Family crisis

[Beach_Babe]

 These few weeks have been kinda tough. I found out my aunt has terminal cancer, and the whole family has disowned me. I have become the kicking post of anger for my aunt and my personality disordered parents.  My aunt, who is not personality disordered and was always like a mother to me... .she now refuses to see me if I come visit and I have been banned from contact. I have, additionally, been disinherited in her will. I am heartbroken, my aunt meant so much to me; hence I am reminded once again i have no one who cares and no family. Its made me want to reach out to my ex, but so far have resisted. Yesterday my ex's friend (i.e: the one who was triangulated when we were speaking) called me yesterday. I took the call, and he hung up and never called back. No idea if my ex was involved.

I know, I know I am probably reaching out for the wrong reasons. But damn life is so short, it really does bother me things had to end with so much hate. I dont see how no/bad response could really hurt me anymore than what is going on with my aunt... .what is there to lose?  

[Learning_curve74]

Beach, I'm so sorry to hear all the troubles you're going through now. It must especially hurt to be cut off from your aunt who you care for so deeply. Hugs to you... . 

I don't know your back story, but would it be appropriate to send your aunt a card telling her how much you love her? If she was offended by anything you did, you could also add that you're sorry without including any justification or excuses (these tend to sound like non-apologies, i.e. I'm sorry, but not really because I have a good reason for what I did).

As far as your question about reaching out, are you thinking of reaching out to the person who called you and hung up or to your ex? What are you wanting or expecting out of this?

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Beach_Babe,

I am sorry that you are going through all this at once. It seems like when it rains, it pours. I understand how it can feel completely overwhelming and heartbreaking.  

When you are going through your darkest times, I can understand the feeling of having no one. It is really difficult when you have a family that is disordered themselves. I can relate, I have a lot of NPD family members and during my toughest times, it was like they were not there for me and treated me as the scapegoat. The best thing that I could do for myself was to distance myself a little bit from my family in order to protect myself.  I was far to vulnerable at the time to be able to interact with them.  :)o you think that some distance and space may help you?

What is the reason your Aunt is not speaking to you?  :)o you think that she may be projecting her anger about her cancer on to you?

I know how difficult it is to separate the behavior from another and not take it personal.  Someone else's perception of you does not define your self-worth.  

I can understand why you would want to reach out to your ex. It is bothersome to end things not amicably or with hate. Keep in mind, the way that he ended the relationship is out of your control. He decided to end it the way he did.  The only thing that you can control is loving and taking care of yourself.  

[Mutt]

Hi Beach_Babe

I'm sorry to hear this  I can see how heartbreaking this would be if your aunt was like a mother to you, you likely didn't get the same support and love from your personality disordered parents?

the whole family has disowned me.

Did your personality disordered parents have something to do with her anger?

[Beach_Babe]

Learning curve: I suppose I could send a card. My npd/BPD parents may intercept it though. I thought about contacting my BPDex.

EaglesJuju: thank you for the support. My parents have convinced my aunt (in her vulnerable state) that I am in the way. All parties are also taking their anger out on me


Mutt: my parents got me removed from the will, so they can take my portion.

[Beach_Babe]

I really miss my ex today. He was always a support in times like this. I wonder why his friend called me. My ex's mother is dying too, and I hope she is OK

[Beach_Babe]

I don't have the guts to reach out. I know I'm not good enough and he left me for a reason.

[Beach_Babe]

I don't even know why I'm even posting. I probably don't belong here either.

[valet]

Hey Beach, I'm terribly sorry.

I feel for you. That's a whole lot to handle in such a small period of time. It's painful to feel like no one cares, especially when they are your family.

I understand how overwhelming it can be. I'll be listening.

[Mutt]

I don't even know why I'm even posting. I probably don't belong here either.

I understand. EaglesJuJu mentioned the family scapegoat, I can relate with that because I'm a scapegoat. I'm sure that members can relate. We're family here, it helps to talk to people that can relate with how this feels.

[EaglesJuju]

I don't have the guts to reach out. I know I'm not good enough and he left me for a reason.

Have you thought about this a different way?  Perhaps the reason why you are not reaching out, because instinctually something is telling you not to?

The way these relationships end, it can wreak havoc on your self-esteem and self-worth.  I can completely understand why you would feel as if you were not good enough.  

To an  undiagnosed person who suffers from NPD, no one is good enough or will ever be good enough. As a matter of fact, they believe that they are not good enough for themselves. The grandiosity and indifference is just a mask that hides a pwNPD's inner self-loathing and fear of rejection. They have  a bottomless void that will never get filled no matter what you do. The only way this void ever gets filled is for them to face the abandonment depression and work on their real self.  

My psychologist gave me a fantastic analogy with a relationship with someone who fits the classic NPD criteria.  PwNPD will choose the biggest and brightest birds.  They choose them for their exceptional qualities.  These birds were meant to soar and rise above.   As they are loved for their qualities, because it makes the pwNPD able to feel good about himself/herself (narcissistic mirroring), they begin to start to envy and resent the bird.  The bird certainly cannot be better than them and if it is, that means that the pwNPD is not as "special" or "important." They fear that the bird will fly away from them and go somewhere else. So what does the pwNPD do?  They start attacking the bird (devaluation) and eventually put it in a cage. After awhile, the bird's feathers lose their color. A little while later, the bird cannot fly. The pwNPD yells at the bird for not having bright feathers and losing the ability to fly. Finally the bird can no longer sing. After being kept in a cage for so long, the bird dies.  The pwNPD becomes enraged that the bird died, he blames the bird for it's eventual death taking no responsibility for his/her part.  

[Beach_Babe]

I understand how overwhelming it can be. I'll be listening.

Thank you  . How have things been going with your ex?


Mutt: Thank you as well. I guess I realize someone with a personality disorder can't really soothe me. It's likely if I reached out my ex wouldn't even care. I do miss him, I can't believe it's been 4 months NC. Maybe I want validation from somewhere I am not a "bad" person. My aunt was the only source of unconditional love (aside from my grandfather, who has passed).

EaglesJuju:  the bird analogy sounds about right. I want to believe I was worth something.

[Beach_Babe]

Not a peep from ex but his friend does make bizarre occasional contact (the last time it was to send me pictures of a location where ex and I got Into  a fender bender 8 years ago). Not sure why he does this? Could my ex be involved?

[Mutt]

My family is dysfunctional and I was treated differently. My dad and my siblings often blamed me ( scapegoat ) I believed that there was something wrong with me. I know now I am a good person because my families feelings and insecurities are their own. I'm sorry your family put you through this

[Beach_Babe]

Thank you for the kind words. We're they personality disordered?

[Mutt]

My father NPD traits , one sibling codependent traits, the other sibling codependent with narcissistic traits.

[Beach_Babe]

My entire family turned on me. I have to pinch myself to believe it.

Why do I think reaching out to a BPD ex (who dumped me in the most vile way possible) will make it better ?  I think I just feel so alone and desperate I'm reaching for relief.

I have blocked my parents. Sadly I may have to go LC  with aunt as well.

[Kwamina]

Hi Beach_Babe

You are already dealing with a lot since the breakup with your BPD ex. The way your parents are treating you unfortunately only makes things harder for you. I am very sorry that you are dealing with all of this. many of our members, including me, know how difficult it is to have disordered parents. they are projecting their own inner negativity, insecurities and turmoil onto you. Their behaviors don't say anything about who you truly are at all. But that of course doesn't stop it from hurting when your own family treats you this way. But by repeating to yourself that their behavior really isn't about you, but about them and their disordered minds, hopefully will make it easier for you not to take their behavior that personally anymore. Easier said than done of course, I realize that. But I do believe that by repeating these things to yourself, it can get easier for you to deal with all of this.

Why do I think reaching out to a BPD ex (who dumped me in the most vile way possible) will make it better ?  I think I just feel so alone and desperate I'm reaching for relief.

Considering the way your family is treating you, I totally get your desire to reach out to someone and not be alone. However, knowing what you know about your ex, I think you too would agree that he isn't the most healthy person to reach out to. This isn't a pleasant reality to accept, but it unfortunately does seem to be the reality when it comes to your ex. He didn't treat you right at all.

I have blocked my parents. Sadly I may have to go LC  with aunt as well.

To protect yourself, to protect your own well-being it is sometimes necessary to take drastic steps. It's sad that going LC with your aunt is something that might also be necessary to protect yourself, but if she isn't willing to treat you right, this might be what you need to do. You don't have to accept abuse from anyone. Your family might think they have the right to abuse you in their disordered minds, but in reality they don't Beach_Babe. They don't have the right to abuse you at all and are wrong for doing so.

No matter what your parents have said to your aunt, she is still an adult herself and responsible for her own choices and behavior. She might not have a PD herself, but still, if she chooses to just believe what your parents say about you without verifying the validity of their statements, this also says a great deal about her.

I am glad that you are reaching out for support here Beach_Babe. Many of our members here know what it's like to have disordered family-members and will definitely be able to relate to your story.

[EaglesJuju]

Why do I think reaching out to a BPD ex (who dumped me in the most vile way possible) will make it better ?  I think I just feel so alone and desperate I'm reaching for relief.

I would wager that you think reaching out to your ex will make it better, because in the past he was able to make you feel better. There is some attribute or quality that he has, which you find to be soothing or protective.

I can imagine that anyone going through multiple difficult situations would feel alone and want relief.    

EaglesJuju:  the bird analogy sounds about right. I want to believe I was worth something.

I struggle with this myself. The origin of my feelings of not being good enough stem from my family.  I would always look to them to provide some type of validation that I was worth something. I would blame myself for their behavior, because I was constantly told that everything was always my fault. When I took responsibility for their behavior and appeased them, they would give me the validation that I desperately needed.  As quickly as they gave me validation, they were just as swift to take it away when I was not compliant or obsequious. This behavior can really destroy your self-worth and self-esteem.  As a result, I was both the scapegoat and helper of my family.  Short me of me giving my entire self, nothing I ever did was good enough to prove my worth. In my mind, I believed that all of my self-worth was a result of their perceptions of me. I was setting myself up for failure relying on family members with NPD traits.  I was so used to this behavior, I would constantly view myself as not good enough, while they were better than me. I thought of their behavior as normal, which it was far from.

[Proboscidea]

I'm sorry for all this.

Unfortunately, if you are the family scapegoat they will say to each other and even to outsiders that it is you who are sick as proven by how you are the one nobody likes. That was and is what my family says and truly things. Stay away from all of them send your aunt a card in good faith then let go of the results. You meant well and nobody has .to acknowledge that'd except you.

I am so glad to be done with them all (my so called family). They write about me on Facebook all the time. I can't stand them. I am now free of their hate.

[Beach_Babe]

Kwamina: Thank you for acknowledging the abuse. My family treats me like I am a 5 year old child always in the way. I am also denied any right to my feelings. I cant take it anymore; tired of being labeled sick and crazy.

EaglesJuJu: how true what you say. I was raised to believe I had to earn my parents approval. My ex reminds me of them in many ways. I guess at the end I wasn't sufficient for him either and that's why  he left.

Proboscidea: Thank you for the suģgestion... .sending a card sounds like a great idea. I sadly think I have to walk away from the rest of this, however. How long did it take you to also draw that conclusion?

[Mutt]

Hi Beach_Babe,

How are your friends with support?

[Beach_Babe]

I really don't have many to tell you the truth. Just acquaintances. Of those i do have, no one wants to hear it.

[Kwamina]

I really don't have many to tell you the truth. Just acquaintances. Of those i do have, no one wants to hear it.

Luckily you do have us here for you Beach_Babe! We are here to listen to you and offer support and advice whenever we can.

Since you've had a rocky childhood with your parents, I think it might be good for you to take a look at the Survivors' Guide for Adults who suffered childhood abuse, you can find it in the right-side margin of this board. The guide takes you from survivor to thriver through three major stages:

1. Remembering

2. Mourning

3. Healing

Each stage consists of seven steps. When you look at the Survivor's Guide, where do you feel you are now? Which steps or areas do you find yourself working on or would you perhaps like to work on? Are there any particular areas listed that you currently find yourself struggling with?

[Pina colada]

Beach_Babe I hope things will turn around for you.  I also want to mention that for me, and my BPD relative,I needed to stop focusing on her behavior which I can not control.  I can control myself and the survival guide has got me rethinking my life and is helping me take ownership of what I can control.  I hope when you are ready, you try it as well!  I am sorry about your aunt and for your family troubles... .

[Leaving]

This really stinks/sucks and hurts me just reading about what they are doing to you.  Same thing happened to me.  I have no family now and I'm all alone.  I hate it and I hate thinking about what my own mother did to me and my inheritance, etc...   But, despite the agony of all this, I hope you will find some way to count your blessings and move on to create your own life and find better people to become your family.  I know they are your family but we got dealt a bad hand when it comes to family and there isn't anything we can do about it unless you want to participate in their madness.  I don't think you do.

Please don't allow them to steal your good character. I know it's hard to reach out under these circumstances.  Gosh, I know it all too well!  Send the card and if it gets intercepted, so be it.  The person responsible will have to live with that knowledge and the consequences of their actions but at least you did the right thing.  I know it's hard to imagine that you follow your heart and that you are still painted black but the choices you make in life are between you and your maker, not between you and them.  So, you do what you would normally do and leave it at that.

Be strong and follow your heart.

[Mutt]

Hi Beach_Babe,

I'd like to echo Kwamina and you have us here  You're not alone.

How are things?