My ex contacted me after almost a month. Do I respond?

[theoneone]

Hello, I know there is no easy answer to this, but I don't want to create more problems between her and I and I love her and would like some advice.

We have been separated for more than a month now. Things fell apart quickly and I tried to rekindle things between us, but during that time I found out she had found a sex buddy. That was one month ago. I have not contacted her for over a month. But last week out of the blue she sends me a text saying that she hates me, for me to go f*ck myself, and that I'm dead to her and she never wants to talk to me again. I did not respond to this. Then after a few more days she sends me another string of texts telling me her "final words to me" that she loves me and thinks I am wonderful and will always remember me as kind and loving and intelligent. Then she wishes me a good life.

I saw her only a day or two later at the bar and we gave each-other a hug but no words were exchanged between us the whole night and we kept our distance from each-other.

I am really struggling right now with closure. This all came crashing down so quickly and I am left confused. Do I respond to her texts to give her a warm goodbye? I do not want to get back together with this person. It is over. I can see that it is very unhealthy. Or i No Contact the best way to go? I don't want her to hate me, as I love her very much. We spent 3 years together. Is this really how it is going to end?

She is 27 and I am 29. She is still seeing her sex buddy as I saw him drop her off at the bar a few nights ago. He is almost 50 years old. Not that that matters, but my heart is broken that she "traded" me in for him and I am trying to make sense of it all. We seemed to have a good relationship for a long time but she started to become very deceitful and sneak around involving other men.

My main question is do I contact this girl to tell her some nice parting words? Or do I just let it rest and move on with No Contact. I do not want to crush this person's heart by ignoring her, but I also do not want to open up another can of worms. Thank you for any input. I am learning a lot about myself and the disorder.

[theoneone]

Also, I would like to say that we run in a similar circle of friends and live in a smallish town. So, run ins will happen. I would also like to think that one day we could sit down over coffee and talk and things would be ok. I really miss the conversations we would have as she is a bright individual with a lot of cool things to say and share. Basically, I want to take care of myself and heal from this mess but at the same time I am really hurt that she is telling me she does not want to speak to me again, ever. I think maybe she is just doing these texts to get a rise out of me? Or maybe she misses me and wants me to respond? It's maddening to go back and forth between loving someone so much and missing them, to really resenting them because of how hurtful they were. I have this girl idolized and I am addicted to her in a lot of ways. That is a big signal for me that I need to break away and focus on improving my own self esteem, as I obviously am wanting this girl around to make me feel better about myself.

I also struggle with the decision to leave this relationship for good, even though she might have no interest in getting back together. I KNOW logically that it is not good for me. Too many boundaries were crossed with no regards to my feelings and she refuses to help herself with her disorder even though she fully recognizes it and its destruction on herself and her relationships. But I have never in my life felt so loved and accepted as a human being. She seemed to love every part of me and we share a lot of similar interests, music, hobbies, ect. Is it worth putting up with BPD as to reap the rewards of loving and being loved in that way? I do not know. I am scared honestly that I will go the rest of my life without finding someone who treated me so well (at first) and that other women might actually bore me because I have been exposed to such treatment. Is this a common struggle?

[Mutt]

Hi theoneone,

But last week out of the blue she sends me a text saying that she hates me, for me to go f*ck myself, and that I'm dead to her and she never wants to talk to me again.

I'm sorry to hear that. A pwBPD have rigid and inflexible thought patterns and that can be hurtful to loved ones.

It's maddening to go back and forth between loving someone so much and missing them, to really resenting them because of how hurtful they were. I have this girl idolized and I am addicted to her in a lot of ways. That is a big signal for me that I need to break away and focus on improving my own self esteem, as I obviously am wanting this girl around to make me feel better about myself.

I don't think that there's a right or wrong. If you feel like giving her nice parting words, then we have that choice. I completely understand struggling with the decision to leave for good even though you have no interest in a romantic r/s.

We can make that decision further down the road in our healing and we don't have to decide everything at once? I think that self protection, self care, healing, detachment, self reflection helps and we can choose to leave for good or remain friends when we're a little further along in our detachment. We can always move the yardsticks around?