BPD gf wanted to be single for a while, but don't think she will come b

[Corgicuddler95]

Hi there, this is my first post.

I was with my (ex-ish) girlfriend for about 1.5 years until a few weeks ago. When we mutually decided to go on a break. The last year has seen it be a long distance relationship (although she plans to move nearer to go to university in a couple months) which along with her increasing anxiety has made being together difficult which is why I agreed while I think she needed space to not have the extra pressure of a relationship. However with the distance our sex lives have suffered and she has said she finds it kind of awkward to do stuff now.

After about a week of this break we began talking again and I told her I missed her, understood she wanted space but that I could wait till she was ready to try again. She didn't take this well, saying I made her feel guilty, anxious and that she had been feeling a little less anxious so she said she couldn't see herself being in a relationship in the near future. I later apologised for this for spilling my emotions so prematurely and we now haven't spoken for two weeks.

I'm trying to do what's best for me (exercise and eating healthier) but I can't shake the feeling that I strongly love her and unbearably miss her. We went through a lot of stuff together (she had some pretty severe depressive episodes) and I've given it a lot of thought about what I could do better buts it's extremely difficult not knowing how she feels.

I know we will have to see each other in a couple of months when she moves to the same city I live in (we have mutual friends etc) but wanted to know of others experiences like this. Is there any chance after a while of space we could give it another shot?

Tl:dr: I love my long term girlfriend but we decided to go on a break. She says she doesn't want to get back together any time soon but I'm still hopelessly in love advice?

Thank you

[once removed]

hey corgicuddler95 and

sure theres a chance. its tricky, she sounds very sensitive and as someone with anxiety, i know the smallest gesture can make a person feel overwhelmed. youre right to give her space; youre also right to give yourself space. the focus you can give yourself right now will make all the difference in the world going forward.

have you had a chance to read through the lessons directly to the right?

[rotiroti]

Is she diagnosed BPD?

Moving and university are both very big events in one life and can be very stressful and can be a trigger for anyone's anxiety. Any updates since?

[Corgicuddler95]

Hey, thanks for the replies.

There has been no big update, I haven't talked to her (which is difficult) but I know she has been struggling to find a place (though its a big city so I'm sure she will find somewhere).

I don't think shes been officially diagnosed but several professionals have told her they think it might be the problem, from my perspective she definitely has some of the traits (but lacks a couple, shes not a angry person for example). I'm a couple years older and when I was her age I had issues with depression so I was very empathetic but I do think I've failed her in that regard because as her anxiety has effected her ability to leave the house it has tired me out (though I feel that empathy and energy is coming back to me now).

She has been to university before but dropped out because she hated her course. The last year shes been at home (3 hours away) and not really doing much.

I've looked through the lessons a bit, i'll try focusing on them when I next feel unbearable.

[Corgicuddler95]

Just thought I'd give a quick update, even though nothing much has happened. We still havent talked but I did send her some stuff for her birthday which i had bought before we broke up, she said thank you but it seemed pretty lifeless and compulsory. I didn't reply. I've also stopped her stuff coming up on my Twitter and facebook feeds.

I'm just trying to focus on myself but it can be really difficult because I miss her so much and can't stop fantasising about perfect dates I wish I could take her on. Some days are much harder than other (I left work early last week but that was partly due to chemical depression I think) and occasionally think about worse case scenarios (she never loved me, she just wants to sleep with other people etc). I guess my main concern is trying to work out is she "just wanted to be single for a while" to sort herself out and due to her BPD or because she didn't love me anymore  

[once removed]

"I've also stopped her stuff coming up on my Twitter and facebook feeds."

thats a good move corgicuddler95. be protective of your recovery and yourself. seeing those things can be highly triggering.

"Some days are much harder than other (I left work early last week but that was partly due to chemical depression I think) and occasionally think about worse case scenarios (she never loved me, she just wants to sleep with other people etc). I guess my main concern is trying to work out is she "just wanted to be single for a while" to sort herself out and due to her BPD or because she didn't love me anymore "

i understand some days being much harder than others, as well as depression. this has been understandably hard on you  . any breakup is tough, a relationship with a person with BPD tends to be volatile, and leave us with an incredible amount to sort out in the aftermath. BPD is a mental illness. its rarely as simple as "she didnt love me anymore", its far more complex, which can be both a small comfort, and a sad reality, but the fact is our loved ones are likely not experiencing things the way we are, or the way we assume they are, so try not to torture yourself with these thoughts, though we have all gone through similar ruminations  .

have you considered seeing a therapist?

[Corgicuddler95]

Thanks for replying 

I do see a therapist but because they're private I can only see them so often (about 1 time a month outside of emergencies) but I'm hoping to start seeing a university counsellor soon.

I understand that I can't really comprehend how she sees love but I'm sure she at least cared. I really would want to try again and I know she needs all the help she can get but its been 4 weeks since we last properly talked and 6 week since the break up. Also before I cut all her social media stuff out of my diet I noted she never once mentioned missing me and I know she hasn't talked to any of our mutual friends about us.While it could be because she hasn't really had to go out or socialise much in that time so she  can live in her own world, you read so many stories about BPD partners wanting to reconcile after only a few days or week.

It's like she hasn't been bothered by it, which considering how important we were to each other hurts a lot. 

[once removed]

i think a counselor is a great supplement to a therapist you can only see once a month. how long are your therapy sessions?

"I understand that I can't really comprehend how she sees love but I'm sure she at least cared. I really would want to try again and I know she needs all the help she can get but its been 4 weeks since we last properly talked and 6 week since the break up. Also before I cut all her social media stuff out of my diet I noted she never once mentioned missing me and I know she hasn't talked to any of our mutual friends about us.While it could be because she hasn't really had to go out or socialise much in that time so she  can live in her own world, you read so many stories about BPD partners wanting to reconcile after only a few days or week.

It's like she hasn't been bothered by it, which considering how important we were to each other hurts a lot."

sure she cared. there was nothing she expressed that wasnt meant or "real", the problem is that this involves mental illness, and its incredibly difficult for pwBPD to sustain such feelings. hardly all of pwBPD attempt to reconcile. my ex did not, and from what i gather she didnt speak much of us either; when asked she told people the breakup was a long time coming (shed heard this explanation before). there are also plenty of stories of smear campaigns, and you and i are both fortunate not to be on the receiving end of these. every person with BPD is different and unique, each relationship is unique. it does not speak to anything about you that she hasnt reached out. i understand that it hurts either way  . further learning about the disorder will help you depersonalize her actions and/or lack thereof.

[Corgicuddler95]

Thank you, did you ever try to reconcile?

[once removed]

not really, no, as i was replaced right away. before they were official i did send a text that i wanted to fight for us, which was ignored. there was a window of time that id have reconciled but i knew in my heart it was best it ended.

thanks for asking. how you doing today?

[Corgicuddler95]

I'm feeling a bit better today thank you.

Just got a bit upset because I was reading relationship advice about a relationship where the sexual attraction died (not including BPD) and they said that's a death nail  which happened for my partner towards me (despite not physically changing or me not thinking she's bloody gorgeous, just because we couldn't be intimate for a long time).

At least I dont have to worry much about her getting a serious partner anytime soon as she's been anxious to leave her house (though she could emotionally replace me with an online partner). I do want to attempt to reconcile but my moods keep changing in regards to how like that is  I just love her so much

[once removed]

glad youre feeling a bit better corgicuddler .

"normal" "relationship advice" doesnt always apply, these are unique situations that involve people with mental illness that revolves around the fears of abandonment and engulfment. sure, happy couples tend to have a vibrant sex life, but in any relationship, the sex waxes and wanes. many members here can relate to the sexless phases, or even withholding of sex including myself; most often, this is due to engulfment fears. what often hurts is that these relationships tend to begin in a very intense way, and the sex is frequent, and then once the fear of engulfment is triggered, it may suddenly stop which leads to confusion and frustration. this is sadly, virtually unavoidable.

[Corgicuddler95]

Thanks again,  may I ask why your ex BPD relationship didnt work out?

Right now I understand I'm in the devalued zone and there's nothing I can do about that. I think it going to try some casual dating, nothing serious and no physical intimacy, just flirting and going out every once in a while. That way I can see if my ex is really worth it but also get back together if she changes her mind. If only I wasnt so social awkward... .

[once removed]

Thanks again,  may I ask why your ex BPD relationship didnt work out?

[/quote

i could blame it on BPD. but the fact is it was both of us. it was unhealthy and dysfunctional. it was time for it to end.

Right now I understand I'm in the devalued zone and there's nothing I can do about that. I think it going to try some casual dating, nothing serious and no physical intimacy, just flirting and going out every once in a while. That way I can see if my ex is really worth it but also get back together if she changes her mind. If only I wasnt so social awkward... .

this may not be a bad idea. on the other hand, do you think youre ready? you are likely in a raw and vulnerable place, and that can complicate things, though keeping it casual, meeting people of the opposite sex, can also help reintroduce a sense of normalcy. it really depends on the person. i wasnt ready for a year and then i continued to make mistakes i thought id learned from. some are ready within a few months. are there things you are doing to rebuild your life and make it more fulfilling? the added benefit of this is that it helps us attract healthy future partners, but we also have less need to find someone to make us feel complete. can you elaborate a bit on the social awkwardness? we all have a bit of that 

[Corgicuddler95]

We will see if I'm ready. It's not really because I want to move on but because I want to see how good we really were together and how much fears I'll always be alone affect my situation.

My social awkwardness is pretty standard, I'm not good in large groups and can find it hard to talk a lot to strangers, my first serious girlfriend wasn't till I was 20 and even then it was lucky on my part that I happened to fit her criteria of desire (till the devaluation etc)

[Mistomaple]

Hi Corgi


So sorry to hear what you're going through. It makes me really think of my own situation, so you're not alone in the way you feel. My now Ex girlfriend is currently in Therapy for her BPD and broke off the relationship because she couldn't handle her emotions and focus on herself at the same time. The relationship became very dysfunctional due to my own insecurities aswell. No matter how badly I wanted to try again, I felt zero control and was only left confused and emotionally scarred. What I've learned is that feelings in pwBPD can change on a whim. My own Ex went through idealizing, devaluing, splitting and in the end both our insecurities clashed and opened the door for her to make a swift exit. I went on for weeks wishing I had just been stronger and done things right, beating myself up for letting it happen. I then went through this phase of push/pull where she wouldn't be clear if she wanted to give a second chance. It was always "I don't know" and "I can't say what's going to happen in the future".


The more I did fight, the more damage is seemed to do, until eventually her feelings changed again and the relationship in her eyes was just done. There was nothing anymore and even thinking about getting together is a huge waste of time to her. It does hurt really badly wanting something you can't ever have, but the silver lining is that you now have time to look at yourself and grow. Remember that the future isn't set in stone. She could contact you again at any time and this time will give you the strength and knowledge to make a decision. Hey! This hurt could lead to something better!


I accepted that I may never get my ex back. I still cry every time I see her face in pictures on FB, I still get anxious that another guy could come along and that she's getting her emotional needs met by somebody else. But I am taking care of myself now and going out into the world. I even started talking to a few other girls and really had a connection with one of them. Even though nothing is serious, I did ask her out on a date.


Sure it sounds crazy and you have to feel recovered enough to take steps like this. But your life stops for nobody.