It will get better-2 years since my BPD r/s ended

[Caredverymuch]

I haven't been on this site for quite a while and I would like to offer the following to encourage everyone who is on this board.  This site was instrumental in helping me recover from the devastation of a BPD encounter.  It's difficult to call it a r/s bc I feel I was the only partner who saw it as a r/s.  R/s have a continuum or they have an ending. My ex pBPD threw me away.  Abandoned me.  Right in the middle of love. The very same story as so many on this board recant.  Just up and left one day. And never looked back. That is a very special kind of abuse and incredibly devastating. 

You will recover.

It's been roughly 2 years since this occurred.  In total clarity, this was the most devastating experience of my entire life.  I can truthfully say I cannot imagine experiencing that depth of pain and trauma ever again.  Just immense devastation and immense grief.  Confusion, continually. Tears.

I would wake in the middle of the night on the nights I actually could sleep and my pillow would be entirely soaked in tears.  I lost weight. I couldn't eat. I became isolated and would drive to remote places and weep and bellow and beg to know why this was happening.  I lost my heart. I lost part of my mind. Numb.  I lost a great deal of hair.  I lost any sense of pride and belief in myself.  I lost trust.

I lost the person I loved with all of  my being. 

The one thing I did not lose was a tiny bit of inner strength that remained nurtured and encouraged and continually supported by the good, good ppl here that kept pulling me up when I fell.  Kept pulling me further and further to the top of the rabbit hole. Until I could finally step out and walk away.  And never look back.

This will happen for you too.  If you keep doing your work.

You never fully know who you are until you are left fully alone.

I fully know who I am now.  And I fully understand why this encounter occurred.  Why I ignored the red flags.  Why I clung to my expBPD despite the devaluations and discards.  Why I begged and begged for an explanation.  Why I continually believed things would change.  Bc it all made so little sense to the heart. 

And, it doesn't make sense.  Truly. It makes no sense that love would be as warm and as true as it could ever be between two ppl and one partner just up and walks away. Runs away. And, for more added abuse, acts as if they never knew you when you do encounter one another.

I had to tell myself repeatedly through my recovery.  "Give the disorder back."  Once I understood the disorder, I chose to give it back.  I chose to believe every post on this board that spoke to remaining NC.  I chose to continually tell myself and many others here. Not one post about breaking NC resulted in a better outcome.  If I had found even one post to speak otherwise here I would have taken that odd and believed I could surpass it.  Every time I broke NC, it broke my heart more and more. And hindered my recovery.

Please believe the good ppl here if you are working through the journey to full detachment and freedom.

DO NOT BREAK NC.

I would also like to encourage everyone to know that a truly good r/s can happen for you. But you must do your work. Or you risk the very unfortunate chance that you not only will attract another disordered partner... .but you may be attracted to yet another disordered partner as well.  And the circle continues. 

No one is perfect.  We all have our baggage. Understanding mine was instrumental.  Where else has I felt abandoned? Where else had I felt I needed to care give and continually accept less than full respect?  Where else had I felt I needed to keep pleasing for "love" while ignoring my own value? Where else had I felt "less than"?

I understand those questions now. 

I spent a great deal of time electively alone to work on me.

2 plus years later I will say that I still tear up when I actually let myself go deep in thought of my expBPD.  Bc... .I truly loved him. Disorder and all.  I loved him.  Not the disorder.  The person.  And I always will. 

But... .I love myself more.  More than anyone else on earth.  Me.  Before all else.

I am in a wonderful r/s now.  I can call it a r/s bc it is. Two ppl who care and are emotionally present.  Always.

I see red flags in every encounter of my life now.  I have firm boundaries.

I openly discuss my feelings with my partner and I will not accept any form of disrespect.

I give my partner the same respect.  We have a great r/s thats been continuing to grow slowly. Healthy. Over the course of the better part of the last year. 

I am not afraid of being alone and I live one day at a time.  I have no expectations and I have a full sense of joy and freedom.

I am enjoying my life with peace and ease and calm. And fun. 

I put no one before my self.  I give freely and I love. But, that begins with me.  Everyday.

Please know if you are reading this post.  You will be okay. You will recover from this devastation. 

Please do your work.  Please love yourself again.  Please know your value.  And know, no one... .no one... .gives you your value.  Only you do that.

And no one can take that away.  Unless you can let them do that. When you know better, you do better.

I am sending each one of you warm hugs on your journey to freedom.  Fall 5 times but get up 6. You will climb  out of that rabbit hole.  And never go back.

Thank you to all my friends here who helped me do just the same.

CVM

[Remiman]

Thanks for the words of strength. I hover between NC and trying to peel back the outer damaged layers of the onion to get to the good bit underneath. I Hope I'll be strong enough to do what needs to be done but at the moment I'm not

[soar]

Thank you for your words of inspiration. It's really valuable.

Could you speak to me about your certainty over remaining NC. I'm currently very torn which is causing me a lot of distress atm and I'm 3 years out of the relationship. Things have been horrible for me, my ex went to the police for harassment around the break up (I wasn't charged or anything). So I couldn't contact her then. Afterwards people kept avising me not to but I don't think I ever let go of the idea. Now just recently my ex unblocked me on facebook and also only a few months ago I discovered BPD. Before that I didn't have a clue. That's why I'm still in this state 3 years on I believe.

Anyway, I basically feel that I never got to tell my ex how much she hurt me because around the actual breakup I was trying desperately to get another chance (i.e. I was still very much in love). And I never got an opportunity to express my pain and disapointment. So yeah that's why I'm considering contacting because I just feel like I've never been heard and it eats me up inside. And I just can't stop going over things in my head.

I'm also great to hear about someone who has found a healthy relationship after the devastation of a BPD one.

[Herodias]

Thank you for that... .It does feel horrible for me 8 months out of an 8 year relationship and marriage. One sided as you say... .I have been in and out of contact which I can only say, because maybe I still want to control, in which I have none or maybe I like a bit of drama... .just not the extreme I had. I hope to be in your shoes soon... .So happy for you!

[balletomane]

Thank you so much for these words of encouragement. Often I feel as though I'm damaged for life, that I'll never be able to love anyone that way again, trust anyone again. I used to be such a trusting person and I laughed so easily. Not any more. I try to force myself back into the way I used to be, but I can't do it, and sometimes I don't even remember how I used to be. I feel so much anguish and near-despair sometimes that I'm tempted to break NC and write to my ex and let him know exactly how he hurt me. Then I stop and remind myself that during the relationship I had tried to communicate my feelings to him many times, but he never got it, never apologised for anything ever, and only got hostile instead of trying to see my point of view. I kept waiting for that magic moment when he would try to understand me in the way I always tried to understand him, but it didn't happen and one of the biggest hurdles in my grieving process has been accepting that it isn't going to happen. This affirmation that I'm doing the right thing in remaining NC could not have come at a better time.

My ex also threw me away, but he wanted to keep me on hand as a friend, as he said he didn't feel able to tell my replacement about his self-harm and he needed me to be there for him. It was a completely unreasonable and lopsided 'friendship' he was proposing - when I said that it hurt to lose him at such a critical time in my professional life, he said, "Well, I've had to spend most of my life alone. You'll get used to it." He nonchalantly told me to "get used" to being alone, but I was supposed to remain on hand for him whenever he needed me? This was the moment when I decided that enough was enough. Even though cutting contact was painful, it was empowering - he obviously thought I would be constantly available and obliging no matter what he did to me, and breaking contact was the first step to taking back myself.

Soar, I also struggle with the fact that I never got the chance to express my pain and grief over his behaviour at the end. But as I said, it's not as if our exes would understand what we were talking about even if we tried. They can't. It's just how they are. And we can express pain - just not to them. I have resumed my music lessons and I find that I can express myself through playing. Journals help, and talking to friends who can really listen. There are many ways. We are not stuck with this pain forever.

[SGraham]

Damn, i really needed that today. Thanks cvm

[Suspicious1]

CVM, you helped me so much when I joined here last summer. I remember we had very similar stories and we were having similar recovery experiences. I'm so glad to hear how much better things are for you now.

I was also doing very very well - I have a new healthy relationship with NONE of the nonsense, and I was moving forward in a very positive way, leaving the past behind. I've had a recent relapse which coincided with me stopping anti-depressants, and for a while I felt very much back at square one. I was considering getting in touch with my ex, wondering if I should reignite the relationship, wondering if I'd been wrong to walk away, etc etc etc.

I've kept my head down and sat it out, and I'm now getting back to the path I was on. I know, intellectually, that I won't get back with my ex and I know I'm happy I grasped my freedom. My head is still busily working it all out and re-doing the work I did last year, but it won't take as long this time and it's all going in the right direction. Posts like yours inspire me to keep going, especially as we did have such similar experiences and responses to them.

Onwards and upwards, my lovely!

xxxxx

[soar]

Thank you so much for these words of encouragement. Often I feel as though I'm damaged for life, that I'll never be able to love anyone that way again, trust anyone again. I used to be such a trusting person and I laughed so easily. Not any more. I try to force myself back into the way I used to be, but I can't do it, and sometimes I don't even remember how I used to be. I feel so much anguish and near-despair sometimes that I'm tempted to break NC and write to my ex and let him know exactly how he hurt me. Then I stop and remind myself that during the relationship I had tried to communicate my feelings to him many times, but he never got it, never apologised for anything ever, and only got hostile instead of trying to see my point of view. I kept waiting for that magic moment when he would try to understand me in the way I always tried to understand him, but it didn't happen and one of the biggest hurdles in my grieving process has been accepting that it isn't going to happen. This affirmation that I'm doing the right thing in remaining NC could not have come at a better time.

My ex also threw me away, but he wanted to keep me on hand as a friend, as he said he didn't feel able to tell my replacement about his self-harm and he needed me to be there for him. It was a completely unreasonable and lopsided 'friendship' he was proposing - when I said that it hurt to lose him at such a critical time in my professional life, he said, "Well, I've had to spend most of my life alone. You'll get used to it." He nonchalantly told me to "get used" to being alone, but I was supposed to remain on hand for him whenever he needed me? This was the moment when I decided that enough was enough. Even though cutting contact was painful, it was empowering - he obviously thought I would be constantly available and obliging no matter what he did to me, and breaking contact was the first step to taking back myself.

Soar, I also struggle with the fact that I never got the chance to express my pain and grief over his behaviour at the end. But as I said, it's not as if our exes would understand what we were talking about even if we tried. They can't. It's just how they are. And we can express pain - just not to them. I have resumed my music lessons and I find that I can express myself through playing. Journals help, and talking to friends who can really listen. There are many ways. We are not stuck with this pain forever.

It's good to hear about somebody who feels similarly to me. I mean that in the nicest way possible. I really struggle to not look at my own situation as 'different' because it's 3 years and I'm hurting so terribly. Worse than I've ever been because I'm torn, I don't know what's for the best. Would my ex really not understand "hello, the last 3, yes 3, years of my life has been a living nightmare".

When I ask the question on here most people say NC but some say something like... 'well it has been 3 years, maybe there is something you just need to say to her'. Like I say, I'm just so torn atm and feel very isolated because I am so far down the line but not at the same time.

[Caredverymuch]

CVM, you helped me so much when I joined here last summer. I remember we had very similar stories and we were having similar recovery experiences. I'm so glad to hear how much better things are for you now.

I was also doing very very well - I have a new healthy relationship with NONE of the nonsense, and I was moving forward in a very positive way, leaving the past behind. I've had a recent relapse which coincided with me stopping anti-depressants, and for a while I felt very much back at square one. I was considering getting in touch with my ex, wondering if I should reignite the relationship, wondering if I'd been wrong to walk away, etc etc etc.

I've kept my head down and sat it out, and I'm now getting back to the path I was on. I know, intellectually, that I won't get back with my ex and I know I'm happy I grasped my freedom. My head is still busily working it all out and re-doing the work I did last year, but it won't take as long this time and it's all going in the right direction. Posts like yours inspire me to keep going, especially as we did have such similar experiences and responses to them.

Onwards and upwards, my lovely!

xxxxx

susp, so nice to know how much we helped one another during such a difficult journey.  I  am glad to know things have gotten better for you as well.  None of this is easy and its an honest heart that understands near relapses.  Keep the strength and continue moving forward.  Its the only way to lasting freedom.

Hugs to you!

CVM

[Caredverymuch]

Thank you so much for these words of encouragement. Often I feel as though I'm damaged for life, that I'll never be able to love anyone that way again, trust anyone again. I used to be such a trusting person and I laughed so easily. Not any more. I try to force myself back into the way I used to be, but I can't do it, and sometimes I don't even remember how I used to be. I feel so much anguish and near-despair sometimes that I'm tempted to break NC and write to my ex and let him know exactly how he hurt me. Then I stop and remind myself that during the relationship I had tried to communicate my feelings to him many times, but he never got it, never apologised for anything ever, and only got hostile instead of trying to see my point of view. I kept waiting for that magic moment when he would try to understand me in the way I always tried to understand him, but it didn't happen and one of the biggest hurdles in my grieving process has been accepting that it isn't going to happen. This affirmation that I'm doing the right thing in remaining NC could not have come at a better time.

My ex also threw me away, but he wanted to keep me on hand as a friend, as he said he didn't feel able to tell my replacement about his self-harm and he needed me to be there for him. It was a completely unreasonable and lopsided 'friendship' he was proposing - when I said that it hurt to lose him at such a critical time in my professional life, he said, "Well, I've had to spend most of my life alone. You'll get used to it." He nonchalantly told me to "get used" to being alone, but I was supposed to remain on hand for him whenever he needed me? This was the moment when I decided that enough was enough. Even though cutting contact was painful, it was empowering - he obviously thought I would be constantly available and obliging no matter what he did to me, and breaking contact was the first step to taking back myself.

Soar, I also struggle with the fact that I never got the chance to express my pain and grief over his behaviour at the end. But as I said, it's not as if our exes would understand what we were talking about even if we tried. They can't. It's just how they are. And we can express pain - just not to them. I have resumed my music lessons and I find that I can express myself through playing. Journals help, and talking to friends who can really listen. There are many ways. We are not stuck with this pain forever.

It's good to hear about somebody who feels similarly to me. I mean that in the nicest way possible. I really struggle to not look at my own situation as 'different' because it's 3 years and I'm hurting so terribly. Worse than I've ever been because I'm torn, I don't know what's for the best. Would my ex really not understand "hello, the last 3, yes 3, years of my life has been a living nightmare".

When I ask the question on here most people say NC but some say something like... 'well it has been 3 years, maybe there is something you just need to say to her'. Like I say, I'm just so torn atm and feel very isolated because I am so far down the line but not at the same time.

Im answering the questions many on this thread are struggling with.  The disorder precludes the pBPD from fully realizing the agony we have/are enduring.  The splitting is a protective mechanism that allows them to distance us and to view us as split black.  Remember, its two spectrums: split white ie full good, split black ie all bad.  The in between gets less frequent with each d/d.

I believe, and I apologize in advance bc it is indeed quite hurtful, that they cannot empathize or every truly grasp the devastation we endured.   Why I would not advise reaching out for an attempt at closure or comfort. Keep working on yourselves, therapy, friends, family, here... .Keep working toward freedom and full detachment.

The disorder wins every time. Give it back.

Hugs to you all. We all know how hard this is. You will get through this. There is a better life. Visualize it and work on yourself.

[2014]

 CVM