Im Trying to just keep it together

[Joe199477]

IM 21 and I have Asbergers Syndrome and my girlfriend has BPD and im just trying to keep the relationship from falling apart .

Im told IM a liar  ,im boring at random sometimes ,im abusive im basically the cause to every fight we have .

I have to kiss her butt and tell her im the wrong one after each fight just to get her to forgive me because afterwards she hates me for a long time .

Its frustrating when you try to reason with her.

I just dont know what to do I try as much as I can to avoid a fight but it seems that it just is inevitable and now she thinks im "Trouble" and the cause of all her problems .

I dont want to give up on the relationship but she seems to be giving up on me because I just once looked in her phone and found shes texting some other guy and sending him pictures .

I dont think she wants it to be over either but with every conversation being one sided I cant communicate with her about are issues because she thinks im criticising her or putting her down but im just trying to point out the her that this isnt normal .

I tell her just to balance things out that my having asbergers is screwed up but it doesnt seem to help her listen without getting defensive so I can help her understand the symptoms of BPD .

Im tired of being blamed and im tired of walking on egg shells but I dont want this to end I dont want to give up on her .

Please help me understand how to work with her.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rockylove]

I'm so sorry you're in such a confusing mess.   :'(

The best advise I can give you is to read EVERYTHING you can~~beginning with the lessons and information listed on this site.  There are many books that are recommended reading listed here as well. 

BPD isn't a walk in the park for either of you and if you genuinely want to stay in this relationship, you'll have to do the work.  As the saying goes, before you can make anything better, you must stop making it worse. 

I sincerely wish you well and hope you'll find comfort in the wisdom of the people here and the lessons and tools as well.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Joe,

Welcome to the Boards. I also have asperger's syndrome and am in a relationship with someone with BPD. I can attest that this combination does bring additional challenges to the melting pot, but the techniques you will learn here can really help. I avoided trying the techniques for weeks because I was convinced that I wouldn't be able to master them, but I wish I had tried them much sooner. My advice would be to read the stuff on how to stop making things worse asap and learn how to use SET (sympathy, empathy, truth). You might find it beneficial to practice the technique on a friend or family member before you use it on your girl friend and ask that person to make suggestions on how you could adjust what you say and how you say it. Sometimes, those of us with AS make things much worse simply because we use the wrong tone of voice.

Good Luck

Lifewriter