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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Her extreme fear/avoidance of me after the final discard  (Read 9145 times)
JRT
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« Reply #90 on: August 24, 2015, 12:38:57 PM »

@JRT

I'm with Scorpio on this one.  $250 is a small price to pay for freedom, healing, peace of mind.

Is that universal?

Excerpt
For what? A ring? Power? Control? YES! I have said this over and over on this thread. Is that unhealthy? I hope not.

Yes.  

How so? Again, is this a universal standard?

Excerpt
This is about my property and her ownership of what she has done.

You can't force other people to hold themselves accountable.

But I did... .she or her attorney will be in court in 2 weeks or there will be a default judgement against her.

Excerpt
Please explain why the alternative of taking it on the chin and 'respecting her boundaries' is preferable.

Health, freedom, peace of mind.

you get this from laying down and letting someone walk all over you... .not returning things that she has no legal right to? That doesn't make any sense at all to me! I get that from the opposite... .sorry; do you see how people are different and my path is different than yours?

Excerpt
To assert this, you would need insight into my 2 year relationship... .right?

Every relationship is different, but there are definite patterns to these types of relationships and the types of people who get involved in them.

And so you see a pattern, somehow, that I was 'not good' to my fiance?

Excerpt
This is highly speculative... .do you think that she might have asserted her power over me by saying no to 'will you marry me?' or not making a decision to move first closer to where I live then into my house? It seems that you have draw the conclusion that she was somehow abused or victimized. Can you share how you came to this conclusion?

She drew that conclusion.  That is HER reality, regardless of what really happened.  You're still holding her to 'non' standards of behavior.  This will result in unresovable frustration until you accept that she has a disorder.

The conclusion was yours in the post... .how about we just drop that; by all accounts including her own and her family and friends, I was great to her. I HAVE accepted that she has a disorder, thats why I am here.

Excerpt
Is it possible for you to provide your perspective on her extreme behaviors?

It's BPD 101.  Every single one of us has dealt with this extreme behavior, to different degrees.  You can't change 'em, you can't understand 'em, you can't get 'em to accept responsibility--all you'll do is drive yourself crazy.  

This isn't about being 'right' or being 'wrong.'  This isn't about 'justice,' or 'ethics,' or 'holding other people accountable.'  This is about YOUR health and YOUR healing.  There's nothing for you if you go down that rabbit hole.  And it won't make things better.  The ring isn't the real issue here.  

Obviously, you're free to make your own decisions and rationalizations.  I don't have a dog in this fight.  Just some objective perspective from someone who's been there.

Okay, so no perspective?

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JRT
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« Reply #91 on: August 24, 2015, 12:51:34 PM »

Hi JRT,

You broke up a year ago? Why do this now?

Good question Mutt.

There is something about me, maybe a character flaw, where I retain hope... .that effectively all things will work out if you put forth the right effort, God willing and that you exhaust all possibilities along the way in the effort to making them right. I respected her space over the course of the last year and hoped that during that period, she would have tempered her position enough to at least have a conversation. There are many dynamics to what I thought, felt and observed (including her electronic stalking and some new hijnks that I suspect) during this period but there was a diminishing part of me that wanted her back and the life we had before. I was patient in this way for almost a year... .I felt earlier in the month that it was time to put forth the final efforts for my peace of mind.

As I referred to during this epic thread, the interaction with the cops and attorney -knowing that they had no legal standing, where she had gone to them as a penniless emotional beggar with absolutely nothing from a legal perspective to effect her will against me (or maybe she just wanted them to warn me only, dunno); having nothing more than a childish 'tell him to stop talking to me' premise really made something snap in me on an almost immediately. That power that has come up over and over again her was gone instantaneously. I no longer see her as a bigger than life monster with power over me; I want but she does not give... .won't even talk. Now I see her as small, pathetic, tragicomic.

We are all different and walk a separate path to everything in life. I am surprised that this was so controversial to so many. 
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« Reply #92 on: August 24, 2015, 12:56:50 PM »

Excerpt
Is that universal?

Let me define that:  Healthy is having control over your own life and thoughts / having your own personal standards.  Unhealthy is trying to hold other people to those standards and allowing their behavior to affect your own--that's codependency.

Excerpt
But I did... .she or her attorney will be in court in 2 weeks or there will be a default judgement against her.

That's an arbitrary means of extracting 'justice.'  Maybe getting the ring back will make you feel better about her betrayal and it'll all be sunshine and rainbows after that.

Excerpt
you get this from laying down and letting someone walk all over you.

You can't get those things from other people.

Excerpt
do you see how people are different and my path is different than yours?

I respect that.  Let me know you feel better if you get the ring back.

Excerpt
And so you see a pattern, somehow, that I was 'not good' to my fiance?

Never said nor implied that.  

Excerpt
by all accounts including her own and her family and friends, I was great to her.

Hey, no disputes here.  But did you do those things expecting her to be great to you in return?

I guess what I'm getting at, is the only real power we have over ourselves and other people is the ability to walk away.  
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KateCat
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« Reply #93 on: August 24, 2015, 01:06:16 PM »

JRT, I think Mutt's question about the timeline might even be pertinent legally. What will you say when the magistrate asks you why you waited a year to attempt to recover your property? 
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123Phoebe
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« Reply #94 on: August 24, 2015, 01:08:45 PM »

the only real power we have over ourselves and other people is the ability to walk away.  

Hi JRT, I'll admit to skimming through your thread, but can feel all of that emotion way over here   You, at one time, really loved her :'(

I guess my take away, is to extend that love out to the universe, toss it up in the air, rather than steadfastly clinging to what she's perceived to be holding onto--  your lost dreams in the shape of a ring.

Let her go and you'll reclaim yourself
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JRT
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« Reply #95 on: August 24, 2015, 01:09:52 PM »

Excerpt
Is that universal?

Let me define that:  Healthy is having control over your own life and thoughts / having your own personal standards.  Unhealthy is trying to hold other people to those standards and allowing their behavior to affect your own--that's codependency.

So you see why doing what I did worked for me, right?

Excerpt
But I did... .she or her attorney will be in court in 2 weeks or there will be a default judgement against her.

That's an arbitrary means of extracting 'justice.'  Maybe getting the ring back will make you feel better about her betrayal and it'll all be sunshine and rainbows after that.

Arbitrary? Its the ONLY means of Justice available to me. Sunshine? Rainbows?

Excerpt
you get this from laying down and letting someone walk all over you.

You can't get those things from other people.

What things? What other people. Not sure I follow this

Excerpt
do you see how people are different and my path is different than yours?

I respect that.  Let me know you feel better if you get the ring back.

Ping me on September 15th... .but I can tell you right now, these past two weeks have been great,

Excerpt
And so you see a pattern, somehow, that I was 'not good' to my fiance?

Never said nor implied that.  

Okay... .did you mean something different with this: ' But it sounds to me like you were very use to having some type of power or control'

Excerpt
by all accounts including her own and her family and friends, I was great to her.

Hey, no disputes here.  But did you do those things expecting her to be great to you in return?

one would hope right? At the very least, in exchange if she intended to b/u for any reason and nice 'dear JRT' letter or conversation might have been polite... .AND a return of property

I guess what I'm getting at, is the only real power we have over ourselves and other people is the ability to walk away.  

Respectfully, I disagree.

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JRT
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« Reply #96 on: August 24, 2015, 01:11:45 PM »

JRT, I think Mutt's question about the timeline might even be pertinent legally. What will you say when the magistrate asks you why you waited a year to attempt to recover your property? 

There is a 2 year statute of limitations on this, it will likely not come up. But if it does, I will tell him exactly what I told Mutt: I respected her boundaries during that period and was hoping that she would have tempered her frustrations enough to have an adult conversation with me.
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JRT
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« Reply #97 on: August 24, 2015, 01:13:40 PM »

the only real power we have over ourselves and other people is the ability to walk away.  

Hi JRT, I'll admit to skimming through your thread, but can feel all of that emotion way over here   You, at one time, really loved her :'(

I guess my take away, is to extend that love out to the universe, toss it up in the air, rather than steadfastly clinging to what she's perceived to be holding onto--  your lost dreams in the shape of a ring.

Let her go and you'll reclaim yourself

You are correct; yes I did... .profoundly so... .there will still be things to work on... .there will still be triggers to memories or happy times... .thanks for the hug!
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ShadowIntheNight
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« Reply #98 on: August 24, 2015, 01:16:16 PM »

JRT,

I have no dog in this fight. But you and I have shared a very similar breakup quite different than many on this site. Both of our exes gave us no indication they were having some sort of internal angst to the point that they'd run off with absolutely ZERO explanation, and then proceeded to scape goat us for their behavior. I won't go into what happend in my case, I have plenty of posts for anyone who cares to read it before casting judgement on my OR JRTs actions.

But JRT also didn't state in his original post that his ex over the course of the last 7 months has REPEATEDLY called him and hung up on both him and his daughter, who was also affected by his ex's actions. She also stalked him on Facebook, and given every opportunity by JRT to pick up belongings of hers that included mementos of her son's childhood, she ignored him, did not say a word, did not respond. And yet after that she continued her vigel of silent phone calls. My ex has done the same. Since last September, at least every other week I received silent hang up calls. I don't Facebook, but she has checked my LinkedIn page. And all I can ask is why?

Both JRT and I have wanted to have contact with our exes, to get some sort of resolution, even idea behind their actions. Everyone on this site asks "to what end?" I'll tell you to what end, to have some peace of mind. Our exes have gone on with their lives as if we never existed. Btw I was with my ex almost 10 YEARS. A decade of my life that now has nothing to show for it.

His ex could have ended this for JRT back last Fall, when he simply asked her what happened? She was his fiancé. She had just moved in. All she had to say was "I didn't like you, you leave hair in the drain, it's Friday." No, she chose to involve the police. I understand everyone here wants to equate a BPD as a 3 year old. I wasn't dating a 3 year old, nor was JRT. These are adult women. Women who are in their mid 40s with professional careers and with children. I had no idea what BPD was until 3 months after my ex left. 3 months of pure hell wondering why my life was in the state it was in and my ex is having the time of her life with some new person and his friends who she could care less about.

So really the simple answer, at least for me, is this is nothing but purely a power struggle between her strong will and JRT regaining his. She could have ended this whole matter simply by opening her mouth. It would have let JRT move on, but clearly she wanted out, not for him to be able to move on and heal or she wouldn't have kept calling him and not saying anything. Now she will have no choice but to open her mouth.  Frankly, from what I know of the matter and like my ex, it's amazing how shut up they've both been after their actions when they abandoned us than they ever were Inside the relationship.

If I really wanted to, I would go after my ex and relish watching her squirm. It wouldn't be small claims however. We're speaking of well over 125K in my case, but just to see her have to be truthful in a court of law would be satisfaction and a small price to pay for her injurious actions. And frankly, I do take it personal because both JRT and my ex are responsible and adult to have done things different. Neither of them is a 3 year old. Give her heck JRT.
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JRT
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« Reply #99 on: August 24, 2015, 01:44:41 PM »

JRT,

I have no dog in this fight. But you and I have shared a very similar breakup quite different than many on this site. Both of our exes gave us no indication they were having some sort of internal angst to the point that they'd run off with absolutely ZERO explanation, and then proceeded to scape goat us for their behavior. I won't go into what happend in my case, I have plenty of posts for anyone who cares to read it before casting judgement on my OR JRTs actions.

But JRT also didn't state in his original post that his ex over the course of the last 7 months has REPEATEDLY called him and hung up on both him and his daughter, who was also affected by his ex's actions. She also stalked him on Facebook, and given every opportunity by JRT to pick up belongings of hers that included mementos of her son's childhood, she ignored him, did not say a word, did not respond. And yet after that she continued her vigel of silent phone calls. My ex has done the same. Since last September, at least every other week I received silent hang up calls. I don't Facebook, but she has checked my LinkedIn page. And all I can ask is why?

Both JRT and I have wanted to have contact with our exes, to get some sort of resolution, even idea behind their actions. Everyone on this site asks "to what end?" I'll tell you to what end, to have some peace of mind. Our exes have gone on with their lives as if we never existed. Btw I was with my ex almost 10 YEARS. A decade of my life that now has nothing to show for it.

His ex could have ended this for JRT back last Fall, when he simply asked her what happened? She was his fiancé. She had just moved in. All she had to say was "I didn't like you, you leave hair in the drain, it's Friday." No, she chose to involve the police. I understand everyone here wants to equate a BPD as a 3 year old. I wasn't dating a 3 year old, nor was JRT. These are adult women. Women who are in their mid 40s with professional careers and with children. I had no idea what BPD was until 3 months after my ex left. 3 months of pure hell wondering why my life was in the state it was in and my ex is having the time of her life with some new person and his friends who she could care less about.

So really the simple answer, at least for me, is this is nothing but purely a power struggle between her strong will and JRT regaining his. She could have ended this whole matter simply by opening her mouth. It would have let JRT move on, but clearly she wanted out, not for him to be able to move on and heal or she wouldn't have kept calling him and not saying anything. Now she will have no choice but to open her mouth.  Frankly, from what I know of the matter and like my ex, it's amazing how shut up they've both been after their actions when they abandoned us than they ever were Inside the relationship.

If I really wanted to, I would go after my ex and relish watching her squirm. It wouldn't be small claims however. We're speaking of well over 125K in my case, but just to see her have to be truthful in a court of law would be satisfaction and a small price to pay for her injurious actions. And frankly, I do take it personal because both JRT and my ex are responsible and adult to have done things different. Neither of them is a 3 year old. Give her heck JRT.

Its nice to know when someone understands and understands so fully... .you are a class act SitN... .big and eternal hugs to you!
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KateCat
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« Reply #100 on: August 24, 2015, 02:17:56 PM »

I can't readily think of any way this small claims action could backfire on you that would be truly damaging. (Anyone else?)

On the other hand, your ex is probably a persuasive blamer; is on her third or fourth rodeo when it comes to broken engagements; police have been involved in your relationship breakdown; and if a property law attorney actually shows up to represent her, that individual will know a thing or two about contracts and might be irritated enough at being forced to participate in this case to use some of them to make you look not so appealing.

It could be an emotionally trying ten or fifteen minutes. But maybe that's what you're seeking--a forum of that type, rather than this type. And maybe you can let go after that.

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« Reply #101 on: August 24, 2015, 02:23:20 PM »

I can't readily think of any way this small claims action could backfire on you that would be truly damaging. (Anyone else?)

On the other hand, your ex is probably a persuasive blamer absolutely; is on her third or fourth rodeo when it comes to broken engagements she was married to her best friend of 10 years, for 8 months; police have been involved in your relationship breakdown not really, no; they jsut made a phone call... .there is nothing on record and nothing legally actionable jsut her running into the PD saying 'he won't stop talking to me'; and if a property law attorney actually shows up to represent her she simply doesn't have the money, that individual will know a thing or two about contracts and might be irritated enough at being forced to participate in this case to use some of them to make you look not so appealing. there is really nothing defensible according to my attorney... .no marriage = give back the ring, period

It could be an emotionally trying ten or fifteen minutes. But maybe that's what you're seeking--a forum of that type, rather than this type. And maybe you can let go after that. yes, this will be enormous to me

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Mutt
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« Reply #102 on: August 24, 2015, 02:51:05 PM »

Hi JRT,

You broke up a year ago? Why do this now?

Good question Mutt.

There is something about me, maybe a character flaw, where I retain hope... .that effectively all things will work out if you put forth the right effort, God willing and that you exhaust all possibilities along the way in the effort to making them right. I respected her space over the course of the last year and hoped that during that period, she would have tempered her position enough to at least have a conversation. There are many dynamics to what I thought, felt and observed (including her electronic stalking and some new hijnks that I suspect) during this period but there was a diminishing part of me that wanted her back and the life we had before. I was patient in this way for almost a year... .I felt earlier in the month that it was time to put forth the final efforts for my peace of mind.

As I referred to during this epic thread, the interaction with the cops and attorney -knowing that they had no legal standing, where she had gone to them as a penniless emotional beggar with absolutely nothing from a legal perspective to effect her will against me (or maybe she just wanted them to warn me only, dunno); having nothing more than a childish 'tell him to stop talking to me' premise really made something snap in me on an almost immediately. That power that has come up over and over again her was gone instantaneously. I no longer see her as a bigger than life monster with power over me; I want but she does not give... .won't even talk. Now I see her as small, pathetic, tragicomic.

We are all different and walk a separate path to everything in life. I am surprised that this was so controversial to so many.  

I completely understand the frustration. If you wanted an opportunity to talk to her after waiting a year and you take her to court, you may very well be burning your bridges. You also have one more year until the statutes of limitations runs out.
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JRT
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« Reply #103 on: August 24, 2015, 02:56:17 PM »

Hi JRT,

You broke up a year ago? Why do this now?

Good question Mutt.

There is something about me, maybe a character flaw, where I retain hope... .that effectively all things will work out if you put forth the right effort, God willing and that you exhaust all possibilities along the way in the effort to making them right. I respected her space over the course of the last year and hoped that during that period, she would have tempered her position enough to at least have a conversation. There are many dynamics to what I thought, felt and observed (including her electronic stalking and some new hijnks that I suspect) during this period but there was a diminishing part of me that wanted her back and the life we had before. I was patient in this way for almost a year... .I felt earlier in the month that it was time to put forth the final efforts for my peace of mind.

As I referred to during this epic thread, the interaction with the cops and attorney -knowing that they had no legal standing, where she had gone to them as a penniless emotional beggar with absolutely nothing from a legal perspective to effect her will against me (or maybe she just wanted them to warn me only, dunno); having nothing more than a childish 'tell him to stop talking to me' premise really made something snap in me on an almost immediately. That power that has come up over and over again her was gone instantaneously. I no longer see her as a bigger than life monster with power over me; I want but she does not give... .won't even talk. Now I see her as small, pathetic, tragicomic.

We are all different and walk a separate path to everything in life. I am surprised that this was so controversial to so many.  

I completely understand the frustration. If you wanted an opportunity to talk to her after waiting a year and you take her to court, you may very well be burning your bridges. You also have one more year until the statutes of limitations runs out.

I considered that Mutt... .I considered waiting a million years... .but the I am not a spring chicken and even waiting this long for her to mellow out enough to at least talk proved to have little success... .my approach for the past several months was to move forward and find someone new, but if she should reappear and make a commitment to therapy and some other criteria, that I would be willing to think about things. With her reaction being what it was, it seems like if anything, she is perhaps even worse and less willing (how did I become MORE black?). Hence, I am not really very concerned about burned bridges... .I'm just done. I want my things back and to see her in the rear view mirror.
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JRT
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« Reply #104 on: August 24, 2015, 05:46:34 PM »

A quick update to this post. My ExBPD fiance responded to the suit in this way:

-using a anonymizing texting up to text a friend that she believes to be a romantic interest and fish for information

-demanding that the last 4 people that I had a common connection with on FB not only unfriend me, but block me (they were inactive FB users). To even know who is still connected required a level of committed cyberstalking to review my friends list, go through eacvh and every name and see who is still connected and then make an appeal to them to block me (1,200 people) OUCH!

-I also suspect that she has found me on BPD family and has harassed myself and another member.

I was wondering what would happen when the power gets taken away... .
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Beach_Babe
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« Reply #105 on: August 24, 2015, 06:21:08 PM »

How do you know it was your ex harassing your friend JRT?

My ex has kept me feeling terrorized with NC for almost 5 months now... .and that's exactly how he likes it. He and only he runs the show, and I haven't dared break the silence. In doing so I have given him power and as a result  he frolicks around happily while I have nightmares. Whatever works man, good for you for taking your power back.
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JRT
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« Reply #106 on: August 24, 2015, 06:29:42 PM »

How do you know it was your ex harassing your friend JRT?

My ex has kept me feeling terrorized with NC for almost 5 months now... .and that's exactly how he likes it. He and only he runs the show. In doing so I have given him power and as a result  he frolicks around happily while I have nightmares. Whatever works man, good for you for taking your power back.

\

There as sometimes things that are highly coincidental though we might think otherwise... .when there are multiple or many such coincidences, it becomes too hard to ignore as only coincidental.

Are you going to try to reach out to yours? Might be time to revoke his power.
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« Reply #107 on: August 24, 2015, 06:35:59 PM »

Maybe. If/when I'm at the point I can handle the consequence of violating "King NPD's" will. How dare you defy me Beach_babe. I am a malignant narcissist, king of the WORLD. Now I will punish you. Lol. "Know your place w***e" was a common refrain of his along with with being abused during the course of our relationship. He's actually terrified me to a point I'm

afraid of being in his area for a business trip. At what point does it stop?
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JRT
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« Reply #108 on: August 24, 2015, 06:39:48 PM »

Maybe. If/when I'm at the point I can handle the consequence of violating "King NPD's" will. How dare you defy me Beach_babe. I am a malignant narcissist, king of the WORLD. Now I will punish you. Lol

Ha!
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« Reply #109 on: August 24, 2015, 06:47:07 PM »

I'm not knocking BPDs. My own mother is one, and I KNOW without doubt they have empathy and feelings. Most of them feel very ashamed, and do hurt. NPD'S are a whole different animal. They absolutely delight in seeing people hurt. I have empathy for BPDs. NPD/ASPD not so much.
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« Reply #110 on: August 24, 2015, 07:02:16 PM »

 Look it no one else here will say it I will.

Being vindictive is never good. vindictive? Its my property.  You're only going to prove that she is right to get away from you anyway she can. You're on a mission to do nothing but prove to yourself you have some type of power or control when you clearly don't well, i got her to answer a summons didn't I? . How could you? You don't even have control over your own thoughts hmmmm, why do you think this? ? . You're clearly consumed still because of the lengths you're going to. ibid

For what? A ring? Power? Control? YES! I have said this over and over on this thread. Is that unhealthy? I hope not.  This sounds like a real life drama of The Lord of the Rings.

 She has more power over you than you'll ever admit. How so? This is about my property and her ownership of what she has done. Please explain why the alternative of taking it on the chin and 'respecting her boundaries' is preferable.  Every time you think about a reason on how you're right or justified is just an other second wasted. Look in the mirror, bud. She's winning and you're letting her.

 

Not because she has the ring. She's wrong too for keeping it. But it sounds to me like you were very use to having some type of power or control, and she turned the tables on you. To assert this, you would need insight into my 2 year relationship... .right?

In my opinion? She's probably smiling deep inside while getting whatever payback she can in the mean time. For every time she didn't stand up to you during your relationship. For every preconceived slight you did. This is HER way of getting power over you. This is her way of standing up. This is highly speculative... .do you think that she might have asserted her power over me by saying no to 'will you marry me?' or not making a decision to move first closer to where I live then into my house? It seems that you have draw the conclusion that she was somehow abused or victimized. Can you share how you came to this conclusion?

Is it possible for you to provide your perspective on her extreme behaviors?


I think you both are wrong. I'm also not nearly as nice as some other people here, though. I'm just blunt. I won't talk in the terms used here. I'm not on anyone's side.

Look in the mirror, mate. Seriously.

You're definitely out to be vindictive. I'm like that too. I have to struggle hard to reel it in. I don't see anything in your post though that you even realize it. That's what's scary to me. Woman turn spiteful and men turn vindictive.

My point was. You're so caught up on this, and tied up emotionally that you're blinded by any type of retribution.

Yes I do think you had a lot of power in your relationship. You seem like you just have a "powerful persona". I doubt you knew you were stepping over her, while doing it. She probably never told you, and went along with it. But inside she was probably building up resentment.

Why do you think she left like she did? Without a word, honestly? Maybe she knew how you'd react? Its obvious why - she was scared. She couldn't handle it. I think she knew how you'd become, and wanted to get away without a confrontation... .Would you have just accepted a break up, without a battle? No, of course not.

 She sounds like a weak willed person, and you're being a bully in a way. Just like all bullies it stems from being hurt. Just because you can step on someone doesn't mean you should. Be a man and stop lowering yourself to her level. She's obviously a weak person who can't stand up for herself. I'm sure she would have done it. So why push her around just because you can?

This is a power struggle and you're losing it. The most you'll get is a hallow victory, worth nothing. Any good memories that ring might have meant are now ruined. That thing might as well be a cursed item, symbolizing your infinite cycle of resentment, dissapointment, betrayal, and rage.

Truth is you lost the war a long time ago. You just don't see it yet. Hey but what do I know? I'm just a random guy online.

Anyways good luck mate. I'm just serious when I say this drive you have is not going to lead anywhere good. You're on the warpath. Where's it leading too? Are you going to keep it in your pocket, whispering "my precious" .

PS: She is wrong, and I'm not defending her. I'm just saying maybe you should be THE man, take the hit. Then get up and move forward with YOUR life, and live as best you can without ever thinking of her again... .THAT will bend only way you regain real power over her.

If you actually get the ring? Toss it in the nearest volcano.

PSS: If I sound rude? It's just because people have been prancing around this for 100 plus replies and maybe a direct approach will work.

Because I DO understand completely. I've been there and react the same way. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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« Reply #111 on: August 24, 2015, 07:13:07 PM »

Scorpio: any nearby volcanos where you live? Love that. Yeah truth be told reaching out would probably give them even more power. It's a great fantasy though. In my case I will have no job if I say "no" to the business trip; I figure I better have a plan ready just in case the worst happens, he sees me and all hell breaks loose. Not to hijack JRT but any suggestions how to handle ? Tired of being afraid.
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« Reply #112 on: August 24, 2015, 07:34:48 PM »

using a anonymizing texting up to text a friend that she believes to be a romantic interest and fish for information

-demanding that the last 4 people that I had a common connection with on FB not only unfriend me, but block me (they were inactive FB users). To even know who is still connected required a level of committed cyberstalking to review my friends list, go through eacvh and every name and see who is still connected and then make an appeal to them to block me

------Her texting your friend who she thinks is a girlfriend sounds like jealousy--is that correct?

------Trying to get mutual friends to block you could also be jealousy, or could be her trying to be possessive of people and not want to "share" them with you... .or is it something else?

Shatra

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« Reply #113 on: August 24, 2015, 07:57:00 PM »

If his ex is doing those things, really,  is she letting go either?
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« Reply #114 on: August 24, 2015, 08:21:13 PM »

there is a basic part of every romantic relationship that is referred to as "the power struggle", and its inevitable, its healthy, and its also where plenty of relationships die.

we are on the leaving board, which indicates our relationship is over. which means there is no longer a struggle for power. to continue to try to "take our power back" is to maintain an attachment, something we have all struggled with, but it is not detachment.

just a thought.
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
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« Reply #115 on: August 24, 2015, 11:37:16 PM »

using a anonymizing texting up to text a friend that she believes to be a romantic interest and fish for information

-demanding that the last 4 people that I had a common connection with on FB not only unfriend me, but block me (they were inactive FB users). To even know who is still connected required a level of committed cyberstalking to review my friends list, go through eacvh and every name and see who is still connected and then make an appeal to them to block me

------Her texting your friend who she thinks is a girlfriend sounds like jealousy--is that correct?

------Trying to get mutual friends to block you could also be jealousy, or could be her trying to be possessive of people and not want to "share" them with you... .or is it something else?

Shatra

Good question ... .it sure seems to indicate to me that she doesn't consider it over... .wouldn't her indifference be an indication of that?

She had already unfreinded all of my friends months ago and had, somehow, compelled most of her family and friends to do it as well. I wonder if this is some form of return volley? Anger... .a small token of it but about as much as she COULD do.
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« Reply #116 on: August 24, 2015, 11:38:57 PM »

If his ex is doing those things, really,  is she letting go either?

I have to say that I wonder especially when she makes silent calls and texts friends and such. This later is a confirmation that she established and kept a dummy FB account for the ostensible purpose of stalking me I caught her in January and I guess that I caught her now.
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« Reply #117 on: August 24, 2015, 11:41:01 PM »

there is a basic part of every romantic relationship that is referred to as "the power struggle", and its inevitable, its healthy, and its also where plenty of relationships die.

we are on the leaving board, which indicates our relationship is over. which means there is no longer a struggle for power. to continue to try to "take our power back" is to maintain an attachment, something we have all struggled with, but it is not detachment.

just a thought.

The power is that of my own... .a feeling of violation... .a restoration to a feeling of empowerment (plus I want my stuff back). I don't feel that it is an indication of a lack of detachment.
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« Reply #118 on: August 25, 2015, 12:00:09 AM »

[/quote]
Since this post really does not at all relate to the OP, I am not going to respond directly other than to thank you for your thoughts. I also want to indicate that I will likely not throw the ring into a volcano once I have it returned and will keep it in a place I have not yet determined.
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« Reply #119 on: August 25, 2015, 12:13:48 AM »

JRT, haven't you learned anything Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). A narcissist goes silent for punishment. A borderline is always the VICTIM. You're the bad guy. Think about it. Two reasons why she disappeared, she is the VICTIM. Or she is punishing You.
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In the eye for an eye game, he who cares least, wins. I, for one. am never stepping into the ring with someone who is impulsive and doesn't think of the downstream consequences.
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