Where should I and the kids be when he is served the papers

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi,

My controlling narcissist uBPDh does not want me to divorce, and is doing everything possible to make that not happen. It's been about 1 1/2 years since I first wanted out, and only now is he getting the idea. He will not let me work, and is controlling to the very end. My cell phone has a device that tells him where I am at all times. He did say that since I pursued this idea of the divorce, I had just started myself a war.

The very next day he took my name of the bank accounts and canceled my credit card. He said he would hand cash over to me, as he thought I needed it.

I am thinking about getting a restraining order because there is no way that I can emotionally have him sleep in the other room and I go on with the divorce. I have stood up to him 2x in our whole marriage, and the two times he flipped out majorly. He isnt violent, but scary. When he flips out I just cow down and try to leave the room - I always stand by the door anyway.

He has gotten into fights before at work where he makes a major scene and people have to hold him down. He told me the other night that sometimes he just wants to hold me and kiss me, but then other times, he wants to hurt me and make me suffer, but not to worry, that he wouldn't do that.    He has never physically hurt me, but once I ran out of the house with the keys - so I don't know if he would hurt me or not. I am scared of his reaction about everything I do that isn't of his agreement. If he just flipped out because I looked at his facebook page, what will he do when he gets the restraining order?

I have thought about going to a friends house (that he knows nothing about) and staying their with S9 and D10 for a week, and not telling him. I was thinking of not even taking the kids to school that week, and just laying low. After he gets mad, but leaves the house, and the heat dies down, I would then go back home and change the locks. Of course, this would make him even madder and he would blame me (which, for the first time of the endless blaming, would be my fault. I can live up to that one.  ) I am not so sure this would be a good idea.

I keep reading other peoples post and you all seem to hang in there when they get served. I feel like a paranoid coward. But then I 'd prefer to be a live paranoid coward that a hurt or dead one.

What exactly am I suppost to do if he shows up and wants to harm me or the kids - wave a paper around and hope it keeps me safe?

And what in the world do I tell S9 and D10 about why we are living at a friends house and can't go to school for a week? My kids are sharp and caught on quick to what was happening, but I try to keep them in good spirits. But it does get hard sometimes... ."Yeah, son, we have to move because daddy wants to hurt me". That really doesn't help.

What have been your experiences about moving out, getting safe, serving papers, etc... .

[Monarch Butterfly]

Hi,

My controlling narcissist uBPDh does not want me to divorce, and is doing everything possible to make that not happen. It's been about 1 1/2 years since I first wanted out, and only now is he getting the idea. He will not let me work, and is controlling to the very end. My cell phone has a device that tells him where I am at all times. He did say that since I pursued this idea of the divorce, I had just started myself a war.

The very next day he took my name of the bank accounts and canceled my credit card. He said he would hand cash over to me, as he thought I needed it.

I am thinking about getting a restraining order because there is no way that I can emotionally have him sleep in the other room and I go on with the divorce. I have stood up to him 2x in our whole marriage, and the two times he flipped out majorly. He isnt violent, but scary. When he flips out I just cow down and try to leave the room - I always stand by the door anyway.

He has gotten into fights before at work where he makes a major scene and people have to hold him down. He told me the other night that sometimes he just wants to hold me and kiss me, but then other times, he wants to hurt me and make me suffer, but not to worry, that he wouldn't do that.    He has never physically hurt me, but once I ran out of the house with the keys - so I don't know if he would hurt me or not. I am scared of his reaction about everything I do that isn't of his agreement. If he just flipped out because I looked at his facebook page, what will he do when he gets the restraining order?

I have thought about going to a friends house (that he knows nothing about) and staying their with S9 and D10 for a week, and not telling him. I was thinking of not even taking the kids to school that week, and just laying low. After he gets mad, but leaves the house, and the heat dies down, I would then go back home and change the locks. Of course, this would make him even madder and he would blame me (which, for the first time of the endless blaming, would be my fault. I can live up to that one.  ) I am not so sure this would be a good idea.

I keep reading other peoples post and you all seem to hang in there when they get served. I feel like a paranoid coward. But then I 'd prefer to be a live paranoid coward that a hurt or dead one.

What exactly am I suppost to do if he shows up and wants to harm me or the kids - wave a paper around and hope it keeps me safe?

And what in the world do I tell S9 and D10 about why we are living at a friends house and can't go to school for a week? My kids are sharp and caught on quick to what was happening, but I try to keep them in good spirits. But it does get hard sometimes... ."Yeah, son, we have to move because daddy wants to hurt me". That really doesn't help.

What have been your experiences about moving out, getting safe, serving papers, etc... .

[momtara]

Patricia Evans' book on verbal abuse and her website verbalabuse.com have some suggestions for how to leave safely without making things worse and where to be when papers are served (read it all about 2 years ago but I think it's there).

[Turkish]

MB,

In terms of DV, you're being abused even if you haven't been physically struck. Controlling you through financial means is a huge 

According to the Duluth Model:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61403.msg580701#msg580701

he wants to hurt me and make me suffer

This.

It may help you to form a plan by calling a local help line to get help with options (not from a phone to which he might have access). The call can be anonymous.

Turkish

[whirlpoollife]

Monarch, you are not paranoid , you are beaten down from the power and control abuse. You are heading into the storm and and be proud of yourself for making the decision to leave. He doesn't want you to leave because  he uses you to feed his power. It's not because he loves you.    I say it bluntly because I was married 27 yrs to a NPD sociopathic master manipulator h.

If you leave  the house, I would guess he would be the one to change the locks. So before you leave , take important papers move them to a safe place.  Anything showing the joint accounts before he took your name off them. Same for  credit cards statements. Any deeds or mortage . Passports, visas ... .I read that you are in a different country. move any small memorabilia ... photos, and kids most favorite items out. Dont think he will have a moment of reason to let you back in for these later.

A safety plan from a local crisis center can help.

If you have any money, buy a trac phone. Then leave the other phone at home when you go out.  ( I was tracked from my xh long before divorce) .  Then hide it very carefully. Sleep with it, and keep it on silent.

As for telling the kids about divorce no easy way.  I tried to tell kids calmly but xh took it  over to the highest with PA and blame in full force so be prepared.

Hang on to that last bit of inner strength to start the process out.

[ForeverDad]

Sometimes people say to file requesting that the ex pay the legal fees, in which case you wouldn't have to settle for a cheap but ineffectual lawyer.  I don't know if that would work or not.  In my case, when I divorced I was not required to pay for my then-spouse's legal costs.  That was between her and her lawyers.  But I'm quite sure they were expecting payment from her portion of the marital equity and assets.

So you may be able to find lawyers that would get payment upon the conclusion of the divorce.  They would need some assurance that if you drop the divorce then they would still get paid.  Obviously, if he's controlling all the money then one of your items to file, in addition for (1) possession of the family home, (2) expenses paid during the divorce, (3) temporary child support, (4) temporary spousal support then also that he pay for your legal fees.  If you have use of a family vehicle, then ask for that too since anything not mentioned specifically could be yanked just for spite.  You may not get all of that, but you are probably fully within normal parameters to make all those requests.  Probably good to mention you were on accounts and had access to credit cards, etc until you started separating?  The worst that would happen is that the court might say No to some of it.  Unless you are asking for the moon, the court won't see you as unreasonable.  Though you don't want to position yourself as an entitled mother, now is not the time to be overly timid either.

So, if you are concerned for your safety or how he might retaliate, then you are justified to take precautions to ensure the risks of the time of separation are minimized.  That's not blocking, it is prudent.  That said, you can allow telephone access with the children.  For actual visits you might be able to state, "My lawyer advised me to handle parenting until the court makes a decision.  We will be having a hearing soon, let's wait for that and see what the court decides."  In that way you can try to deflect the blaming off you and onto the lawyers and court.

If you FEEL unsafe, then you have basis to explain why in the court filing and seek a restraining order, possession of the home, use of a vehicle, interim ordered support, etc.

[Monarch Butterfly]

Thank you so much for the replies. That are helping me so much. I have go one to filing a divorce - did that today. So I feel better already about all this. Amazing how much peace I have, just knowing I'm headed the right direction.

[ForeverDad]

As for the upcoming temporary order, did you include any requests for temporary possession of the home, temporary custody of the children, temporary child support and temporary spousal support?  Some states allow that up front, others force you to wait a few weeks in limbo until the initial hearing.

Remember, never move out without the children!  If you're under stress with him around and have to keep your distance from him by ending the marriage, you need to protect your children too, even if he's not actively doing it (yet).  Yes, if court does not see him as abusive to the children, then it will allow him visitation, but he will continue trying to control you, if not directly once the marriage is ended then through the children, so you need to be smart and keep as much custody and parenting as possible.

In my case, I filed for divorce and custody but had to wait for the initial hearing to get a temp order.  It took me a month to find a lawyer and another two months for my initial divorce hearing.  Meanwhile, she blocked all father-son contact and no one would help me, even the police refused to accompany me to see my preschooler and told me to come back when I had an order in hand... .yet they also admitted they'd come rushing if I went to her door and she called 911.  I didn't want to get arrested so I was forced to wait.  Since he wasn't old enough for school I didn't even have an opportunity to see him at school or pick him up from school.  When we got into court the magistrate confirmed from her she had blocked me for 3 months and all he did was say, "Well, I'll fix that."  I walked out with standard Father alternate weekends.  She faced no consequences, partly I guess because she was Mother and partly because there was no order in place during that time.

Also, get some practice describing your situation.  You may not have considered yourself being abused and may have a hard time stating consistently it was abusive in the marriage.  Yes you can say you were 'fearful' even if some times weren't as basd as others, the overall environment wins out.  So don't be timid to describe it as it is.  His lawyer will likely claim the home environment or his treatment of you wasn't abusive, controlling or whatever and will try to ask questions in such a way to corner you into seemingly contradictory answers...   Can you describe the impact on you sufficiently and provide enough examples so that he or his lawyer can't say, "Judge, she says sometimes she's afraid and sometimes she isn't.  She's inconsistent and so we move that portion of her complaint be dismissed."  Yes, be aware, he has tactics, slick ones, and so you must prepare yourself for them and have strategies of your own.

Looking into the future... .you want to work but you can ask the court for spousal support and expenses paid so that you can get career training or college in order to better support yourself in the years to come.  It is not unreasonable to go back to school for a couple years (on ex's dime) to get a diploma or certification and be able to become independent in later years.

[Monarch Butterfly]

Wow, forever Dad, great insights! Thanks!

Thank all of you for your wonderful advice.