New and need advice

[treefrog]

Hello,

I'm new here, and I know I'm not going to get the abbreviations correct, so please bear with me.

I've been reading the tools, lessons and stories. So helpful to know there are others who will understand, and ways to heal and educate myself.

My 24 yr. old daughter was diagnosed with BPD and schiziod affective disorder 5 years ago. This came about after repeated hospitalizations for suicide attempts,  hallucinations etc. It was a relief to finally have a diagnosis. After years of therapy and false accusations... .finally it seemed we knew what we were dealing with and could figure out how to deal with it. Not quite that easy is it? After that were the group homes, jail,  in-patient phychiatric treatment, more hospitalizations,  court ordered anger management and dbt. As we were not living together there was a fragile peace... .I was able to use the tools I had gained along the way, through reading and therapy.

And then last December she begged me to let her come back home... .She felt so alone, just wanted to be with us, things would be different. I thought I was very clear about my boundaries and that this could be a chance for healing and growth between us. I had even written up a lease, with conditions regarding physical abuse and property damage, as these things had been issues in the past. I thought I had covered the bases. At first it was okay. Then in February I came home to the news that she had attempted suicide through overdose and had called 911. She had started new meds, and I so wanted to believe that was the reason for the attempt. She came back home, with the condition that I would control and monitor the meds, try to remove anything she could use to harm herself. ( As any of you who have been through this know, that is nearly impossible) She started new meds that seemed to be regulating her moods and was more invested in therapy and being in a good place.

And then within weeks she learned that she was pregnant. And decided to go off the meds... .During the first trimester she seemed more stable and focused then ever before. And again, I so wanted to believe... .could we finally have some joy and "normalicy"? You know, all the dreams you have for your childs life... .  and even (dare I say it) for my own. We met the father, and his family. He/they seemed lovely. He was afraid, but ready to take responsibility for the child (not my daughter). I don't know how much he knows of my daughters situation, but I believe he knew things were not right. She was busy spinning plans for marriage and how in love with him she was. (At the same time still seeing other men)

By the second trimester she was deep into disregulation. And the abuse cycle began... .(After reading some of the articles and threads here I do see that I have a part that I played in this). Three weeks ago it reached crisis stage. It was becoming more and more difficult for me to function at home or at work. I was shaking all the time, not sleeping, crying at the drop of a hat. But I thought I could do this for the sake of the child. When the emotional and verbal abuse was limited to me, I felt that I could take it, it if also meant that she would not go after others that I love. But that is not how it works... .

After being filmed crying and begging her to stop, my husband told her to leave. She screamed in my face that if I wanted her to leave,

"CALL THE POLICE, CALL THE POLICE, CALL THE POLICE, see if that will do you any good? I realized in that moment, that if I didn't follow through, the abuse would never end. When the police arrived and heard what was going on, we were informed that because of the lease, the only way to make her leave was to get an order of protection.  And... .I did.

To say that this is heartbreaking is such an understatement! I know that in doing this I have risked alienating her forever, and never knowing my grandchild. But I needed to survive.

And now the father of my grandchild has come to me asking for help... .This is where I really need advice! I do believe that inspite of the fact that he chose to have a "relationship" with my daughter, he has a right to feel safe. And while I do not want to cause any pain to my daughter, I want to do whats best for my grandchild. How do I do any of these things, without being disloyal to my daughter. In spite of all that has happened I love her deeply and hope some day we can have a healthier relationship.

Please help... .

Treefrog

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[js friend]

Hi treefrog,

I remember that feeling of wanting runaway and on the edge of bursting into tears at the slightest thing too when things were really bad at home for me too, but iam sure when things have calmed down things will get better for you too .

Please let me know if I have got this right.Is your question that your dd moved in with b/f and he feels unsafe. Is that correct? If he doesnt feel safe I would advise him to call the police if your dd is making threats to harm herself or others. Be careful of being triangulated in their r/s.Discussing your dd issues will only upset her further if she finds out and possibly alienate you from your grandchild. Im sure that your dd exbf has his suspicions but you are trying to keep the door open for communication with your dd so it is better not to go into to much detail with him.  In the past i shared with my dds b/f (gc daddy) that she had some emotional problems but I didnt go into much detail. Personally i find that the more I keep out of dds r/s and just focus on my gc the better it is for all of us.


When things have settled down I think you should establish some firm boundaries with your dd. When she comes back to visit she must know what is expected of her.Boundaries are there to protect us and our values.No way was I going to tolerate screaming, shouting and the disrespectful behaviour in my home that my dd was displaying and she decided to leave home at 17yo rather than follow these rules because my home was like a "prison" as she called it. She has since said that she thought she left home too young( I think it was a godsend now because I felt as though I was on the verge of a breakdown at the time)

Using yourself to deflect your dds abuse from others has obviously taken its toll on you and isnt practical in the longterm and it has made you ill.

It is time that you put yourself first and looked after yourself in every way you can. Your mind and physical health need to recover form all you have been through and you are about to become a grandma and that little baby will need you to be in the best health you can be.

[treefrog]

JS friend,

Thank you so much! It sounds like you have been where I have am, and it really helps to know that I am not alone! Great advice, and it is along the lines of what I was thinking. Right now I guess I'm pretty low and have felt like I couldn't trust my decisions. I am meeting him tomorrow evening, and I plan to tell him to contact the police if needed and to document threatening or abusive correspondences. I know too, that I do not need to get in another situation where I feel I need to protect someone... .triangulation. Aargh! So much room to get healthier.

Also, thank you for encouraging me to take some time to heal and regain strength.

treefrog

[thefixermom]

I hope he does follow your advice and document things. There may come a day when that will play a very important role in you and he having access, if not full custody, of the grandchild, should things continue to be destructive. Not the path everyone hopes for but it's good to be prepared. And do it before she gets the idea to create some false abuse story against you or him.

[treefrog]

Thanks fixermom.

I hate that I have to think that way. But I do. :'(