What on earth am I doing?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I truly don't know what on earth I am doing. all the good advice and help from here, everything I have read, all that I now know about BPD, and I am still allowing myself to be walked all over? I am intelligent, though one would never think so. Why am I allowing this to happen. Why cant I make the right choice and walk away. He doesn't even want me anymore, only as a friend? He has not put his arms around me, won't, for weeks. we eat and spend every evening together either his house or mine. we sleep in the same bed, his or mine. Never a body part touching. We text during the day, no kisses, not like there used to be. I have told him constantly I cant go on like this, he ignores it and I let him. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?. I have gone from suicidal unhappiness, oh yes, I seriously considered it all the while knowing in the back of my mind how wrong it would be. In all honesty one of the reasons I didn't is because I didn't want him to be able to say he was right, that I am the mentally ill one. How bad is that, you know maybe I am? My behaviour isn't normal is it? All my plans, moving away, looking at houses, all come to nothing, I just stay here dithering about choices. It's not even as if I don't know that it all only has one end result. What, am I waiting for my prayers to be answered. They go on the lines of "please help his mind to heal so that we can love again" "please let him love me like he did and not care about the age difference" Countless impossible prayers. Everyday I struggle through, breaking down in tears constantly yet waiting for him to come home from work to continue this loveless affectionless travesty of life. I hide my tears with make up and carry on. WHY, FOR GODS SAKE WHY.

[Sadly]

I truly don't know what on earth I am doing. all the good advice and help from here, everything I have read, all that I now know about BPD, and I am still allowing myself to be walked all over? I am intelligent, though one would never think so. Why am I allowing this to happen. Why cant I make the right choice and walk away. He doesn't even want me anymore, only as a friend? He has not put his arms around me, won't, for weeks. we eat and spend every evening together either his house or mine. we sleep in the same bed, his or mine. Never a body part touching. We text during the day, no kisses, not like there used to be. I have told him constantly I cant go on like this, he ignores it and I let him. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?. I have gone from suicidal unhappiness, oh yes, I seriously considered it all the while knowing in the back of my mind how wrong it would be. In all honesty one of the reasons I didn't is because I didn't want him to be able to say he was right, that I am the mentally ill one. How bad is that, you know maybe I am? My behaviour isn't normal is it? All my plans, moving away, looking at houses, all come to nothing, I just stay here dithering about choices. It's not even as if I don't know that it all only has one end result. What, am I waiting for my prayers to be answered. They go on the lines of "please help his mind to heal so that we can love again" "please let him love me like he did and not care about the age difference" Countless impossible prayers. Everyday I struggle through, breaking down in tears constantly yet waiting for him to come home from work to continue this loveless affectionless travesty of life. I hide my tears with make up and carry on. WHY, FOR GODS SAKE WHY.

[Michelle27]

I can totally understand.  I have been so angry at myself for a long time when I finally understood the behaviors that I allowed and even made excuses for for so many years.  I am intelligent too, with 2 bachelor's degrees and a 20 plus year successful career and the realization that this smart woman put up with all of this crap was very hard to swallow (still is).  What I now realize (with the help of a lot of self help books and a therapist) is that I needed to forgive myself in order to move forward.  Without that, my anger gets misdirected at my BPD ex (even if I don't do anything with the anger) and that's not healthy to hold onto either. 

When I finally got to the point of NC with my ex and moved forward with my life, things started to change for me.  I truly feel the healing and the clarity with looking at what I allowed and then of course what I won't ever allow in my life again.

[OnceConfused]

sadly:

Reading books, going to Therapy, going on the different disc boards only serve as BEACONS of light for you for the right direction. But you, the captain of your own ship, must decide to steer away from the rocks or not. Reading thousands of books will make you a librarian, but applying what you read will make you an innovator, a president, a doctor or an engineer.

You are asking the right question, WHY ? but it seems to me you have not or at least it seems avoided the right answers, which are already in you.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step. What is your first step? 

[sas1729]

Hey,

I'm going to try to offer a tough perspective by being tough on my own past. So it's by proxy that I'll try to communicate what I mean. Of course, this is just my own experience, and it may not apply to your case. Still, it may be food for thought.

I was with my BPDex for 2.5 years. It started great, but within six months there were problems. By the second year things were going downhill. I'm sure people on this forum can relate. I'm more interested in discussing why I didn't leave. I was scared. I was scared to face the world alone. Why? I think the simplified view of the situation is that I had two main problems. The first was that I simply lacked the self-confidence to face the world alone. I was in many ways inexperienced. My BPDex was a lot of firsts for me, and that did hold some sentimental value. Still, in reality that shouldn't have been a reason to stay. Lacking self-confidence meant that I was easily molded into what I needed to be in order to try to please my BPDex. This leads me to my second problem.

I was a shell of my former self in terms of personality. My BPDex essentially molded me into what she wanted. My needs were ignored, but I continued to ignore them too for the sake of keeping my BPDex happy. If she was happy then I could stay in the relationship, and the burden of facing the world and gaining self-confidence could be postponed another day. Days became months and months became 2.5 years.

Ultimately it ended partly because I finally got the courage to stand up for myself and partly because I simply could not go on. I like to think that it was all through courage that I left the relationship, but in truth it was partly desperation. I could no longer continue in that existence. But I had to get to some breaking point.

Ideally we can use our logic to overpower our fright. But fright is such a powerful response in us that logic is often pushed out of the picture. I was terrified of the world and would do anything to stay in my relationship. I stayed until my relationship became my world, so I had two forces working against me: the avoidance of the real world and the pull of my relationship. I would rather that I never needed to reach my breaking point; however, in my case I did. I don't think we all need to, though.

I hope that I explained my story well. I spent some time to understand why I didn't leave earlier, and this was my conclusion.

[patientandclear]

Sadly, are you wanting this to get better IN the r/ship? If so, have you solicited advice on the Staying board? The communications strategies taught there would be different than telling him you can't go on (but in fact undercutting your own words by going on).

It's tremendously important to decide where your no-go areas are and then to defend those with boundaries that are typically enforced more with actions than words. The people on Staying in similar situations who fare comparatively well seem to have matched their own actions to the definition of the r/ship offered by the pwBPD. If they say "friends," then, oh well! No sleeping in the same bed, no spending every night and day together ... .Don't give the trappings of a r/ship when they are denying there is one.

It calls the bluff of the pwBPD. There are consequences of their actions. They may not like them. If not, they can change their actions.

Ideally you will also have explained your basically positive orientation toward the pwBPD and made clear that your actions are not what you would choose yourself, but, hey--you aren't going to exceed what they are saying is their limit.

Taking these positions is hard if you are taking his actions personally as a rejection. These actions hinge on a positive self regard and self love. I know it's super hard not to personalize and not to feel rejected. But hopefully these boards have shown you how very much this is not about you or your worth. It is up to you to value yourself and not allow yourself to be treated poorly. You are in control of that.

Then allow him to react to your practices of self regard and self respect. I doubt it will get worse than what you're experiencing now.

[Sadly]

thank you all. I was when I first met him a very confident person. I believe he was attracted to this. Of course I had my issues from childhood and my past but I was in a good if rather lonely place. I hadn't been in a relationship for many years but didn't worry, I am quite self sufficient. Of course I used to watch people loving, holding hands down the road and want it some times for me but I was ok with everything. work, interests, few but close friends. I remember asking my mum, please mum, if your up there watching over me, please send me someone to love and love me, let me experience this again before I die. Be very careful for what you wish for. I was ripe and ready to let this man in to my lonely life. Bang, that was it, 8 weeks of poor unadulterated happiness and 8 months of misery and hell beyond belief. I have been broken into a million pieces and lost all belief in myself. I have become a puppet and am allowing the strings to be pulled on a daily basis and I cannot seem to get out. He wants this odd relationship now. To spend most of our time together, eat sleep and play but no love, no touching or kissing, nothing. I see how it suits him as he would be lonely otherwise. He cannot/will not see my confusion and unhappiness or if he when he does it irritates him. I actually asked him on Friday evening " will we ever get back together again" His immediate answer was " I don't think so no" followed by "I just don't know" Then he got angry and told me I was spoiling our evening. Later when we where watching a film he was caustic and sarcastic and quite angry. I did tell him not to talk to me like that and he shut up but the evening wasn't good after that and he got drunk and spent the night on my sofa, didn't come to bed at all. Last night we had a barbecue and a nice evening. We got up at 4.am and sat watching the sun rise. I had to come home. it was breaking my heart looking at him, thinking his arms will never hold me, he will never look at me with love in his eyes. I cant bear it. Even knowing I had to get away before he saw my tears and got angry again I am teetering on the abyss of despair and am so afraid. I cant stand this hurt so why do I not run right away. Sometimes I look at him and hate him. I know there is only me that can end this but I seem incapable. I don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do.

[Suzn]

I have seen him cry over his 17 year son who cuts himself and has I believe antisocial disorders; who he is estranged from and is not allowed to see, however he would soon push me and my comfort away. His favourite saying used to be "it doesn't matter". He once admitted to me that he didnt mean it, of course things matter, it was the only way he had of dealing with it. That was a huge admission from him, even though I already knew it I never said so. He doesn't make any sort of admissions now though. He doesn't trust me, calls me a liar, all that stuff.

Sadly, I see two people who are struggling with profound pain. Correct me if I'm wrong.

It doesn't seem he is capable of letting anyone close as he doesn't know how to cope and reach out for help with the pain he is struggling with. Does that sound accurate?

The difference between you two is that you have reached out. You reached out to a support group. This is a solid first step to finding answers. Have you ever heard of putting the oxygen mask on yourself fist? Sometimes the only way to help someone else is to reach out for help for ourselves first. We can set an example to follow. Otherwise, we continue in a place where no one gets the help they need. If he were to see you working towards getting help for your past he may find the strength to do the same himself. Does this sound reasonable?

Have you heard from your doctor in regards to a therapist?

I also agree with posting your story on the Staying board as these members understand your struggle and can offer their experiences in the communication skills necessary to not make things worse. You can read about those skills also by clicking on the links located on the upper right side of that board.

[Sadly]

Thank you, you are exactly right on all counts. It is so difficult loving him to know that he will never do this. He just cannot accept he has any sort of problem, I have just had little peeps and insight into his turmoil when he drops his guard which is rare. It sounds very reasonable but I can tell you that if I let him know that I was reaching out to get help he would take it as even more an admission that the all the fault lay with me. I cannot help him, its heartbreaking. My therapy doen't start for another two weeks! The two types of antidepressants made me sick, anxious and suicidal so I stopped. I have just new posted what happened to me today. God I feel sick and I am so so very tired.

[Suzn]

It is so difficult loving him to know that he will never do this. He just cannot accept he has any sort of problem, I have just had little peeps and insight into his turmoil when he drops his guard which is rare.

I can see where it would seem he will never do this. We don't know that. If he drops his guard occasionally, even if it's rare, then there's a chance. Our recovery can't depend on whether or not someone else finds the strength to look into their own recovery. As hard as it is, we won't know if we don't give it a solid chance.

It sounds very reasonable but I can tell you that if I let him know that I was reaching out to get help he would take it as even more an admission that the all the fault lay with me.

Well, ya know, ok, let him blame you. You know the truth, you are living it. It's ok to let him think what he wants to think. We can't control what someone else thinks. It's your choice to keep your recovery to yourself although another option is being open about the current situation, to no longer hide the fact that it is sucking you deep into depths of despair. His sadness and yours is a toxic mix for you. One of you has to come up for air first.

I cannot help him, its heartbreaking. My therapy doen't start for another two weeks!

If you are going to remain in this relationship as it is right now you can help not making things worse. I'm glad to hear you have an appointment. That's awesome!

God I feel sick and I am so so very tired.

Look at how far you've come. It is not at all shocking that you are tired and emotionally depleted from everything you've shared. Hang in there, you can dive into the lessons here during your two week wait. It would be a good and healthy distraction for the time being. What do you think?

[Sadly]

This is very true, I don't know and would love for it to happen. Maybe I could mention it although I dont know right now. I am so exhausted and broken. It doesn't really matter if he thinks it is all my fault, I know the truth of it as you say. I think it is a great idea,  I have done huge amounts of reading and am also learning a lot about myself in the process, this board and you guys are phenomenal. Think i spelt that wrong but too tired to check. There have been more goings on today, another post, and I know I cannot stay, am dealing with so much my head is exploding. You are amazing though, thank you.xx

[patientandclear]

Sadly, I'm going to post on your other thread. Please read there.

[Suzn]

I see you have decided to go no contact after this morning.    It's a hard and courageous decision to make, sometimes a very necessary decision to get an emotional foothold. It's really good to remind yourself this is a tool, that it doesn't have to last forever. You may decide that ii is necessary forever. My point is, that we can get lost in thinking in forever terms and add to our own abandonment fears.

It may be helpful to look at this in terms of for right now. For right now I need distance to get a foothold on the emotions that are overwhelming me. Make sense?

Deep breathing will help, I don't mean just one or two. Sitting for 10 to 20 minutes focusing on deep breathing will help you get through this difficult part. It actually helps open the logical side of our brains when there is emotional overload.

If you have decided on NC for now, bringing up what your plans are for recovery are yours alone if you chose so. He will likely go through his own fears of abandonment as he has relied on you being there. Him continuing to contact you after you have told him you cannot have contact, that you need some space, is yet another line he has crossed, don't mistake this as a sign of change. He is still the same person he was yesterday. If you want to tell him and resume contact do post on the Staying board for help.

Get you on track first. The future will be there tomorrow. It always is.