As Always I Need Some Of Your Wisdom To Answer My Question

[NewWays]

All... .

Hope all is well with everyone.

Going on more than a year and half post divorce and I need insight and wisdom from all of you.  If any of the real subject matter experts... .lived n learned, Skip, ForeverDad, Maxen and Mutt etc., care to offer up... .that would be appreciated as well.

Right after divorce was final, all of the details had been taken care of for settlement in what was a nasty and acrimonious divorce that I spent way too much on for legal fees.  Dodged her false claims and finally got down to the marital assets she felt she was right and I was wrong.  The judge let us back and forth way too long before she said you both either decide or I will decide for each of you when we go to trial.

I told her that I had decided it best that moving forward NC was the best me and that is what I would pursue.  3 or 4 months after the divorce was final she called me and left a voice mail that she had seen a car theft in our neighborhood where I still lived.  I did not respond.

Then several weeks after that she asked me if I wanted to come over and say goodbye to one of the cats that was probably going to have to be put down and I again told her to cease contacting me and that I really did not want to interact or maintain any type of communication with her, and she gave no response.

Now a year after that last contact, I receive EOB documents in the mail from what used to be our joint health insurance I had her on as part of my company policy... .indicating two separate charges for $900 and $1,200 respectively that she instructed her physician to submit.

The explanation of benefits was clear in that it stated that the ex-spouse was no longer covered under the policy and that she would have to pay the charges.  Her medical provider was copied on the same EOB.

Today, I get another EOB in the mail that she had her doctor submit for $425.  I contacted my insurance and they said I am in no financial liability status and they would send a letter to her physician reminding him that state and county records clearly state that the divorce was final over 1.5 years ago and that coverage for her as a spouse no longer exists.

Now mind you this is the same woman that before the divorce was final cancelled my medical coverage on her employer plan that ended up costing me to pay $450 for a minor surgical procedure as a result of not having her insurance benefits any more.

I'm  staying on my path trying to heal from divorce in a way that I can find peace after a very difficult marriage with a woman that was disordered with BPD that I am trying to heal from.

What is going on with these EOB mailings?

While I was seeing my therapist, he used to give me perspective on understanding BPD behaviors... .and reminded me that that BPD is an illness and that like the serious illness his mother had been diagnosed with he could not be angry or mad at the times his mother told him he was worthless and that she was not proud of him even though he had completed medical school at a prestigious east coast medical school because her cancer had spread to her brain before she died and had a major negative impact her emotions, anger and how she interacted with him.

He indicated I had to understand the same as my BPD wife and I ended our marriage and the related contact behaviors that resulted after the divorce.

Is that the answer to what is going on with these new contact and engagement attempts with her?

Sorry for the long email.

NewWays

[ugghh]

My xBPDw reached out about a month ago after not contacting me for probably about 3 months.  Divorce was finalized last July, sold house in September and she continued off and on until about March and then it seemed to die down.  Minor flare up around a graduation in May and then died down again for a couple months.

My counselor more or less said the same thing that BPD is a chronic condition.  So they never really go away.

My general theory is that they reach out to us ex s when whatever is going on in their life throw them for a loop.

[enlighten me]

There could be a number of things behind this behaviour. My gut feeling is that its to do with emotional imaturity. Both my uBPD exs had a child like sense of entitlement. As a child expects a parent to take care of them so did my exs. Even after we split up. At first I thought it was them being greedy but now I think I took on a father figure for them.

[NewWays]

The entitlement perspective makes sense.

But as Voltaire said, "Common sense is not so common"... .Yet can the entitlement reason be in place even when she at the time of our divorce was earning $35,000 more salary!

But... .she knows that the insurance is no longer in place... .and that my financial situation was not great when we divorced... .so with her $35,000 (Now it could be more) more salary and the fact that the coverage is gone, is she thinking that I will go out and find the extra $2,500+ to give her because... .she is entitled that I pay for it?... .or does she think I'm stupid enough to pay it or just giving me some sh** because she is bored, or whatever?

Thoughts?

NewWays

[enlighten me]

This sense of entitlement is more about being looked after/ protected than financial circumstances. As we grow we learn to stand on our own feet and leave behind our security blankets. PWBPD seem to need a security blanket. It means they dont have to solve their problems even though theyre more than capable of doing it.

A child expects a parent to take care of things and make everything better. If a child doesnt get their own way they vilify the parent. Think of how children behave and look at your BPD's behaviour. You may be suprised at the similarities.

[GaGrl]

It could slimy be a way for her to delay payment.

[livednlearned]

Could it be a simple filing mistake? Either on her part, or the offices where her doctors are located?

Or she wants you to see that she has medical issues? My ex was very melodramatic when doctor's did even minor surgeries on him.

My ex is also high-functioning, an attorney, law professor, accomplished musician, published author. Yet, the simplest household finances were challenging for him. Really stumped me. I wrote him an email to say he no longer needed to pay dues at the faculty club where S14 went to camp. Out of curiosity, I checked and he is still paying dues there. No one attends the club anymore, it's just throwing money away.

I remember, too, taking over finances after we married and seeing that he handled his school loans in the worst way possible, paying them off for more than 25 years even though he was making good money. He blamed his ex wife for signing bad repayment terms, but when I requested the promissory note to see if there was anything we could do, it was ex's signature.

I could go on and on.

Deep down, N/BPDx needs a parent to take care of him. Physically, emotionally, financially.

[NewWays]

livednlearned... .

Well... .I'm hard pressed to really believe that after you... .as an ex-spouse, who has been sent an Explanation of Benefits summary for two separate submissions that indicate that your claim has been denied by BCBS, that now is approaching the $2,000 amount... .that your submitting Dr., also is getting the same no coverage in place EOB / Letter... .would not see there is no coverage.

#2-Do you have any insight as to how long after divorce... .the spouse "gets it" regarding that while I do care about anyone that faces or has to go through medical challenges.  But, the fact that she may be having medical issues... .is really no longer the concern and caring I used to have.  That connection no longer exists and since in my mind I am evolving to become just another person on this earth that has no involvement in her life, her letting me know now of recent trips to her Dr. is like me writing a note to:  "Whom It May Concern"... .I fractured my wrist up at the lake on Saturday and putting the note under the wiper blades on several cars in the parking lot!  Most drivers, after reading the note would toss it in the trash!

Do you think high functioning BPD disordered spouses present a whole higher levels of challenges and pain?

I think that the high functioning individual does... .many friends that were close still have a hard time believing that she gave me left hook punches one of which fractured my eye socket... .and that at times as a result of her rage she would scream and yell in such a violent manner that she could hardly breathe!

Your thoughts?

NewWays

[maxen]

she asked me if I wanted to come over and say goodbye to one of the cats

not the first time i've heard of a r/s being worked out through the cat

Today, I get another EOB in the mail that she had her doctor submit for $425.  I contacted my insurance and they said I am in no financial liability status and they would send a letter to her physician reminding him that state and county records clearly state that the divorce was final over 1.5 years ago and that coverage for her as a spouse no longer exists.

excellent! it's nice to get satisfaction.

but I don't see how these bills would have been posted to you. i wonder if l'n'l is right: a bureaucratic mistake? would her doctor's office or insurance company have mailed these to you just because she requested it? it seems unlikely.

as to what's going on, i'm afraid i can't help. my exw is high functioning too, but she was gone pretty much from the moment she was gone. she had another r/s before she left, so she doesn't need my attention. through her lawyer she's been vicious, not needy.

[momtara]

Sounds like she wants to engage you.

BPD is so depressing. Sounds like you're handling it properly, but it's never easy.

With the cat, she probably was truly feeling bad... .but if she'd sucked you in, it would have gone on and on.

What a terrible disorder.

[NewWays]

lived n learned... .

WOW... .

1.  High-functioning

2.  An attorney

3.  Law professor

4.  Accomplished musician

5.  Published author

Are you kidding?

How can there be such a reality gap with H/F disordered BPD people?  How did you deal with that set of traits?

My ex-wife most people thought was PERFECT!  Never knew what was going on behind closed doors!  Here Grandmother saw a couple of her rage-it was all my fault displays and really got on her case... .she told her to "Cut that shi* out"

After that my ex-wife would blame me for her Grandmother getting on her case... .told me her Grandmother would never hold her feet to the fire until we got married... .said I put unrealistic ideas in her head.

How can there be such a big difference?

NewWays