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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: Her extreme fear/avoidance of me after the final discard  (Read 9117 times)
Beach_Babe
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« Reply #60 on: August 23, 2015, 09:51:51 PM »

Why would you want to be with someone so disordered? I ask myself the same question, believe me. Lol. Diagnostic labels aside maybe some people truly are just "rotten." Dont you think you deserve better than that JRT?
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JRT
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« Reply #61 on: August 24, 2015, 12:01:07 AM »

JRT, when it's mentioned to "not take it personally", the meaning is that the borderline's behavior is not a reflection of you but simply their own maladaptive coping strategies. It could have happened to somebody else, not you personally, and in fact, since these are repetitive ingrained behavior patterns, it's doubtful you were the first person, and probably not the last, to be treated in this manner by her.

Sure I get it; but it defines the offensive behaviors from their perspective.
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« Reply #62 on: August 24, 2015, 12:03:20 AM »

My ex's relationships weren't really separate or unique.  They were more like one event where each partner was a surrogate plugged in to provide him an outlet for his replaying his wounds.  What's more, there was hardly any deviation from the 'script' at his end.    

You mentioned that your ex was engaged previously.  This wasn't her first rodeo.  It's possible her previous engagements ended in a similar way.  I think you mentioned that she had 3 engagements... . To me, that's a lot of engagements.  Something isn't quite right with that picture.  If you expand your view of her history to include her other relationships, do you see a pattern there?  

Of course I do... .but one tires to see possibility and hope even in something that was as glaring. Maybe when was just a bad picker... .or a victim of circumstance, etc. One tires to put those types of things behind the relationship and work on the relationship itself, not what happened with others int he past. OF course, after the fact, hindsight is 20/20.
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JRT
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« Reply #63 on: August 24, 2015, 12:06:25 AM »

JRT, when it's mentioned to "not take it personally", the meaning is that the borderline's behavior is not a reflection of you but simply their own maladaptive coping strategies. It could have happened to somebody else, not you personally, and in fact, since these are repetitive ingrained behavior patterns, it's doubtful you were the first person, and probably not the last, to be treated in this manner by her.

My ex's relationships weren't really separate or unique.  They were more like one event where each partner was a surrogate plugged in to provide him an outlet for his replaying his wounds.  What's more, there was hardly any deviation from the 'script' at his end.

YES! ^^^

I didn't/couldn't accept that "I shouldn't take it personally" until I was more emotionally detached. It sounded ludicrous to me when I first heard it too.

I feel that it helps to explain their behavior; indeed she did not do what she did because JRT did such and such and was a chronic this and that, she did it because of her disorder. Semantics being what they are, however, it infers that there was no personal element directed at me: the target could have been anyone, but it was, in fact, me and the arrow went directly through my heart. In this way, it couldn't have been more personal.
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« Reply #64 on: August 24, 2015, 12:08:57 AM »

Why would you want to be with someone so disordered? I ask myself the same question, believe me. Lol. Diagnostic labels aside maybe some people truly are just "rotten." Dont you think you deserve better than that JRT?

I am beginning to think that we have replaced such terms, 'bad person'. 'rotten', 'evil', with terminology that makes it sound far less menacing and dangerous. Had I only known she was disordered and to this extent... .
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« Reply #65 on: August 24, 2015, 03:43:52 AM »

Their Partner has become Obsessed.

This happens a lot! The person with BPD simply confuses the out of their partner. The partner genuinely becomes obsessed trying to "piece the puzzle" together, they can't accept the reality of the situation, they're still stuck in the "illusion",  believing the " fantasy" of idealisation or maybe hooked on the crazy sex and just can't let go. Essentially the "non" partner starts to act irattionally and begins to display BPD traits. This would be enough to scare anybody, let alone someone with BPD.

As others have said you can never really know the answers you're looking for. The best course of action is accepting the truth. Accepting that you never REALLY knew the person you were involved with or what motivates and drives their actions. YOU may have been happy in the relationship and thought everything was great but that really won't have been the case for your exgf if she suffers with BPD. Maybe take a look at you own actions and see how they could make your ex afraid of you (for example, not respecting her wishes for you to leave her alone). I 100% agree with the other people that have posted. To take back the power you must seek radical acceptance, go no contact, move on, delete her from your life for good, forget about her. If you don't do that SHE has all of the power over YOU. Hope that helps.

Thank you for this   I think my ex knew that the silent treatment would make me go "crazy" for a moment and react in that way, in both breakups i ended up doing exactly the same thing and she turned all the blame on my shoulders only this time 100 times worst 

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« Reply #66 on: August 24, 2015, 06:08:35 AM »

Hi JRT

Excerpt
I have not really come across this at all on this forum or anywhere else. Has anyone else experienced anything similar or have an opinion on this? Is seeing me forcing her to deal with her BPD shame?

I think you've already got a lot of really good feedback and insight from other posters.

I can relate to your desire to understand what's driving your exes behaviour. Trying to make sense of what happened was very important to me too in the aftermath of my breakup. This site and the thoughts and posts of other members really helped me.

I still found accepting the reality of the disorder harder. My exes actions and behaviour felt so hurtful and personal - it was very difficult to come to terms with the idea that it wasn't actually about me. Accepting that meant that my relationship and the connection I felt wasn't actually as special as I believed

My ex left while I was away on business and I got a text when I arrived back.

She refused to provide a forwarding address and told me that her family had warned her to stay away from me. I was confused and hurt by her behaviour. At various points in the relationship she'd been violent and unfaithful.

We met briefly, but I didn't try to initiate contact or ask her to come back then or afterwards. I'd been seeing REBT (Rational Emotional Behaviour Therapy) therapist for a few months prior to the breakup and that really helped me accept her right to make a choice. Not like it, but accept that everyone has the right to choose

I think many BPDs slip into victim mode to avoid dealing with shame and responsibility. Let's be honest it can be very seductive for NONs too, as a way of avoiding taking responsibility for our own actions and choices, but it seems to be a big element of BPD behaviour.

It can feel particularly galling to find yourself perceived or portrayed as a persecutor when you feel like you're the one who has been betrayed and abused.

But in order for a BPD to rationalise their victim stasis they need a persecutor, (there are very good links on this site about the Karpman Drama Triangle) and when you're hurt, angry and looking for closure it's all too easy to slip into that role. Many of us who began as rescuers / white knights ended up being persecutors (at least in the eyes of our exes).

You cannot alter your exes perception of you or rewire her brain, but by stepping back and disengaging you can put out the fire and give yourself the space to look after yourself and work on your own healing and closure. That's the only way forward. Continued contact or conflict will just keep you stuck in the triangle which brings me to the ring.

The other poster's reference to Lord of the Rings was because the story of the three books centre around a struggle to get a great ring of power, which cause massive battles and upheaval.


She has some property of mine that I would like to have returned among those items, the engagement ring. I took her to Europe to propose and and ran out of time before the trip so I had to buy a cheapo Sterling silver ring as a ‘stand in’ ring while her permanent one was being built….it only cost $250 but I want it back as it means a lot to me.

Can I ask why a $250 sterling ring means so much to you?

I can understand if it was a family heirloom or something that cost thousands of dollars, but your legal fees will surely cost as much if not more that the ring which was just a stand in for something that was never given…

I do understand your desire to assert yourself and take affirmative action, but will you actually achieve by getting the cheap ring back. Ignoring her boundaries - her clearly stated desire to be left alone and using legal action to recover something which you given as a gift you're just confirming her belief that she is a victim and you are persecuting.

I appreciate that her feelings or mental health may not feel important to you, but what about your own. I know how unfair it can all feel, but I found that my desire for justice and closure from my ex was also driven by a fear of detaching and letting go.

As the other posters have said - we all have to find our own way and I hope you find healing and peaces

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« Reply #67 on: August 24, 2015, 07:21:22 AM »

hi jrt I can identify with how you are feeling and its like living through a night mare... she is protecting herself in my opinion she has absolutely no regard for you as they don't care about anyone but themselves .they some how convince themselves they are the victim and really believe this, maybe near the end of your relationship you began challenging her over little things or maybe it stopped being all about her.I wish I could give you a receipe for success but this is a no win situation,you want closure ,satisfaction etc... .I am slowly learning this is not possible with people who have a personality it is a bitter pill to swallow but you need to focus on you ,putting your energy into this person is a waste of time they are so devious you will always come out looking the worst.I was with my husband nearly 30 years I met him when I was only 15,I have four children with him ,he lives next door has no part in parenting contacts the children when he needs them for something or is feeling lonely,doesnt support us financially ,has not spoken to our 18 year old in two years as  she exposed his behaviour.at the end of our relationship he had become a pathological liar ,devious, manipulating emotionally,verbally and physically abusive.i had adored this man I thought we would betogether for the rest of our live s rear our children together etc... .He now avoids me wont have any contact (too much to go into)but basically he I felt was punishing ,controlling me by avoidance ,he wont even discuss the children because he sees rules and boundries as control... .so I stopped contacting him avoid where I think he might be etc... .as I am now protecting ME I am now the most important person its no longer him it hurts like hell but I know I can and need to do this for ME... .so maybe you should shift the focus over to you .

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« Reply #68 on: August 24, 2015, 07:40:35 AM »

JRT, when it's mentioned to "not take it personally", the meaning is that the borderline's behavior is not a reflection of you but simply their own maladaptive coping strategies. It could have happened to somebody else, not you personally, and in fact, since these are repetitive ingrained behavior patterns, it's doubtful you were the first person, and probably not the last, to be treated in this manner by her.

My ex's relationships weren't really separate or unique.  They were more like one event where each partner was a surrogate plugged in to provide him an outlet for his replaying his wounds.  What's more, there was hardly any deviation from the 'script' at his end.

YES! ^^^

I didn't/couldn't accept that "I shouldn't take it personally" until I was more emotionally detached. It sounded ludicrous to me when I first heard it too.

I feel that it helps to explain their behavior; indeed she did not do what she did because JRT did such and such and was a chronic this and that, she did it because of her disorder. Semantics being what they are, however, it infers that there was no personal element directed at me: the target could have been anyone, but it was, in fact, me and the arrow went directly through my heart. In this way, it couldn't have been more personal.

THAT I completely understand... .none of this is to say that it doesn't feel personal. It was personally the most devastating thing that anyone has ever done to me, and I experienced a pain that I had never felt before. But you "get it" - nothing you did brought it on; 'the target could have been anyone.'
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« Reply #69 on: August 24, 2015, 07:53:57 AM »

Hi JRT

If your ex wasn't disordered, and refused to return a ring for an engagement that SHE had broken off, would you still be resorting to the courts to get the item back?

If the answer to this question is a 'yes' then aren't you simply enforcing behavioral standards irrespective of her disorder? if the answer to that question is 'no' then maybe it is more about her than you.

Fanny
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Mr Hollande
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« Reply #70 on: August 24, 2015, 10:00:48 AM »

JRT, I agree with you on the "it's not personal" phrase. It's bandied about far too freely and without enough consideration.
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« Reply #71 on: August 24, 2015, 10:12:04 AM »

Hi JRT

If your ex wasn't disordered, and refused to return a ring for an engagement that SHE had broken off, would you still be resorting to the courts to get the item back?

If the answer to this question is a 'yes' then aren't you simply enforcing behavioral standards irrespective of her disorder? if the answer to that question is 'no' then maybe it is more about her than you.

Fanny

Of course I would... .how else would I have it returned if she refused contact to the extent that I could even request it?

Can you explain this?

"aren't you simply enforcing behavioral standards irrespective of her disorder?"

Also, do you have any insight as to why she went to these extreme lengths?
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Mutt
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« Reply #72 on: August 24, 2015, 10:20:40 AM »

Hi JRT,

How much is it going to cost in legal fees to get a $250 ring back? I can see how some lawyers like conflict.
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« Reply #73 on: August 24, 2015, 10:28:01 AM »

hi jrt I can identify with how you are feeling and its like living through a night mare... she is protecting herself in my opinion she has absolutely no regard for you as they don't care about anyone but themselves .they some how convince themselves they are the victim and really believe this, maybe near the end of your relationship you began challenging her over little things or maybe it stopped being all about her.I wish I could give you a receipe for success but this is a no win situation,you want closure ,satisfaction etc... .I am slowly learning this is not possible with people who have a personality it is a bitter pill to swallow but you need to focus on you ,putting your energy into this person is a waste of time they are so devious you will always come out looking the worst.I was with my husband nearly 30 years I met him when I was only 15,I have four children with him ,he lives next door has no part in parenting contacts the children when he needs them for something or is feeling lonely,doesnt support us financially ,has not spoken to our 18 year old in two years as  she exposed his behaviour.at the end of our relationship he had become a pathological liar ,devious, manipulating emotionally,verbally and physically abusive.i had adored this man I thought we would betogether for the rest of our live s rear our children together etc... .He now avoids me wont have any contact (too much to go into)but basically he I felt was punishing ,controlling me by avoidance ,he wont even discuss the children because he sees rules and boundries as control... .so I stopped contacting him avoid where I think he might be etc... .as I am now protecting ME I am now the most important person its no longer him it hurts like hell but I know I can and need to do this for ME... .so maybe you should shift the focus over to you .

I am very sorry that you are going through this, I know how incredibly painful and frustrating that it is. Please let me know if there is anything that I can do to help.
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« Reply #74 on: August 24, 2015, 10:30:41 AM »

Hi JRT,

How much is it going to cost in legal fees to get a $250 ring back? I can see how some lawyers like conflict.

The filing fee... .its small claims court so $50 is all.

Meanwhile, her companies attorney tells me that he will be defending her and appearing. So, she is sending a $500 an hour attorney on a 3-4 hour task to avoid a $250 judgement! And one that she will VERY likely lose.
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« Reply #75 on: August 24, 2015, 10:41:28 AM »

Hi JRT,

How much is it going to cost in legal fees to get a $250 ring back? I can see how some lawyers like conflict.

The filing fee... .its small claims court so $50 is all.

Meanwhile, her companies attorney tells me that he will be defending her and appearing. So, she is sending a $500 an hour attorney on a 3-4 hour task to avoid a $250 judgement! And one that she will VERY likely lose.

What's your lawyer's retainer fee?
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« Reply #76 on: August 24, 2015, 10:43:52 AM »

Hi JRT

If your ex wasn't disordered, and refused to return a ring for an engagement that SHE had broken off, would you still be resorting to the courts to get the item back?

If the answer to this question is a 'yes' then aren't you simply enforcing behavioral standards irrespective of her disorder? if the answer to that question is 'no' then maybe it is more about her than you.

Fanny

Of course I would... .how else would I have it returned if she refused contact to the extent that I could even request it?

Can you explain this?

"aren't you simply enforcing behavioral standards irrespective of her disorder?"

Also, do you have any insight as to why she went to these extreme lengths?

I think it means that you can't hold a pwBPD to the same standards we face. There are multiple barriers that simply make them unable to. It's the same barriers that lead to her extreme perception of reality (that you are persecuting her)

Do you have a lawyer of your own?
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« Reply #77 on: August 24, 2015, 10:54:16 AM »

Will you be satisfied with winning a monetary judgment in court, or will only a return of the ring itself do the trick? I'm thinking there are two parties here, and two strong wills.
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« Reply #78 on: August 24, 2015, 11:12:13 AM »

@Mutt and NaT... its small claims court, a lawyer is not necessary and is discouraged. I anticipate that the judge might actually be upset that she does not appear in person. I have relationships with several who know the situation that suspect that this might backfire for her... .it really already has.

@Kate,,,I feel a great degree of satisfaction already, its really amazing. The call from the cops was a boost; I was a victory when I asked he cop '... .soo, are you calling to tell me that my legal right to recover my property has been revoked by you and her?'. I knew that after he hung up he told her something along the lines of, 'there you go... .I did you this favor... .you have nothing to go on to get a PPO... .now stop bothering us'. If that was not enough, when her lawyer called me the next day to tell me that he was going to defend her (he is a building industry attorney), I knew that she DIDN'T have power... .her power was my perception of it - it was MY RESPECT FOR HER BOUNDARIES! I withdrew that respect and saw her actions as desperate and pathetic. I did what any rational person would do and now I was using HER tactics to regain what she took away.

The court date is  a huge victory and reclamation of power, if it never happens for whatever reason, it will still be a milestone. Even if she is a no show in favor of her attorney (I actually have three other pieces of property that she kept that I am retaining as options in I REALLY need force her to show up in court), I still have forced her to do something that she refused to do (at my expense, and at the expense of what she has the civil obligation to do), I would be ok with that. I would be best if the actual ring is recovered, it meant a lot to me as did my relationship (I have not painted her ALL black) and I would like to keep it. But a check for $250 in lieu of the ring will also suffice, but not as well.

As I mentioned, this was the smartest thing that I did... .

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« Reply #79 on: August 24, 2015, 11:15:24 AM »

JRT, I agree with you on the "it's not personal" phrase. It's bandied about far too freely and without enough consideration.

Of course it's personal to us because it's happening to us and everything we experience is "personal".

When you see "it's not personal" on the forums, it's not personal in the sense that a car driver who dangerously cuts you off in traffic isn't a personal attack on YOU, per se. You just happen to be a victim of their dangerous driving behaviors. AND you also don't know WHY they did it. Could it be because they are simply an entitled jerk driver or is it because they are speeding their pregnant wife to the hospital? Does it bother you that you won't ever really know?
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« Reply #80 on: August 24, 2015, 11:22:53 AM »

JRT, it sounds like the lawyer is just representing her for free as a favor. I think you have a decent chance of winning a judgement in your favor. If this gives you more peace in the long haul, more power to you.

It's often said that in BPD relationships the non-BPD partner "becomes" the trigger. Basically just dealing with you becomes a stressor to the borderline. One of the ways to cope with a stressor is to simply run away from it and stay away from it.
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« Reply #81 on: August 24, 2015, 11:26:16 AM »

I have seen several people new to this forum, myself included at one point, giving details of their devastation only to receive the go for catch phrase "it's nothing personal". I know why it's not personal but there is a time and a place to say it and there is many a time and place not to say it. It's often used willy nilly.
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« Reply #82 on: August 24, 2015, 11:37:33 AM »

@LC….I see the analogy and it’s a  good one….at one point in time, It would have mattered to me if, say, they were speeding their pregnant wife to the hospital. However, if their actions killed a loved one, for example, their pregnant wife would mean little or nothing to me at all.

Thanks for your encouragement regarding my case. My father is an attorney and he helped me out a bit with this (on top of telling me that I might want to become ‘assertive’ with anyone that comes to threaten a PPO as there is ZERO substantiation for one - the attorneys and cops were just being bullies on her behalf and no legal ground for anything).  My state is one where the law recognizes a ring as an instrument to a contract. If the contract is not fully executed (no marriage), the consideration (the ring) associated with the contract must be returned. This has been established by precedent and is now law here. I am curious as to how the lawyer plans on defending this.

@Mr H….I agree….I think that there are many things that we do like that


Betcha that this one is going to get locked down because of its size soon... .thanks all for posting
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« Reply #83 on: August 24, 2015, 11:43:56 AM »

  Look it no one else here will say it I will.

Being vindictive is never good. You're only going to prove that she is right to get away from you anyway she can. You're on a mission to do nothing but prove to yourself you have some type of power or control when you clearly don't. How could you? You don't even have control over your own thoughts. You're clearly consumed still because of the lengths you're going to.

For what? A ring? Power? Control? This sounds like a real life drama of The Lord of the Rings.

 She has more power over you than you'll ever admit. Every time you think about a reason on how you're right or justified is just an other second wasted. Look in the mirror, bud. She's winning and you're letting her.

 

Not because she has the ring. She's wrong too for keeping it. But it sounds to me like you were very use to having some type of power or control, and she turned the tables on you.

In my opinion? She's probably smiling deep inside while getting whatever payback she can in the mean time. For every time she didn't stand up to you during your relationship. For every preconceived slight you did. This is HER way of getting power over you. This is her way of standing up.

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« Reply #84 on: August 24, 2015, 11:47:04 AM »

@ScorpioLaw

Awesome post.  Pretty much spot on.
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« Reply #85 on: August 24, 2015, 12:08:16 PM »

 Look it no one else here will say it I will.

Being vindictive is never good. vindictive? Its my property.  You're only going to prove that she is right to get away from you anyway she can. You're on a mission to do nothing but prove to yourself you have some type of power or control when you clearly don't well, i got her to answer a summons didn't I? . How could you? You don't even have control over your own thoughts hmmmm, why do you think this? ? . You're clearly consumed still because of the lengths you're going to. ibid

For what? A ring? Power? Control? YES! I have said this over and over on this thread. Is that unhealthy? I hope not.  This sounds like a real life drama of The Lord of the Rings.

 She has more power over you than you'll ever admit. How so? This is about my property and her ownership of what she has done. Please explain why the alternative of taking it on the chin and 'respecting her boundaries' is preferable.  Every time you think about a reason on how you're right or justified is just an other second wasted. Look in the mirror, bud. She's winning and you're letting her.

 

Not because she has the ring. She's wrong too for keeping it. But it sounds to me like you were very use to having some type of power or control, and she turned the tables on you. To assert this, you would need insight into my 2 year relationship... .right?

In my opinion? She's probably smiling deep inside while getting whatever payback she can in the mean time. For every time she didn't stand up to you during your relationship. For every preconceived slight you did. This is HER way of getting power over you. This is her way of standing up. This is highly speculative... .do you think that she might have asserted her power over me by saying no to 'will you marry me?' or not making a decision to move first closer to where I live then into my house? It seems that you have draw the conclusion that she was somehow abused or victimized. Can you share how you came to this conclusion?

Is it possible for you to provide your perspective on her extreme behaviors?

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« Reply #86 on: August 24, 2015, 12:15:47 PM »

Hi JRT

If your ex wasn't disordered, and refused to return a ring for an engagement that SHE had broken off, would you still be resorting to the courts to get the item back?

If the answer to this question is a 'yes' then aren't you simply enforcing behavioral standards irrespective of her disorder? if the answer to that question is 'no' then maybe it is more about her than you.

Fanny

Of course I would... .how else would I have it returned if she refused contact to the extent that I could even request it?

Can you explain this?

"aren't you simply enforcing behavioral standards irrespective of her disorder?"

Also, do you have any insight as to why she went to these extreme lengths?

Hi JRT

I was seeking to establish that your action was about behavioral standards per se and not about your ex i.e. revenge.  If you would have done this with a non-disordered ex then isn't that you enforcing a boundary? Should JRT let it go just because his ex is disordered if he wouldn't have if she was a 'non'?

Should she get preferential treatment because she has BPD? I'm not sure she should, but this is very much a personal choice that each of us has to make.

Fanny
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« Reply #87 on: August 24, 2015, 12:25:20 PM »

Hi JRT

If your ex wasn't disordered, and refused to return a ring for an engagement that SHE had broken off, would you still be resorting to the courts to get the item back?

If the answer to this question is a 'yes' then aren't you simply enforcing behavioral standards irrespective of her disorder? if the answer to that question is 'no' then maybe it is more about her than you.

Fanny

Of course I would... .how else would I have it returned if she refused contact to the extent that I could even request it?

Can you explain this?

"aren't you simply enforcing behavioral standards irrespective of her disorder?"

Also, do you have any insight as to why she went to these extreme lengths?

Hi JRT

I was seeking to establish that your action was about behavioral standards per se and not about your ex i.e. revenge.  If you would have done this with a non-disordered ex then isn't that you enforcing a boundary? Should JRT let it go just because his ex is disordered if he wouldn't have if she was a 'non'?

Should she get preferential treatment because she has BPD? I'm not sure she should, but this is very much a personal choice that each of us has to make.

Fanny

If I am understanding this correctly, I don't think that BPD - at this point - has much of a bearing on things. At one point, I would have cared to do this delicately and with her boundaries in mind. Now I could give a rats behind about her and her needs (I should have done this LONG ago) and do what my instinct and logic define are good for JRT. Its been a year... .she will never come around... .she will never be healthy... .I will NEVER have a relationship with her... .so why should I care about anything EXCEPT the return of my property and healing from what she had done?
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« Reply #88 on: August 24, 2015, 12:26:08 PM »

@JRT

I'm with Scorpio on this one.  $250 is a small price to pay for freedom, healing, peace of mind.

Excerpt
For what? A ring? Power? Control? YES! I have said this over and over on this thread. Is that unhealthy? I hope not.

Yes.  

Excerpt
This is about my property and her ownership of what she has done.

You can't force other people to hold themselves accountable.

Excerpt
Please explain why the alternative of taking it on the chin and 'respecting her boundaries' is preferable.

Health, freedom, peace of mind.

Excerpt
To assert this, you would need insight into my 2 year relationship... .right?

Every relationship is different, but there are definite patterns to these types of relationships and the types of people who get involved in them.

Excerpt
This is highly speculative... .do you think that she might have asserted her power over me by saying no to 'will you marry me?' or not making a decision to move first closer to where I live then into my house? It seems that you have draw the conclusion that she was somehow abused or victimized. Can you share how you came to this conclusion?

She drew that conclusion.  That is HER reality, regardless of what really happened.  You're still holding her to 'non' standards of behavior.  This will result in unresovable frustration until you accept that she has a disorder.

Excerpt
Is it possible for you to provide your perspective on her extreme behaviors?

It's BPD 101.  Every single one of us has dealt with this extreme behavior, to different degrees.  You can't change 'em, you can't understand 'em, you can't get 'em to accept responsibility--all you'll do is drive yourself crazy.  

This isn't about being 'right' or being 'wrong.'  This isn't about 'justice,' or 'ethics,' or 'holding other people accountable.'  This is about YOUR health and YOUR healing.  There's nothing for you if you go down that rabbit hole.  And it won't make things better.  The ring isn't the real issue here.  

Obviously, you're free to make your own decisions and rationalizations.  I don't have a dog in this fight.  Just some objective perspective from someone who's been there.
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« Reply #89 on: August 24, 2015, 12:27:10 PM »

Hi JRT,

You broke up a year ago? Why do this now?
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