Separation

[Finn1234]

He left last Sunday. BPDh has been cheating even though he said he wouldn't see them again. He confessed and eventually I suggested separation. Monday he came back home during lunch. All concerning and asking if I still loved him. I didn't answer. Tuesday he picked another excuse to come back. Again he tried to assure whether I still love him. I messaged him about the on goings that are related to him and by Wednesday he said he wanted to come to see our child. He didn't come and yesterday he said he couldn't come see our child cos he had an appointment for work. I knew he was going to see his mistress and I told him before he left that during the separation I hope that you can keep yourself clean or else there is no point of returning and when the time comes where I am ready to divorce you I will send you the paper.

I tried setting boundaries. I understand that stopping him from seeing them might not be the best for his illness (according to one of his doctors few months back) but I can't bear that he is cheating. He loves the pull/pull game and I gave him the go to get the divorce couple of times previously and he pulled me back.

I am considering divorcing him. It scares me to go there but at some point I think it is better for me. I talked to my therapist and she wants me to focus on my own healing and the benefit of our child.

He is going to a new therapist on Saturday who specialized in BPD/bipolar. I'm hoping he will get the help he needs to get better. He always says if I didn't find out about the affairs he could still play the role as my husband. I cannot reason with him since he thinks I'm brainwashing him.

I'm in agony. I want to get help myself before I consider him and he is all in my head. I know I don't need to think about divorce right this moment but the fact that he keeps on cheating is a huge torture.

Everyone tells me to walk away before it is too late and before I get hurt even deeper. I don't know what to think or what to do.

I still love him. I forgave him. But he said coming home to me is like going back to the prison. I asked him how he was these last few days since he kept asking about me. He said he felt lonely and empty. I couldn't describe how I feel to him and we just left it there. He said he care a lot about he but he doesn't know if that is love. When facing me he feels guilty so he wants to escape from that feeling. Yet he doesn't think that his cheating is harming us. He thinks we are too broken to be fixed. And I kept on being optimistic. He is very hurtful verbally and at some points I know I shouldn't let him him on treating me this way. I told myself he is sick and that he doesn't know what he is doing.

i really don't know if I should keep hope in us or that it is time to let go. When he is not around I feel a bit at ease. He wanted me to let him cheat and wait for him. I cannot allow that even though I asked myself if I could do that. I shouldn't ... .Right?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[turbo squash]

i really don't know if I should keep hope in us or that it is time to let go. When he is not around I feel a bit at ease. He wanted me to let him cheat and wait for him. I cannot allow that even though I asked myself if I could do that. I shouldn't ... .Right?

First of all, I am sorry that you are in such a crappy situation. I found out about my wife's affair recently and it is awful.

His cheating is something that has happened numerous times, right?

I wonder if your willingness to take him back again and again has caused him to think that he can do it as much as he wants.

If there is anything that therapy and this forum has taught me, it is that my boundaries are important. I have to make and maintain my boundaries or I will be unhappy.

It sounds like you have tried to be fair and give him many chances to respect your most sacred boundaries. If he has not respected them many times in the past, is there something new that he is doing that makes you think he will respect them now?

[vortex of confusion]

i really don't know if I should keep hope in us or that it is time to let go. When he is not around I feel a bit at ease. He wanted me to let him cheat and wait for him. I cannot allow that even though I asked myself if I could do that. I shouldn't ... .Right?

There isn't a right or wrong answer. If you are willing to let him do his thing while he does his thing so that you can parent together, that is okay. If you do not want to wait on him, then don't. If he is continuing to cheat and you don't like it, then separate and start divorce proceedings. Only you can make the decision about what is right for you.

How many affairs has he had? How long have the two of you been together? Is he just a cheater or is he a sex addict as well?

My husband identifies as a sex addict. I tried the 12 step program for wives of sex addicts and the advice was to give it a year before making any kind of permanent decisions. The recommendation was to focus on yourself and your own mental health and don't worry about the relationship. As you become healthier and less enmeshed with your spouse, the answers will become more clear. Focus on setting boundaries and protecting yourself and your child.

[Finn1234]

I think he just ignored my requests about him not meeting those women.

It has been a week since he left and I feel relieved to be honest. I think in times i will be able to sign the paper. Maybe a few months. Maybe a little longer. But I can't keep on playing this game he is playing and maintain my sanity.

My therapist said what we had was not a real marriage and I should consider the welfare of my child and mine. Which is to move on.

It is easier to keep my mind determined on this when he is not around.

i really don't know if I should keep hope in us or that it is time to let go. When he is not around I feel a bit at ease. He wanted me to let him cheat and wait for him. I cannot allow that even though I asked myself if I could do that. I shouldn't ... .Right?

First of all, I am sorry that you are in such a crappy situation. I found out about my wife's affair recently and it is awful.

His cheating is something that has happened numerous times, right?

I wonder if your willingness to take him back again and again has caused him to think that he can do it as much as he wants.

If there is anything that therapy and this forum has taught me, it is that my boundaries are important. I have to make and maintain my boundaries or I will be unhappy.

It sounds like you have tried to be fair and give him many chances to respect your most sacred boundaries. If he has not respected them many times in the past, is there something new that he is doing that makes you think he will respect them now?

[Finn1234]

The way I see it is, if he is not a sex addict I can't explain what he is. The doctor didn't say he is though. But he hasn't been completely honest with the doctor. So I don't know. He always thinks he can get away with things.

I'm tired to play this game he is playing. That much I know.

i really don't know if I should keep hope in us or that it is time to let go. When he is not around I feel a bit at ease. He wanted me to let him cheat and wait for him. I cannot allow that even though I asked myself if I could do that. I shouldn't ... .Right?

There isn't a right or wrong answer. If you are willing to let him do his thing while he does his thing so that you can parent together, that is okay. If you do not want to wait on him, then don't. If he is continuing to cheat and you don't like it, then separate and start divorce proceedings. Only you can make the decision about what is right for you.

How many affairs has he had? How long have the two of you been together? Is he just a cheater or is he a sex addict as well?

My husband identifies as a sex addict. I tried the 12 step program for wives of sex addicts and the advice was to give it a year before making any kind of permanent decisions. The recommendation was to focus on yourself and your own mental health and don't worry about the relationship. As you become healthier and less enmeshed with your spouse, the answers will become more clear. Focus on setting boundaries and protecting yourself and your child.