How can I learn to respect my BPDw

[Depression = 72% of members]

I don't feel like I respect my BPDw, and I think this is a bad thing and probably comes though in my interactions with her. How can I feel respect for her?

In the last few years (since the BPD diagnosis), I've gained my self respect back and started seeing my wife for who she is. I see all her conflicting behaviours, and take her misdirected blame for things.

I know almost all her issues are either "normal" people behaviour, normal female behaviour or normal BPD behaviour. I do understand. She is a 'martyr' personality and feels like she has no control of her life. I'm sure that she looks at things I do and rolls her eyes with contempt.

Logically I know she's her own person, making her own choices, and that she's doing the best she can. But when I look inside myself my feelings don't match my mindset, How can I start to feel respect for her again?

[ArleighBurke]

I don't feel like I respect my BPDw, and I think this is a bad thing and probably comes though in my interactions with her. How can I feel respect for her?

In the last few years (since the BPD diagnosis), I've gained my self respect back and started seeing my wife for who she is. I see all her conflicting behaviours, and take her misdirected blame for things.

I know almost all her issues are either "normal" people behaviour, normal female behaviour or normal BPD behaviour. I do understand. She is a 'martyr' personality and feels like she has no control of her life. I'm sure that she looks at things I do and rolls her eyes with contempt.

Logically I know she's her own person, making her own choices, and that she's doing the best she can. But when I look inside myself my feelings don't match my mindset, How can I start to feel respect for her again?

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[ArleighBurke]

I think I may be confusing respect and admiration.

I respect that my wife has the right to choose her actions, and to live as she wants. I respect that she may not be in full control of herself.

But I don't admire her as a person.

But I still think I need to view her differently.

[Wrongturn1]

Good point... .there's only so much that a person can witness or be subjected to without losing some degree of admiration. 

I struggled with the same thing and sometimes still do.  For me, it helped to realize that my wife was making a monumental effort and fighting as hard as she can just to wake up each morning and restrain herself from committing suicide.  Since that low point, she has made a lot of progress but still suffers daily with the disorder.  Gaining an appreciation for her achievements in spite of her suffering seemed to help me admire/respect her more. 

[Cat Familiar]

This has been a problem for me too. There's no way I can "un-see" some of the crazy behavior my husband exhibited during previous dysregulations. Thankfully that's past tense, but still, it contributed to my global impression of who he is.

When we first got together, I was unbelievably attracted to him. He still is a very attractive and very intelligent man. Somehow I just can't feel any desire for him any more. I like him, but more like a brother.

I think the respect and admiration I had for him at the beginning is long gone. 

[Ceruleanblue]

Yeah, I too struggle with respect. I show him respect, but inside, it's hard to feel it. He's done things that in my eyes, totally emasculate him. Those things which I found emasculating are letting his anger totally control him, and letting his adult girls yank him around by his balls. Seriously, not attractive. Also, he doesn't do anything to protect me or our marriage from all the crap they've done or flung our way. I think a real man prioritizes and treats his wife with some small measure of respect.

It's hard to get those feelings back, so I just keep reminding myself that his choices are his, and my feelings are mine. It's just sort of second nature for me to treat others respectfully, so I don't feel I have an issue with that, as a rule. I've lost it a few times, but those instances are rare, and it's never in the form of verbal put downs, or talking down to him. I just hate how he does that to me. I correct myself, I actually did a couple verbal put downs one time, followed by "I did that on purpose, how does it feel? You do that to me all the time". He was unable to make a correlation or to empathize, to that was another failure... ..

I think it's unrealistic to some degree to try to have large amounts of respect for someone who hasn't earned it. I'll treat them respectfully, but that is because it would be rude not to, and it's a reflection of ME and who I am.

On the other hand, my giving him respect certainly doesn't mean I'll be treated in kind. I sort of view it as he must not have much self respect, because people who have self respect don't need to disrespect others.

[SurfNTurf]

I totally understand what you all are saying. I look at respect/admiration for my uBPDh as a continuum. On one end of the continuum, there is huge respect, at the other, a significant lack. When we first met, and before we were married, and he was doing all the mirroring, my respect was at the huge end of the scale. When we got married, and the mirroring stopped, and the behaviors started, the respect/admiration starting a downturn. When he got mad at me and took all the kitchen cupboard doors off, and a few days later left a tarantula in a jar blocking the front door, the needle on the Respectometer was pushing toward Empty.  Now it typically hovers between empty and 1/4.

I see now why I am where I am, I didn't know the signs to look for when we met, and I got sucked in like everyone else. But I also know, this isn't about me; if he were with his exwife, or any one else, he would still be the way he is b/c he has a mental health condition. I respect that he's missing an element to his personality, much like someone missing a limb, but because of my reading and this site, I no longer expect anything from him and no longer expect to have the same admiration for him. Once they are married, the mirror goes away, and you are left with whatever was behind the mirror.

[TheRealJongoBong]

Respect to me is earned by a stable exhibition of thoughts and actions that agree with my sense of morality and empathy. My uBPDw does none of these, so I don't respect that in her. I respect her as an individual who has rights and such, I don't try to control her and let her be who she is, and I let her lead her life the way she likes as long it does not affect my safety or freedom. But respect as a person, after all she has done and all she continues to do? Nope.

Could she earn my respect again? Yes certainly, if exhibits stable thoughts and actions that agree with my sense of morality and empathy. Do I think that will ever happen? Nope.

[thisagain]

I definitely identify with all of this! Other than the completely baseless allegations, the most common problem my partner has with me is talking to her as if she doesn't know how to do things. Like deal diplomatically with the family member who pays her bills, keep track of her meds, manage money, act or dress in a professional setting, etc. But... .sometimes she doesn't. The only way I've found to avoid "talking down" to her is just to avoid talking with her about those things as much as possible. I can't bring myself to talk to her about those things as if she were a stable competent adult.

Sometimes I wonder how we are supposed to be intimate and form a mature partnership with these people, when on here we're realizing that they have the emotional maturity of a toddler. I obviously don't want to marry a toddler.

Before I learned much about BPD, I had an easier time separating her as a person from the unstable behavior. But now I'm realizing that everything she says and does is filtered through the BPD lens. And even when she seems to be doing well, she'll lose it if I'm not very careful to keep doing the BPD analysis and BPD-tool responses. That makes it really hard for me to relate to her like I would with non-disordered people.

[SurfNTurf]

Yes, and even with a two year old, you can pick them up and put them in the car seat, instead of waiting for them to stop fiddle-farting around and get in the car!

[Lou12]

Yes I struggled with this too! When they were nice it's hard to just respect that person after all they'd done.

For me I realised that respect was earned not given so my response was fair and I would be going against my human instincts to make myself feel different. I gave respect instead to their debilitating illness and how hard it must be for them to have to internally live in this turmoil. So I acknowledged respect through pity in my own mind. Once I had some semblance of control of the respect I give then I found it easier to give him respect if that makes sense. The minuet I gave respect through fear I felt I'd let myself down and I didn't like it x

[sweetheart]

Hi all,

For me it is important to understand and learn to accept that our SO's are dealing with a pervasive mental illness. They are not making healthy, informed choices and decisions each time they dysregulate. They are reacting from a distorted perception of reality to a past hurt, invalidation or traumatic experience. When we are drawn into this interaction with them, if we choose to engage, mental illness makes it an 'unfair fight,' for all involved the outcome is so very often loose-loose, that is what brings us here.

I wholeheartedly believe my dBPDh respects me and I him, but in that moment of dysregulation if I choose to engage in a way I know will escalate what happens, then respect is lost. I cannot then question my respect for him when I was part of the dysregulation.

I chose to reframe my expectations of what my marriage can be by staying with someone who is diagnosed as mentally ill. In choosing to stay we as nons have to hone the skill of disengagement otherwise triggered interactions will continue and respect on both sides is lost.

[an0ught]

If one takes the stance that "Boundaries are Tools for Respect" that we often take here then the question of our respect is one that is closely linked to the boundaries of our partner. In that light one can ask the questions:

- are you aware of the boundaries of your partner

- what do you do to avoid crossing them

- what happens when you cross one - how does your partner deal with it and more importantly how do you deal with it

- do you support you partner when they struggle to define a clear boundary and protect it against a third party.

- how do you handle consequences that you observe or have to shoulder due to boundaries of your partner

-... .there are probably plenty more

Boundaries define and give shape. Our partners have often different limits than we wish they had. Our partners have truly problems defining stable limits and maintaining a stable self. It can make it hard to truly see them. Accepting what is not there is important to see the weaker lines of what is there. Accepting them for who they truly are.