Can living with a BPD cause the non to develop similar behaviors?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I was doing some reading on this site, and found this list posted in another thread:

20 thoughts of a BPD:

1. I will always be alone

  2. There is no one who really cares about me, who will be available to help me, and whom I can fall back on.

  3. If others really get to know me, they will find me rejectable and will not be able to love me; and they will leave me.

  4. I can't manage by myself, I need someone I can fall back on.

  5. I have to adapt my needs to other people's wishes, otherwise they will leave me or attack me.

  6. I have no control of myself.

  7. I can't discipline myself.

  8. I don't really know what I want.

  9. I need to have complete control of my feelings otherwise things go completely wrong.

10. I am an evil person and I need to be punished for it.

11. If someone fails to keep a promise, that person can no longer be trusted.

12. I will never get what I want.

13. If I trust someone, I run a great risk of getting hurt or disappointed.

14. My feelings and opinions are unfounded.

15. If you comply with someone's request, you run the risk of losing yourself.

16. If you refuse someone's request, you run the risk of losing that person.

17. Other people are evil and abuse you.

18. I'm powerless and vulnerable and I can't protect myself.

19. If other people really get to know me they will find me rejectable.

20. Other people are not willing or helpful.

Source: Behaviour Research & Therapy article [only abstract available]

I recognize I have my own issues to work on, but here they are:

5. I have to adapt my needs to other people's wishes, otherwise they will leave me or attack me.  - as the non, I sometimes have to adapt my needs to my BPD lest he paint me black.

11. If someone fails to keep a promise, that person can no longer be trusted. - as the non, repeated breaking of promises results in my no longer feeling I can rely on my partner.

16. If you refuse someone's request, you run the risk of losing that person. - as the non, if I refuse my partners requests, I run the risk of being painted black, getting the ST, etc.

Does this mean that living with a BPD is making me one also?

[SurfNTurf]

I was doing some reading on this site, and found this list posted in another thread:

20 thoughts of a BPD:

1. I will always be alone

  2. There is no one who really cares about me, who will be available to help me, and whom I can fall back on.

  3. If others really get to know me, they will find me rejectable and will not be able to love me; and they will leave me.

  4. I can't manage by myself, I need someone I can fall back on.

  5. I have to adapt my needs to other people's wishes, otherwise they will leave me or attack me.

  6. I have no control of myself.

  7. I can't discipline myself.

  8. I don't really know what I want.

  9. I need to have complete control of my feelings otherwise things go completely wrong.

10. I am an evil person and I need to be punished for it.

11. If someone fails to keep a promise, that person can no longer be trusted.

12. I will never get what I want.

13. If I trust someone, I run a great risk of getting hurt or disappointed.

14. My feelings and opinions are unfounded.

15. If you comply with someone's request, you run the risk of losing yourself.

16. If you refuse someone's request, you run the risk of losing that person.

17. Other people are evil and abuse you.

18. I'm powerless and vulnerable and I can't protect myself.

19. If other people really get to know me they will find me rejectable.

20. Other people are not willing or helpful.

Source: Behaviour Research & Therapy article [only abstract available]

I recognize I have my own issues to work on, but here they are:

5. I have to adapt my needs to other people's wishes, otherwise they will leave me or attack me.  - as the non, I sometimes have to adapt my needs to my BPD lest he paint me black.

11. If someone fails to keep a promise, that person can no longer be trusted. - as the non, repeated breaking of promises results in my no longer feeling I can rely on my partner.

16. If you refuse someone's request, you run the risk of losing that person. - as the non, if I refuse my partners requests, I run the risk of being painted black, getting the ST, etc.

Does this mean that living with a BPD is making me one also?

[SummerStorm]

Here are the thoughts from that list that I've had/have: 1, 3, 5, 12, 13, 17, 19.

Do I have BPD?  No.  Not even close.  I'm just a pessimist.  So is my dad.  It annoys the hell out of my mom.   

Remember that a list of thoughts that a BPD has is completely separate from the major traits that define the disorder. 

Do you have stormy relationships?  Do you have chronic feelings of emptiness?  Do you engage in impulsive behaviors?  Do you idealize/devalue people?

Remember that a person must meet 5/9 traits to be diagnosed with BPD.  I meet maybe one or two; a lot of people probably do. 

Most importantly, consider the fact that you are questioning whether you have BPD.  pwBPD can't do that. 

[SurfNTurf]

Thank you, SS - I do not have any of the items you mentioned. I WAS beginning to wonder if living with a pwBPD could cause one to develop the behaviors. I feel so much better - Thanks again!

[vortex of confusion]

When I read your first post, my first thought was fleas. I did a search and found this thread about BPD vs Fleas: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=233903.0

In that thread, Skip posted something that might help with this question: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=233903.msg12500137#msg12500137

This is a old wives tale. I've see it posted hundreds of times. Many, if not all, people with BPD question themselves.  There is a great deal of self doubt and shame with BPD.

The idea of fleas is also an old wives tale.  If we exhibit BPD thinking patterns they are no different than anyone's BPD thinking patterns.

Statistically, 55% of us growing up in a "BPD" household will inherit the same predisposition for the disorder the parent has.  And no one grows up in a highly dysfunctional family without having issues - just read all the literature on ACOA (adult children of alcoholics).

I might suggest there is no point in distinguishing between BPD and Fleas, rather, if we have any dysfunctional coping, we need to be self-aware and we need to work on it or get help.

[SurfNTurf]

Thank you Vortex, I think there may be some fleas... .