The Eureka monent when they realise they have a problem

[nonbpdis-m]

Has anyone experienced their BPD have a dawning realisation that they might in fact be the problem and that they have a serious condition that needs fixing?  I've seen brief glimpses of this with my BPDgf.  One example was i was having a drink in the kitchen on my own looking in a complete state of submission to my situation with this woman and said to her 'I don't want a row but just please explain to me why you treat me like this, I'm not a bad person... .?'  She said a few days later 'that really hit home I will sort myself out i promise'... .

However the only way I could get her to seek serious help was to have her arrested for domestic abuse and she HAD to attend counselling which was a condition of her being released from jail.  I chose to press charges but the police and the social services asked me if I would rather her attend compulsory therapy to break her rage attacks which i agreed to for the kids sake more than anything else.  Only then did she (temporarily) see how her behaviour is totally out of control.  The night in jail did hte world of good she said.  However old habits die hard and i'm sorry to tell you all the violence has stopped on my person but everything else that comes with BPD: Jealousy, rage, accusations, triangulation, splitting all that stuff has remained.  Be thankful for small graces though I suppose as I haven't been hit since.

[Lifewriter16]

It's a long route to freedom from BPD. Stopping the violence is your first stage. Now you move onto stage 2.

Personally, I had my own eureka moment when I realised that I was part of the problem just as my had BPDxbf said. I wanted to blame him for everything. I was painting me white and him black. But, there are two sides to every story. His perception of my culpability was incorrect. It was based upon his projection onto me. I am discovering my own culpability for myself. That includes my projections onto him. It is a complicated situation.

Having said that, it is never okay to be violent or to treat another person in the way you describe your partner as doing. Have you got a safety plan in place in case this was only a temporary cessation of violence? And have you had chance to look at the lessons on stopping the bleeding?

[TheRealJongoBong]

My wife has had several of these eureka moments where she does realize for a few minutes that she is a large part of the problem. It never lasts through the night. It would be great if your partner can extend this moment into concrete improvements in her behavior. Do you think it will happen?

[OnceConfused]

I think BPD like us will realize or have a eureka moment where they see themselves as the problem. But the big difference between BPD and us, the NON, is that they cannot regulate their anger, their internal turmoil where as we can control ours. That is why the problem of living with BPD is a continuous one and does not change.

BPD can acknowledge their causing us the pain but then they repeat the same action again . The crux of being aware of our internal anger so that we can avoid it in the future, but BPD will not.

[HopefulDad]

The Eureka moment is a huge step for someone with BPD.  Several sufferers go through life without ever having it.  Those that have that moment often vow to seek help for themselves.

A MUCH bigger step than the Eureka moment, though, is following through in getting long-term help.  Sadly, this is where the majority of BPD sufferers who had that Eureka moment fail.  Often, after a few months of therapy or other treatment, the BPD sufferer declares themselves "cured" and then slowly regress back to square one.

Anyone who is undecided or staying in a BPD relationship must assume that their pwBPD is either never going to have that Eureka moment or will fail to do anything of note even if they do.  Holding onto the relationship with a hope that "maybe they will see the light" is misguided, IMO.  Assume they will not change, then decide what you want to do.

[an0ught]

Yeah, like HopefulDad I appreciate insight by the pwBPD as well as the non. Also like HopefulDad I tend to discount it.

PwBPD and BPD relationship partners change when they put in serious effort to step outside of their established behavior patterns. That is hard work as they have been established over time, are often re-enforced by the natural/upbringing instincts and the environment. Fear is a big impediment to change. Shame is a tricky aspect as insight can also trigger toxic levels of shame. Often pwBPD know that something is off but can't acknowledge it as that would push them straight into a very distressed state. Pushing for change from our side in most but not all cases is pointless and backfires. A generally applicable strategy is to validate the negative emotions (please don't say all is well and good - that would be invalidating) as this is soothing and helps with shame and harsh self judgment.

Often the opportunity lies in making smaller changes in that moment ourselves (after all we are 100% in control of that side) and building momentum. A lot of us progress two steps forward and one back. Insight can mean a leap forward but can be only start of the path to a solution. DBT was such a breakthrough in therapy as it acknowledged that to overcome BPD one needs more than insight - one needs behavioral and emotional training.

[nonbpdis-m]

I understand that we an NON's need to be the adult but we are also human and persistent, repeated attacks physical or otherwise upon us often means we become resentful thus diminishing our ability to empathise or validate their negative thoughts and feelings.  How on earth can you stop and offer to hear them out or soothe their inner turmoil  when they are calling you a 'pathetic selfish c--t!' whilst throwing wine glasses at your head? I've lost the will to help as its an exercise in futility or so it would seem.

[TheRealJongoBong]

How on earth can you stop and offer to hear them out or soothe their inner turmoil  when they are calling you a 'pathetic selfish c--t!' whilst throwing wine glasses at your head?

You can't do anything to soothe them when they are in a state like that. The thing that I've learned from my relationship is that I bear a lot of responsibility for them getting into a state like that to begin with. I've inadvertently added to my wife's outbursts by thinking they had substance other than a reflection of her own thinking. When I took it personally I would give it right back, and that amplified the whole mess. I did it for months and years without realizing it, and our relationship definitely suffered for it.

Look at it this way. If a child is yelling and screaming about something, what's the best thing to do? Mostly it's just letting them vent. If I were to respond this upset child because I felt hurt it's just going to make matters worse, and they are very likely to respond even more the next time. If I just let them vent then they don't get the positive feedback and are less likely to go as nuts the next time.

It's exactly the same way with a pwBPD. If we reduce the volatility of our responses to their noise (and it is just noise) then they will calm down. It will take a while, and there will be large outbursts from time to time, but it will calm down. We just have to be consistent.

[an0ught]

Yeah, TheRealJongoBong got a point. Validation does not work when a certain threshold has been crossed. Then only leaving or taking other defensive measures works - we know these situations will happen and the often we can plan the course of action to take. Planning for blowups is important as the situations are tense and our thinking is also affected. You'll find more on that topic in the workshops on boundaries.

When dealing with BPD we have to be very, very situational aware. The reality of a pwBPD turns on a dime (splitting, disassociation etc.) so what works in one situation will not work in another situation. What is validating in one situation is invalidating in another situation. What is validating in one situation will fall on deaf ears in another. It helps somewhat to consistently validate as that helps us to maintain a better sense where the pwBPD is at the moment. There are clearly situations that are uncontrollable and accepting that (protecting ourselves, saving our energy and let them recover by their own) is important. When living with a pwBPD it pays using the other times when at least some of what we say gets through and where changes contribute to reduce the overall level of emotional excitement. That can have significant impact on the frequency, severity and durations of blow-ups. For more see the LESSONS here.

[SummerStorm]

Mine had a few Eureka moments in the past few months, but she ultimately went back to thinking she had no problem and that everyone else is crazy. 

In April, she told me that she is a bad person who hurts people.  A few days later, she said she wanted to get help.

In June, she tried to commit suicide and was diagnosed.  She said she wanted to get better.  She went to two therapy sessions and then stopped.

In July, she contacted me and said she was planning on entering a treatment program. 

Last week, she told me I'm crazy. 

[nonbpdis-m]

I'm afraid I am going to have to give up.  I'm not going to spend the time when she is calm to talk to her about her problems which she MUST know she has.  I would rather use that time to have a calm house where I can play with my daughter or even sit in silence before the next hurricane