Help New and Trapped

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello,

I am new and here for some help because I find myself in a bad situation with a borderline mother.

I was in counseling for many years and told not to ever pursue a relationship with her again by several counselors, but after about five years of no face-to-face contact (interspersed with a few months where I tried to have phone contact but had to stop) I ended up coming to stay in the basement of my borderline mother's house for a summer.

My first child is due in 5 weeks and I am a student and on a limited budget, not married. I have a place to move in 2 weeks, but she had a lot of space and said she was interested in helping me save money and re-establishing a relationship before the baby was born.

Within the first 48 hours there were signs of trouble when she tried to kick me out because I mentioned I was thinking of driving to the Taco Bell to get some food. She went into a rage and said it wasn't her responsibility to take care of my hunger (who said it was?) and to get out of her house right away. She offered to throw a baby shower for me and it was a disaster. She became very abusive, I paid for much of it, and it was not enjoyable for me at all. She continues to harp on how much it cost her to buy paper plates for the event. 

When she overheard me having a conversation with my father (they are divorced) on the phone she once again threatened that I had to leave. She cursed me out in front of her friends and told me "I am your bleeping bleep mother don't ever bleeping contradict me." She is totally smothering, she doesn't like that I work (she does not work except for a few hours a week and lives off of social security).

She seems to think my unborn baby belongs to her and is very threatened by the baby's father, by my own father, by anyone who cares about the baby. It makes things worse that I am adopted and so now I am experiencing something she never got to. She has been extremely passive aggressive from belittling me to putting me in situations where I have no access to food or water for extended periods of time, to forcing me to go on long car rides where I throw up repeatedly and helping her move boxes of furniture.

I paid her money for the summer right when I got there, as much as I could afford, but I have agreed to most of her silly passive aggressive behavior because I was so scared of her blowing up and I figured it was worth keeping the peace.

Now that it is almost time for me to move, she said she wanted to give me a couch. I told her I obviously cannot move a couch being pregnant, might the next door neighbor help. She said no, it was too rude to even ask. I politely declined the couch because I cannot afford to pay several hundred dollars to hire someone to move it. She went explosive. She told me she hated me and all her friends do too, that I have been using her, that I owe her another thousand dollars for living there, that I had to pack all my stuff immediately and leave. She lives in an extremely isolated rural area 2 hours from the nearest city (and nearest relatives) and I am almost 9 months and cannot do all this lifting and packing alone. I told her it was not possible and she needed to wait until a friend came to help me move on the date we had already set.

It has been 5 days since then, she won't speak a word to me, she stomps around and throws things. I guess it sounds silly but I am so scared of her I am just living in the basement with no access to a kitchen, hiding out. It is very very uncomfortable and it does not seem healthy. I don't know what to do, I am scared of her and she has been physically violent several times in the past.

How do I deal with the situation?    

[jujubee17]

Hello,

I am new and here for some help because I find myself in a bad situation with a borderline mother.

I was in counseling for many years and told not to ever pursue a relationship with her again by several counselors, but after about five years of no face-to-face contact (interspersed with a few months where I tried to have phone contact but had to stop) I ended up coming to stay in the basement of my borderline mother's house for a summer.

My first child is due in 5 weeks and I am a student and on a limited budget, not married. I have a place to move in 2 weeks, but she had a lot of space and said she was interested in helping me save money and re-establishing a relationship before the baby was born.

Within the first 48 hours there were signs of trouble when she tried to kick me out because I mentioned I was thinking of driving to the Taco Bell to get some food. She went into a rage and said it wasn't her responsibility to take care of my hunger (who said it was?) and to get out of her house right away. She offered to throw a baby shower for me and it was a disaster. She became very abusive, I paid for much of it, and it was not enjoyable for me at all. She continues to harp on how much it cost her to buy paper plates for the event. 

When she overheard me having a conversation with my father (they are divorced) on the phone she once again threatened that I had to leave. She cursed me out in front of her friends and told me "I am your bleeping bleep mother don't ever bleeping contradict me." She is totally smothering, she doesn't like that I work (she does not work except for a few hours a week and lives off of social security).

She seems to think my unborn baby belongs to her and is very threatened by the baby's father, by my own father, by anyone who cares about the baby. It makes things worse that I am adopted and so now I am experiencing something she never got to. She has been extremely passive aggressive from belittling me to putting me in situations where I have no access to food or water for extended periods of time, to forcing me to go on long car rides where I throw up repeatedly and helping her move boxes of furniture.

I paid her money for the summer right when I got there, as much as I could afford, but I have agreed to most of her silly passive aggressive behavior because I was so scared of her blowing up and I figured it was worth keeping the peace.

Now that it is almost time for me to move, she said she wanted to give me a couch. I told her I obviously cannot move a couch being pregnant, might the next door neighbor help. She said no, it was too rude to even ask. I politely declined the couch because I cannot afford to pay several hundred dollars to hire someone to move it. She went explosive. She told me she hated me and all her friends do too, that I have been using her, that I owe her another thousand dollars for living there, that I had to pack all my stuff immediately and leave. She lives in an extremely isolated rural area 2 hours from the nearest city (and nearest relatives) and I am almost 9 months and cannot do all this lifting and packing alone. I told her it was not possible and she needed to wait until a friend came to help me move on the date we had already set.

It has been 5 days since then, she won't speak a word to me, she stomps around and throws things. I guess it sounds silly but I am so scared of her I am just living in the basement with no access to a kitchen, hiding out. It is very very uncomfortable and it does not seem healthy. I don't know what to do, I am scared of her and she has been physically violent several times in the past.

How do I deal with the situation?    

[Littlebean03]

Hi,  oh my gosh!  You poor thing!  Is there anywhere else for you to go?  You not only need to get out of there for your safety but your unborn baby!  ( I'm sure you've already thought of this).  As a mother of 4,  your kids safety needs to be your #1 priority.  What about your father? Or your baby's daddy?  Do you have any friends who could help you move out like yesterday? You not only need to get out of there because you don't feel safe but because you're being emotionally abused!  Your baby is feeling EXACTLY what you feel.  And the sooner you can get into a SAFE environment the better.  Is there a shelter near you for mother and children?  Do you go to church?  Could someone from there help? What about your college?  Maybe they'd have some resources for you.   

If you can't move out then I'd spend as little time at her house as possible. Limit your exposure.  And limit her exposure to you.  You said you were in a rural area. Is there a place you could walk to and stay for most of the day?

Motherhood is WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL,  FULFILLING  but stressful.  Right now, you are facing big changes in your life.  You need to escape from your mothers' abuse!  And possibly consider wether or not you want to expose your child to her!  It would be better to leave all your stuff behind and to feel safe than to keep stressing (walking on eggshells) and stressing your baby.  I wish I could hug you and help you move out like yesterday!   Congratulations on your first child! I hope you and your baby are healthy and your labor is short and easy!  And I hope you can find the help you are needing!  Good luck!