Really Really Angry

[Herodias]

I told my Husband to leave me alone or I would contact his gf and tell her everything about him that he doesn't want her to know... .he is still threatening me at 2:30 am! Do I follow through?

[FannyB]

Ooh that's a tough one! Do nothing and look like the Queen of Empty Threats, follow through and risk incurring his wrath (and pwBPD can be pretty vengeful if full of self-righteous indignation)!

How far is he likely to push things if provoked? He seems pretty bad now, so do you have anything to lose by calling him out?

[LonelyChild]

I told my Husband to leave me alone or I would contact his gf and tell her everything about him that he doesn't want her to know... .he is still threatening me at 2:30 am! Do I follow through?

Follow through and tell her, but do it without anger. You need to tell her because she needs to know the truth, not as a way of hurting your husband. She has the right to know the truth, it has nothing to do with anger, threats or your husband's behavior.

[rickdeckard]

I told my Husband to leave me alone or I would contact his gf and tell her everything about him that he doesn't want her to know... .he is still threatening me at 2:30 am! Do I follow through?

Hi, Herodias!

That is a terrible place to be . What is he threatening you with?

[zundertowz]

I told my Husband to leave me alone or I would contact his gf and tell her everything about him that he doesn't want her to know... .he is still threatening me at 2:30 am! Do I follow through?

Follow through and tell her, but do it without anger. You need to tell her because she needs to know the truth, not as a way of hurting your husband. She has the right to know the truth, it has nothing to do with anger, threats or your husband's behavior.

You can tell her but most likely you will come off looking like the crazy one and she wont believe you... .you have most likely already been smeared... .people just need to learn for themselves.  

[Mutt]

I told my Husband to leave me alone or I would contact his gf and tell her everything about him that he doesn't want her to know... .he is still threatening me at 2:30 am! Do I follow through?

I would feel upset and angry at 230 AM

If you tell his gf you may very well find yourself in a drama triangle.

[klacey3]

Sorry to hear about this... I hope you are less angry now.

What is it you would tell his girlfriend? Do you think the benefit will outweigh the cost?

[Pretty Woman]

Do you have children together?

Stop responding. Don't even say leave me alone. Do NOTHING.

A few weeks ago my ex went on a tirade. Not with me, another ex who had unfriended her on FB. I am friends with this ex... .probably the best thing to come out of all this. I am painted so black my ex has been dead silent to me.

Well she texted this ex 50 times. She did not reply to this, not even once.  Other friends said my ex continued to post on FB about this person defecting. She did this for days... .a 43yo woman! Then, then because this ex unfriended her and could not SEE the FB posts... .she texted her copies of them!

After about a week it stopped.

They handle things like a 3yo. All it is is a tantrum. Yes, you need to be on guard a bit but if you don't feed it, it will stop, something else will catch their fancy and they'll go away.


PW

[Pretty Woman]

And don't call the GF. Only makes you look crazy. She'll eventually figure it out that he has problems. Trust me.

[Sunfl0wer]

I told my Husband to leave me alone or I would contact his gf and tell her everything about him that he doesn't want her to know... .he is still threatening me at 2:30 am! Do I follow through?

I hope you are feeling safe now Herodias?

My belief in dealing with someone who is not in emotional control of themselves... .Is to first, find a way to deescalate.

It is not a time to make requests, challenge, threaten, or ask for insight or anything else for that matter.  Often when a person does not feel in emotional control of them self, they are just not capable of much of anything, their ability to reason is limited.

It may appear that giving the person a consequence for further ill behavior may help "manage" the situation, however, often anything similar serves to "fan" the fire... .and increase escalation.

The goal is to remove any "flammable" features, and/or... .remove yourself.

Your choice to tell, may be best reserved for thoughtful decision at a calm time, vs a consequence to deescalate his immediate behavior.

[Herodias]

  Thank you for all the advice! I guess I am "The Queen of Empty Threats"... .I do not want to be in a triangle, as that is what I am trying to get out of. My friends all advised me because of his anger to stay out of it. That because she cheated on her husband with mine, that she deserves him... .that I will not feel any better for telling her. I am just so angry that he keeps calling and trying to keep me in his back pocket! For those who said I would look crazy, maybe... .but not sure. I like the idea of telling her as if I cared and not with anger... .I did tell her husband way back and asked him not to tell either of them.I told him I was afraid of him, but wanted someone on "her" side to know what he is just in case.  As far as I know he has not. I almost wished he would have talked to me about her, because as I said, I wonder if she has BPD or is just really immature. The dirt I have on him I have proof of and is Mother used to always remind me if I had asked her about him before I married him, I would have known better. I know the Mother would confirm what I say to her if she asked. I have pictures, texts and emails all proving what I would say. So since I am not going to tell her, please allow me to tell you... .

 He lied about going to war, he went through Marine bootcamp where he was next stationed in Hawaii. When you find this out he will claim he was raped, but his Mother said she does not believe that story either... .I will spare the details on that. But he started cutting himself and got himself out of the Military. Next he was a Heroin addict. He was a stock clerk when I met him... .he lied to me that he was sterile and I ended up pregnant and told me we had to hurry and get married so I could get myself and the baby on his insurance. He thought I was rich compared to him, so I think he was after my money in some ways. We married. I stayed with him even after we lost the baby, because marriage meant something to me. "For better or worse"... .I just didn't know how worse!I fixed all of his credit for starters... .then he became mean, held me in closets, started sexting with co workers, got blow jobs form another married co-worker at the store. I left him, but took him back. We bought a house, then it got worse. He spent tons of money, everything had to be the best you could buy. He took up lots of expensive sports, Golf, scuba diving(which he was mad at me for not doing with him, but he had threatened to cut my air supply  off under water in so may words, so I wouldn't dare), biking, rock climbing (he only went once) Hunting- bought a high powered rifle and a Cross bow (he would go out hunting with friend and would sit in a different location than his friends because he didn't want to kill the pretty deer), he had guns and knives- lots! He would play with them when he was drunk- he threatened me with the guns twice- the first time his friend bought them all from him to get them away from him... .but he got another one. April before last, after a horrible night, he threatened me with that one. He was put in jail and no one- not even his family would bail him out! Of course I was the one he was afraid of now, since I would dare put him in jail. He was always telling me "he had a plan for me"... .always trying to make me afraid. For some reason I took it all as just him trying to manipulate me, yet I told a few people if something happens to me look to him. I even took him back after that! His Mother was so afraid for me.  I found out he was having an affair with his current gf a year and a half ago. About the time after she was moved from his store due to her husband having her moved to get her away from him! I took him back because he was going to AA... .Of course He started drinking again. He already had a dui and a reckless driving charge. He is one that pees the bed when he drinks way too much- he did it in the beginning and he is doing it now- He did not do it for years in-between. He called it his "condition" He was put in the psyche ward at the VA after taking a ton of pills and diving in our pond in the back yard with the alligator at 2am. After that he brought one of the guys he met in there to the house at 1am while I was sleeping. I awoke to him walking around the house telling him how much everything cost- even came in the bedroom! I had to leave and go to work leaving them drunk in the back yard because the police said it's his house and I can't tell him who he can have over. So I left them drunk in the back yard playing golf... .I got a phone call from the police later than he had been cutting himself pretty badly this time and they took him to the VA, threw out the guy and locked my doors. I went home to blood everywhere... .This past Xmas I found yet another co worker(who is now friends with the current gf on fb) in my bed after he made me cry and I went to my sisters who refused to come over due to him. I called 911, got them both removed. He had been getting hotel rooms at night for weeks, I thought to do himself in, even had the police break into one of them. They wouldn't tell me if he was with anyone. He has 15K worth of debt all from hotel rooms, porn, liquor and misc. stuff, I am sure he is blaming on me. I cannot go on and on there is so much more like this you have no idea. His father called me a saint to deal with it. I took classes through NAMI to try and learn about BPD... .he only got more nervous about what I was learning. He would look at me with googley eyes and ask if he was a psychopath.  We would always talk about his mental problems, did lots of therapy, He has been in jail, he's a pathological liar, he has court on Friday for a narcotics charge... .he will probably get out of it, but who knows. I don't know how I endured all of this and more, but I don't see how he is acting like an angel now. Maybe I don't know about it, but I do know he has lied to me that they broke up and came over here for sex 3 times... .he keeps asking me for money since they are both broke. He used to call me fat and she is bigger than I ever was and looks like she has gained the 20 pounds I have lost since being away from him. He tried to get my help with his credit, but it was a lure to show up drunk at my place at 6am in which he threw up and peed in my bed twice! I borrowed his camera for the help. He is now threatening to call the police on me for stealing it from him. Luckily the local police know him well. He says he has a stalker- another woman who tried to friend me on FB. I think he is discrediting her, because I think it's her drugs he stole back in jan. since he said she is going to be at court. He also told her he is up for a promotion at work, but for the first time ever he did not even make the list- I have that paper as well. Too, too much to write after 8 years believe me... .but do you think this sounds like someone you would call the "man of your dreams" and want to marry and have kids with? I think not. I am glad to be finally free- I am just so angry, maybe more angry at myself, but how could he do all that to me and act like the nicest guy to her- but we know, they always start out well. I just know that they have now been together 8/9 months this second go around and I can't believe it is still going on... .I guess there are more suckers like me out there. My friends think he is capable of horrific things like we see in the news. His own Mother says she has no idea what he is capable of... .maybe his gf wouldn't believe me... .But I would think it's obvious I am glad to finally be out! If she chose to not believe me then so be it, but that's a pretty amazing story I made up then. Her cop roommate could look up allot of the info as well to prove it to be true. But I am keeping silent. I don't need him angry at me. I just want to be able to move on from my abuser and feel normal again. I am exhausted looking at all of this and it's only about a third of the horrific life I had with him- Mean of vacations... .everything. How is he being normal now? I guess I was trying to "control " him as he said... .she seems to back down and take blame. He has shown me the texts between them. I am sure she would love to know that as well... .I know- I do sound crazy... .I know... .I think they turn you that way- all the gas lighting and lies. Just awful. I never want to go back. I need to be done. As soon as I now the situation with court on Friday, I am going to block everything - that is my plan. He owes me alimony and has me on his life insurance and health insurance at work. If he goes to jail and loses his job, I need to know. After that... .I am done. I am sure I will hear anything important as his Mom said they will call me first since I am his wife until Jan. Thanks for enduring this... .Stay away from pwBPD or any other PD I believe. Not worth it- not worth the little bit of love-bombing you get. If there is love-bombing, I plan to run next time. No one says they love you when they first meet. Oh and the new gf said she knew the moment they met(both married) that he was the one for her... .    I hope she is a pwBPD too... .no one else deserves to endure either of them! She says she is into all of the same things he is into and flatters him all over FB as she did her husband- she did that up until Feb. when she left him and started in with my husband immediately after their split- I think she left him for my hb.  Her Dad is a serious crossbow hunter... .I would laugh if he ends up having to hunt  with him... .probably say he never has time, They all think he went to war and has PTSD  remember.

 

[Mutt]

Hi Herodias,

I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that  I don't think that you sound crazy, I can relate with that feeling. I felt alone and no one else understood what I was experiencing.

You sound like a compassionate woman by wanting to warn his girlfriend with what you went through. I understand how you'd want to be in her corner.

I recall when I first met my ex she was telling me about how terrible she was treated with all of her boyfriends, I felt angry, I wanted to protect her, she was a dream come true. I felt a deep connection with her, I felt like she was down to earth like I am, she felt perfect. If her boyfriends had approached me, I wouldn't have believed them. I say that from my personal experience and its not to say that you should take it, everyone on the boards has different experiences.

I had felt like warning my wife's boyfriend, I know that I would look like a persecutor to him with my ex wife's blaming and persecution complex. He likely would be similar to me 10 years ago, I wouldn't had listened. He rescued a married woman with kids, he had a choice to get involved with my wife and break-up a family or not get involved, he chose to be a savior. I'm not responsible for his choices.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

No. 

[rickdeckard]

No.  

This statement is elegant in its simplicity... .and a perfect summary of my feelings about the situation. Thank you ReclaimingMyLife... .

NO!

NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO TREAT ME THIS WAY!

NO!