First post

[Glinda the good]

I have been on a wicked roller coaster for about five years and i am getting ready to get off of the ride.  My husband had a very close call with a suicide attempt 5 years ago.  He was diagnosed as major depressive (no kidding) and bi-polar II.  I have since come to realize that he also has BPD.  (I have two different friends - one a social worker and one a therapist - who had been waiting for me to come to that realization.)

He hasn't been the same man since the attempt.  Right before this past Christmas he went to see the therapist that we had been seeing together by himself.  He came home from that saying that he had scheduled an appointment for us to go in together on that Friday.  I was pleased - he NEVER initiated anything with the therapist.  So, five days after I have had my gall bladder unexpectedly removed, i was told by our therapist, with my husband present, that he was again suicidal and he was very angry - at me!  She said that one of us needed to move out on a temporary basis because she was afraid he was going to hurt himself if we stayed together.

I had a convenient place to go, so I left.  My daughter helped, and I called in movers.  My husband went to work.

He wanted to "date" - to re-build our relationship.  Looking back, almost 9 months later, I feel pretty stupid.  He just kept getting worse and worse.  All of that flip-flopping that BPs do is so hard to deal with.  But, I kept hoping, I kept trying, I kept going to a (different) therapist.  He continued to take his medicine, but refused to get therapy.  According to him, he is broken and can't be fixed.  Of course, that sometimes gets turned around to me being the broken one.

This past Wed i attempted to use "our" debit card.  (Yes, I'm that stupid - I kept our money "joint."  It was declined.  I texted him and asked what was up.  He right away said it was bad and then very quickly admitted that all of our money is gone.  He has gambled it away.  I was completely shocked.  (You know those women you see on TV saying that they never suspected their husband was a serial killer?  That's me.  I now understand it.)

We ended that exchange, very calmly, with us agreeing that it was time to see a lawyer about a divorce.

I was fortunate enough to get into a lawyer yesterday.  I go back in to sign papers next Wednesday.  My stomach is doing the roller coaster thing, I've had hives, and feel like I'm going to throw up all the time.  I dreaded telling him that I had gone.  I get a text from him a bit ago asking if we really needed a lawyer or could we do it by ourselves.  I told him I had been to an appointment yesterday.  His response?  "OK."  Really?  That's it?  "OK"?

I'm sorry this is so long, but i needed to rant.  I promise to read and respond to anyone else that feels that need, too.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Daniell85]

Hello,

Welcome. I am sorry you have such an upsetting situation. 

What is it that you would like to see happen with your relationship? You said you had talked to an attorney and are on the way to a divorce. He said "Ok" when you told him you talked to the attorney.

He may be feeling so absolutely worthless at this point, and believe he deserves to be divorced, so he is agreeing. Is this what you really want?

[LivingWBPDWife]

I have a daughter, else I would run for the hills. I am in this 6 years, and I am done. But, now I am learning to live wife my BPD, and its really like the movie "sleeping with the enemy". You have to 100% embrace that BPDs will stop at nothing, and they have no moral compass, if something hurts them they will stop at nothing, AND they will make stuff up. Now, be glad you are a woman, since men are so much more at risk since so many states have female dominated domestic violence laws. Police get called, they automatically arrest the man. Even if the man is the one that called the police and the wife is outside the door trying to get into the house with a hammer! True story (another friend with a BPD).

So, at least you are probably safe from jail or arrest. That's good.

But, other than that, I would handle this like a war, protect your assets, your child, trust no one, put as much distance as possible, NEVER meet without a witness, and never in a non-public place, best to meet in lawyers office. STOP talking, unless needed. And simply detach. Don't be a dick, don't be cold, just be like matter of fact, no attachment to any conversation. You want the money back, ask for it, he says no, say thanks, go eat an ice cream. Don't get attached to any DESIRE or NEED, you are not going to be happy with any exchange.

And remember, the most important, and craziest part -- your BPD isn't attacking you, this has NOTHING to do with you - you just happen to be the one in his line of fire, this is ALWAYS about the BPD. So, you just need to get out of his line of fire, move on.

I am really sorry that you have a daughter together, that makes this so hard, but just ease down, take a breath, get help, support, and don't TRUST him one millimeter, its a war now. Don't go crazy or on the offense, but don't let your guard down, or you will be sorry -- just like the credit card thing.

And lastly, it hurts, but time will fix it, just stay busy, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF -- BPDs are vampires, they feed off us, and its terrible. So, focus on your daughter, work, creative outlets, and just live day by day, forget about him -- feel sorry for him if it helps, but its not your fault. Until he gets into recovery, he will never be happy. The best you can hope for is he gets in recovery and your daughter can have some kind of relationship with him, but you can NOT -- its toxic. BPDs will suck you right back in.

So, don't keep a bridge in your mind, of "maybe" -- BLOW THAT THING UP!

[Glinda the good]

@Daniel: no, it's not what I want. I want things to go back the way they were before his depression made him suicidal.  That's not going to happen. My second choice would be for him to agree to get help.  That's not going to happen either.

@livingwbdwife: I have two grown children from a previous marriage. My son and he became very close. My daughter always planned to have him and her dad walk her down the aisle some day. He is clueless as to why they are upset with him.

I know I need to detach, but we have been together 20 years. I am so afraid for him.  He has been so close with my family. They have all been trying to remain supportive of him, but the money was the last straw. If I completely detach, he is going to be alone. His family isn't going to step up to the plate in any substantial way.

[orderline]

@Daniel: no, it's not what I want. I want things to go back the way they were before his depression made him suicidal.  That's not going to happen. My second choice would be for him to agree to get help.  That's not going to happen either.

@livingwbdwife: I have two grown children from a previous marriage. My son and he became very close. My daughter always planned to have him and her dad walk her down the aisle some day. He is clueless as to why they are upset with him.

I know I need to detach, but we have been together 20 years. I am so afraid for him.  He has been so close with my family. They have all been trying to remain supportive of him, but the money was the last straw. If I completely detach, he is going to be alone. His family isn't going to step up to the plate in any substantial way.

A boundary kind of thing is you should secretely stop caring for his life. Start of by mondays and do not try to help him survive at least one day a week. If it works expand it to fridays and keep it that way for a while. If he keeps breathing you know at least there are two days a week you are absolutely not needed and he survives completely on his own merits.

While this goes on notice how his grip of you as a caretaker is reduced and continue to gradually reduce the support for him until he is completely unsustained,

Miracles happen when responsibility is returned with no arguments. Just start acting as if he is responsible and limit areas where he can hurt you being irresponsible. This is how he controls you and how you let him.