Just Feel Emotionally Beat Up

[murmom]

Hello fellow board members!

I have not been on here for a while.  Everything has been going somewhat okay lately with my 17 year old BPD dx'd daughter.  For background purposes, I moved her out of state to get her out of a bad situation (drug addicted friends, she was using drugs, running away, getting arrested, etc.) and she was hospitalized in our new state for about 5 months.  Then my daughter got a job and has been working on her GED.  Fast forward to today and she has run away (flown away) to be in our home state with her old friends.  A friend there bought her a plane ticket.  I have been on the phone with her, worried sick.  Of course she let me have it that I have ruined her life and when she is 18 (in 2 months), I am "not her mother anymore."  She is flying back, but the stress of all of this is too much. 

I guess I am wondering how I "let her go," (when she is 18) and wonder if this is what is best for both of us.  By that, I mean she lives her own life and I am not involved anymore.

Murmom

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Elizabeth22]

murmom    I am glad you found your way back to a place where there is love and support. I am sorry that it is under such painful circumstances.

It's hard to know when and how to let go, I can identify with your struggle. My pwBPD is my uBPD DIL and she has recently ripped our family apart, and that means losing my son.

It's different for everyone, but I am coming to the conclusion that when you have done all you can, and you've done your best, and you can't do it anymore - that might be the time to let go. For others its sooner and for others its later. I guess what I am trying to say that for me, when it turns from help to enabling, its time.

It sounds like you have already done so much to help her, but you are reaching your breaking point, and that's ok. Many here have told me that I have to take care of myself first and I was honestly relieved to have that validation and "permission" for lack of a better word.

My son made it easy for me, he told me to not contact him anymore and I am honoring the boundary - but honestly- its a relief as well.

Sounds like your daughter might be doing that with you as well.

I wish I had better answers, I just wanted to offer you some empathy and support. 

[lbjnltx]

Hi murmom,

I'm glad to see you back though sorry that the news isn't better regarding your daughter.

It's hard to lose any parental authority over our mentally ill children and not be able to heavily influence their care anymore. 

I think it may help you to look at where you have any real power in her life after 18... .accepting what we can  and cannot control is both sad and productive for us.

Elizabeth22 touches on what your future may look like with your then adult daughter... .supporting and not enabling.  Keeping the lines of communication open through skilled responses and boundaries can improve and sustain a relationship with your daughter in her adult years.

Have you looked at the workshop and lessons on validation, SET, and boundaries yet?  We are here to help you learn them, practice them and answer any questions you might have.

 Hang in there... .it's tough!