I don't know what to do

[disorderedsociety]

Its been a while since the breakup. I don't feel the intense pain and jealousy of her and her new guy's relationship but I still alternate between anger and fantasizing about her. I got a blanket apology email from her the other night and simply replied "Thanks."

On one hand I understand reaching out must be difficult for her to do since she doesn't know how to deal with emotions very well. On the other hand I'm angry she gets to move on like nothing happened, didn't specifically own anything she did in her email and gave me a lifelong disease. (Yes, that one.)

I'm considering writing another email telling her how messed up it was the way she went about things but I don't want to appear as if she has that much control over my emotions. Apparently the thoughts of her do though. Her reasoning in the email was along the lines of, the wounds were fresh so I couldn't be civil toward you. On the other hand I know it is probably better to forgive and move on.

I'm just not sure if I'll ever get past thinking about this constantly without doing something about it. Then again, things typically work out to bring about change and growth (this is a law in life) so should I be mad? Is it just my ego getting in the way?

I've been taking care of myself and everything, making new friends, etc but every day for a total of hours I'm thinking of these things. I feel like her writing that simple band-aid email is her way of alleviating feelings of guilt so she can be free, while I struggle just to trust people with simple things on a daily basis. I even feel like I'm the one with a personality disorder sometimes, and that she was just temporarily impaired!

[SGraham]

I've been taking care of myself and everything, making new friends, etc but every day for a total of hours I'm thinking of these things. I feel like her writing that simple band-aid email is her way of alleviating feelings of guilt so she can be free, while I struggle just to trust people with simple things on a daily basis. I even feel like I'm the one with a personality disorder sometimes, and that she was just temporarily impaired!

Yeah i get that. It almost feels like you've been permanently jaded because of their actions. While others might advise against it, id say write the letter. I know personally im the sort of guy who needs to do something, even if its basically futile, otherwise i feel like im just letting circumstance kick me around.

[gameover]

Bro, I get where you're coming from.  BUT what do you hope to accomplish by calling her out?

Secretly, you're hoping that she will be able to give you a fulfilling apology.  That she will empathize with all the pain she caused you and make you feel better.  Or at least feel guilty and see the error of her ways.

But she can't do that.  It's a lost cause.  On a practical note, anything you say to her can and possibly will be used against you.  Not reacting to her doesn't make you a doormat (it makes you free from future attempts at manipulation). 

P.S.  It is your ego 100%.  The pain from a break up with a pwBPD isn't heartbreak--it's your ego, which you built up to compensate for your core wounds, shattering into a million pieces.   For me, it's an hourly struggle to keep mine in check  .  But if you know it's just your ego hurting, you can take back control.

[disorderedsociety]

Bro, I get where you're coming from.  BUT what do you hope to accomplish by calling her out?

Secretly, you're hoping that she will be able to give you a fulfilling apology.  That she will empathize with all the pain she caused you and make you feel better.  Or at least feel guilty and see the error of her ways.

But she can't do that.  It's a lost cause.  On a practical note, anything you say to her can and possibly will be used against you.  Not reacting to her doesn't make you a doormat (it makes you free from future attempts at manipulation).  

P.S.  It is your ego 100%.  The pain from a break up with a pwBPD isn't heartbreak--it's your ego, which you built up to compensate for your core wounds, shattering into a million pieces.   For me, it's an hourly struggle to keep mine in check  .  But if you know it's just your ego hurting, you can take back control.

I think this makes the most sense. I'm keeping control by not giving her anything to work with. Why she reaches out I'm not sure. I'd like to think she still thinks about me and is dissatisfied with her current guy.

What might be worse than anything would be no reply at all. Then I'd feel really stupid.

Makes sense it being an ego wound. I guess the sad feeling in my chest is just my own pain from long ago. I've noticed I can get engrossed in something and completely forget the relationship "story." Then if I get bored it starts to replay.

[gameover]

Makes sense it being an ego wound. I guess the sad feeling in my chest is just my own pain from long ago. I've noticed I can get engrossed in something and completely forget the relationship "story." Then if I get bored it starts to replay.

That's exactly it.  The fiction was beautiful--100% everything you ever wanted in relationship.  And that's the hardest part to let go.  

But the truth is, by mirroring your best qualities the pwBPD taught you how to love yourself by proxy.  If you can detach that love from the object and divert it back to yourself then you'll be super solid.  That self-love is really what made everything feel so good.  

[LimboFL]

Disordered, I promised myself to only jump on to a thread, where I thought I could help.

My ex reached out to me a couple of months back but it wasn't an apology but rather a reach out, with an I love you. I responded with a letter explaining that I loved her then and now, miss her but that it took me a long time to heal to where I was and that no more contact could be had.

I, fortunately, have no idea what she is doing. I rolled fast because she was lining up a replacement. I suspect that it went south. My ex had the lifelong thing you spoke of and 8 months out, I believe I dodged that bullet. I was hyper careful (although did take a few risks that I shouldn't have).We were together for the better part of 4 years, living under the same roof for 3.

The first thing to keep in mind is, how happy do you think she really is? How happy do you think he truly is? Now, because I too grappled and still do, from time to time, with "why does she get to move on while I am stuck back here?" but then I reflect back on the fact that I no longer live under perpetual stress, I make my own moves when I want to, I don't answer to anyone, least of all someone who didn't truly appreciate the sacrifices I made for her.

Do I miss her and those beautiful moments? absolutely! Is life grand now? Absolutely not! But again, I am making my own decisions, pursuing some projects that I could never have if I had been catering to her. All of the worry about her lying and the orbiters. It's all gone!

The letter to 'show her the error of her ways" is ill advised. As mentioned, because of my circumstance, I was able to let her know that she gave up on a man who still loved and missed her, who would never understand why she threw it all away but lastly that I wasn't going to be put through it again. This day may still come for you to, where she reaches out in the same way. If I had caught a post from you, prior to your responding to her "apology" I would have advised you to respond as though you were happy, that it was truly for the best and that you hoped that she was happy and had a happy life.

If you had the benefit of knowing anything about her history before you, then you know that these things don't change. I was speaking with another member, privately, just a couple of days ago and both of us expressed that if there was a magic pill that could kill off the BPD, then we would have had the perfect partners (yes, I was so in love with her that I was willing to take the risk of catching "it" because I was planning on the rest of my life with her. I am 47, she 45, so not youngen) but there is no magic pill. Instead of you, her new man is living in stress, worrying. Should she really be communicating with an ex? Mine communicated with multiple exes and had me believing it was no big deal. It is a big deal!

It sucks being lonely, I know because I am and I have my days where it hurts, where I miss her (despite all of the reasoning I do that I am better off), but then I get up and do my thing and am learning to appreciate that, at least, that stress is gone. It is a battle but one that we must fight. The hope is that, at some point, we will find someone who will appreciate how kind and giving we are and hopefully that this person is the same and that we feel reciprocation instead of feeling as though we are the only lucky one in that partnership.

Again, truly ask yourself, how happy can she (and he) really be?

[disorderedsociety]

Disordered, I promised myself to only jump on to a thread, where I thought I could help.

My ex reached out to me a couple of months back but it wasn't an apology but rather a reach out, with an I love you. I responded with a letter explaining that I loved her then and now, miss her but that it took me a long time to heal to where I was and that no more contact could be had.

I, fortunately, have no idea what she is doing. I rolled fast because she was lining up a replacement. I suspect that it went south. My ex had the lifelong thing you spoke of and 8 months out, I believe I dodged that bullet. I was hyper careful (although did take a few risks that I shouldn't have).We were together for the better part of 4 years, living under the same roof for 3.

The first thing to keep in mind is, how happy do you think she really is? How happy do you think he truly is? Now, because I too grappled and still do, from time to time, with "why does she get to move on while I am stuck back here?" but then I reflect back on the fact that I no longer live under perpetual stress, I make my own moves when I want to, I don't answer to anyone, least of all someone who didn't truly appreciate the sacrifices I made for her.

Do I miss her and those beautiful moments? absolutely! Is life grand now? Absolutely not! But again, I am making my own decisions, pursuing some projects that I could never have if I had been catering to her. All of the worry about her lying and the orbiters. It's all gone!

The letter to 'show her the error of her ways" is ill advised. As mentioned, because of my circumstance, I was able to let her know that she gave up on a man who still loved and missed her, who would never understand why she threw it all away but lastly that I wasn't going to be put through it again. This day may still come for you to, where she reaches out in the same way. If I had caught a post from you, prior to your responding to her "apology" I would have advised you to respond as though you were happy, that it was truly for the best and that you hoped that she was happy and had a happy life.

If you had the benefit of knowing anything about her history before you, then you know that these things don't change. I was speaking with another member, privately, just a couple of days ago and both of us expressed that if there was a magic pill that could kill off the BPD, then we would have had the perfect partners (yes, I was so in love with her that I was willing to take the risk of catching "it" because I was planning on the rest of my life with her. I am 47, she 45, so not youngen) but there is no magic pill. Instead of you, her new man is living in stress, worrying. Should she really be communicating with an ex? Mine communicated with multiple exes and had me believing it was no big deal. It is a big deal!

It sucks being lonely, I know because I am and I have my days where it hurts, where I miss her (despite all of the reasoning I do that I am better off), but then I get up and do my thing and am learning to appreciate that, at least, that stress is gone. It is a battle but one that we must fight. The hope is that, at some point, we will find someone who will appreciate how kind and giving we are and hopefully that this person is the same and that we feel reciprocation instead of feeling as though we are the only lucky one in that partnership.

Again, truly ask yourself, how happy can she (and he) really be?

I appreciate the response. Its hard to bridge the gap between normal behavior and disordered. Judging from the consistency of contact attempts she still thinks about me all the time which is obviously unhealthy. Who knows if she tells her boyfriend she's contacted me? I don't know that she's happy. Judging from her photos I'd say yes, but on the other hand I know how messed up her emotions always have been. I imagine the closest she gets to happiness is a lack of abandonment fears from having a kid on the way with her new boyfriend, and getting to spend time away from her abusive mother. I did walk on eggshells, get accused of cheating, etc. when I never did. I tried to talk to her about these issues she supposedly had with -my- behavior and it always boiled down to "I can't trust you because you did this and that." Yes, I hooked up with a couple girls when I first went to live with her but we weren't even officially dating. I remember the 15-minute long screaming rant she went on and once she had broken my will everything was fine. I didn't tolerate any acting out though after that and she was on her best behavior for a long time. She claimed she did "so much work" trying to get better when all she did was pop a pill daily. The one day she was off it she raged at a hotel clerk and broke one of the automatic doors on the way out. I wanted so badly to leave but felt so horrible because she was just hysterically sobbing and couldn't calm down. It was another 3 months before I left.

I don't know that she and he can be happy. This is a guy that bragged about being the stepson of the manager of the pizza place he delivers for (a franchise) and manipulating things to his advantage. A guy who was flirting with a girl in a LTR, willing to wait a year for her to leave her man before he found my ex. And this is a girl who has had suicidal ideations as early as 5. The history is there, although he seems the most stable out of all the ones she's been with. I wasn't the most stable at 19, and we did some drugs together but we made it through all of that. Of course she blamed not bonding with her daughter (we were doing this after she was born) on me giving her (my ex) my ADHD medication and her "wasting time." I don't think she's really capable of bonding with a human being; after all, she told me at times she felt horrible about it but had wished she'd gotten an abortion. What annoyed me was her having orbiters on Facebook and messenger apps when I supposedly wasn't giving her what she needed (I was there 24/7) and when I tried to touch her or give her affection I could tell it was forced reciprocity and half the time she said, "don't touch me, I don't like to be touched."

So if anything killed it for me, it wasn't even the disease or the orbiters. It was the fact that no matter what I did or how hard I tried I didn't feel any real love back from her. Only fleeting moments of gushing about how I was the best person in the world and she was so lucky, which is first unrealistic and second makes it sound like she's not worth having a decent mate. That is a turn-off at the very least and dysfunctional at the worst.

Do I feel better not walking on eggshells? Yes. Does it really hit me that I'm free? Sometimes I have those ah-ha moments when I'm not ruminating.

[LimboFL]

"I appreciate the response. Its hard to bridge the gap between normal behavior and disordered. Judging from the consistency of contact attempts she still thinks about me all the time which is obviously unhealthy. Who knows if she tells her boyfriend she's contacted me? I don't know that she's happy. Judging from her photos I'd say yes, but on the other hand I know how messed up her emotions always have been. I imagine the closest she gets to happiness is a lack of abandonment fears from having a kid on the way with her new boyfriend, and getting to spend time away from her abusive mother. I did walk on eggshells, get accused of cheating, etc. when I never did. I tried to talk to her about these issues she supposedly had with -my- behavior and it always boiled down to "I can't trust you because you did this and that." Yes, I hooked up with a couple girls when I first went to live with her but we weren't even officially dating. I remember the 15-minute long screaming rant she went on and once she had broken my will everything was fine. I didn't tolerate any acting out though after that and she was on her best behavior for a long time. She claimed she did "so much work" trying to get better when all she did was pop a pill daily. The one day she was off it she raged at a hotel clerk and broke one of the automatic doors on the way out. I wanted so badly to leave but felt so horrible because she was just hysterically sobbing and couldn't calm down. It was another 3 months before I left.

I don't know that she and he can be happy. This is a guy that bragged about being the stepson of the manager of the pizza place he delivers for (a franchise) and manipulating things to his advantage. A guy who was flirting with a girl in a LTR, willing to wait a year for her to leave her man before he found my ex. And this is a girl who has had suicidal ideations as early as 5. The history is there, although he seems the most stable out of all the ones she's been with. I wasn't the most stable at 19, and we did some drugs together but we made it through all of that. Of course she blamed not bonding with her daughter (we were doing this after she was born) on me giving her (my ex) my ADHD medication and her "wasting time." I don't think she's really capable of bonding with a human being; after all, she told me at times she felt horrible about it but had wished she'd gotten an abortion. What annoyed me was her having orbiters on Facebook and messenger apps when I supposedly wasn't giving her what she needed (I was there 24/7) and when I tried to touch her or give her affection I could tell it was forced reciprocity and half the time she said, "don't touch me, I don't like to be touched."

So if anything killed it for me, it wasn't even the disease or the orbiters. It was the fact that no matter what I did or how hard I tried I didn't feel any real love back from her. Only fleeting moments of gushing about how I was the best person in the world and she was so lucky, which is first unrealistic and second makes it sound like she's not worth having a decent mate. That is a turn-off at the very least and dysfunctional at the worst.

Do I feel better not walking on eggshells? Yes. Does it really hit me that I'm free? Sometimes I have those ah-ha moments when I'm not ruminating."

Disordered, your heart clearly continues to ache and I understand it. Mine still does. In part it is the frustration that if only the non disorder person could prevail over the PD, then we believe that we would have the partner we fell in love with and that, at least, there could be a chance.

You made some statements that speak to the fact that for as little as we can truly understand it all, that you are aware. It is indeed impossible to know when reality and the disorder switch places. I have said many times that the hardest part of loving a pwBPD is that regardless of what is being said or where it is coming from, we hear the same voice in the same body. They don't run into a phone booth and change clothes whenever the disorder kicks in. This is probably the part that does us the most damage. It is critically important that you recognize this.

I don't believe that she is telling her boyfriend about her contact with you, which makes it not really right, right? While I cannot truly know what kind of character this guy is, the short description you provide about him "showing off" about his contacts tells me that this is not a secure man and more than likely that he will not last very long, especially as their is a child on the way. They may end up living under the same roof together but this doesn't sound like a very happy situation to me, especially if she continues to reach out to you. Again, I don't have enough information to really speak of the guy.

You are also clearly a very kind and gentle person. This is the statement that you need to hold on to "So if anything killed it for me, it wasn't even the disease or the orbiters. It was the fact that no matter what I did or how hard I tried I didn't feel any real love back from her. Only fleeting moments of gushing about how I was the best person in the world and she was so lucky, which is first unrealistic and second makes it sound like she's not worth having a decent mate. That is a turn-off at the very least and dysfunctional at the worst." The last sentence is the only one that I would disagree with because it is pretty heart breaking that someone could think that of themselves. Nevertheless, ultimately the fact that we could never get the kind of reciprocal love that we both yearn for and deserve means that any extension of that relationship would mean that the wounds we already suffered would get even deeper and deeper, that we would only give of ourselves more and more to the point where we would simply be depleted, which we both are already. We are both exhausted emotionally.

The hardest part is letting go of someone whom you loved so deeply, to have them ripped from your life. Under the circumstances, I believe that you handled her message well and I suspect that you will get another opportunity to respond in a different way, if and when she comes back with a more heartfelt message. Despite the pain, the fact that my last contact with her was a simple expression of my love, my hurt and that for my own well being that no further contact could occur, gave me the closure I wanted. I also hope that this will resonate with her, that she gave up on someone who truly loves her and that one day she will reflect back on whatever impulse or superficial need that caused her to chase elsewhere will eventually seem so shallow. You sound like a young man, so you have lots of life ahead of you. I am not nearly two steps to death but I am not getting any younger, neither is my ex, so thoughts about life can be slightly different.

Bottom line is that your entire attitude and demeanor seem very calm and even keeled. You aren't going to get over this any time soon, but you are on the right path. One day, who knows when, things will get better for us both. We will find partners who will love and care for us as we do them. We have both paid our dues but we are also luckier than some others on this board. We didn't want to leave them or be left but we did what we needed to to get ourselves back. It ain't no barrel of laughs being left with just ourselves, after such a storm, but it is about growth and finding our way back. You will find your way back and sure as day turns to night, I think we both know that no matter what, our ex's are not or will not suddenly be happy, in happy relationships.

Stay strong!

[SouthernMama]

Can I give you some advice? Cut ties, and move on. My ex-BPD committed suicide recently, & we maintained contact for our kids. (And because my heart went out to him.) BPDs can be so cold, but the 1st fight she gets in w/ her new guy, she'll be calling you, and you will be sucked back into the endless cycle. Trust me. I was in it for 14 years. By the grace of God, I was able to heal, and became his emotional support after our divorce.

As far as apologies... .

I DID finally get an apology, and I forgave him. But, my ex-BPD had great empathy & guilt. He felt strongly ashamed of his actions.

All of this to say, let her go. Unless you desire to have an ongoing relationship, and are emotionally strong enough to handle it, do go back.

[SouthernMama]

Limbo FL,

YES!

I've been happily married for 9 years, but watched as my ex-BPD remarried & divorced due to the same issues we had had. BPDs can pretend for only so long. They will convince you the disfunction was your fault, and that their new relationships are great, but, we both know that's not true.

Once you find a healthy relationship, you will never go back. It's hard, b/c at first you may find yourself bored w/ out the HIGH HIGHS & LOW LOWS. But then, you will see how great it is.

[LimboFL]

Southernmama, I am trying to stay off the board because it is holding me back, but I still poke around and I read your recent post. I am so happy to hear your demeanor today because I can't even begin to imagine what you have been through. We go through the anger and wishes of demise but it's quite different when it actually happens. I don't want to belabor things but wanted to express my quiet joy that you are where you are, right now. I don't doubt that it has suddenly become easy. I hope that your little ones (they are always our little ones no matter old they get) are coping. Again just wanted to mention this.

Disordered, words of wisdom from Southernmama, the most important of which are the words that speak to the fact that many of us still care deeply for our ex's. As mentioned, til the day I finally pass, I will always be grateful for having had the presence of mind and the opportunity to express that love to her in my final message. This isn't about discarding them but rather it is all about ensuring that we don't go down with the ship. We so desperately want to hold out our hand but they either don't hold on hard enough or, because of the disorder, the slap it, then as they are falling their reach out which makes you want to dive after them.

What I like most about Southernmama's response was that she left the door open by saying that if you believe you are strong enough at a certain point. A great deal of my contributions on this board have been about not completely killing hope, especially not when people are at very delicate stages. People have to reach their own conclusions in their own time. I was devastated after leaving my ex, even the love bombing at the beginning of a very brief last recylce wasn't enough to give me what I needed to believe that I would be in her thoughts for many moons to come, but the voice mail with the "I love you" was enough. These are human beings who do love the ones who love them. They are not evil, they are just a mess of mental contortions that we can't fathom. We can't change it no matter how much love we throw at them. You need to know that you were and will always remain important to her. She won't forget you! Stay no contact and if the opportunity should arise where she does reach out to you with love, no matter how hard try to react the way that I did. No blame, no accusations, just how you feel inside about her, that you wished it could be different but the cut is too deep and you have to move forward. That communication from that point forward is simply cannot keep you on the path that you need to stay on for you. I miss my ex, not some fantasy because I didn't have one, I miss the person that I new was kind and gentle underneath, the one that I wish I could have ripped away from the disorder. Alas... . 

[disorderedsociety]

Thank you guys and much  from the bottom of my heart.

I won't try to be hostile toward her when that day comes, she doesn't deserve that. But if I do end up getting a heartfelt message when things go south, I will explain that its simply not in the cards for us to be together and that I have to continue on a path of healing.

I do recognize the essence self that I saw glimpses of. It was very very early on and it may have peeked out from time to time but the fog was too heavy for me to have recognized it later on as I wasn't present enough either after a while. That person will always be my best friend, but as long as she lives in the self that can drop one person for another in the same day, I can't have anything to do with her.

You guys probably know the tale of the two wolves. I'm feeding the good one in both of us by maintaining NC. If the opportunity arises for me to do that in any other way, I'll take it but I have faith in myself that I can recognize that time if it ever comes and leave the drama behind in the meantime.

Its taken a long time to not take anything she does personally and not to glorify them in my minds as having been more wise or better than me to make their relationship work. I have no idea how their relationship is and I believe them not living together makes it easier for her to keep the facade going. Its most likely in her alone time that she feels the unfinished business she left behind with me. Unfortunately there's nothing she can do within her reasoning and power to make things better. I do hope that with the mutual friend she's been spending time with (an older, motherly lady, a very wise soul too!) can help her get in touch with her authentic self. Then again, I think therapy may be required for BPD individuals to make any kind of progress, regardless of how intelligent and relatively present they are for having such a disorder. Unfortunately I heard time and time again either, "I'm pretty sure I'm gonna commit suicide by 30." but also "I hope one day I can get my life together, hopefully by the time I'm 35." Again, light vs dark archetypal battle.

Again, thanks for the wisdom guys. Its good to know I can express my feelings and can receive some sort of confirmation

[SouthernMama]

Limbo FL,

   It's the grace of God, honestly. It's only been 11 days since his suicide. It's been incredibly difficult. I think what's been the hardest has been grieving in private, since my current DH has zero desire to hear anything about it. My boys, well, they weren't terribly close w/ him. He only saw them 2x a year, and only occasionally corresponded with them. He mostly called me to check in, vent, cry and sometimes be encouraged.

One thing about BPDs, they make incredible friends & are phenomenal listeners. My ex had been there, done just about everything, and was very understanding about anything you told him. What made our friendship work was neither would get angry if we didn't answer the phone or couldn't talk. I talked him many times off of the ledge. I worried about him, prayed for him, & begged him not to take his life. In the end, I failed him. He painted me black after u cut his visit short for putting our kids in danger. He was angry. I should have given it a week or so & tried to reason w/ him, but I didnt. I hired a lawyer & served him w/ termination of parental rights. He took his life 2 weeks later. I broke his heart. I truly know in my heart of hearts that my actions caused him to take his life.

Ps. I too, wonder if being on here is hindering my progress & healing. But, I cannot share these things w/ anyone else.

[SouthernMama]

DS,

One last thing. Take any comment about suicide VERY VERY seriously. My ex-BPD spoke often of suicide. I would remain very calm (most of the time). I would tell him that he needed to consider our children & what kind of legacy he would be leaving them. I was able to reason w/ him most of the time. (I only called the cops a few times). To his credit, he made his suicide appear as a motorcycle accident. No helmet. Straight road. High speed. Hit the guard rail head on. Only the family knows the truth, well, except for our kids.

[LimboFL]

Southernmama, I simply can't fathom what you are going through and the heart wrenching guilt that you are facing. I wonder where my ex is and what she is up to. She never threatened suicide but, and I didn't process it properly, she said on several occasions "don't worry, I am not suicidal or anything". It didn't even cross my mind. I can't know if she is doing well or not and it's hard.

I wish there was something that I could say, that could lift the guilt you feel, but only you can do that. You are more than informed and I know that you fully understand that the disorder is really what took his life and that his behavior was what ultimately led to the protection of your children. My ex put my son through a few harrowing and highly emotional events, yet I stayed. She was genuinely heartbroken about her behavior and it sustained for many days after the event. It sounds like you gave a tremendous amount of yourself and your love. This is probably the hardest part of it all, that no matter how much love we squeezed out of the last bit of the tube, it simply wasn't enough.

While it is heartbreaking that he wasn't really in your children's lives, the silver lining is that his heart breaking decision will not have the same impact as it would have if he had been a present Father. It is all so devastatingly difficult. You sound like a very strong lady, which means that you will continue to march forward. My only hope is that you use that same strength to evade the guilt of your ex's decision. While I can't know the full story, the way I see it, what you did was to simply set a concrete boundary. I imagine that even with that boundary in place, should your ex have taken the necessary measures to right his ship, that you would have slowly released your kids and allowed him to re-enter their lives. You were at your wits end and I can only imagine how many chances you gave your ex to straighten, at least, this part of his life out. When no measures were taken to improve the situation, you felt the need to made the hard point that things had to change, your hope likely was that maybe THIS would wake him up. I don't believe for a second that, if your ex had done the right thing when you had warned him, you would have served him those papers. At a certain point, and we are all guilty of this, we take the threats of our SO's with less seriousness than maybe we should. So drastic measures are needed and most often instituted in the hopes of correcting the actions of the other party and not as a punishment.

Given the length of time your ex and you spent together, I have to imagine that he would have had some brief introspection that if he fixed himself, in that regard, that you would have relaxed the "rules". I suspect that his decision had to do with a lot more than your serving of those papers. That there was a build up of shame and despair at the choices made, the damage done and so much more.

I have the deepest empathy for pwBPD and any other PD. I watched my ex struggle every day with horrible anxiety and regret. She is a very strong woman but I cannot even begin to imagine. I could so easily see someone reaching the point where the battle is just too hard, that the escape seem so much better. It is horrible. You clearly worked desperately to help and I believe that you should hug yourself, hard, and appreciate the fact that you likely were the reason why it didn't happen sooner. That you did everything that one person can possibly do to be there for him, but that just like our love isn't enough to give them that sense of security that we so wished to give them, that you could have worked yourself to the bone and never succeeded in reaching the wished for goal.

Huge hug. My sincerest hope is that you will find a way to relieve yourself of the guilt, because you have taken on enough. You do not deserve to have to bare even more.