Detaching From My BPD husband

[mm1024]

Looking for some feedback, my BPD husband and I are in the process of divorce he has become increasingly hostile and yesterday got physical, I had to call the police. About a week ago, after he had been harassing me through email and incredibly hostile to me, I told him, in writing:

"I feel your communication is exceedingly negative and serving no purpose except blame and aggression towards me. I will not subject myself to it for one more moment. You were emotionally, verbally and physically abusive during our marriage and the emotional and verbal abuse is carrying over into our divorce. Do not contact me any further. If there is something you need to say, send it to my attorney and i will correspond through him. I am done... .in every aspect... .in every area. I wish to be and have the right to be left alone. Respect my boundaries if nothing else."

After I emailed it, he emailed me 5 times, to which I didnt respond at all nor have I to anything he emails/texts to me. I need this in order to detach and start to heal, as my therapist has recommended. I know my non response to him and avoiding him is scaring him as he must feel I am abandoning him, which I am not, I am trying to save myself.

If anyone has a better recommendation or experience, please let me know. Thanks!

[HappyNihilist]

  Hi, mm1024, and welcome! You'll find a lot of great resources here, and people who understand. It helps to talk.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Divorce isn't easy, and dealing with an emotionally disordered person adds a layer of difficulty all its own. I'm glad you're taking care of yourself by calling the police, talking to your therapist, and doing what is best for You.

You may want to read and post on the Family law, divorce, and custody boards, too. The objective of the family law boards is to help members get through a divorce that may be complicated by a high conflict, disordered spouse.

You sent him a letter that clearly set out your boundaries and gave instructions for how he should communicate with you. He immediately disregarded that. That doesn't show a lot of respect for you. Neither does the aggression and hostility. Yes, he may be scared and feel abandoned, but you are not responsible for his feelings. You have to do what you need to do to detach and heal.

You said he was harassing you through email, and that yesterday things got physical. Are you in a safe place now? How are you feeling?

[Mutt]

Hi mm1024,



I'm sorry you're going through this. Divorcing a person that displays BPD characteristics, and personality type can be emotionally distressing.

HappyNihilist has given you great advice and a helpful board to cope and provide strategies from fellow members that have experience with the courts and mental illness.

It's good to hear that you're going to a T and it helps to have support from peers that understand the painful emotional and physical experiences you faced. You are not alone.

I would like to share with you that it sounds like he may be going through extinction bursts with his emotional response to your email clearly outlining your boundaries.

After I emailed it, he emailed me 5 times,

The behaviors get worst before they get better and I want to warn you. Your response is what needs to be done to stop re-enforcing the behaviors. I understand this phenomena may sound scary and understand that they are temporary.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Extinction Bursts

[mm1024]

Thank you Happy Nihilist and Mutt for your messages.  I just read about extinction bursts and it sounds like that is what he is going through. I am very cognizant about taking care of myself and my 3 teenage boys, he is not their dad, we are a second marriage. I believe this all happened in his first marriage as well and have been thinking of reaching out to her, we are friendly. I am torn on this, although I feel she and I may be able to share our experience, not sure and any feedback you have on that would be greatly appreciated.

Not having any contact with him has been so peaceful for me.  I am so glad I joined this site.  Thanks you!

[Mutt]

Hi mm1024,

Thanks for joining us   I had a similar experience with my step-daughter's step-mom and I knew that she had suffered for years with not knowing why my ex wife behaved the way that she did towards her and her family. I didn't know my step-daughter's family because they lived in a different Province and it was my ex wife and step-daughter that spoke to her. I didn't know her very well and with telling her, I made a very close friend today.

I had the need to see if my ex wife behaved this way in her past with people that knew her because I was struggling with how someone I loved suffered mental illness. I found my answers by looking for the ones that I was seeking in the past. Sometimes my SD's SM would cry herself to sleep because of how insensitive and cruel she was towards her and I think I helped her. I felt like I trusted my SD's SM and the choice turned out to be a favorable one.

[HappyNihilist]

I believe this all happened in his first marriage as well and have been thinking of reaching out to her, we are friendly. I am torn on this, although I feel she and I may be able to share our experience, not sure and any feedback you have on that would be greatly appreciated.

If you're friendly with his ex-wife, then I think it would be a good idea to at least bring it up with her. One of my good friends recently filed for divorce from her BPDh, and she reached out to his first wife. They didn't know each other beforehand. The first wife and she hit it off great, and shared stories and advice, and it really helped my friend. It helps so much to talk. Especially to someone who understands the situation so well!

Not having any contact with him has been so peaceful for me.  I am so glad I joined this site. 

We're very glad you did, too. And I'm glad the no contact (NC) has been peaceful for you. You deserve peace!

[mm1024]

I reached out to my BPDh ex wife last night via email. I realize she may be hesitant and that is okay.

I have a question, my therapist will no longer be taking my insurance in September, is there a good way to find a therapist that truly understands the Non BPD recovery?  I was lucky when I started seeing my therapist she was well experienced with BPD, although she only works with non BPDs.

Thank you all for being so supportive.