I have been involved with someone who was BPD before and it was a complete headspin. All the signs were there. Fast attachment, then pulling away, up, down, up down, and then out of nowhere - I was painted as the crazy villain and hated. It hurt so much. It actually triggered pain from my past that I had to go to therapy for, and for that, I'm grateful. It made me realize I wasn't over my childhood trauma by ripping the scab off old wounds.
Now, I feel like there is an adult self and though the lonely child tries to break through and I start thinking through that old schema, I tend to be able to rationally talk to the lonely child and see how irrational that way of thinking is. One's behavior and treatment of me has nothing to do with me and my self-worth.
Anyways, I think that is what made me finally see this situation for what it was and establish some sort of boundary.
In the beginning, I was more forward and free with this guy because he was a friend of my friends and they all said what a great guy he is, though he's shy. I made the first moves of texting and calling because my friend told me he had told her he felt too stupid for me and blah, blah, and in some of our first phone calls, he said 1) There was still plenty of time to push him away 2) That he was afraid of dating a crazy woman 3) That he could never be 100% himself with a woman before and 4) That he was afraid that when I saw his demons, I would leave because we were in the "sweet stage" right now.
I pretty much told him in those conversations that if he didn't take a chance that he would lose some amazing people out of his life: aka don't play games and push me away or I will leave. He said he knew.
We got closer, but the week before our friend's party (which turned into a joint party for me too because I got a job last minute that week) he became distant. He barely talked when I text him and when he replied it was vague and very delayed. So, I quit texting him. He text me the night of the party and made sure it was still on. At the party, our chemistry was electric. He was joking with me in the kitchen and I playfully tapped him on the back and he said, "Look, it's an abusive relationship!" and kind of caught himself. I said, "You must be drunk!" He said, "I was just trying to have some fun." This is the same guy who couldn't even commit to a date without backing out.
We were in the living room and all of a sudden, a side of him I'd never seen comes out... .he goes "Why didn't you tell me this was your party too?" accusingly. I said, "I didn't think it was that important because you were already coming... .plus, we didn't talk much this week." He goes, "You know you can text me anytime you want. I guess it's not that important. Are you going to tell me about your birthday plans next week?" Feeling cornered and flabbergasted by this side of him, especially in front of everyone, I said, "Maybe."
Later that night, we stayed up until 5 am talking and drinking and slept next to each other on the loveseat at our friend's house. He did not make the first move, but would look into my eyes. It drove me crazy and kinda turned me off, even though the intimacy of being next to him was amazing. Even after we woke up that next morning, there was something different about him... .it was like he was rigid next to me.
Two days later, I text him, and he didn't reply for a whole day, which was unlike him. So, sensing his need for space, I didn't reply to his reply. He text me Happy Birthday a few days later and I told him about my birthday plans. I told him our friends said we could go skinny dipping after they went to bed (joking) and he said, "Now you're crossing my boundaries *laughing emoji*" What man tells a woman she's crossing his boundaries when she mentions being naked? I was kinda floored there. I joked and said he didn't have to worry because I wasn't making anymore moves. He said, "What? I asked you out!" (which happened because I brought up then that I was the only one making moves aside from texting) and he didn't try to make it happen because he had "work he had to do." He said he was genuinely busy that night and he had meant when he was free So, he said to let him know when I was free again. After that text, he didn't respond to anything else I said, like when I said I would when I got my schedule.
Next thing I knew, it was my birthday party. He hadn't text me. My friend's husband (his buddy) called him and he acted deathly sick and told him he wasn't coming, yet he didn't have the decency to text me or call me after making that scene last weekend about letting him know about my plans for my birthday? Talk about annoying the hell out of me. He was just going to act like I hadn't invited him.
Monday, I text him and checked on him. He answered me, but it wasn't the fun and bubbly man I had gotten to know. It was Mr. Stonewall. He was answering, but his emotions weren't there. So, I had had it. I told him I got the feeling he wasn't into me or wasn't ready to date, and that I was ready to date and take to the next level, but I had been giving him space because of his distance. He took a whole day to respond. When he came back, it kind of shocked me how nice he was in our following conversation (probably because I had compassion and didn't make him feel bad).
He said he wasn't ready to date, but didn't want me to think he was trying to waste my time, liked me, liked getting to know me "no pressure", thought we could have something good, wanted to take things slow, didn't know how much time he needed, didn't want to hold me back, and he liked what we had so far. FINALLY, SOME FEELINGS.
I thought we ended on good terms. So, when two weeks went by and he didn't contact me, I decided to shoot him a light and friendly text, nothing heavy. He ignored me. He had never done that before. Feeling hurt and not understanding... .I bore my heart and soul and pretty much put the ball in his court after waiting two days for him to respond to the light text.
I told him I wasn't going to play this push/pull game with him (BOUNDARY). I told him that I knew he was scared and so was I. I told him that, in a sense, we are alike. I tend to push away men that actually pursue me and like me, and go after those who don't care, just like all of his past relationships (I'm beginning to think he mirrored that). I said that I felt like I had finally met someone who was good-hearted and just broken like me, which made it hard to take a risk and be open with someone. I pretty much told him he condemned himself to bad women by repeating the cycle with women who didn't care about him and hurt him by never being hurt by his distance. A woman who cares doesn't like being at arm's length. I told him that I felt like we could have something and I would like to see where it could go if he would work with me and go against the grain, being with someone who made him uncomfortable for all the right reasons. I said if he didn't respond (BOUNDARY) I was going on with my life, making peace, and wishing him the best, but that I had to take this chance because life is short.
He never responded. It's been a battle of talking my lonely child out of taking over how I process this. She's very hurt that someone would do this and the adult side of me recognizes that this is just another damaged soul that is damaged in a different way from me.
Overall, it just hurts to invest in someone who talked about where you would go on your first date and potentially meeting his parents (making you think he was ready to progress things) only to have the rug ripped out from under you and to be completely emotionally ignored... .
The lonely child part of me doesn't understand how you can get so close and know about each other's lives, only to cut that person out by ignoring their very existence. I just couldn't take being ignored... .that is blatant disrespect and I hate the anxiety it brings when you never know when that person is going to decide to act like you exist again. It wasn't for me. But, the silent treatment is when it all clicked for me... .I was dealing with another abandoned child who abandoned me. All the signs were there, but the rescuer in me didn't want to see them.
It just sucks to care when someone cuts you out like that. :'(
Honestly, if he was to come around again... .which I highly doubt for some reason... .I don't know how I would react after feeling like he took a s**t on my feelings.
P.S. Another sign of BPD... .my friend, when I confided in her everything that had happened between us since she was the one who set us up, said that he would even go periods without speaking to her and her husband, to eventually come around again. I'm not the only one he disappears from. They've even had to contact his mother to get in touch with him and he will make an excuse about leaving his phone in his truck. Classic white/black painting of people.
