Did you believe that your replacement succeeded?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

When I was replaced they both(BPD ex and new object) gave the impression that this RS was a success, so I started to doubt my self. He had made friends with her kids, it seemed ok at the surface. Maybe his personality and intelligence was the right match for her, and he could get something out of it?

I thought : maybe she tried a new secret formula based on less contact and more shallow connection, enabling her to hold her mask for a very long period? She is obsessed to have "in a relationship" as status at any cost and keep that prey in that rs by any means.

And he probable would keep along , since he got a good rs with the kids, and only would see her good sides, not meet her so often.

Do you think this is possible in the long run?

[borderdude]

When I was replaced they both(BPD ex and new object) gave the impression that this RS was a success, so I started to doubt my self. He had made friends with her kids, it seemed ok at the surface. Maybe his personality and intelligence was the right match for her, and he could get something out of it?

I thought : maybe she tried a new secret formula based on less contact and more shallow connection, enabling her to hold her mask for a very long period? She is obsessed to have "in a relationship" as status at any cost and keep that prey in that rs by any means.

And he probable would keep along , since he got a good rs with the kids, and only would see her good sides, not meet her so often.

Do you think this is possible in the long run?

[Schermarhorn]

The guy she was with seemed to have a massive whiteknight complex, but he broke it off with her.

I knew they were doomed when I saw patterns being repeated. But everything appeared perfect.

[Turkish]

Mine is thus far. He's 8 years younger than she, and 18 younger than me. Maybe that's more her emotional level, and it might likely last. She can't ever have kids with anyone else, and I think the kids kept us together longer than we should have been.

[Lostone1314]

my replacement is 12 years older than her @57 , obese & upper mid income wealthy... she is slim and attractive... last i looked ( dont anymore) they appeared happy together... im guessing his $$$ keeps her their as she said i wasnt worth the financial convinience... and her looks keeps him their... so long as he adores her 24/7 puts up with drunkeness ( and he will cause he drinks equally as much) she will stay... in any case they share mutual friends so she has little choice... if she cheats or abuses him her social network is toast.

so yeah they will stay together and likely marry very soon... to be honest i dont care but i do care that @50 im alone and single again and that the dream she sold me has been shattered...

[greenmonkey]

From what I can work out she has had two replacements - both of which have failed.

Both have been recycles - and both have had enough time out to clear their heads and look at her differently. Each have lasted approx 2-3 months no longer.

Maybe she is on replacement number 3 now - I have no idea.

Whatever happens the outcome will ultimately be the same and the patterns repeat, it is down to how much patience and abuse any one will put up with before they have had enough and can see through all the lies.

[Infern0]

My Replacement (who i replaced in kind ) came as a surprise to me but to be fair there were early warning signs that they were doomed and it didn't take long.

[Suspicious1]

I suspect that the traits a replacement would need in order to "succeed" in the relationship with my ex would be traits I would hate to have. I think, quite possibly, that I ought to be proud not to have those traits. For him to have been happy in our relationship, the things I would need (and subsequently what I imagine a replacement would need) would be:

- a strong need to be rescued, preferably to be in actual physical danger every couple of months or so, so that he could achieve the validation he needs by rescuing people and putting his MMA skills to the test.

- paradoxically, not to be too weak. Not to be a victim. To be able to find that fine line between being strong, but also in need of someone *stronger*.

- to have a real admiration and awe for his weight-lifting abilities. More so than if he did something that actually made a positive difference to the world.

- to be as interested and accepting of violence as he is. To be prepared to talk about it every day.

- to be clingy, but at the same time not engulf him

- to give up all sexual fantasies and preferences in order to absorb and reflect his own

- to make him feel the centre of his partner's world. "Visible" as he termed it.

- to give up one's own identity in order to entirely morph into a couple. To the point where any personal social media accounts would be swapped for a couples ones only (he even set up a couples Facebook account where we could merge as one person. I refused to delete my own one. He didn't like that).

- to start any interaction with any unknown man (particularly, but not restricted to, anyone sending messages online) with the phrase "I'm in a relationship with someone who I adore and who is the centre of my world and I'm not interested in anyone else". Even if that person hadn't expressed any interest at all in becoming romantically involved.

- to get married and have a baby

- to have the ability to guess his thoughts and feelings, even if they were in conflict with his stated thoughts and feelings (one of his favourite phrases was "don't listen to the words I use, listen to what I'm really trying to tell you).

So that is what his new partner is going to need in order for him to be happy. When I look at that list, I'm kind of glad I failed.

[balletomane]

He's been with my replacement for four months now. She's his flatmate.

I was his longest relationship by far. All the others lasted four months at most. (One lasted just two weeks before exploding.) If his previous patterns hold, his current relationship has either already ended or will end within the next couple of months.

I think it might last a bit longer as he is less suspicious when he's around someone the whole time, and living together might stave off his paranoia for a while. My estimate is on nine months at most. (And I feel a bit guilty because I want it to fail as proof that it wasn't just me - this woman is really lovely, and if it ends badly with her then I will know for sure that it couldn't have been me.)

[Pretty Woman]

Personally, I don't think any replacement succeeds. Succeeds at what? Securing a f'd up relationship?

People are different so some may not trigger the ex as badly as I apparently did. All I know is I am friends with three of her exes and we all experienced the same patterns, same push-pull... .everything. All three of us are completely different people with very different interests and personalities. I can't imagine the same patterns changing with the current one.

I think it comes down to who is complacent and who isn't. I was a total doormat, hence why we lasted 3yrs. The relationships before me were 6mo and a a year and a half. She also goes back to exes from years ago... .keeps tabs on pretty much everyone.

[zundertowz]

Personally, I don't think any replacement succeeds. Succeeds at what? Securing a f'd up relationship?

People are different so some may not trigger the ex as badly as I apparently did. All I know is I am friends with three of her exes and we all experienced the same patterns, same push-pull... .everything. All three of us are completely different people with very different interests and personalities. I can't imagine the same patterns changing with the current one.

I think it comes down to who is complacent and who isn't. I was a total doormat, hence why we lasted 3yrs. The relationships before me were 6mo and a a year and a half. She also goes back to exes from years ago... .keeps tabs on pretty much everyone.

As much as we would like to see these relationships blow up before our eyes in most cases it may take years and you also don't know the personality of the replacement... .No one will succeed it's just a matter of when the mask slips and how much the replacement is willing to take.

[Pretty Woman]

Mine's mask is already slipping... .she blew up Facebook for a week over people deleting her and not caring about her "feelings" and how happy she is with her new girlfriend.

If you are so happy why do you care if your Facebook friends are deleting you? None of these people are her real-life friends... .just her facade online.

[greenmonkey]

Mine's mask is already slipping... .she blew up Facebook for a week over people deleting her and not caring about her "feelings" and how happy she is with her new girlfriend.

If you are so happy why do you care if your Facebook friends are deleting you? None of these people are her real-life friends... .just her facade online.

Sounds familiar - my ex used add random Lesbians on her Facebook and make out they were her 'friends' - she would chat to them, make them feel sorry for her, use them and discard unless they saw the light before hand. She had no real friends at all. It was all a 'look at me' and I am 'mother of the year' type things - very very sad

[zundertowz]

Mines a bit more manipulative and calculating... .the mask stayed on for a long time only slipping off once and a while the first 2 years until it completely fell off in the 3rd. Her history says it takes three years for the crazy to let loose... .at the moment shes in complete 15 year old FB love bomb mode with all her "friends" egging her on. 37 year old women acting like teenagers.  By the time her relationship blows up I hope I don't even care.

[borderdude]

... .here whats happen:

he broke it up with her many times, but she sucked him back, usually every 1-2 weeks.

Then he broke it up , and she sucked him back and bought  "engagement rings" for both. In her mind they needed rings , that would help

off course not.

[ScotisGone74]

Do I believe my replacement succeeded? At what?     Maybe... .if you consider getting married within two months to someone that has severe mental problems and consistently lies a success, then yes I suppose he has succeeded.     Funny thing is I see him around town in her car all the time and she s never with him, I m guessing that poor guy will figure it out soon enough           

[apollotech]

Pretty Woman:

Personally, I don't think any replacement succeeds. Succeeds at what? Securing a f'd up relationship?

I think this ^^^^ is the question and the answer. Rather than accessing "success" based on longevity wouldn't it be better to make said assessment based on the "quality" of the relationship? The fact is, most of us could have stayed in these unhealthy relationships with these unhealthy people.

[borderdude]

I guess a better question would be : Did you doubt your own decision and thought you could have done it otherwise. ?

[GreenEyedMonster]

I guess a better question would be : Did you doubt your own decision and thought you could have done it otherwise. ?

I actually think I did pretty well under the circumstances.  I got pretty good at handling problems and talking to my exBPD without ruffling his feathers too much.  Lots of gentle conversations, hugs, and reassurance, and we could address most of the relationship problems.  However, all this time, I was only changing his behavior, not creating a deeper understanding of my boundaries and needs.  Sometimes your partner really does need to know that his actions hurt you, not just that it would make you happy if he did things another way.  That conversation could never happen, and it basically enabled his selfish thinking.

I put a lot of effort into making the relationship work without hurting him.  Frankly, I don't see anyone else pulling it off.  He effectively has zero mask, too, even from day one, so I doubt there will be a "replacement."

[Michelle27]

If succeeding is having her desires mirrored and him showering her with attention and him pretending to be something he's not to impress her, than yes.  I look back at the patterns of the beginning of our relationship and he's repeating them, right down to choosing a very overweight, submissive and low self esteem woman.  I'm so happy to be out of that rollercoaster that I don't even care beyond actually having sympathy for her.

[butterfly 27]

Hello 

I dont believe that the relationship of my ex BPD with my replacement will be succeeded, at the beginning may even be good but because it is the phase of idealization and also because she wants to make me feel jealous and show me what I'm losing and that my replaced is better than me and treats her well, now what next is the hell.

This will have no end, it is a vicious cycle. She keeps a "pattern" of relationships that what matters is her happiness, if the relationship escapes this "pattern" she acts as a victim "the drama queen", telling everyone that the person she is romantically involved treats her badly and a lot of things that are not true.

[Pretty Woman]

I should have said: Securing a F'd up relationship... .temporarily because they eventually replace you.

[Pretty Woman]

Michelle,

    YES! I had gastric sleeve surgery in December and lost over 80lbs.  She is now dating a 350 lb woman who is very self concious and insecure.

Easier target?

[Cleveland]

Personally, I don't think any replacement succeeds. Succeeds at what? Securing a f'd up relationship?

People are different so some may not trigger the ex as badly as I apparently did. All I know is I am friends with three of her exes and we all experienced the same patterns, same push-pull... .everything. All three of us are completely different people with very different interests and personalities. I can't imagine the same patterns changing with the current one.

I think it comes down to who is complacent and who isn't. I was a total doormat, hence why we lasted 3yrs. The relationships before me were 6mo and a a year and a half. She also goes back to exes from years ago... .keeps tabs on pretty much everyone.

As much as we would like to see these relationships blow up before our eyes in most cases it may take years and you also don't know the personality of the replacement... .No one will succeed it's just a matter of when the mask slips and how much the replacement is willing to take.

I don't know - my ex moved in with him in less than three months, engaged in less than four.  The wedding was planned for less than a year from when she and I broke up - Sept.  They just broke up two weeks ago.

Oddly, less than a week after he and I met (he had reached out to me via FB to meet because he would be my D's stepdad.  We never spoke about my ex, I was friendly - I did throw a couple passive aggressive remarks out but I don't think he caught them.  He mentioned that his ex wife and he have an amicable relationship and I said "that must be nice."  And he said something about us having to be the adults in the relationship for the kids' sake, and I said "that's all I have ever wanted from the beginning."

No real idea what brought it out - her family is shocked, well they were shocked she moved so quickly with him, but they never saw or heard about any problems.  But as I told her SIL - you were always shocked when I would tell you about a blow out argument she and I would have after a family gathering and everything appeared fine.  She put those outward "everything is great" signs on for everyone else, but alone... .different story.

[Learning_curve74]

I thought : maybe she tried a new secret formula based on less contact and more shallow connection, enabling her to hold her mask for a very long period? She is obsessed to have "in a relationship" as status at any cost and keep that prey in that rs by any means.

And he probable would keep along , since he got a good rs with the kids, and only would see her good sides, not meet her so often.

Do you think this is possible in the long run?

Is it possible? Maybe. So you're thinking maybe your replacement is somebody who will rarely see your ex, and have a very shallow relationship with her, therby staying in the relationship? Take him out and put yourself in his shoes. Is that the kind of relationship you want with your significant other?

When I was replaced they both(BPD ex and new object) gave the impression that this RS was a success, so I started to doubt my self. He had made friends with her kids, it seemed ok at the surface. Maybe his personality and intelligence was the right match for her, and he could get something out of it?

If by "success" you mean a continuing relationship without breaking up down the line, then if your replacement "succeeds" it'll be by having his own issues that keep him engaged in what is an unhealthy relationship.

Have you ever visited the staying board? That might help you better understand the challenges of a continuing BPD relationship.

[once removed]

my replacement lasted, if i recall, a good year longer or more than me. they broke up. i wouldnt call that a success. every relationship is different.

[cloudten]

I do not think they are capable of giving another relationship more than what they gave yours. So, no- I do not believe replacements actually "succeed".

I do think that the more shallow and less emotionally intimate, the longer it lasts.  Its when these people get close that they get even crazier. So even if things appear to be going well in their relationship, its probably because there is no actual substance to the relationship.

[Pretty Woman]

I agree with you, Cloud Ten:

The first two years were hell... .tons of break ups and push pull. Year three I was so distant emotionally... .likely out of self-preservation... .no fights... .nothing. I think we actually lasted long because I stopped giving a shyt. I was so drained and no longer the person I was coming into the relationship. I seemed to lose all joy and sense of myself. While we made it a year with no fights it really wasn't a relationship. She killed that in the first six months.

[zundertowz]

I agree with you, Cloud Ten:

The first two years were hell... .tons of break ups and push pull. Year three I was so distant emotionally... .likely out of self-preservation... .no fights... .nothing. I think we actually lasted long because I stopped giving a shyt. I was so drained and no longer the person I was coming into the relationship. I seemed to lose all joy and sense of myself. While we made it a year with no fights it really wasn't a relationship. She killed that in the first six months.

Mine was a bit different... .the less I cared or fought the more crazy and violent she would get... .so the fighting in the first few years seemed to be less and it showed her i cared... .by year three I checked out because of depression, anxiety, and being exhausted and thats when all hell broke loose.

[llor]

I sure hope my replacement succeeds.

She has been out of my hair since she meet him.

Seriously I'd pay the guy if I could get her off my back forever.

She has shown signs that she wants us to re-establish contact and I am trying to push her back gently (for now until the divorce goes in front of the judge) then I will be free.

I swear to god I'll go : "Judge has given a divorce certificate to Dobby. DOBBY IS FREEEEEE"!

[problemsolver]

I'm not sure ironically enough my exBPD has said things like "she can't mentally handle r/s" or "she's not well" but that didn't stop her from buzzing around guy to guy looking for attention literally a day after she "broke up" with me  and it won't stop her from jumping into another R/S or another mans bed... from what I understand , they just seem to forget about their symptoms when they meet a new partner, everything's new , fresh start , new beginnings , unaware of the childhood trauma , or BPD. She get's to be someone new... then a few months down the line something happens to trigger them and then they are reminded of BPD and perhaps they remember that they aren't suited for relationships etc etc or there head isn't in the right mind space to cope with real relationship conversations and problems ontop of pain that they already have ... .This is something I read from another psych forum from a girl with BPD ... So in all honesty ... The happiness may only be temporary you can only hide who you are for so long ... although in the grand scheme of things if you hide who you are for 6 or 7 months , then the BPD starts to kick in that's when people are generally already "hooked" and confused when this behavior starts happening. So from what I've read it's just a cycle , that will play over and over unless they make some major changes within them self or the "non" play's the game correctly and never really believes the idolization stage ... keeps his or her distance and takes what the BPD says with a grain of salt. In other words the replacement has to know what their up against before the r/s starts...