Slow Learner..Only Took Me 29 Years To Find Out...

[silver f]

Hi All,

New member here.  I felt compelled to join this community for therapeutic reasons.

I was informed 3 weeks ago by the psychologist that I am seeing which was originally our attempted marriage counselor that my wife had BPD.  I had never heard of this disorder before.  After I was informed of this I started Studying diligently via the internet and reading books.  After learning quite a bit about this disorder in a short amount of time it left me with the feelings of Enlightenment and Heartbreak.  As I studied the BPD topic and read these book it was like... .WOW THIS HAS BEEN THE STORY OF MY ENTIRE MARRIED LIFE.  It was very sobering and a bit depressing that I had let this happen to me for the majority of my life.  But it also helped me feel better about myself in the way that I knew all along I was doing all that I could do to make things work and to give our 4 beautiful girls a balance throughout their growing up years.  When I realized that I could no longer help my wife with her BPD issues no matter how much love, affection, dedication and commitment I could provide it took all that type of pressure off of me. 

So now I find myself separated and contemplating divorce.  My intellect tells me that it is a no-brainer but my emotions on the other hand are fighting me on this decision.  I know that the only way that I will have a chance at peace and true happiness is if I divorce her.  And as bad as I have been treated at times all these years it is still so very painful.  I Love my Wife.  I have Loved her since the day I met her and I will always Love her.  We have 4 Beautiful Girls inside and out.  17, 21, 25 and 27.  In a way I am thankful I didn't find out about this disorder and get enlightened when they were young children.  They are very well balanced and even when their mother tries to get them involved in our issues since this separation they themselves have resisted getting involved with her attempting manipulations against me.  They too know their mother very well.  All our girls love their Mother & Father and their Mother & Father Love them and they know this and I am so thankful for that.  The 17 year old is still at home with her Mother and they are very close which is a great thing.  I'm sure she doesn't quite understand what and why this is happening to her parents and I'm sure she hear unfavorable things about me from her Mom.  I have always had the golden rule that the only thing I have told our children is that their Mother Loves them very much and I Love them very much.  The problems we are having are between us and have nothing to do with you terrific kids.  Unfortunately that golden rule is not reciprocated.

A little background:

I met my wife in southern Utah in 1986.  For me it was love at first sight.  She is a beautiful woman, had a good sense of humor and we had a wonderful time getting to know each other spending nearly every day together for about 3 months.  She was 28 and I was 25.  After 5 months we were married.  During our courtship she told me that she was LDS (Mormon).  I didn't know much about that having been raised pretty much non-denominational.  I did attend church to play in basketball church league when I was a kid.  So I never gave it much thought.  She seemed open and a little free spirited and we had a lot of fun.  I remember when she took me up to meet her parents though.  She was very anxious and tried to prepare me for what I was about to see I guess.  I tried to put her mind at ease by telling her that I'm not marrying her family, I'm marrying her and I'm not a prude so don't worry about it.  When I got there I was surprised.  There was the house she grew up in with 15 brothers and sisters.  It was about 6,000 sf of added on construction.  No walls, only studs.  Running water only in the kitchen sink.  You had to take a bucket of water up to the toilet and dump it in in order to flush it.  It was truly the most deplorable living conditions I had seen in my young life.  I could only imagine what it would have been like to grow up like that.

Anyway, after we were married I began to sense what I thought at the time were deep insecurity issues with my wife.  Knowing how she grew up it was understandable.  I guess I always thought that I could make her feel secure and give her the life she deserved and make up for the childhood that damaged her.  Throughout our marriage I made a conscious effort to try and reinforce her security by forgoing friendships, turning down invitation for events such as golfing, bs-ing with the guys over a beer and anything in general that would make her feel insecure which would end in her telling me that I didn't love her, I didn't care for her or the children, that I was a selfish ass and so on... .You probably know the rest.  This was my marriage.  I have been a devoted and faithful husband for 29 years and after all this time I made absolutely no headway or improvement to her security issues in spite of all my best efforts.  You name it.  Financial.  I own my own Construction Company and make a good living yet have always been in debt because I rarely said no.  Thank God I have been able to somewhat keep up but it has been a great source of stress for me over all these years.  Emotionally.  I have been enlightened and found out I have been emotionally abused for all these years and more recently actually physically abused a few time also.  It has been a roller coaster ride and I need to get on a flat upward course to find happiness.

The other factor in all of this was Religion.  I am a member of the LDS Church.  I joined the church shortly after we were married but was not to involved to much.  I have never been an organized religion person in the past and didn't really want to get involved at that time.  For the first 17 years of our marriage I was as I am today.  I believe in God and am compassionate toward others and honest in my dealings.  I treat other like I would like to be treated. Another Golden Rule.  After this 17 years I felt like I wanted to give the Church a try and felt good about it.  So I was involved in he church for Nine years.  I quit chewing my Copenhagen, cut out my few cups of coffee and refrained from having the occasional few beers from time to time.  Never have been a heavy drinker but do enjoy it when I do.  These are no no's in the LDS church to be a member in good standing which allows you to attend the temple.  After 1 year in the Church I was sealed to my Wife & Children for time and all eternity via our temple marriage.  It was a beautiful ceremony and one of the most touching moments in my life.  After about 8 years in the church I started to feel like a square peg in a round hole.  Shortly after that I started chewing again and still attending church.  I did not feel good about this and I also did not tell my wife.  I knew the firestorm I would create.  Eventually though she caught me about 4 months into it and all hell broke loose.  I know I should have been up front and told her at the time but can't remember if I was scared or just didn't want to disappoint her or both.  Anyway, That was my first step into telling her and feeling like I have the right to feel the way I feel and do the things that I like to do.  This was about 2 years ago and now I find myself fighting my own emotions for my independence from the control, manipulations, false accusations & assertions, mental and physical abuse and threats I have been dealing with for years.  I would like to mention because I brought up the LDS Religion and she has constantly pummeled me with it (especially the last 2 years) that I believe that the LDS Religion is a good family oriented religion with so many giving and wonderful people and leaders in it and I am thankful that my daughters were raised in it.  The Church was a great help to us raising our children in this world of today.

Well,  I have been long winded enough.  There is no way to stack 29 years of information into a post.  I find myself now knowing what is best for me and that is to get out and live the rest of my years as peaceful and happy as I can.  But I am fighting my emotions on this everyday facing her texts of Love and devotion to irrational manipulative baiting and negative texting.  Back and forth it goes.  On a daily basis.  Sometimes on an hourly basis.

If any of you have any input for me it would be very much appreciated.

Thank You   

[OnceConfused]

silver:

It looks to me that you are very clear about what have happened and what need to be done. Of course, the clinging, the attachment will make us wonder. That is normal. That is why so many abused people could not leave their abuser, because most of us prefer the known reality (even when it is very bad) over the unknown future.

My own cousin married to this man who beat her up with fist and key chains. She had to go to the hospital many many times. 45 years ago in my culture, divorce was a nono and plus the woman was so dependent on the husband for her financial support. She stayed and as a result (I guess) she turned around the beat up on the kids as a release of her internal anger. She died about 15 years ago, being a not so very happy person.

My advice to you is to ask yourself these questions:

1. What are the purpose of my life here on earth?

2. What do I want for my life ? Happiness, easy going, relaxing ... .

3. What do I see myself in 5, 10, 15 years from now? being happy with the same way or will I be regretful on my deathbed of not doing what make me happy, enjoying life, be a better person,?

Those thoughts will drive your actions. Then you won;t have regrets.

[Sadly]

Well I am not sure? If you have only just found out then does that mean she doesn't know either? If you both still love each other and you get the chance to discuss the BPD and get her to therapy may that not be a way forward? There are a lot of people posting who are staying with their BPD partners and working/trying to work with them because they love each other. I dunno, just a thought. 

[silver f]

Thank you ou so much Sadly and Onceconfused.

Isn't it amazing that you both hit on each side of my dilema. And I appreciate very much your input on my situation.

My BPD wife is high functioning, very manipulative and very complicated to me. So along with that you have times where she can be so lovely to me and i am so happy because she looks happy and content and then something pulls thr trigger and the opposite appears out of nowhere and hell on earth insues.

We went to marriage counseling for about 2 1/2 months before she stormed out of our last session and never went back to couples therapy. This is the same councillor I am seeing today. BTW, i purposly chose an LDS therapist because i thought if she was going to listen to anyone it would likely be someone strong in her faith like she is. This of course was before she was diagnosed with BPD and before I knew anything about it. In our first session he asked us to tell him about ourselves and asked me to start. So i filled him in a bit about myself and let him know that I am a devoted and faithful husband and father who loves his wife and children more than anything and have been trying to make my wife happy and content for our entire marriage but haven't been able to do this and can't understand why. I also told him that I am certainly not perfect and have my own flaws but i believe my good qualities far outweigh the not so good. Then he turned to her. And she started in. In the first 2 minutes he could tell something was amiss. He started asking why do you feel that way. He started talking about perseptions. And these questions just upset her more and more. I didn't even have to open my mouth for him to know something was wrong. In the 2 1/2 months of counseling we never left feeling better about our situation. She would never listen to council and what the councillor said got twisted and perverted and turned into her own perseption. We have also had many meetings with Church leaders with the same results (Bishop and Stake President).

Anyway, I had continued to see this same therapist to help me understand what she is going through. Then the diagnosis. And now I know. And i also know there is nothing I can do for her. It is agonizing.

To answer your question Sadly, no, she doesn't know. Over the last 6 months I have been sharing my personal life with my therapist. All the ups and intense downs. Emails, texts and everthing that I could to get help from him so I could try to understand what was happening and how i could help. It wasn't until I came to see him that 3 weeks ago at the end of my rope that he must have seen an absolute stressed out individual in despair. He asked me to write this down. Borderline Personality Disorder.

My therapist is a professional, intelligent, practical and compassionate man. During this time that i have been seeing him my wife has met with him a few times also and it is my understanding that it never went very well. Alathough he would never go into any content he did tell me that he didn't think she would be back after her last visit. He also told me that he had been bombarded with emails and texts from her also. She is pretty much wout of control. Long story short. He does not think her prognosis is very good or likely. And i tend to agree.

Thank you both for your responses. They mean alot to me.

[OnceConfused]

sadly:

I know that many will or have try to work it out with their BPDSO. Leaving is the last resort.

But also many have stayed for long time and ended up losing many of their good years to suffering or abuse. Why? I think because deep down BPD without therapy and professional help will not accept the problems as being theirs, thus they are not willing to take the long hard road of therapy.  The story of being nice one day and the devil the next day, continues.

Having said that, I think the real issue is BALANCE. The non has to set a threshold or a time limit when they must say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. Once you set the limit of your suffering then you are IN CONTROL of your destiny.

[silver f]

Thank You Onceconfused,

That is the position I am in right now.  I have set my limits but do not have much hope she will be able to comply or be able to help herself.

My other dilemma is whether to tell her that she has been diagnosed with BPD.  I'm just not sure.  I am going to ask my therapist what he thinks.

Any Ideas?

[Sadly]

Hi both of you. I guess I am trying to see happy endings because of love! Totally impractical and virtually impossible with a pwBPD, perhaps I had my positive head on, god knows that doesn't happen very often. My ex also is in total denial, he thinks I am mentally ill and even when he shouts angrily at me totally denies that he sounds like his dad when he talks to his mum. I think he is afraid because he knows exactly who he sounds like. I called him a vicious verbally abusive bully which gets thrown back at me constantly.

Am not too hot on the right thing to do but am unsure that telling her is a good idea. I think the therapist would be even more bombarded with texts and emails and become a serious villain in her eyes. I have serious doubts about Gods existence right now but will continue to pray for strength for both of us to cope with this hideous mess we find our selves in.   

[OnceConfused]

I guess I am trying to see happy endings because of love

Many of us here are confused between LOVE and ATTACHMENT. There are several kinds of love: emotional love between a couple (H & W) , parental love (parent & child), sympathetic love (feeling toward humanity or animals... ). I am talking about the emotional love here.

Emotional love is a CONDITIONAL LOVE and is reflected in our actions and attitude toward each other. Wife loves husband but husband must love wife back, otherwise the love will be gone very quickly and all left is suffering. How can we say we love BPD when we feel no love from them, we feel abused, we feel scared around them, we walk on eggshells around them. How can we say BPD love us when they belitttle us, walk on us as a doormat, instead of lifting us up to higher ground they depress us into pulp.

So why many have stayed? I think because of the attachment, the hope that tomorrow somehow magically BPD will be transformed to that nice person we wish. BPD's strategy is to confuse us with one day being nasty and then the next day being nice. So when the bad time comes, we are led to believe the good time will just be around the corner.  IN deed we got in the cycle of BPD's push/pull.

This is why I think we have to develop a BALANCE, a THRESHOLD so that we know there is an end point and we are in control of our destiny.

Silver. you have questions about telling your wife about BPD. I think that will not work. Our ego does not accept the reality or the label that we are mentally ill. She will reject you approach and will get angry at you for even saying that. At the last moment with my xBPDgf, I told her about seing a T, right away she looked away and a cold veil came over the face. I knew that she would not take my comments and would not change, so I stood up and say the final good bye and walked out of her door. I have to say now that was the moment that made me stronger and a more determined person to stay on my path to happiness.

[silver f]

Thank You Both so much.

I believe you are right about me not telling her.  I have had that feeling as well these last few days because the texting roller coaster is constant and persistent from her.  I'm pretty sure my therapist will agree that I should not tell her either but rather set my limits (which I have little hope that she will be able to take) and move on with my life.

The last few days she has bombarded me with praise.  She says she wants me back home, she will rush to my terms, will do it your way from now on and so on and so on.  When I have gone over to see my 3 girls since our separation she finds a way to get us isolated away from them and starts sexually attacking me and tries to get me to go up to our room but I have been steadfast to only respond in a methodical comforting way by letting her know I do not feel right about this at this time.  But yet she also believes that I am up to something, seeing other women, talking with attorney's already, getting drunk every night and so on and so on.  What a bizarre place to reside in.  The mind of a BPD. I have probably spent more time than I should at my house these past 2 weeks because my 2 oldest who have been working for me as flaggers to save money for college are leaving today and I won't be seeing them for quite a while.  In fact my wife and is heading down to Utah with them and my youngest to meet up with my oldest who is pregnant with her second child.  Unfortunately, she lost her first child last year.  It was born premature (21 weeks) and lived 1 day.  They of course were devastated.  I asked my BPD wife to please have fun with her children and focus on their wants and needs  My oldest daughter being pregnant is anxious enough and does not need any stress whatsoever.  Fingers Crossed.  Of course I am the one with the problem.  She says I'm bi-polar or depressed and I should go to the doctor and get meds.  She actually made 2 doctors appointments for me.  One was supposed to be today.  I started getting calls to confirm these appointments and as I thought about it I new it was her because I sure in the hell didn't make them.  I found that to be true today when she asked me to please go to the appointments she made for me.  I told her I cancelled the appointments and I am in no need to be medicated.  Anyway I feel I'm getting long winded again.  The roller Coaster rides on.

Thank You 2 again.