Am I where I should be?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I keep having these crying épisodes every 2-3 days. A memory will surface and then I can cry for hours. I think I'm getting better and having a few good days and then I'm back to crying again. I'm having one of these tonight. And it's mixed with hate for my exBPDbf, wishing he's in as much pain as I am.

I know the detachment process is not linear, but is it normal to still cry that much (I'm almost 2 months post bu)? I'm wondering if I'm stuck in a bad place and not progressing as I should be.

I haven't heard from him in 2 weeks today. It's the longest since the bu. I can't help but think that he's found a replacement now, or has splitted me black? I should be relieved since I initiated the NC. Not answering his calls or text messages was hard but I guess it was some kind of validation that I meant something.

[Yolanda123]

I keep having these crying épisodes every 2-3 days. A memory will surface and then I can cry for hours. I think I'm getting better and having a few good days and then I'm back to crying again. I'm having one of these tonight. And it's mixed with hate for my exBPDbf, wishing he's in as much pain as I am.

I know the detachment process is not linear, but is it normal to still cry that much (I'm almost 2 months post bu)? I'm wondering if I'm stuck in a bad place and not progressing as I should be.

I haven't heard from him in 2 weeks today. It's the longest since the bu. I can't help but think that he's found a replacement now, or has splitted me black? I should be relieved since I initiated the NC. Not answering his calls or text messages was hard but I guess it was some kind of validation that I meant something.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Yolanda-

Everyone's different, but for reference, I was completely lost and out of my head for maybe 6 months after I left her, ruminating, not sleeping, confused, crying, pissed as hell, while missing her badly, go figure.  I was a mess.  And the right thing to do is just feel what you're feeling all the way, don't make it wrong, don't try and change it or avoid it, just feel it.  I wish I could say I took that advice, and I did eventually, but for a few months there I just drank like a fish, numbing myself, and it worked in the moment but it didn't solve anything and I don't recommend it.  The only way out is through, and it will get better, but it's early for you, so one foot in front of the other, one day at a time.  Take care of you!

[Turkish]

Speaking as a guy who used to think crying was weak, I cried like a baby for months. Then one day I just stopped. Give yourself grace to feel what you feel. It takes whatever time it does. For you.

[jhkbuzz]

Everyone's different, but for reference, I was completely lost and out of my head for maybe 6 months after I left her, ruminating, not sleeping, confused, crying, pissed as hell, while missing her badly, go figure.  I was a mess.  

Same here... .you can't rush the 5 stages of grief.

That emotional back and forth was tough for me too... .just when I thought I was getting better... .BAM! Sad city.

This is what I noticed... .in the beginning I would cry for hours, and be in a funk for a day or two. But over time it lessened. Now if I get triggered (I'm moving out of the home we shared, so there are lots of triggers) I cry for 5 minutes and am in a funk for 15 minutes - and then it's over.

Be gentle and compassionate with yourself - don't judge your emotions. You've been through a difficult, traumatic experience.  

[disorderedsociety]

I keep having these crying épisodes every 2-3 days. A memory will surface and then I can cry for hours. I think I'm getting better and having a few good days and then I'm back to crying again. I'm having one of these tonight. And it's mixed with hate for my exBPDbf, wishing he's in as much pain as I am.

I know the detachment process is not linear, but is it normal to still cry that much (I'm almost 2 months post bu)? I'm wondering if I'm stuck in a bad place and not progressing as I should be.

I haven't heard from him in 2 weeks today. It's the longest since the bu. I can't help but think that he's found a replacement now, or has splitted me black? I should be relieved since I initiated the NC. Not answering his calls or text messages was hard but I guess it was some kind of validation that I meant something.

The way I see it is, the more crying you can do, the better! There are no "shoulds" in processing grief.

[once removed]

I keep having these crying épisodes every 2-3 days. A memory will surface and then I can cry for hours. I think I'm getting better and having a few good days and then I'm back to crying again. I'm having one of these tonight. And it's mixed with hate for my exBPDbf, wishing he's in as much pain as I am.

I know the detachment process is not linear, but is it normal to still cry that much (I'm almost 2 months post bu)? I'm wondering if I'm stuck in a bad place and not progressing as I should be.

I haven't heard from him in 2 weeks today. It's the longest since the bu. I can't help but think that he's found a replacement now, or has splitted me black? I should be relieved since I initiated the NC. Not answering his calls or text messages was hard but I guess it was some kind of validation that I meant something.

yolanda123,

. i had daily crying spells for several months. i could feel them coming on an hour or sometimes more before they did. you are not alone in this. it is a response to, and the processing of trauma and grief. i felt very similarly when i went NC. i no longer had that validation, i couldnt know for certain she was at least thinking of me, and i got worse before i got better. you are correct that the detachment process is not linear,  but in terms of processing, this can actually be seen as progress. youre taking more steps. steps can be painful, very painful, but they are steps. keep stepping, but slowly, carefully, and at your own pace. treat yourself well. theres no telling when it ends, but as turkish said, it does end.

[greenmonkey]

Everyone heals and recovers at different rates and speeds.

Give yourself a lot of self, eat well, get some fresh air, go out with friends and family do things for you. Take up exercise and do it regularly to get the endorphins going.

Write a list of all the positive things in your life that you have gained since the b/u

It takes time I am 9 months out and I have finally got me back - something my ex took away from me for the best part of two years. I am very strict NC changed my email address, FB on lockdown, blocked on the phone and moved nearly 200 miles away. It is hard but the benefit far outweigh jumping back into a rs that is abusive, soul destroying etc

Look after you.

[JohnnyShoes]

Sweety, yes.

Not to alarm you or anyone, but it got better. It was layers. It got better in layers... .or like waves.

I occasionally cried out of the blue 5 years out.

Its all part of grieving. Not to be overly concerned about. You've just been through a traumatic experience not many people go through.

Its not like grieving a normal break up. Its 100x worse.

But you'll be fine. I promise!  ;-)

[HappyNihilist]

      

Yes, it's normal. It's hard and painful and horrible, but it gets better, I promise.

Don't worry about where you "should" be. Let yourself feel your emotions. Let yourself grieve. Let yourself be angry. Acknowledge and explore those feelings.

The end of a disordered relationship is not like the end of a "normal" relationship. There's a whole lot of debris left over from the hurricane. Don't feel like you have to clean up and rebuild overnight.  

[twanda2020]

The last few days I have been all over the place with my emotions. Original BU was 2 years ago, Ex lived with me for a year after that, so it feels like it's only been a year, and even less then that because I allowed myself to get sucked back in for another 7 - 8 months. I was doing pretty good after about 30 days NC after the Ex moved out. Now I am back to square one. It's been 3 weeks since I have seen my Ex and 2 weeks since my Ex has contacted me. I am trying to be strong and doing NC. I find my self sad, crying, then mad, and even sometimes hateful, fearful that I will be alone, or if I do meet someone it will end up like this last relationship, then I feel grateful that I am out of it and Ex has someone to deal with the Chaos. I was unhealthy in the relationship too, not just my Ex. I think for me one of the crazy things I feel is missing the Ex contacting me but at the same time on edge that the Ex will contact me. Wanting to see and spend time with the Ex even though I know I will be emotionally drained afterward, sent into a funk of sorts. Sometimes I feel down right crazy. I see why people compare it to an addiction. I know it gets better. I read the posts and know its possible. Just wish this crazy train would let me off sooner then later. I think we all process things in different ways and on our own time frame. When I get into a funk I try and bring myself to the present (get out of my head) and focus on me. What do I want? What is my ideal partner? Where to I want to be? This helps. Still working on the answers. Hang in there! 

[Yolanda123]

A big thank you everyone for your responses. Everyone of them helps me. I relate so much to your stories and experiences, it helps me to re-focus on what I need to do, and accept where I am and that it takes time. And to know that I’m not going crazy   

Take care everyone, a big   back to all of you.