Want to stay but scared...

[saddened27]

Hi again. Second thread. My first was about the violence that started happening. I did give him an ultimatum and so far everything is good since then. It's been about a month now since that last incident. He goes into a bad mood but doesn't go too far with it. At least 3 or 4 times now it happened (he cycles quickly). And at least once or twice when he upset me and I go away, he comes after me immediately to comfort me. I'm assuming that's good.

I feel like I'm trying to figure out my own emotions at this point. It's been almost 6 months now that we've been together (to me, that is a new relationship)... .and I don't really want to leave, however, it's pretty scary reading what comes down the road. Like am I ready for that? And why would I put myself through that? However, on the flip side, I also think: it's not fair for me to judge him by others behaviors or assume that he will be the same. Everyone is an individual. And he is smarter (I have fairly high IQ and I believe his may be higher than mine) and perhaps more self aware than most. So to pigeon hole or relegate him to a certain amount of capabilities is not fair. So that's why I'm on the fence.

When he gets surly and moody, I immediately jump into thinking "I can't handle this, that's it, I'm done." but then when he wants to kiss and make up, I'm very happy to. So I feel like my own feelings are inconsistent, but perhaps that's common.

I feel like I'm learning to manipulate him as he was me. And that our arguments and fights are decreasing in size and frequency. What happens now is when he gets moody, he gets silent and doesn't want to talk and I go away until he seems more receptive. He'll make a cutting remark and either I don't answer or I'll do a one word snide reply and go silent.

So in many ways, I feel like the relationship has deepened and improved. Unlike other stories I have read, he never love bombed me and was sort of suspicious, with walls up and would "push" me away in small ways occasionally, right from the beginning almost... .and now as the relationship has deepened, he lets me in much more and is less suspicious (but still does his little "pushes" quite frequently)... .but at one point, it was daily pushing and now at this point, it's maybe every two to three days.

So I'm confused. He's wonderful when he's not surly, . And the surliness has actually gotten less frequent.

I'm really just thinking out loud here. Thanks for listening.

[Dobzhansky]

Hello saddened27 -

I am on the other end of where you may be headed.  I have been married for nearly 30 yrs and have 3 beautiful daughters in late teens/early 20s.  After great decreases in family harmony over the past 5 yrs, much consideration and seeking help, I have come to the conclusion my SO is uBPD.  Thank God you have found this site!  Let me state here that I am committed to "staying and improving".

I spent much of that time enduring BPD behavior because I thought it was "normal" or that it was "just me".  I was shocked to find out otherwise.  If you choose to stay, great.  I wish you best of luck.  I am new here as well but have benefited greatly from the LESSONS and from reading books such as "Stop Walking on Eggshells". 

I feel like I'm trying to figure out my own emotions at this point. It's been almost 6 months now that we've been together (to me, that is a new relationship)... .and I don't really want to leave, however, it's pretty scary reading what comes down the road. Like am I ready for that? And why would I put myself through that? However, on the flip side, I also think: it's not fair for me to judge him by others behaviors or assume that he will be the same. Everyone is an individual. And he is smarter (I have fairly high IQ and I believe his may be higher than mine) and perhaps more self aware than most. So to pigeon hole or relegate him to a certain amount of capabilities is not fair. So that's why I'm on the fence.

When he gets surly and moody, I immediately jump into thinking "I can't handle this, that's it, I'm done." but then when he wants to kiss and make up, I'm very happy to. So I feel like my own feelings are inconsistent, but perhaps that's common.

I feel like I'm learning to manipulate him as he was me. And that our arguments and fights are decreasing in size and frequency. What happens now is when he gets moody, he gets silent and doesn't want to talk and I go away until he seems more receptive. He'll make a cutting remark and either I don't answer or I'll do a one word snide reply and go silent.

Based on your post I see similarities to my own thinking in yours.  I kept reassuring myself and minimizing.  I developed strategies and compensating mechanisms to deal with what was happening.  My SO has left me and my kids and moved to another state... .this has given me the space I needed to better assess my situation.  Please be sure to find a way to get some "space" so you can think.

You mention interactions w your SO involving cutting and snide remarks.  I endured 30 yrs of this.  My kids have had this for their entire lives.  If you can, use the resources on this site to find ways to handle these times in a healthier manner.  Now that I am (basically) free from these I cannot tell you how things have improved.

I want to encourage you in the strongest possible terms to get the help of a therapist or other provider to sort out the apparent confusion you share above.  It really helped me.

Good luck!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey saddened27, I'm somewhere in between you and Dobzhansky -- I was married to a pwBPD for 16 years and we were divorced 2 years ago.  We have two kids -- teenagers -- together.  In many ways, you are on a much different footing than I was because you know about BPD, whereas like many here I was in the dark for almost 10 years of marriage.  I knew something was wrong, of course, but assumed it was all part of the usual marital conflicts.  Yet here you are on this Board six months into your r/s, which is a good reason to pause and evaluate, as you are doing.

You seem like a smart person and, if you are like me, you may enjoy analyzing and solving problems.  Yet I'm going to suggest that, instead of using your brain, you do some thinking from the neck down.  What are your gut feelings?  I ignored my gut and got into a lot of trouble as a result.  I hear you rationalizing your SO's behavior, which troubles me because I did a lot of rationalizing, too, in order to cope with my BPDxW's behavior.

I'm not here to tell you what to do; rather, I urge you to find the path that is right for you.

LuckyJim