BPD husband not a good dad, help, opinions?

[purekalm]

Hello all,

I was encouraged to write on this board, so here I am.   

My son has autism, and he's absolutely amazing. Problems arise when husband enters the picture.

Brief history: Son injured at four and a half months old. Husband was blamed, jailed, grand jury then no billed and let out. For over a year he only had visits with son and me at CPS building besides a surgery son needed for something birth related.

He tried to make a good impression on people but at home he never even tried to get near him for like the next three years. (Son will be 6 in a couple months) When he does it seems completely fake, like all surface, no real emotion and tries to do stuff that doesn't even interest him.

While that alone isn't a huge issue, his anger is. My husband has HUGE anger issues and will rage and/or whine and complain about Every. Little. Thing. Seriously, if his shoes don't tie right, if something doesn't load fast enough etc. It really grates on my nerves, but I have been working on it.

So, for example, the store. (Dun Dun Dun) Grocery or not, with husband, it's horrible. My son can't be too far away, too close, too loud, too quiet, too good, too bad, too anything, never good enough. Husband has this little laugh and I KNOW he's pissed at this point, over nothing usually. He used to pick him up and hold him so tight that my son would be screaming and crying for me and would sometimes leave little red marks. I always fought with him and MADE him put my son down THAT FREAKING INSTANT before I hurt my husband!

One particular night he was being extremely nasty to me and son about five months ago and tried the same thing while being very hash over a meltdown my son was currently in BECAUSE of his dad's irrational behavior. I threw my stuff in the cart, strode to my husband who was acting like he had it under control, reached out my hands and told him he better give me my son now and leave us, right now. There was fire in my eyes, he knew better to try and fight me so he practically threw him to me and stomped off, cussing up a storm about me and everything else. I took a few deep breaths myself and was able to help my son out of his meltdown. My husband came back to us about a half hour later with his tail between his legs, apologizing profusely. I told him in no uncertain terms was he to EVER try to hold him back again like that or I will ABSOLUTELY be done with him for good. Since then, he's only lightly tried to hold him back while my son is still standing, which still irritates me because he could just try to explain. He has no natural parenting skills at all.

Other less serious things are getting frustrated when husband builds something and son destroys it, (it's BLOCKS for goodness sakes! ) when son has no patience for what husband is attempting, having to spend time with him in general is usually met with an exasperated sigh.

He acts like he has no obligation to parent him. I mean, husband has no opinion on clothes, birthday, outings, school choice, therapy, doctors visits, anything. Even going to the park, when he goes, he takes his basketball instead of playing with our son. He makes an appearance here and there, but it's so superficial and I'm not the only one who sees it.

Now, I do fully understand and have had, well tried to have, conversations about his past abuse and the abuse of our son, him being afraid of jail again, etc. Only, nothing seems to sink in. He was the one gung ho about having a child, I wanted to wait, and then it was like a switch was flipped after the actual birth and he became extremely distant and uncaring ever since then.

I can reconcile a lot of his behaviors, but definitely not all, towards me. BUT, when it comes to my son, he's already been through enough and doesn't deserve to be treated this way. I'm at my end going back and forth on this. I'm a single married parent with a grown toddler as a roommate who can't say enough about how he wants me sexually and nothing else which, quite honestly repulses me anymore and I don't know what I should do. Thank you to anyone who reads and replies, I appreciate your time.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

 

Purekaim,

Thank you for posting and sharing your story.  I think we can help.

I need to know more about your story before giving too much advice.

Have you read the lessons?  Look to right side of the screen.

I think it would be good for you to read the lessons and then let us know what "jumped out at you" from the lessons.

Next... .does your son have a T for autism?  Have you guys ever been to a family T?

I think that would be helpful for you... .to find one that understand how autism affects a family...

One of the dynamics that might be helpful to get away from is for you to be the "boss of" or "decider" on when your husband's parenting is good or bad... specifically when it relates to autism.

For that... you will need an expert than can evaluate your son and then give guidance about what to do in certain situations... .

If you husband refuses to follow that advice... .then... .we can work on that separately... .

Thoughts so far?

I'm glad you are here!

FF

[purekalm]

Hello formflier,

First, I have read a majority of the lessons but not all as of yet. The funny thing is what I've read so far is not new to me in the least besides giving certain behaviors and treatments a name. You see, my dad was most certainly a borderline as well.

My dad has his own messed up history of abuse, sexual and physical besides the others that will generally come along with them. My mom was also abused and was adopted as an infant, with a seal that she couldn't even get to and finally gave up trying to find her real parents. There's so much I could say, but that is their story.

What affected me was my dad's drug addiction and him threatening mom that someone would kill us all if she didn't give him a certain amount of money, knowing the kids in school who dealt in school, having extremely immature guys follow us around the neighborhood to keep an eye on us (my two sisters and I) while all the time they're yelling obscene gestures, his older male friends eying us when they came over, drunken rages, hiding from cops, "moving" every year and actually not going anywhere except one time and came back a month later and had my teacher yell at me for my school books being finished by my older sister, (like I knew I was coming back or something) coming home to my mom crying in the bathroom with paint chips covering the floor where my dad was trying to take the door down to get to her, or her in the bed crying with a crowbar stabbed into the table through a phone book with multiple stabs around it, making sure my brother went to school and mom signed his book because she was too depressed to get up and help him after a while. When my dad would call, with me as young as 8 or 9 and tell my mom he was jumping into a river, he was going to walk in front of a car etc. because she didn't love him anymore and no one did, (usually because she had an attitude with him because of his behavior) and I would get handed the phone because my mom would be crying and I then would have to talk my dad down or out of whatever it was and when he came to he'd be reasonable enough to talk to mom again. I was constantly told that my life isn't that bad and others have it worse, so be grateful. Don't tell anyone anything here because they wouldn't understand and would take you guys from us, you think you're suffering now, just wait, there's molesters and rapist and murderers out there who take kids in just for the money, we don't want anything happening to you... . like what you just said isn't causing me grief? My sisters, brother and I made a pact anyway because we didn't want to get split up, we may have hated each other (as siblings do) but we knew we were all we had because our parents could only think about themselves. So, we never told anyone anything, even when I got called in the nurse's office in 7th grade and she was politely grilling me, all I did was sit there and cry until my mom showed up, then I knew I was in for it. With my dad just taking off whenever he wanted to party with friends for days or weeks on end, my mom was the punisher, and she was abusive to say the least, taking out her anger on us. I remember even going to get him at one of these parties one time, don't remember why my mom chased after him... .

Anyways, this led to me having co dependency issues, ulcer at 13 and sever depression starting at 15. I didn't want to feel anymore, it was too painful. So, I made myself not feel until it became second nature to do until I found God around 22 years old and started reversing the damage I did to myself. In the meantime we were homeless and SO many other things... So, I have lived with all this garbage my entire life, not just until 9 years old like my husband where he was rescued from his situation, yet, he is the one with BPD. No, I'm not saying I'm sane,  but unlike him, I work on my issues and as hard as the truth is to accept, I take criticism from people who point out a fault in me so I can become a better person. God knows I have tried and continue to through all this mess. Honestly, if it wasn't for God, I would have went insane or killed myself long ago, not to be dramatic in the least, just a fact.

No, I don't even know if they have therapists for autism, just kids in general. Me and my husband were court ordered into counseling six years ago and I continued over a year after it was dropped until my therapist took a better job. My husband's first counselor only wanted him to admit guilt and the second just chatted as friends and didn't help him. The problem isn't autism, he's like this with regular kids, unless they are connected to someone he wants to make an impression on, he can't stand kids because in his words he "never got to be a kid so he doesn't really no how to deal with them", and what he doesn't say is that he feels threatened and jealous of them. BUT, I call bull, because he was always with his nieces and nephews and even helped raise one of his adoptive mom's adopted kids... .

an expert to evaluate him? Not to be sarcastic but I AM the expert on my son! What mother isn't? The experts can help me with tools I didn't have, which they do, but even they constantly reiterate to me that as a parent, I'm the expert on my child and they will do all they can to help. You wouldn't believe the amount of experts in my life that we've been through for my son that have been amazed by my knowledge of his behaviors and needs, not because I'm special, but because apparently a lot of parents just don't care. Being put last as a child to insane behaviors I would very much like to help my son become a good man, but when he is constantly copying that crazy behaviors of his dad, what am I supposed to do?

My husband doesn't even go to my son's current speech and occupational therapy, and rarely asks me about his progress and all with an attitude of not really caring but feeling obligated. He doesn't follow anyone's advice if it doesn't match up with his own or benefit him in some way. He even discounted the parenting class advice for dealing with situations that we were also ordered to go to. (I was made to do all these things because I wouldn't point the finger and say he was guilty. So, as a brand new mom, here is some more garbage, I can't make good decisions and I'm a horrible mom. THANK YOU LOW SELF ESTEEM! Just keep piling it on why don't ya?)

Look, I know that you want to help, and I thank you for responding as you are the only one who has, but I'm so tired of this HELP ME crap, because THAT'S ALL I'VE BEEN DOING! Everywhere I look it's like everyone wants me to just take what he dishes out and be sensitive to HIS needs, well what about MY needs?   I haven't just dealt with this for the past six years, but quite literally my entire life. Do you have any idea what it's like to grow up with someone trying to constantly alter your reality to fit theirs? And the worst part, at 23 years old I caught my dad cheating and my AUNT, his sister has the AUDACITY to ask my mom if I would make it up so they wouldn't get back together? WHAT? No one on his side of the family ever believed what he was capable of. I'm tired of being the sane one and getting treated like I'm the one who's mentally ill!  :'(

If I could just disappear into an alternate reality with my son, or get enough money to go take a vacation (which being poor I've never had) I would do it. My younger brother is the only one who actually gets me and isn't afraid to correct me when I'm wrong or help lift me up. But, dang it, he needs help too! I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of the pain, but I welcome the pain over not feeling at all. I've had both and I know which one is better, at least with the pain I know I'm alive. And I don't give a darn about those people who say we "knew" who we got together with, because sometimes, they are EXPERTS at hiding who they truly are and I WILL NOT take the guilt that comes with oh, I did this to myself.

I never gave in to my husband, I never consented to his threats of suicide, or his irrational behavior and always confronted him about how I felt and what I would and would not put up with. HE DOESN'T SEEM TO CARE! Why do I stay now, why do a lot of women stay with a man like that? Simple, they don't want that boy who refuses to grow up and all his anger directed at the child/children they usually don't even care about or want if they were to share custody. Yes, I love him, I feel for him, I identify with his pain because some of it was own, but there are reasons why we do things and excuses. He uses excuses, and I use reasons. Reasons won't excuse my bad behavior, they are a root  I need to deal with on my road to becoming whole.

Yes, I'm angry, yes I'm exhausted, and if I've offended you or someone else all I can say is that is was not intentional. I have no other place to be me completely, no other place I can let my guard down. I'm not here looking for friends, but help and understanding. You don't have to agree with me, I'm ok with that. I have learned long ago to agree to disagree. It's much more healthy that way. I won't force anything on anyone, I just want it all to stop. (No, I don't mean I'm suicidal or even depressed, just, so exhausted in every way you could imagine.) Thank you for reading this whoever does. And even if no one does, it is definitely theraputic regardless.

[Kwamina]

Hi purekalm

Dealing with someone with BPD can be quite challenging indeed. You've also experienced this in your family of origin and I am very sorry you've had those experiences. In regard to your personal history, it might also be helpful for you to take a look at the tools and lessons on the Coping and Healing board for members with BPD family-members in their family of origin. Particularly the Survivors' guide for adults who suffered childhood abuse that you'll find to the right of that message board, is something that I think you might find interesting. The guide takes you from survivor to thriver in three major stages, with each stage containing 7 steps.

Regardless of how you decide to move forward with your husband, when dealing with an individual with BPD, setting and enforcing boundaries is essential to protect and preserve your own well-being. And in this case also the well-being of your son. Your post makes clear you realize this too when you say your son doesn't deserve to be treated this way by your husband and you are absolutely right about that.

Boundaries can help you change the relationship dynamics, regardless of whether the other person changes or not. Do you feel comfortable setting and enforcing boundaries with your husband? We have some material here about boundaries that you might find helpful:

Article: Getting Our Values and Boundaries in Order

Workshop: Examples of boundaries

Here's an excerpt from the article about boundaries:

Boundaries are how we define our values to others.   A boundary is nothing more than the outer perimeters of our independent core values -  it's like a fence  - anything inside the boundary is consistent with our core values and anything outside the boundary is not.  For example, if your independent core value is "always to be respectful of others" a boundary question might be "would abruptly walking out of the room when someone says something offensive be inside or outside of your definition of this value?"  It's not always obvious as we all see things differently.  As you can quickly see, with values, we have a significant responsibility to lead, educate and inform others - we must walk the walk, have effective communication and be consistent.

Take care

[purekalm]

Hello Kwamina,

I will probably take a look at but I find it highly unlikely it will be any different than all other material I have read. Like I mentioned before, I have done a lot of work on myself because of my childhood and because of my marriage. No matter how much I wanted to blame everything on my husband I realized I contributed to the craziness and have done a lot of self reflection and many other techniques for coping, surviving, thriving , healing, forgiving etc. I know I have MUCH more still to learn, it'd be extremely arrogant to insinuate otherwise, but I HAVE done tons of work on making myself a more whole person, it isn't like I haven't done anything at all and don't know what's going on.

Funny you should mention boundaries because I actually own the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud and have read it multiple times. I still refer to it and re-read it when I feel my boundaries are starting to blur. I know that a boundary is when I set a limit to what I will or won't put up with within reason and not an excuse to tell someone what they have to do to change for me.  I didn't always understand the difference.

An example of one I have set is that if I am belittled, yelled at, cussed at etc. I will no longer continue the conversation by becoming silent if in the car, changing the subject or walking away. The problem arises when you are setting boundaries with unhealthy people. In a normal relationship, boundaries are met with resistance but eventually respected and honored, the maturity of the relationship grows. When you are with an unhealthy person boundaries are taken as an attack, abandonment, and don't even try to make one in every area quicker than they can process because then you are made out to be unreasonable, controlling, a *itch  among other things.

He can be a great guy, to everyone else but my son and me. Ironically enough, the people he professes to love the most. He alternately thanks me for being with him through all his mess and then railing at me that I should have left, have no concern for his welfare, kick him out because he doesn't deserve us,  etc. Yes, I do realize this is because of his fear of losing the people that are closest to him while all the while being afraid to get to close.

It's exhausting, but it is what it is. I've told him things that I figured out about him that he would later come and tell me his therapist or pastor said the same thing. He is so insecure and resents me for being smarter/stronger than he is while alternately praising those qualities he admires in me.

I honestly don't know why I even posted here and I'm sorry for wasting everyone's time. All I've ever received my entire life is pat answers to tough questions or the fix you and it will improve method, except from my old therapist and occasionally from my brother. I guess I just wanted to identify with someone who has dealt with some of these same circumstances. For someone to validate me for a change instead of it always being the other way around.

You want me to be a realist? Then this is my reality. I accept that I was born in pain, lived my life in pain and will die in pain whilst trying to alleviate others pain because I will always be told to focus on myself but what people really mean by that is don't rock the boat but don't get upset when someone else does and you drown as they float away. Sometimes the truth really sucks, but if I ACCEPT my reality, it won't hurt so much anymore right? Yeah, all the way to where I'm back to being apathetic.

[Kwamina]

I honestly don't know why I even posted here and I'm sorry for wasting everyone's time. All I've ever received my entire life is pat answers to tough questions or the fix you and it will improve method, except from my old therapist and occasionally from my brother. I guess I just wanted to identify with someone who has dealt with some of these same circumstances. For someone to validate me for a change instead of it always being the other way around.

You want me to be a realist? Then this is my reality. I accept that I was born in pain, lived my life in pain and will die in pain whilst trying to alleviate others pain because I will always be told to focus on myself but what people really mean by that is don't rock the boat but don't get upset when someone else does and you drown as they float away. Sometimes the truth really sucks, but if I ACCEPT my reality, it won't hurt so much anymore right? Yeah, all the way to where I'm back to being apathetic.

I understand your reaction purekalm. My point was not to place blame on you. The reality I believe is that it's most likely that your husband isn't going to change any time soon. Therefor for any change to happen, it could only result from the things you do, from the changes you make in the way you interact with him. You can't control him, but you can control yourself and that's why we are focusing on you. I've read your other posts and that causes me great concern for your safety and that of your son:

A couple months after that husband was in room alone and my son screamed. Husband tex me to come in, didn't yell for me or anything. Yes, I was on way in because that particular scream seemed off to me. Remember he was always crying and yes I did take him to doctor for that. Spent Christmas at Children's to diagnose GERD. Son was limp and I flipped yelled for someone to call 911and grabbed him up and ran to my mom's room. Asked what happened to my husband and he said he just screamed and went limp.

Long story short we ended up in Children's for three days, found out he had inside head injury that healed on it's own and healing fractures to legs and right side front and back ribs.  We were questioned by police and medical staff next morning. Lack of empathy for whole situation they blamed husband. He had to move out and day after out of hospital he was arrested at work. So many signs, but I believed he was innocent. How could anyone do that on purpose, you know?

To be honest, your husband sounds very dangerous and a serious threat to you and your son's well-being. The people on the Staying Board are often the most stable people to offer well thought out advice for your safety planning and exit strategies, though this at first might sound counter-intuitive since this is called the Staying Board.

I have some questions for you that I hope might help you determine how you want to move forward with this relationship:

- Do you believe your husband was the cause of your son's injuries?

- Do you want to continue your marriage with your husband?

- Do you believe it's possible to be in a relationship with this man while also guaranteeing the safety of your son? Based on what happened in the past, the serious condition your son was in and the injuries he had, do you believe it's possible to continue your marriage with your husband?

[Suzn]

Do you have any idea what it's like to grow up with someone trying to constantly alter your reality to fit theirs?

Yes, I do. Those memories are painful, I'm sorry you went through all of this.

I'm tired of the pain, but I welcome the pain over not feeling at all. I've had both and I know which one is better, at least with the pain I know I'm alive.

That's because you are a survivor purekalm.

I'm so tired of this HELP ME crap, because THAT'S ALL I'VE BEEN DOING! Everywhere I look it's like everyone wants me to just take what he dishes out and be sensitive to HIS needs, well what about MY needs?

The lessons here are to help get both your needs met, whether you chose to stay or leave. Being sensitive to someone's needs does not mean to lose yourself completely in the effort. We have to reserve some of our energy for ourselves, we can't help anyone till we can help ourselves.

Your frustration is understandable. The history here did not happen overnight, it's not going to change overnight. This all takes time and fortitude. There is a lot of information here to take in and it will be best to take it one step at a time. (Even if you've read about it before)

Can you take a break, sit back and take few deep breaths? That always helps.

You are among friends purekalm, there's no judgement here.

[purekalm]

Hello again,

=( Please forgive me for sounding ungrateful, I don't mean to come off that way at all. Just every time I always reached out, no-one was there.

Kwamina,  I understand. At one point early on I did try to control him but it was pointed out to me and as hard as it was to accept I apologized for my actions and learned how to set boundaries, albeit very weak ones at first.

Most of my family think I've been insane to give him one chance, let alone all that I've put up with. Including very recent traumatic events for me that he was purposely absent or patronizing. To answer your questions... .

The final decision in our case was that our son was injured but no one was at fault. The thing is, they wanted to make him out to be an abuser so much they didn't listen to what I realized caused his injuries. My husband did cause his injuries, but to my knowledge they weren't purposely done. He rocked him on his legs, pretty rough WAY too young. I told him this several times, yet he didn't believe he was causing any harm. My son's legs would be flailing, his ribs were on my husband's knees, and he was only about three months old when he started doing this. Obviously, it was causing him harm, but he's been understandably terrified to admit he was the cause.  The night before everything fell apart my son was banging the back of his head on my husband's chest while my husband was playing a game with my brother. One time in particular he leaned forward pretty far and slammed his head so hard on my husband's chest my brother paused the game to check on him as well. My son cried for half a second, and then was fine. The very next night he went limp while in my husband's care behind a closed door to our room. Could there be more to this story? Definitely. But to my knowledge, and in the exact areas he was injured, it makes sense. Even the neurologist said it was very slight so that the first hospital missed it and it appeared like someone who slips on ice and hits the back of their head. Also, I would not diminish the seriousness of my son's injuries for the sake of my husband by any means.

Yes and no. Obviously this is a huge wedge between us because he has all but admitted it, but won't admit it. He can't deal with it without taking more blame and shame, which adds to his already extremely worthless/high opinion of himself. I'm not entirely sure we ever had a relationship to start with. Quite literally the only time he wants me around is for sex, to rub his back or something else he needs me for. I seem to be no more than a convenient "helper" for the majority of the time. I pretty much stopped sexual interactions and they are very rare because he was so bad that I couldn't even get a hug without being groped and pretty much forced sex as his main source of validation. It made me feel objectified and I told him so with at first him getting angry and then acting like I never said anything going back to normal. So, while I WISH we could have a relationship, I'm not sure it's possible.

If we did, my son would be safe because I already made my own protection plan. My mom is the only one that watches him, very rarely my brother if my mom's illnesses are getting her down, even if he's supposed to watch him at home he's heavily supervised by my mom, dad and brother. My mom watches him for me to get a shower or go to the doctor. Problem is, I know my mom can't always be around and I don't want to put so much pressure on her now. To be honest, she'd be less stressed if my husband were gone altogether. I can't blame her... .I have honestly been swaying heavily on separation or divorce, but I am literally terrified that he would have any rights to him at all, I wish he didn't now. I'd rather try to put up with his nonsense than even attempt to put my son in harm's way. He does get aggressive towards my son from time to time, but I'm an extremely quick and effective barrier, what if there was none? That's what literally keeps me awake at night. Maybe he wouldn't hurt him physically, but restraining and the very harsh way he relates to him would do plenty damage. My son is Very sensitive to bad feelings, even when you don't say anything. I don't want him to be like me, I want better. But, more often than not I feel stuck between a rock and hard place. That's why I originally posted on undecided, because I'm not sure what I should do.

Suzn, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make it sound like I'm the only one who had a mentally crazy childhood. I'm sorry for your loss of childhood as well.

I'm glad that I'm a survivor, but one day, I'd like to live.  :'(

I understand, and apologize once again for being harsh and judgemental, I'm just hurting being angry is easier than crying right? But, it doesn't help anything and injures others and for that I'm sorry. 

I will look at it, there's always a chance that something I've read before will make more sense now, or even something totally new, or a reminder. It all helps, but when I'm angry I don't want help, I want immediate change to alleviate the pain. And I have found he can't stand me being happy and will be on me all day one way or the other until I finally cave, and then it's my fault. I'm getting better at not letting him affect me, but it's not easy when he doesn't relent until you're as miserable as him, then he almost seems happy about it.

I'm trying to take a step back again. With my current health issues, school starting soon and severe lack of sleep recently, it's harder to stay focused. Without him, I was pretty energetic and always trying to smile, have fun, with him I'm reduced to this moody miserable mess and I don't like what I've let myself become.

... .Friends? That's'a nice word, I don't currently have any other than here. From what I was told at my old church people actually wanted to friends but I was so messed up in my situation I didn't want anyone to get close and see my pain. I learned a long time ago most people can't handle the crazy situations, even for a friend, unless they are extremely caring or survived a crazy situation of their own.

Thanks again for responding. It does help to ground me when there's some reasonable people around!   

[waverider]

I get where you are coming from most of the tools you read about are in effect survival tools. You are sick of just surviving and want to move past this to thriving.

Thriving doesn't come until you have fully embraced the reality of being willing to let go of the relationship if your needs are not met. The relationship has to be your choice, not simply an unescapable obligation

Your needs and "me" time and space are essential in this. Boundaries are required to establish your space, not just stopping his behaviors impinging. But also to allow a haven for your needs to grow. You have to discover what your paycheck is in this relationship, whats in it for you? Until you do this you wont get out of survival mode and get out of the perpetual resentment you find yourself in.

[LilMe]

purekalm-

I typed a lovely response on my phone last night then fell asleep and it is gone   

I find the Lessons here on the right -----> much more real and effective than anything else I have seen anywhere (and I have read all the books, etc!).  It took me reading them over many, many times, trial and error, and time, but they really work and help.  I continue to read them regularly!  Reading and posting on these boards is amazing too.  The people are so awesome and really care and know their stuff!

The one thing I have learned from a life of dealing with personality disordered persons is that I cannot change them or their behaviors, but I CAN change mine and that will affect them in a positive way.  Your husband is who he is and how he is - you cannot change that and you must accept that.  Yes, it sucks!  You are doing the right thing with boundaries to protect your son.  Now you must emotionally distance yourself from your husband and continue to be the best mom you can be.  It is not easy!  But it will make all the difference in you, your son, and your husband's relationships.  I don't know if I am explaining it in an understanding way or not! 

Example you gave - going to the park.  Husband pays no attention to the child.  His loss.  You and son have fun and don't worry about husband!  It does no one any good if you get angry, sulky, snarky to him (don't worry - we all do it!).  Once you start to pull away and really enjoy your life, your husband will notice and modify his behaviors.  Not necessarily in a good way either    But if you continue to be consistently happy and not bothered by him he WILL notice.  My uBPDh got really bad when I first started working on myself, but I stayed with my plan and kept working.  Now things are like I never imagined they could be.  He went from regularly screaming that I am a bad mother (yes, in front of the children!), to actually listening to and doing things I want for the children, and even modifying his behaviors.  I never in a million years, imagined this!  We still have a long way to go, but it really, really works!

The first time I was confronted with this type of advice, codependent me thought it sounded crazy and would never work!  But I realized what I was doing wasn't working and figured things couldn't get any worse, so I gave it a try.  It is life changing!

Keep posting and take control of you :^)

[Suzn]

I'm glad that I'm a survivor, but one day, I'd like to live.

This is a choice. Choose it. Sounds simple put this way doesn't it? Well it is, and it isn't. purekalm you live in a constant state of survival mode from what you've written, that's a hard place to be. Emotions always running high even if they are only on the inside. You have been the fierce protector and always on guard for yourself and your son for a long time.  

when I'm angry I don't want help, I want immediate change to alleviate the pain.

I get it. Anger is easier than pain. It was go to emotion most of my life too. Your childhood was the same as in constant survival mode. So you have triggers just like your husband does. Maybe not the same but they exist and when we have a childhood where we were in constant survival mode our reactions when we are triggered are ingrained, they are hard to change but we can work on them. Getting our emotional side under control is our first goal because we can't think straight, with a mix of emotion and logic, when we ourselves are triggered.

This is where mindfulness can be a real lifesaver. (You mentioned how this was affecting you physically.)

TOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind

Along with this workshop as an initial explanation I'd like to share how I and many others have practiced mindfulness. This is a deliberate action on our part, stop what your thinking and doing right this minute and take a look around the room where you are right now. Notice things in the room, notice how your body feels against the chair your sitting in, the pictures on the walls, your breathing, the smells in the room... .slow down your breathing and sit with what you experience, slow everything down in this moment. Are you ok, do have everything you need in this moment? Practice doing this many times in a day and you are practicing mindfulness. It's a nice experience when we do this outside too, close your eyes, listen to the wind, breath deeply. You are being and living in the here and right now. The past is the past and we can't change it. We will never forget but we can build on our here and now going forward.

I'm trying to take a step back again. With my current health issues, school starting soon and severe lack of sleep recently, it's harder to stay focused. Without him, I was pretty energetic and always trying to smile, have fun

Good. Taking care of ourselves is very important. Severe lack of sleep=more extreme emotions. Hard to regulate our emotions and center. It's good to visualize often who we were before. Set the course back to you.

From what I was told at my old church people actually wanted to friends but I was so messed up in my situation I didn't want anyone to get close and see my pain. I learned a long time ago most people can't handle the crazy situations, even for a friend, unless they are extremely caring or survived a crazy situation of their own.

You're right, it's hard for people on the outside to understand what we are dealing with at home. I've found it's best not to share too much in that regard with friends and to instead come here to my support group and work on these issues with my therapist. Your group and T are where you unload and start the work. Have you considered a therapist of your own, I see you mentioned one in the past. As you know they can be very helpful as we try to move forward.

With friends, for a while it may be good to only have short visits with friends, a visit to the coffee shop or out to dinner discussing current events or something new you've decided to try such as yoga. Having just one or two friends to start with is enough when we are at the beginning of recovery. We do want to get out occasionally for our own well being. If you don't have any friends, look around for opportunities to reach out, you mention you are starting school soon, start with just one friend. The goal is not to unload all our troubles but instead to enjoy a moment away from our troubles. It takes practice not to let ourselves say too much too soon with a friend.

I wanted to ask what is your current living situation with your husband? I know you mentioned you live with your parents, does he live there too and how is this working out? If not how often do you see him? With the events you shared about your parents in the past does this have an effect on the now?

As a side note. Most of the workshops here are several pages long and some include other links to videos and other workshops. It's good as you read through to click on those too. Reading through other member threads and asking questions helps too.

[purekalm]

Hey all and thank you for responding!

Waverider, Yes, I guess I am choosing to stay in this relationship. I DO want it to work, I just don't really see how anymore. He still gets very angry, but he's mostly just extremely whiny and avoids me, doesn't explain what he wants, just gets furious. But, after posting on here, it's made it easier to let his mood bounce off me! He huffs and puffs because he really hates it when I'm happy and don't give in.

That's a good question. What am I getting out of this relationship right now besides all the negative?    ... .Um, I honestly can't think of what the pay off for me is right now, except knowing that while we're still together I can protect my son from his moods and crazy behavior. I'll have to think a little longer on that one... .

LllMe,  I went to preview my post and accidentally refreshed the page last night!   I feel ya,   

I go back and forth with accepting how he is. I know all of us have flaws, but I also know there are ways of healing from our destructive behaviors and I think that's why I'm like a pendulum with acceptance. I KNOW there are certain things that will never change, but I know there are things that can, so it's like how can I accept all of it when I know that some things just aren't permanent? That's what has been hard.

It IS hard to emotionally distance yourself from someone that you're supposed to be intimately connected with! But at the same time, I've been doing that little by little every day because of the pain he causes if I take it personally. So, I'm working on it. Yeah, I did used to get sulky at first, but I would be my own Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde because I'd being playing or nice to my son and as soon as my husband came around or acted like everything was all good I'd give him the evil eye or snap at him, tell him he was being selfish, etc.  (shakes head) BUT, thank goodness that was just too plain hard to do and now I sometimes have to ignore him. It's not like he does much with us anyways, so that makes it easier. I mean, yesterday he got some money for a side job helping someone at church and said he wanted to do something fun for our son... .go to a store. ROTFLMBO! (my censored version, butt instead of *ss) He seriously thought a place that STRESSES my son out sometimes to be a fun place to take a six year old, so out of touch. I used to ignore and be in a good mood, do my thing, but then he'd act like nothing was wrong at all! Eventually I'd cave and get mad and he would tell me... .where's this coming from I thought everything was fine til now? WHAT? So, I got depressed back when I was still codependent, but I'm not worried about that now. The slowly detaching has helped me be able to say, yeah, if I have to, choose to, I can do this on my own. (Well, need help for kidsitting for my son, but I think you know what I mean. I don't NEED him anymore, I WANT him, but am willing to let him go to figure his stuff out.)

Suzn, To be honest, when you're practically emotionless, it's all good, anger or apathy is all you feel. It's when I opened those floodgates back up a little at a time that I started having difficulty again. Thanks to my own awareness of myself and my counselor, a phrase my old pastor used to say, I've come a long way. "Think about what you're thinking about". Now, this wasn't that hard as I kind of lived in my head and had more difficulty "living in the moment". But, what my counselor had me try was taking deep breaths no matter where I am to take myself out of that angry or messed up mindset. Especially after I have identified triggers and paid attention to my physical signs. The last I was completely unaware of. But, now I realize to pay attention.

My blood pressure starts to rise, my chest will hurt, I clench my fists, I get silent, my breathing quickens. So, what I do, which I admittedly don't do every time, is unclench my fists, take slow deep breaths, close my eyes if I can and start to talk to myself about why I'm getting angry in the first place. Perfect example was the other morning. Right now, my husband, son and I share a king sized bed, but my son is so tall it's becoming impossible for all three of us to sleep there. (We actually share the whole room, but trying to get the money to get a bigger place for him to have his own bed and room.) So, I ended up on the loveseat that morning, and my husband, when he got up for work, went to wake me up to sleep on the bed, which isn't normal for him, but only said it one time, I was barely awake, and I passed right back out for a couple minutes. He walked away and proceeded to finish getting ready and left. Heh, by that time I was literally fuming, because he never shows enough care or concern in the first place, and he's slept there too so he knows how uncomfortable it is.

BUT, I instantly checked myself and said, wait a minute purekalm, why are you so upset? Because he doesn't care about me, he didn't even come back to make sure I got up before he left! Does he normally even attempt to wake you up? No. Shouldn't you be grateful he at least tried once? Yeah but, he... .Does he generally show you care and concern? No. Then what are you mad about? If he doesn't generally show concern, yet you expect him to, who is the one with an unreasonable expectation? Sigh.  So, after that I wasn't upset anymore, because I talked myself through the root of the problem and was able to accept that this is just the way he is right now and I can either dwell on it, or let it get to me. I chose the former, I've had enough stress! 

While that is true, what's the point of having a friend if they're only fairweather? That's why I don't have any currently, because I'd rather have one or two actual friends than a bunch of acquaintances. My personal opinion. But still, not to unload my life on them right away anyways, that could be topics for later discussion. But, eh, we'll see if I ever have any. You guys are good enough for me right now while I'm trying to get myself back together, and I thank you! Someone who understands is way better than a perfunctory pat on the back.

Currently, me, my son, husband, mom, dad and brother live together. It's not easy, that's why I have so much trouble because he's constantly around and it's hard to take his attitude ALL the time. If we lived apart, it would a lot quicker healing process not having to stand on guard.

Concerning my parents, nobody would believe the people they used to be, they have toned down QUITE a bit. Both have a heart condition and many other illnesses. With my dad continuing to injure himself through self medication, I don't know how much longer he has. I was able to deal with all the pain I was dealt. We used to live by a river and I would go down there almost every day. Eventually, I started opening up and singing, screaming, yelling, crying, and then audibly confessing all my pain to God and myself and asking for help at around 21-22 years old. It was all an uphill battle from there on, but I let go of everything. And to be frank, when I was a teenager I wanted my parents to drop dead or disappear. I hated my dad for causing the majority of the trouble and my mom for always promising to rescue us and never doing it. Thanks to God I was able to see them in a different way, hurting people without the tools to help them cope and unable because of societal pressure to go ask for it. Now, I couldn't always see them in this light, it was hard, I felt justified with my resentment and anger, BUT I did work through it and now don't feel pain from the past and don't hold it against them. Unfortunately, my mom was the main physical abuser with my dad always gone, so since she hasn't dealt with it all, she's extremely sensitive to the past. I try to only bring up good memories anymore, no matter how few.

And, I will definitely keep reading and watching the videos. I do want to learn more, and thrive and not just sit here and complain and be like, I want my life to change by itself and reap the benefits.  It'd be nice, but not great. You'd end up right back in the same patterns for not fixing you. Fighting off depression has been especially difficult lately, but I'm aware of when it attacks, or when it's coming, and the extremely heavy darkness that tries to engulf me. Having hope, reading your responses, trying to make goals for the future, they are all things that have helped keep me above the dark waters, so I sincerely thank you all for your support and constructive criticism.