Excluding your BPDm from your wedding and/or major life events

[gentlestguardian]

Hi friends.

I've been away from these boards for awhile now. I went NC with my BPDmother last August and have since been proactively working through much of my anger and emotions. At some point it became difficult to read many of the stories on here because they compounded my grief. Yes, it is a relief to know I am not alone in having to deal with a BPDm, but it is at the same time very difficult for me to know that so many others have to struggle as I do. I don't wish a BPDparent on anyone.

Anyway, I wanted to post because today I made a really difficult decision to un-invite my BPDm from my upcoming wedding. I sent her the message this morning (she only communicates via chat), and it's absolutely gutting me. I'm having a really hard time working myself out from under a rain cloud even though I know in my heart I've made the right decision. I have been thriving on NC and had absolutely no plans to break NC, yet when it came to news about my engagement my resolve broke. I felt it would be cruel to keep the news from her, and to blatantly ignore her existence with regard to the wedding. She is my mother, after all. I think the hopeful part of me wanted to believe that the excitement of a wedding might turn her behavior around somehow. I was vey wrong. If anything the stress of the impending ceremony has made her behavior worse.

I've seen a scattering of posts here about weddings and BPD parents and I wanted to open some dialogue on exactly why it is so hard for us daughters to exclude our BPD mothers from our weddings. Why does it feel so absolutely impossible? I can honestly say for myself personally it has nothing to do with societal pressure, or pressure from family, as I have no other immediate relatives. I think the difficulty for me comes from feeling sad for her, and sad for the little girl inside of me who adored her mother even though she was treated poorly. Has anyone else had to work through the complicated feelings of exluding their parent from their wedding or other major life event? Please share your story with me.

[claudiaduffy]

Hi, gentlestguardian,

I'm so sorry you've had to sent an un-invitation and that you're struggling with difficult feelings - but so glad to hear that you're making the choices your heart tells you are right for your health and life!

My uBPDm was allowed to come to my wedding, but I had to make a seeming thousand small choices to exclude her from different things she wanted to do. I didn't allow her to help dress me. I didn't spend any time with her alone. I didn't do any photos with her. My bridesmaids were great at limiting her access to me. This was all consistent with the LC I maintain with her - but I still do struggle with complicated feelings with it all. I do feel sad for her, like you've mentioned.

I'm currently dealing with infertility and have not told my mom this. She obviously would want to know that much about my life, and, honestly, I would love to be able to discuss these things with my own mom - who had some issues with infertility herself. But I am excluding her from even knowing that it's a topic in my life. And I've known for years that if I ever do give birth to a child, my mom will not be allowed to be present for the birth or even to visit while I'm in the first fragile months afterwards. Part of me is relieved that I haven't had to cross that bridge yet, because I know it will be hard to make that choice that I know I need to do for my own emotional safety.

Congratulations on your wedding coming up, though! And seriously, I am so happy that you are making the choices to have it be a joyful day. My wedding day was good, but my uBPDmom and uBPDmil are dark shadows on my memories of that day, even though they were unexpectedly well-behaved. I am glad you will not have that hanging over you.

[Gerda]

I also had my mom at my wedding, but I had to do some really serious boundary-setting to minimize her influence on the whole process. I think it was the first time I really put my foot down and stood up to her on important things. Of course, she thinks what I did was horrible, and it actually became a catalyst for us going Very Low Contact afterwards.

Things have only gotten worse between us since then. She absolutely hates my husband now. She doesn't we should have a child because she doesn't think I could handle it. All she likes to do is talk about how hard having kids is and make it sound like it's not worth it.

So now that my husband and I are working on getting pregnant, I have decided to completely exclude her from that. I'm not telling her I'm trying, I'm not telling her when I get pregnant, and I don't want her there when I give birth. After how she acted when I got married and when my dad died, I know I really don't want her around during any sort of major life event.

Luckily I get along really well with my husband's mother. She's sort of my adopted mother now. She was really helpful with my wedding, and she's giving me all sort of encouragement when it comes to having a kid. I think we as daughters need a mother there as a sort of role model for things like wedding and births. But having a bad one there is worse than having none at all, I think.

So I completely support anyone who feels they should exclude their BPDm from anything important like a wedding. In hindsight, I don't regret having her at my wedding and I think I handled it well, but I can completely understand why anyone would not want to go through that.

[Sunfl0wer]

Hey Gentlestguardian,

For me, I see it as clinging onto the desire to have things as I feel "they should be."  It feels like if I'm in a mind of complete RA towards someone or a situation, then I have no issue, or little issue responding to the circumstances before me "appropriately." 

I suspect the "allowing toxic people to play their toxic part" in my life stems from a sort of denial and false hope that I never want to give up on expecting reasonable outcomes from unreasonable circumstances.

After all, It is this mindset that has allowed me to survive.  Ironically, the same mindset that also now holds me back from thriving.

For me, I would be thinking: My mom has a 1% chance of participating in this event in a positive or neutral way.  I don't want to miss that chance or give it up or always wonder if I gave it up presumptuously.  Therefore, I "have" to allow that 1% to exist, or I am responsible (to myself) for squashing that potential.

~Sunflower

[Auslaunder]

Hi Gentlest Guardian,

I can't speak about the special role of mothers in life events. I've had to exclude my father from my graduation and he excluded himself from my wedding. I found this painful because I still seek his approval. My inner child believes so badly that if he sees me accomplish this life goal then finally he will be happy with me, even just share my happiness for that day.

[gentlestguardian]

For me, I would be thinking: My mom has a 1% chance of participating in this event in a positive or neutral way.  I don't want to miss that chance or give it up or always wonder if I gave it up presumptuously.  Therefore, I "have" to allow that 1% to exist, or I am responsible (to myself) for squashing that potential.

I really identify with that, Sunfl0wer. I want to give my mother the benefit of the doubt, the 1% chance. Always. No matter how many times she disappoints me I still live in that 1%. Each time I let her back into my life I think maybe this time she'll get it right. I'm starting to slowly come to terms with how naive that way of thinking is, or if not naive then just blindly hopeful. My mother has behaved consistently for 55 years so why should I expect her behavior to miraculously change?

After having had a week now to process, I've realized some things.

I've realized it's never going to get any easier dealing with the disappointment of not having a normal mother. I can regain my mental and emotional strength on NC, but even after a year of NC, the disappointment of not having a mother who cares enough about me to celebrate my major life moments with me still cuts so deeply.  I did not expect to be so depressed after seeing her; I thought I'd come so far in the last year.

I've realized I cannot break NC again. Any break in NC seems to trigger that 1% hope response. Maybe this time, maybe this time... .Then I sink into sadness when that hope is squashed by my mother's disease and I head right back into grief and mourning.

I've realized that even though I told my mother not to come to the wedding that her existence is still hovering over me, burdening me. I have to believe that will dissipate in the next several weeks as I settle back into NC and regain my joy.