Need Help Communicating My Feelings

[kelti1972]

Hi:  Can anyone or does anyone have any ideas on how I can assert myself to my swBPD.  He was going to work and I had just cleaned out the pantry to make a shelf of my personal foods.  I asked him to look for just a second so I could show him which shelf was mine.  He rolled his eyes and took some time to answer and said " I am busy".  I left and went into the bedroom.  He left for work.  I felt really emotional about the incident.  It seems so trivial to make something out of it, but it triggered me.  Growing up my family didn't validate me and I felt so unimportant and ignored and disrespected, I still feel that way today with my family, who by the way is not in my life.  Anyway I don't want to carry these feelings around and I want to say something to my son.

He tells me I trigger and put my brother issues on him and project on him, so I don't want to set myself up to get yelled at about that. Is thsi where I would use DEARMAN?  I would describe saying, " Is this a good time to talk?  He might snap back and say what is this about?  I could say it is about some feelings I had yesterday and I do not want to have any resentment towards you, so I would like to express my feelings."  Is this a good time?I want to feel we have respect for each other and each others feelings.  I felt ignored yesterday when I asked you to look at the shelf of my personal foods.  He might say Mom you make something out of nothing.  I was going to work and didn't have time.  I want to say you little blank and you acted like a blank, but I won't.  I understand that you were going to work, I wouldn't have asked if it was something that would take time or make you late.  I know you are busy and get stressed.  I just need to feel I am important enough to take the time for.  When you do that, I feel like being more giving and cooperating with you, when you need things or help...   I don't know if that sounds good, need suggestions, am just learning this DEARMAN.  Thanks, Kelti

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[AVR1962]

Kelti, how old is your son? Why, if you don't mind me asking, do you have different shelves for your and his food?

To answer your question and open up to your son about your past and how you felt when he did not care about the food shelf, my personal opinion is not to open up and say these things and I will explain in a little bit why. Taking an assertive position is a better choice. Saying something like, "Son, I made a shelf for your food and one for mine. You'll see it next time you are in the fridg/cupboard/panty," tells him a direct statement without your emotional attachment. You see? The shelf might be important to you but it might not be to him. Unless this have been discussed previously he might be in bewilderment as to why the separate shelves, I don't know how this came about.

Now to address your desire for communication and understanding in connection to your past with your parents... .I was the same way with my children and it backfired much like I see in your post. Let me explain. I was the scapegoat to a narcissistic mother who expected me to please her and do only as my parents wished of me. They did not care what I wanted for my life and did not support anything that I did or wanted unless it was something they desired for me. My mother was very hateful and said some awful thing to me and about me to family members. She was quick to ignore anyone that made her mad, silence was her control. Sadly, about the only time you could talk to her was when she had been drinking and she had enough in her system that she was actually pleasant.

This was something I did not want for my children and I bent over backwards to communicate with them, to be open with them, to be available to them. My first husband (who I had 2 children with) left when our oldest was 6. knowing what I know now my ex had BPD with narcissistic traits. He had an affair and had left us for this other woman while still telling me to hold on. Rather than come clean to everyone he had to blame me for the affair and take the spotlight off himself. He then went to friends and family, and to our children and told them I had an affair, I had been doing drugs, that I left the kids at home and went to the bars. None of which I did. he even told his mom I tried to kill my oldest daughter and then she passed that on to my daughter. Talk about a mess. I asked my counselor what I should do as far as all the accusations. Here their father is telling our children these things and planting terrible thoughts in their heads. She told me I had to make it clear to them that I did not do these things but not to say anything bad about their dad and followed that advise.

The kids were put in this very hard spot where their father was trying to alienate me form them with his lies and his cunning manipulation and then he vanished for 2 years, had no contact, moved out of state with his lady friend who broke up with him. He then came back into my daughters' lives and after 2 years of yearning for her father my oldest was willing to listen to anything her father had to say for risk of losing him again. Trying to keep the communication lines open with my daughter was used against me as she would twist things up much like her dad would do and then spread whatever awful foul thing she could to whoever would listen. Too many times it was like my life was on the 5:00 news. I finally got tot the point where I told her nothing and did not talk to her about anyone.

Your son might not be like this but he also is not responsible for your past. Resolve the issues from your past without incorporating your son and you both will be happier.

[kelti1972]

Hi AVR1962:  Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my post.  I have a separate shelf, because I am on a diet and have certain healthy foods that are just for me. He understood that before, so it wasn't confussing.  I had just cleaned the pantry and made one shelf for my stuff.  I really like the direct approach, that is what I needed to hear.  Also about my past your are absolutely right I do not need to bring it up or expect him to take it on or even empathize with me. 

It is better when I shut about about most things to him.  Sometimes he sets up a scenario that I hook into and find myself trying to defend my past, but I do not need to react or respond when that happens.  Thank you again.  As far as your past I empathize and understand.  My Dad has many affairs, drank, blamed me, was silent.  Silence still is abusive to me, I hate it.  My stepmother was hateful and very jelous and so were my brothers and sisters, I felt like cinderella, .  Except they were not my stepbrothers or stepsister.  My little brother died with  my mom at childbirth and my two older sisters died before I came into the picture.  I am the youngest.  When I brought up possible sexual abuse by my father everyone in the family, except my older sister abandoned me.  My older sister died five years ago with  cancer and my brothers still do not talk to me, they feel I am mentally ill.  Oh well, it is what it is.  Kelti

[kelti1972]

P.S.  My son is 27 years old.

[AVR1962]

Kelti, the victims of sexual abuse will continue to be victimized as you have probably heard, it is sad but true. Abuse among my daughters and my stepsons has pretty much split my family also. I had a relationship with my stepsons and my inlaws up until we found out all this happened. Everyone formed an opinion and everyone took side in favor of their own blood. My daughters and I were accused of being liars, I was blamed for "allowing" such a horrible thing and condemned for not knowing. We still, 10 years after it came to our attention, do not know what exactly happened. No one seems willing to talk but all point blame and each see themselves as victims. I feel for what you have endured and do understand when you say that you feel your family thinks you are mentally ill. I feel the same from my own family. It has been enough at times that it makes me feel a bit off balance and I then have the rein myself in and look at what I have been thru and what I have endured. I have had to step away from people that cannot be part of my support.

Good luck with the diet. Sounds like you are on the right track with your son. Live life Kelti. Find what makes you happy and pursue those things that interest you. Focus on the good and let go of those things that don't serve you.

[kelti1972]

AVR1962:  Yes I do relate about continuing to treat you as a victim and visa versa, the perpatrators thinking they are the victims.  It is crazy.  I agree too about being around supportive people.  I have made that decison also.  You have great insight, thank u for sharing.  Kelti

[lbjnltx]

One of the most important aspects of validation is to validate oneself... .we don't have to wait around for validation from our BPD kids... .it could be a long wait.