Living with BPD sister, dealing with a smear campaign

[HippoDisco]

The shortened back story is that my family has always been hugely dysfunctional. None of us are perfect, some of us more, 'stable' than others. Both of my parents suffer from mental health problems, one with Bipolar Disorder and the other an unspecified, episodic psychotic illness (possibly also Bipolar). Both also, though un dx, have exhibited traits of personality disturbance (narcissism, emotional instability). Over the years, my dad has taken significant steps to improve, is medicated, sober, recognised his mistakes and learned from them.

I spent most of my teenage years very, very depressed and suffered serious issues with self-harm. I sought therapy for myself at 17 and since, things have only got better. At 24, I now like to think I lead a relaxed, drama-less life, separate from my family and with a loving partner. We have a nice home together.

A year ago, my mother moved back to her home country, leaving myself and my siblings to essentially fend for ourselves before we were really ready. At least, I was 23 and though not yet moved out, was making a life for myself. My brother, 21 was no longer at home but worst hit of all of this was my sister, who at 17, was forced into my care with her primary guardian moving 7000 miles across the globe.

Without question, I took on legal guardianship,  despite my dad only living 8 miles away. We lived together in a flat for a few months, before I moved in with my partner and she came along with me. Since, she has been financially supported by myself and him, fed, taxi'ed around, encouraged to live more healthily etc., just generally being parented by folk who are not her parents.

I was happy to do this, I love her and she's my sister and she also has had significant mental health issues. She needed my care and support, had been in and out of therapy and diagnosed with an attachment disorder as well as mentions of BPD. Things were all fine within the household - no serious arguments or tension - or so I thought.

We had been worried about her general behaviour, which includes waking up at 4pm and getting to sleep around 4-8am in the morning. Funny sleep patterns run in the family, only she would wake up and leave her room only to use the toilet or make food. Her room is a state. We encouraged her to get fresh air, to sit with us in the living room. To find a hobby. Maybe part-time work to help herself and us a little, as my partner does not earn a ridiculous income and I'm still struggling to find work. She lies in bed, all day every day, from wake up to sleep time. She landed a job waitressing and worked 3 shifts before quitting. "Too stressful".

After this, we left her to it. Stopped, 'nagging' as she called it, thought she wanted to figure things out herself. Still ferried her around, to her friends, to see my dad every weekend.

Every time I went to my dad's, he'd make strange, off-handed comments about my partner - sometimes jokingly, sometimes almost concerned. I thought nothing of it - he has a funny sense of humour and I thought it was just overprotective dad kicking in. Then, my brother moved back to the area in the last few days and had had long conversations with her. He sat me down last night and very seriously looked me in the eye,  "please be honest with me, you're my sister and I'm a bit worried, but are you OK?".

I had no idea what this meant. Turns out that sister, 18 next week, has painted my partner, who has been feeding, supporting and helping her in any way he can, as a controlling abuser to both my brother and my dad. Who knows how long she's been poisoning the well with my dad? My brother told me everything and seemed reassured when I explained that every situation she'd told him about she'd taken out of context, twisted, exaggerated and sometimes just all out frigging lied. She used to do this as a child and we assumed she'd  grow out of it - she hasn't.

I'm now very, very uncomfortable with her being under our roof. It's ungrateful, manipulative, toxic and quite frankly, we can't really afford to support her anyway, though we've been doing our best! We're financially very strained as he earns a very basic salary and I've applied for jobs left, right and centre but am still unemployed. We can't really afford this and we've only stayed afloat because my mother was sending me financial help intermittently. She is now no longer able to. My sister should be living with my father and really should have been since day one, but he has seemed very reluctant to take on the responsibility due to difficulties with his now wife.

I don't know what to do, how to vent or express my frustrations on this. I confided in her a lot, which was obviously a stupid mistake, because all the normal relationship niggles that my partner and I have ever had are now because he's some evil psychopath and controls me. Where can I go from here?

Sorry this is so long, but hello everyone and this is my story, I guess!

[Kwamina]

Hi HippoDisco

Thanks for sharing your story with us. The situation with your sister sounds very difficult and unpleasant. I can understand why you don't feel comfortable anymore living with her in one house. The things she said about your partner are quite unpleasant indeed. Have you confronted your sister about the things she told your brother and father?

To help you communicate with your sister, it might be helpful to take a look at some of the communication techniques described on this website. We have certain tools here specifically designed for interactions with someone with BPD, they can help you speak your truth and assert yourself. There is a tool called S.E.T. which stands for Support, Empathy and Truth. And also one called D.E.A.R.M.A.N. which stands for Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Mindfully (keep your focus), Appear (confident) and Negotiate. These communication techniques could also help you in your interactions with your father about him taking your sister in. I've selected some excerpts for you about these tools:

The S.E.T. communication pattern was developed by Jerold J. Kreisman, MD and Hal Straus for communication with a person with BPD (pwBPD). It consists of a 3 step sequence where first Support is signaled, then Empathy is demonstrated and in a third step Truth is offered.

Few tools are easier to learn as S.E.T. and are as effective in getting across to a pwBPD. Few tools are as universal in everyday life with anyone. It is sort of an walking-on-eggshell antidote.

D.E.A.R.M.A.N. - Marsha Linehan, MD published the DEARMAN in 1993 as part of her DBT training manual.

D.E.A.R.M.A.N. is used when you have an objective, you want something specific, such as to get more sleep, to have help with the chores, to affect a change or to say NO to a request. You want the other person to come away feeling good about you and not full of resentment. This preserves the relationship. You also want to protect or even enhance your self respect.

... .

The key to acquire the skill for DEARMAN lies NOT in following the letters. It lies in learning the underlying skills and practicing them well enough to then being able to steer a conversation through DEARMAN. When looking at DEARMAN it is clear that we are to express needs for change.

... .

DEARMAN is valuable skill that at its very core boils down to:

We have a right to ask for change - the other side may or may not agree, that is fine too.

When owning up to our requests, staying respectful and focused on what we want we improve our chances for affecting change.

Here are links to more information about these tools:

S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

COMMUNICATION: D.E.A.R.M.A.N. technique

Do you generally feel comfortable setting and enforcing boundaries with your sister?

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