How to not let them affect you.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My sister is in town for 3 days so I have been doing things with them. My uBPDbf is always welcome to come but chooses not to. So my D9 and I have gone places and come home around 9 or 10 pm. I don't give him any specific time we will be home because I don't know, but I do tell him where we will be and what doing. I am getting the cold shoulder, plus little lies to create the "poor him" view.  Because it is not about him. I recently tried to enlighten him a bit in that he can't "hope" (his word), expect me to give all in the relationship.

How do you not let their behavior affect you? Just ignore?

[FigureIt]

My sister is in town for 3 days so I have been doing things with them. My uBPDbf is always welcome to come but chooses not to. So my D9 and I have gone places and come home around 9 or 10 pm. I don't give him any specific time we will be home because I don't know, but I do tell him where we will be and what doing. I am getting the cold shoulder, plus little lies to create the "poor him" view.  Because it is not about him. I recently tried to enlighten him a bit in that he can't "hope" (his word), expect me to give all in the relationship.

How do you not let their behavior affect you? Just ignore?

[TheRealJongoBong]

Hi FigureIt, it is difficult to ignore their behavior. In my case I really can't ignore it because it happens too much.  My solution is to understand where it's coming from and don't buy into it emotionally.  My uBPDw does and says horrible things because it's a reflection of her inner turmoil. The things she does are not about me, they are about her. I didn't cause them, I can't control them, and I can't cure her. I acknowledge her pain when it is appropriate, and I don't respond at all when what she says is inappropriate. If I feel that I am starting to emotionally buy in to her behavior, I separate myself from her until I again understand that it is not about me.

It takes practice and patience to keep in a good frame of mind. In the beginning I wouldn't notice what was going on until I was completely enmeshed in the crazy. I wouldn't beat myself up for it and would use it as a lesson for the future. Over time it got easier to detach closer to the beginning of the episodes, but it was still exhausting for me. I had to be "on" all the time so I wouldn't be blindsided by her behavior.

At some point my viewpoint shifted and it seemed more natural to look at things the other way - I don't buy in to anything she says instantly. My first assumption now is that she's trying to FOG me, and I have to consciously think whether I should respond seriously or not.

[mitchell16]

I have been out of mine for well over  a year and Im so glad I no longer have to worry or deal with this kind of stuff. It used to drive me crazy, make me walk on eggshells, a nervous wreck. How I handled it was just ignore the behavior but the problem was the more I Ignored the worse it got. If I reacted the same thing. It was a classic no win. if i ignored it got worse, If I addressed it she exploded and raged.

[TheRealJongoBong]

I have to admit there seems to be a very strong side effect to not playing the game any more. My wife has been escalating her behavior since I stopped being the victim, to the point of making false allegations to the police about me.  I'm willing to accept that and deal with the consequences, I'm no longer willing to accept being the victim.