I got drawn back in, now I'm even more confused.

[Schermarhorn]

Warning, incoming novel. My ex is undiagnosed, so it is not 100% sure she has BPD. We had been broken up for 2 months with 1 month of NC, she got into another relationship for a month that ended.

About 2 weeks ago she started texting me from a different number asking if I would have an honest conversation with her. I did and she apologized about a lot of things and at that point she seemed to act like it was her fault. I apologized as well and we ended up texting back and forth for a week. She was cold, but we had some good conversations. No raging, no arguing.

I eventually ask what her intentions are with talking to me again, she said she wanted to just be friends and if it goes any further than so be it. She then asked if I wanted to be in a R/S with her. I told her I did, but taking things slow is a better option.

She started to mention that she is scared of me now and she doesn't trust me. That conversation went on until she said I was a bad person.

After that I blocked her, but I only lasted 24 hours. I ended up texting her telling her that I do want to be with her again, but I just don't want a repeat of what happened. She then starts to blame me for our relationship failing.

I'm then start getting drilled for all the bad things I had done in the relationship, some where valid, but she was exceptionally mad at me for saying something that I never said. I ended up apologizing through text, just for the sake of not starting a nuclear war.

She then goes on about the whole reason she wanted to talk to me was to answer my questions and that now that was over she didn't want anything else. Short after that she says we start from the beginning and wants to meet.

So we meet and it was extremely akward. She didn't talk much and I really didn't know what to say to her. As soon as we depart I receive a full on rage over text. Apparently she wanted another apology over what I didn't say.

I start to defend myself and tell her I will apologize the next time I see her. At this point I am receiving a full caps lock rage via text. I just don't even reply and 6 hours later she asks if I am going to stop talking to her or not.

We ended up meeting again and I apologized. I figured if she was this certain I said it, then she is actually hurt from it. It didn't fix the problem, she still kept talking about her not trusting me and that she is scared of me.

Me being a bit fed up, I tell her to decide if she wants to be in a relationship or if she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. She then replies that loving a newly adopted abused puppy will bite your hand off, and that you have to let it come to you and it will love you forever.

So now we are texting a little bit, and she is ignore some of my texts completely. She will barely text me, and she want text me back unless I am asking her a question. I don't know what she wants.

What could her intentions be? Why is she playing hard to get if she is the one that came back to me?

[DearBFF]

Sorry to hear about your troubles with you ex.  It sounds like she is not playing hard to get so to speak, but simply it's possibly BPD ebbs and flows.  Basically she needs you when no one else is there, or when things are going bad with someone else.  She starts to feel bad about herself, then she puts it on the other person.  Then she wants to feel good about herself again, to feel wanted/needed so she reaches out to someone who has made her feel like that in the past, lucky you.  Unfortunately, she is generally doing this because of what she needs at the time and is very rarely thinking about how it effects the other person; completely unintentionally by the way (what she needs/feels is so overwhelming others just don't come into focus very much).  So she may end a relationship with someone while she feels she may have you waiting in the wings, or she may want to rekindle things then be terrified it won't work out again and some forms of sabotage may play out.  It's like she both wants you and fears you at the same time, so it can feel like she is all there and she wants to be nowhere else, while at the same time she has one foot out the door and she can't run fast enough.  That is simply how it works sometimes... .

Her inner turmoil makes it hard for her to both know what she wants as well as fully deal with the adult ramifications of getting what she wants.  This means she can't sort out her emotions, or she needs someone to help her, however this generally will blow up in that person's face if she doesn't hear what she wants.  Plus if she hears what she wants and agrees fully, within a few hours, days, weeks, or months she could completely change her mind.  She is most likely fearful which is why she pushes you away, the push pull is common and frankly sucks but they know no other way.  They haven't learned to deal with long term, stable relationships because they may have never had one modeled for them.  They don't know how to have serious conversations, especially that deal with deep emotions which make them uncomfortable.  She needs emotional support, but not support that is suffocating which to us would be 24/7 contact and to them may be more like "I want to be with you."  It's very confusing I know, but that's the only way I can think to explain it.

With my BFF I know on one hand she can be completely predictable.  She's with me, she loves me, she's happy, she's upset, she won't talk about it, she pushes me away, and makes a big to do about pushing me out (either bit by bit with less and less contact or a clean break with no contact).  At this point in time it usually means she has a new guy in her life and it's been about a month or two.  Then she goes for a month or two with them, realizes they are starting to see her cracks, she starts to see theirs and they don't match up with the perfect image she had.  She knows I love and accept her no matter what, and she will always have a place in my life.  She reaches out, just before she's about to break it off with them partly to validate her decision and partly to have backup emotional support after the breakup.  Then she starts over again.  This is predictable... .however, the ups and downs when we're together can be unpredictable.  Months ago she loved to hang out with my husband and I, as well as my daughter and I, always saying how much she loved seeing how happy we all were and stories about my daughter always made her smile.  Then suddenly this last time she barely ever brought up my husband and when stories about my daughter come up she shut down emotionally and would later have an outburst about how much she hated me "for having my daughter."  (She is going through a divorce, and has been since a month after I met her and she has 50/50 custody, so she has her half the week, but to her she's lost her.)  So suddenly now talking about my daughter brings on a hailstorm of yelling, as well as talking about her daughter, two topics which used to make her smile.  There's no way I could have known that as history was otherwise, and she didn't tell me it was upsetting her for weeks until she exploded.  In a matter of a month I was again "wonderful" she was "grateful for me" etc and then I was a "horrible person" an "awful friend" and her psychiatrist said she needed to "cut me out" of her life completely.  Yet another push out, but the reason is always different so while I know the timing (I was expecting it) I never quite know the reason until after it happens.  I don't argue/fight it anymore I just say ok, and move on with my life.

I know it's different because she's a friend, but I have decided I can go on and she can stop into my life whenever she is feeling up to it.  That's ok with me, I would LOVE for her to be here more, and be more of an active participant in my daughter's life who loves her dearly, but I can't ask for what she cannot give me.  So if you are looking for a stable, long term, simple relationship with your ex you may be asking for the moon because that may not be possible; not without some awareness on her part and therapy for her or both of you to learn skills to strengthen your relationship.  I hope that doesn't burst your bubble in any way, I just think as soon as I started thinking about things realistically my head really cleared up.  Most of what I was upset about and hurt by in the past was expectations.  I can't expect her to be someone she is not... .As sad as it is I have learned to expect nothing, that way if I get a random call or text, or more that's great!  I'm delighted (usually), ... .because she is always welcome, and I truly mean that.  However, I cannot go chasing after her anymore as I know there is no point, I'm here and she knows where to find me but I have other things to focus on and people who are here for me no matter what so I put them first.  She is welcome to her spot when she shows up, it's like I set a place at the table because it isn't much trouble to set one extra place, but I have stopped picking up her plate every night and then setting it out the next day.  It's there ready and waiting, I just don't deal with it on a daily basis, I just let it be.  If she shows up great, if not, that's ok too.

I hope this was helpful, and sorry again... .   

[Schermarhorn]

Sorry to hear about your troubles with you ex.  It sounds like she is not playing hard to get so to speak, but simply it's possibly BPD ebbs and flows.  Basically she needs you when no one else is there, or when things are going bad with someone else.  She starts to feel bad about herself, then she puts it on the other person.  Then she wants to feel good about herself again, to feel wanted/needed so she reaches out to someone who has made her feel like that in the past, lucky you.  Unfortunately, she is generally doing this because of what she needs at the time and is very rarely thinking about how it effects the other person; completely unintentionally by the way (what she needs/feels is so overwhelming others just don't come into focus very much).  So she may end a relationship with someone while she feels she may have you waiting in the wings, or she may want to rekindle things then be terrified it won't work out again and some forms of sabotage may play out.  It's like she both wants you and fears you at the same time, so it can feel like she is all there and she wants to be nowhere else, while at the same time she has one foot out the door and she can't run fast enough.  That is simply how it works sometimes... .

Her inner turmoil makes it hard for her to both know what she wants as well as fully deal with the adult ramifications of getting what she wants.  This means she can't sort out her emotions, or she needs someone to help her, however this generally will blow up in that person's face if she doesn't hear what she wants.  Plus if she hears what she wants and agrees fully, within a few hours, days, weeks, or months she could completely change her mind.  She is most likely fearful which is why she pushes you away, the push pull is common and frankly sucks but they know no other way.  They haven't learned to deal with long term, stable relationships because they may have never had one modeled for them.  They don't know how to have serious conversations, especially that deal with deep emotions which make them uncomfortable.  She needs emotional support, but not support that is suffocating which to us would be 24/7 contact and to them may be more like "I want to be with you."  It's very confusing I know, but that's the only way I can think to explain it.

With my BFF I know on one hand she can be completely predictable.  She's with me, she loves me, she's happy, she's upset, she won't talk about it, she pushes me away, and makes a big to do about pushing me out (either bit by bit with less and less contact or a clean break with no contact).  At this point in time it usually means she has a new guy in her life and it's been about a month or two.  Then she goes for a month or two with them, realizes they are starting to see her cracks, she starts to see theirs and they don't match up with the perfect image she had.  She knows I love and accept her no matter what, and she will always have a place in my life.  She reaches out, just before she's about to break it off with them partly to validate her decision and partly to have backup emotional support after the breakup.  Then she starts over again.  This is predictable... .however, the ups and downs when we're together can be unpredictable.  Months ago she loved to hang out with my husband and I, as well as my daughter and I, always saying how much she loved seeing how happy we all were and stories about my daughter always made her smile.  Then suddenly this last time she barely ever brought up my husband and when stories about my daughter come up she shut down emotionally and would later have an outburst about how much she hated me "for having my daughter."  (She is going through a divorce, and has been since a month after I met her and she has 50/50 custody, so she has her half the week, but to her she's lost her.)  So suddenly now talking about my daughter brings on a hailstorm of yelling, as well as talking about her daughter, two topics which used to make her smile.  There's no way I could have known that as history was otherwise, and she didn't tell me it was upsetting her for weeks until she exploded.  In a matter of a month I was again "wonderful" she was "grateful for me" etc and then I was a "horrible person" an "awful friend" and her psychiatrist said she needed to "cut me out" of her life completely.  Yet another push out, but the reason is always different so while I know the timing (I was expecting it) I never quite know the reason until after it happens.  I don't argue/fight it anymore I just say ok, and move on with my life.

I know it's different because she's a friend, but I have decided I can go on and she can stop into my life whenever she is feeling up to it.  That's ok with me, I would LOVE for her to be here more, and be more of an active participant in my daughter's life who loves her dearly, but I can't ask for what she cannot give me.  So if you are looking for a stable, long term, simple relationship with your ex you may be asking for the moon because that may not be possible; not without some awareness on her part and therapy for her or both of you to learn skills to strengthen your relationship.  I hope that doesn't burst your bubble in any way, I just think as soon as I started thinking about things realistically my head really cleared up.  Most of what I was upset about and hurt by in the past was expectations.  I can't expect her to be someone she is not... .As sad as it is I have learned to expect nothing, that way if I get a random call or text, or more that's great!  I'm delighted (usually), ... .because she is always welcome, and I truly mean that.  However, I cannot go chasing after her anymore as I know there is no point, I'm here and she knows where to find me but I have other things to focus on and people who are here for me no matter what so I put them first.  She is welcome to her spot when she shows up, it's like I set a place at the table because it isn't much trouble to set one extra place, but I have stopped picking up her plate every night and then setting it out the next day.  It's there ready and waiting, I just don't deal with it on a daily basis, I just let it be.  If she shows up great, if not, that's ok too.

I hope this was helpful, and sorry again... .   

So what does this mean as far as her trusting me and getting back together? I wanted to give a full relationship one last shot, not be friends.

I have told her this, and she would just say to take her abused puppy advice. I don't know how long to wait before I completely just move on.

I'm basically wanting to know if shes always not going to "trust" me, and I'm just going to always be a semi-boyfriend now.

[Infern0]

All I can say is I was in a similar situation as you and after 2 months of letting her "come to me" she never did, however she was talking to guys on tinder, dunno if she hooked up or not, don't care to know.

If you want to try, good luck but I reccomend not making it a priority in your life and not getting your hopes up.

[OnceConfused]

Schermarhorn

What do you expect from BPD?  Confusion, the push then pull then push cycle are the norm, not the exception. See my nickname here, OnceConfused. Only after 2 or so months with xBPDgf, I was so confused to the point of seeking professional therapy.

As long you want to hang around BPD, the craziness, the confusion you must accept.

[Lucky Jim]

I'm then start getting drilled for all the bad things I had done in the relationship, some where valid, but she was exceptionally mad at me for saying something that I never said. I ended up apologizing through text, just for the sake of not starting a nuclear war.

Hey Nonya, This is exactly what happens in a BPD r/s: the Non ends up apologizing for something that didn't happen in order to avoid a huge blow-up.  I've done it myself, many times.  Thing is, it's no way to live, nor is it conducive to a healthy r/s.  It's inauthentic.  It's kowtowing to your partner.

I ended up texting her telling her that I do want to be with her again, but I just don't want a repeat of what happened. She then starts to blame me for our relationship failing.

Of course she's blaming you for everything that went wrong in your r/s.  That's what a pwBPD does, because of their inability to take responsibility for their actions.

You're in a good place, because you don't have to get back on the Roller Coaster, unless you choose to go another round.  Don't worry if you decide to recycle, we've all done it.  Just beware because the ride gets rougher each time you saddle up again.

LuckyJim

[Schermarhorn]

I'm then start getting drilled for all the bad things I had done in the relationship, some where valid, but she was exceptionally mad at me for saying something that I never said. I ended up apologizing through text, just for the sake of not starting a nuclear war.

Hey Nonya, This is exactly what happens in a BPD r/s: the Non ends up apologizing for something that didn't happen in order to avoid a huge blow-up.  I've done it myself, many times.  Thing is, it's no way to live, nor is it conducive to a healthy r/s.  It's inauthentic.  It's kowtowing to your partner.

I ended up texting her telling her that I do want to be with her again, but I just don't want a repeat of what happened. She then starts to blame me for our relationship failing.

Of course she's blaming you for everything that went wrong in your r/s.  That's what a pwBPD does, because of their inability to take responsibility for their actions.

You're in a good place, because you don't have to get back on the Roller Coaster, unless you choose to go another round.  :)on't worry if you decide to recycle, we've all done it.  Just beware because the ride gets rougher each time you saddle up again.

LuckyJim

The funny thing is she took responsibility when I first started talking to her. She only got mad for what I have "done" after we started talking.

I have recycled with her in the past, and the recycle was better than when we were originally together.

Right now I'm in a spot where I am getting the cold shoulder and raged at, without actually being with her.

I just want to know if I am being used as a backup, or if she is actually trying to take it slow. If I bring it up again she will likely explode.

[Lucky Jim]

If I bring it up again she will likely explode.

This is a good example of what it means to be "walking on eggshells."

If your recycles were improvements, as you note, then maybe you are ready to jump back in the ring again.

On the other hand, if your last recycle went well, what are you doing back here? 

Right now I'm in a spot where I am getting the cold shoulder and raged at, without actually being with her.

I find this interesting.  You're not together as a couple, yet she's giving you the cold shoulder and raging at you, right?  The signals aren't good.   

LJ

[Schermarhorn]

If I bring it up again she will likely explode.

This is a good example of what it means to be "walking on eggshells."

If your recycles were improvements, as you note, then maybe you are ready to jump back in the ring again.

On the other hand, if your last recycle went well, what are you doing back here?  

Right now I'm in a spot where I am getting the cold shoulder and raged at, without actually being with her.

I find this interesting.  You're not together as a couple, yet she's giving you the cold shoulder and raging at you, right?  The signals aren't good.  

LJ

When I apologized to her, it was because I saw she honestly did believe I did it. From my understanding, they bend what they think is the truth to them.

And I would like to try again, but this time I have no expectations of it lasting and I will hopefully be a bit better at handling her outbursts (which I have been so far) now that I have found this site.

Can you clarify on when you said the signals aren't good? What do you think her intentions are?

[OnceConfused]

What I and others are trying to tell you are:

1. Be aware and be careful of BEING RECYCLED. This means BPD will try to get back with you , then soon after the whole craziness and head aches recur again. You will leave and then she will draw you back again.

Why the recycle process? Because BPD is not something that can be switched off  , BPD is a illness that has set into cement in their mind.

The part of her that is the fear of abandonment makes her wanting to come back to you, and yet other parts of her paints you black already. That is for the intermitten text message.

I found it interesting and bizarre when my xBPDgf continued to contact via phone and text with all (I mean all ) of her Xs. SHe just tried to STRING them along. The only answer I had for that, was she played that game to satisfy her EGO. It told her that she had power all these guys and can string them along even she was sleeping with me. She even let me hear voice mail message from one of the x asking her to go out on saturday.

Being with BPD for me made me constantly looking over my shoulders because I felt like a knife was coming at any moment. I never felt 100% committment from her.

[Lucky Jim]

Being with BPD for me made me constantly looking over my shoulders because I felt like a knife was coming at any moment.

Great way to put it, OnceConfused.  It's the proverbial "sword of damocles" hanging by a thread over one's head.  Instead of playing voice mails, my BPDxW showed me love letters from an Ex.  Why?  To manipulate me, I"m sure, and I was quite susceptible to manipulation.

Nonya: What makes you think it will go differently next time?

And I would like to try again, but this time I have no expectations of it lasting and I will hopefully be a bit better at handling her outbursts

What's the point, if you "have no expectations of it lasting"?  Presumably there is some payoff for you, even if temporary.

LuckyJim

[scgator]

Nonya: What makes you think it will go differently next time?

And I would like to try again, but this time I have no expectations of it lasting and I will hopefully be a bit better at handling her outbursts

What's the point, if you "have no expectations of it lasting"?  Presumably there is some payoff for you, even if temporary.

LuckyJim

Nonya, sorry to hear you're going through this but I think we all are or have at some point. My upwBPD said pretty much the same things to me. That she couldn't trust me because I was a pathological liar and that she was afraid of me. Nothing I did ever helped and she had no interest in rebuilding trust when I brought it up. Now, 6+ weeks of not seeing her and going NC to LC, she's come back around and like yours, apologized for how she treated me and seemed very lucid. She wanted to be friends/fwb. I was very very tempted as I still miss her. However, I asked myself what good could possibly come out of this? Ok, so there's great sex, well, until there's a problem and something doesn't work right, or goes to fast or too slow or whatever - and then all the belittling would start again. Or, maybe there's no sex and just a great friendship. So what happens when she tells me about the guys she's with? I'd be hurt. What happens if I were to date someone? God forbid, I'd be afraid of what all she would do - maybe nothing, maybe stalk this person down and tell them everything she thinks happened. Hmm, not a good gamble in my eyes. Or maybe I'll just trigger her right off the bat and be painted pitch black once more and have to deal with rage. What I know won't happen is that we'll ride off into the sunset together. That didn't happen when I wasn't a trigger so it sure isn't going to happen now.

I thought about how guilty I felt leaving her, abandoning her after saying I wouldn't ever - what would that do to her if I went in again? She's threatened suicide and threatened to destroy me and also threatened to kill me. So would this be the one time that something pushes her over the edge? Do I want to find out or even take that risk?

So as LuckyJim says, what is the payoff for you? A temporary "fix"? Is she in therapy? Mine is in denial.

[Schermarhorn]

Nonya: What makes you think it will go differently next time?

And I would like to try again, but this time I have no expectations of it lasting and I will hopefully be a bit better at handling her outbursts

What's the point, if you "have no expectations of it lasting"?  Presumably there is some payoff for you, even if temporary.

LuckyJim

Nonya, sorry to hear you're going through this but I think we all are or have at some point. My upwBPD said pretty much the same things to me. That she couldn't trust me because I was a pathological liar and that she was afraid of me. Nothing I did ever helped and she had no interest in rebuilding trust when I brought it up. Now, 6+ weeks of not seeing her and going NC to LC, she's come back around and like yours, apologized for how she treated me and seemed very lucid. She wanted to be friends/fwb. I was very very tempted as I still miss her. However, I asked myself what good could possibly come out of this? Ok, so there's great sex, well, until there's a problem and something doesn't work right, or goes to fast or too slow or whatever - and then all the belittling would start again. Or, maybe there's no sex and just a great friendship. So what happens when she tells me about the guys she's with? I'd be hurt. What happens if I were to date someone? God forbid, I'd be afraid of what all she would do - maybe nothing, maybe stalk this person down and tell them everything she thinks happened. Hmm, not a good gamble in my eyes. Or maybe I'll just trigger her right off the bat and be painted pitch black once more and have to deal with rage. What I know won't happen is that we'll ride off into the sunset together. That didn't happen when I wasn't a trigger so it sure isn't going to happen now.

I thought about how guilty I felt leaving her, abandoning her after saying I wouldn't ever - what would that do to her if I went in again? She's threatened suicide and threatened to destroy me and also threatened to kill me. So would this be the one time that something pushes her over the edge? Do I want to find out or even take that risk?

So as LuckyJim says, what is the payoff for you? A temporary "fix"? Is she in therapy? Mine is in denial.

I think it would go better because I am much more aware on what to, and what not to do. I feel I have stronger boundaries and I am not near as clingy as I was before. That being said I still could be a lot better, but it's an improvement. Also, the last time I was with her I had no idea anything like BPD existed. I knew something was off, but I didn't know what it was. For instance, when she would pull before I would reach out to her a lot more and made things worse. Right now I have not talked to her for 3 days and don't plan to until I get some sort of "invitation" so to speak.

She is aware of a lot of her behavior. She's been diagnosed with severe depression and ptsd, and is taking medication and going to therapy for both. I'm unsure if she knows of BPD, but I feel eventually she will look into it and seek treatment. After her very first outbursts, I brought up that it was very similar to my dad (who is bipolar), and she said she was already tested for being bipolar and she does not have it.

Also, when it does fail again... .at least this time I went in with knowledge of how I could try to make it work. Before I was flying blind and when we broke up I still felt that things could've been different if I knew then what I knew now. So this time I could be like, I did everything I possibly could and it still didn't work out. I feel that would make it easier for me to move on. Even when I was in 2 months NC, I was still thinking of her daily... .this thinking has gone down quiet a bit since then. I feel like being with her always makes it easier for me to identify what I personally need to work on. If it wasn't for her I would've never learned about co-dependency, BPD red flags, and just in general how to handle a relationship better.

And I suppose at the base of all of this is that I still care about her. She's in more pain than me, it's not like she wants to hurt me, so why should I be hurt by it anymore? I have yet to believe that I gave the relationship my best, as in not be a trigger and have boundaries, not become a doormat. I suppose my limit just hasn't been reached yet.

But as I said earlier, if she ends up getting another boyfriend or just wants to stay "friends" for an extended period of time, it would be best for me just to detach. I've just never witnessed her doing something quiet like this, it feels like I am being pushed and pulled at the same time.

And thank you for replying, I appreciate you guys taking the time to help me out

[rotiroti]

Hey nonya! What an interesting course of outcome during your journey!

I think it would go better because I am much more aware on what to, and what not to do. I feel I have stronger boundaries

that's fantastic man, and don't feel bad about "recycling." It's a common theme on here and many of us here have done it. No matter what our choice I believe if you go into any situation being fully aware of your decisions, you'll do just fine.

Keep us posted and best of luck!

[DearBFF]

It is very difficult for people with BPD to trust, anyone, not just her trusting you.  Trusting herself even, or her family, or her friends (even ones who have been in her life the longest).  I could look at BFF with love in my heart and on my mind and her response was "to stop looking at her and judging her."  Trust with them and in them is very difficult.

I love and accept BFF as she is, I have to because otherwise I'm lying to myself and expecting something out of her she cannot give me (or anyone for that matter).  It would be good for you to do the same... .because if you want to give it a second go with the person you fell in love with (I'm guessing before you found out about the BPD traits), that will be very hard.  Not because she's not in there, but because she is a part of what is in there, but so is the BPD.  Unmet expectations is what causes us all the most pain.  Once I finally realized BFF will never be much of a best friend, much less not much of a friend or even acquaintance I became much happier.  I stopped expecting things out of her she couldn't give me, not because she doesn't want to but because she's not in a place where she can be capable of giving.  She can barely take care of herself, her animals and her own daughter.  She is always struggling, always telling the next person her sob story (mostly created by herself), and always assuming everything is everyone else's fault.

It's hard to BE with someone like that... .it's hard to BE around someone like that.  You have to see past it, you have to know it's there, but be able to see past it.  Most of all you have to be able to not to take it personally.  You have to be able to have ridiculously good boundaries or you'll get walked all over, and you'll end up left wondering if you're crazy yourself, if you're a bad person, and if you don't deserve the awful way she may treat you or the awful things she may say.  You have to learn how to react differently and learn skills in order to counteract her behavior.  You cannot CHANGE her, but you can CHANGE your reaction to her and your approach.  You have to decide if that is work you want to do.  If you walk into it blindly expecting things will just fall into place and she will be a better version of herself without her being mindful of her behavior, mindful of how it effects others, or mindful enough for her to seek out help to change things will most likely not get better.  You can come up with ways to live in the situation, but you cannot come up with ways to help her live, which means the cycle continues over and over until she decides she has had enough wants off and seeks help.

It is a hard thing to accept, live with, and love... .definitely not something I think anyone would ever LIKE, but there are things I like which I know must sound crazy.  Because of BFF BPD traits she FEELS so much more than others, which is mostly what causes her extreme reactions, but it also allows her to LOVE so much harder than most as well.  Honestly, when things are good it's like nothing I've felt ever.  She is also spontaneous, which is great when it's light hearted and fun, and silly.  It's not so great when silly spontaneity leans more towards impulsivity and the consequences are less than desirable.  She cares so much, feels so much, yet it is both her strong suit and her undoing.

I hope this was in some way helpful... .   good luck

[Schermarhorn]

I sent her a text saying that I'm going to give her space to let her figure things out. I asked her to let me know how she feels after she had time to think.

I didn't get a reply, and I imagine regardless of what she wants to do it will be a few weeks before I hear anything from her, if at all.

Not really anything I can do now, just focus on myself.

[DearBFF]

That's truly the best thing you can do!  We all get caught up and then things get flipped on us when we mistakenly expect what we would expect of any average person.  Because really who would assume less up front?  In a way it's like a bait and switch.

BFF would schedule something and she'd show up.  Then she'd schedule it and not show up, but apologize profusely.  Then she'd schedule something and say she'll let me know, but never actually let me know and would then be mad at me when I was calling to see where she was at during the time period she was supposed to let me know.  Then she'd schedule something tentatively, say she'll call if anything changes, and I don't get a call so I figure we're still on.  Then when I'm dressed and ready to head out the door I  try to get in touch and get yelled at for bothering her while she's at work, only I didn't know she was at work because she was supposed to be meeting with me not at work.  Something changed but she never let me know, actually she forgot to let me know, because she completely forgot all about me.

It's really hard when we love them and want to give them the benefit of the doubt.  It really is like knowing two people sometimes.

Take care and good luck to you!