first for a fee and then for free due to his financial circumstances posted that there are multiple persons with my name in my area. Thus, he flippantly said that I must have multiple personalities and that he was wondering which one of my personalities would show up for our next tutoring session. Seeing that he made such a comment, seeing that I have not been charging him anything, and seeing that I don't like being disrespected, I told him a lie. I told him someone else is willing to pay me for my tutoring. I gave him the possibility to pay from now on and gave him a 12 hour time to come to an answer for me, if he would pay me from now on. He did not respond. So, frankly, good riddance! I made up this lie, because I don't like being confrontational, and I don't like to deal with someone who is completely verbally abusive like this! You and I don't need it. After all, I was trying to be sensitive to him. He wanted to learn what I know, but he obviously lacks PR skills. BTW, he works with the public at now his second or third job. So, again, good riddance! I wish it were that easy as far as my BPDw!

[OnceConfused]

Samuel:

I can understand your predicament in which you are very very stuck and cannot move forward. It must feel like trying to push a cart with a heavy load up hill. there are 3 outcomes:

1. You can just stay in place and use enough force to keep the cart & you from going backward.

2. Apply no force or lesser force and let the gravity pull you and the cart down the slopem

3. Asking the cart to have lesser loads so you can push it uphill with some efforts.

4. The final is to get out of the way and let the cart go where gravity will take it.

It sounds to me like (1) is where you are because the cart is not willing to lessen its load.

May I share with you this strategy I read from a zen buddhist monk, THich Nhat Hanh. So next time your BPDw says something nasty to you, just look at her and try to see her as a child who is in pain inside, helpless. Just look at her, right into her eyes, stay there and see a child.

WHen she makes nasty comments about what you do or the events in your life, just simply tell her :

I think your concern for me is well appreciated. But this is my life and I can handle it on my own. There is no need for you to tell me what I should do and should not do. When I need your help or advice , I will ask you specifically. BUt for now, just let it be. IS THAT FAIR ENOUGH?

THis way you can lessen your dependency on her for affirmations. Her words will become less and less hurtful, because you simply not let them BITE you.

Might be one day (4) will be your action.

[Samuel S.]

Yes, I am in the number 1 stage due to FOG. Along with many others on this website, I suffer from PTSD, even though she has not been verbally abusive for over a month now, but continues to be neglectful of our relationship by being so very busy.

The cumulative effects of her toxicity are wearing me down, even when she is not around. How can I be any good personally, even though I feel good professionally? Yes, it is dependency. Yet, along with FOG, PTSD, and dependency, I have major issues of forgiveness: forgiveness for her and forgiveness for myself.

I have now tried to contact a 2nd therapist, but to no avail. I found out about a men's group starting this week. So, these are positive steps for my recovery, although to have my BPDw accept ownership of her verbal abuse and neglect is like trying to get water from a stone.

I just hope and pray that she stops hurting me, and I just hope and pray that I stop hurting myself daily.

[Samuel S.]

OnceConfused, you are so right that my BPDw is a child underneath the exterior of an adult woman who has suffered an enormous amount of pain and feels helpless, because she was physically and emotionally abused by her mother, and my BPDw also lost her 7 1/2 year old daughter to a mosquito bite 16 years ago tomorrow. Nobody but nobody deserves to have any suffering. Yes, I do look her right into her eyes and stay there. Yes, I do listen to her and validate her.

While all of the above has happened, she excludes herself as much as she can by being verbally abusive with me, by being neglectful of our relationship, and by excluding herself a lot of time from most family members and friends.

With all of the above being said, does that justify her continuing like this? Yes, I have stood up for myself, but she continues by twisting it around by making her life being more important than mine. Because she has suffered as she has does not mean she has the right to inflict pain on others - mostly me. Yeah, the adage is true that you can hurt the ones whom you love, but it is in no way right. If I were to experience what she did and if she were the innocent one, she would have every right to have divorced me by now. The only reason why I have not as of yet is because I do see a hurt child and because I have been hopeful, because I believe that where there is life, there is hope. Unfortunately, I am losing hope, and as much as I love her and feel empathy for her, she has no right to backlash on me or anyone else.

[OnceConfused]

Hope is good but only when hope is accompanied by realistic expectations and attainable actions.

I was poor so I hoped to have a better life (making more money, more savings ... .) but my expectations were attainable - going to college, obtaining a college degree, saving money for a house, retirement. But my hope will remain only hope if I wanted to be rich like donald trump and I did not want to take time to go through college or take risk like he did.

Having said that, I want you to see that perhaps you are hopeful for something un-attainable, something outside of your control. True love is when we let the person whom we love be perfectly the way they are, not be the one we want them to be. True love means we can accept others but does not mean we have to be abused by others.

I recommend the technique of looking deeply into the soul of the other person to see their suffering so that we can be compassionate. Yet, this does not mean we have to take on their suffering. Because if we do, then we will not survive. You can look into your wife's soul to see a suffering child who lashes out, but you cannot let that child's anger be a part of your life. otherwise you will suffer as well.

If that child does not realize what they are doing is bad and does not want to change those behaviors then to protect yourself and your happiness, you have to let that child go.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Samuel S.,

In the world of Dr. Doolittle, you have found the rare Pushmi-Pullyu animal!  In the BPD world, the push/pull is all part of the paradox of BPD, in my view.  Those w/BPD fear abandonment, but push you away.  They want love, but behave in unloveable ways.  They seek security, but do things that foster chaos and turbulence.  It's up to you, Sam, to decide when it's time to get off the roller coaster.  In the meantime, fasten your seat belt.

LuckyJim

[Samuel S.]

I am now a part of a men's group that meets once a month. We had our first meeting the other night. One of the guys got divorced since we last convened, which was about 4 years ago. He realizes that his ex-wife basically did a lot of controling, and she still tries to control and manipulate any way she can. He decided to leave due to her controling issue.

By him relating this to us, I realize that my BPDw enjoys controling as much as she can, because she hasn't been able to control 2 major, traumatic events in her life: her mother's verbal, emotional, and physical abuse and her D7 1/2's death 16 years ago. So, she is acting out, even though she says she is not and even though she is supposedly getting help from a "medium counselor".

When it was my turn to share about my BPDw's verbal abuse, neglect, and controling, the other guys validated my feelings of FOG.

I am trying to make contact with a regular counselor, but they have not returned my phone calls as of yet.

In the meantime, I am doing my own thing with teaching, tutoring, going to movies, and rarely day trips. I just feel like I am in limbo. I know I should do something, but the FOG and PTSD have worn me down tremendously, even though I truly do enjoy my professional life. In fact, my professional life is the part of my life that is keeping me alive literally and emotionally where I can help, I can be heard, and I can be appreciated. I just wish she would realize that I have done the same things for her. I just wish she would not have changed from being the beautiful person who she was to the BPDw that she is. Yeah, I know. I can't change her. Her true self has come forward, just like so many other of us on this website have so noted.

[michel71]

Samuel... .I am right where you are at buddy. Same things. Same feelings. I agree with all wisdom of the other posters. I don't have any particular insight because I am in the same place. I will tell you that being a part of this message board is life saving. Only the people on here really understand. Good for you finding a men's group. That will be another source of support. The insight about HOPE... .yes, it has to be realistic. That is what I am facing now. I don't think it is. I don't think anything will ever change. I am biding my time mostly do to financial circumstances.

[Samuel S.]

Michel71, thank you for your feedback. Yeah, my financial circumstances are very limited, hence the need to try to earn enough money in order to survive when I leave my BPDw. I hope to earn more money from teaching, tutoring, and writing books. I hope, but maybe unrealistically, to win a lottery, which I've been trying to do for the last couple of months, but not overdoing it.

In the meantime, my BPDw acts more relaxed especially over the phone when she is away doing her studies and with her study buddies. Then, when she gets back, she mostly is on the go again with her work and with her studies and complains that she has so little time. So, she goes from being more or less positive to being rather negative. It is then when she is negative, that she becomes a BPDw.

[Samuel S.]

My BPDw gave a great example of push and pull last night about a variety of things when she returned from her 3 days of studying and classes. She was happy about what she was learning. She was stressed about her finals. She was happy that she can work closer today. She was unhappy that she was told this instead of being asked. I said to her that it is frustrating especially about someone doing something that affects her, although I suggested that there is a silver lining in that she can get off work earlier and do her studies for her finals. Then, she went on about how she feels so good about herself and how she feels better than most people, etc., etc.

She was trying to pull me into her trauma accentuating that her life is so extremely important while others' lives really don't seem to matter much. She was trying to push me away by playing her "holier than thou" attitude, that she basically deserves to be highlighted all the time.

I tried several times when there was a lull in her selfish talk to share with her about my day, but she really did not listen. I said something, and she went on talking about herself. I then said "isn't that wonderful?" She then asked me what I was talking about. Yes, the world needs to revolve around her. UGH!

I finally was able to contact a counselor and will be seeing her Monday afternoon. I need to explain my situation and how to deal with the up and down rollercoaster ride with my BPDw, in other words, how to get off it and to keep my own sanity.

[Samuel S.]

I can't wait to see the counselor to get some feedback about my situation with my BPDw. My BPDw is in her own world, studying and working. While she does prepare meals for me for when she is gone, she says this is about the extent of her time to being married to me. She even told me tonight that even when she completes her studies, that she intends to work that much more so. While I commend her for wanting to do something that she wants to do and the fact that she needs to study, the PTSD of her toxic words in the past really haunt me. In the meantime, it is almost like she has forgotten that she even said those things. So, PTSD and how to forgive someone are what I need to deal with, because she again is in her own world, unless she wants to complain about this or that about her work, her studies, or this or that student.

As for PTSD, it is almost like it is on continuous rewinding. Sure, my professional life thankfully is a healthy distraction in that I am able to help others, and that is my true joy. Yet, personally, when not teaching or tutoring, I try to keep myself busy.

I have read different things about forgiveness, that it is not up to the offender to apologize, because they won't, and mine won't. Thus, the burden falls upon me, although it is like I am supposed to gloss over her toxic words and almost pretend like they didn't happen. Well, they did happen, and they have hurt me to the core.

[Samuel S.]

My BPDw got a dose of her own medicine this weekend. Her D18 was here only overnight. My BPDw had to work yesterday and only saw her D18 in the evening. Today, I left so that they could have Mom-daughter time, even though they both studied for their finals.

Now that her D18 has just left, my BPDw feels the emptiness of not having her around. I validated her feelings, and I told her that I know the feeling. She didn't say anything then. I am sorry that she feels that emptiness which is normal under the circumstances, but considering how my BPDw leaves me feeling empty as far as our relationship is concerned, I hope it has sunk in maybe just a little bit that in terms of how I feel.

Speaking about her emptiness, I am going to see my D41 from my first marriage along with her family for 6 days next week. So, my BPDw is going to feel that much more emptiness. While I empathize how she feels, she is going to experience it even more so.