I just hate feeling like I have been thrown to the curb

[lovers knot]

LostGhost, yes! I just responded to your thread, and in there, I make some comments about how similar our situations are and how I was wow'd by what you shared, because it mirrored a lot of my own woes.

"They change facts to match their feelings sometimes." Oh, absolutely! It's incredible, and I sound like a broken record, but I can relate to everything you're going through, with the pain of questioning, pondering if it's a good idea to say something in reaching out, the whole nine yards. It's interesting, because MOST pwBPD are really passionate, loving, extremely caring and are capable of immense bouts of love, but then there's the other side of the token, as well, that one just has to deal with. You sound like a very compassionate person, full of love and true care for her, and I can mirror these traits, as well, because like you said, there's sacrificial benefits to what we have to offer, which is unconditional love, etc., but when we've been given the ST, or ignored, or even split black, it's like a knife that is slowly turning in one's chest, and you're left with so many questions.

Interesting that your ex has said similar things that my dear friend has said; doesn't need men, is independent, hates when she is looked upon as lackluster, etc. My friend with BPD used to go through bouts of alcohol/cigarrette binges, as well, but then she realized it was wrong after all I had told her, had encouraged her, been validating her, given her positive news, positive words, always, never failing, and she told me that she would just pour it all out and throw out the cig. She once told me that I was the "sweetest person in her life" and that "you came into my life to save it," and so on--all of the beautiful things that make you feel so special. "I miss you very much!" and so on, but then total silence, nothing. "I want to catch up on everything!" ... .but total silence. Very complex, all of this, but like yourself, I'm with her till the end; I feel so compassionate about it all, and the more I learn, the more compassionate I become.

Maybe you're right--there may not be a romantic partner at all with her, but instead, she may be just getting the validation she needs from other people. She recently got a job as a middle school teacher, so I'm sure that her co-workers are filling her needs, and she's also busy, etc. I've always maintained, though, that no matter how "busy" a person is, they aren't THAT busy to merely totally ignore their friends and family. It's just an excuse, in my opinion. I know that I've been busy often, as well, and other people are, but I and others MAKE TIME for their friends; it's just the normal thing to do, but you and I both know that we're not dealing with "normal minds" here; this fear of being abandoned, the fear of intimacy, core shame issues, and so on, are at the root of all of this.

The great news is that my dear friend acknowledges that she has a problem, and once told me that she needs to get help, and sought out help and the last I heard, she had therapy sessions lined up, which made me so happy for her! This is always a great step. She told me that she knows that her friendships are often stormy, and that she's a "terrible friend" at times (she admitted it, and that's good!), but said that she wants to get help so that she can give the care and love and attention that her dear sweet friends and family deserves from her, and how could one not applaud THAT? I'm just trying my best to remain positive, but the pain does return sometimes, and that's only normal.

So, it sounds like you've been thinking about the letter, as well, and have also been warned that it may make you appear weak, may re-start her ST Clock all over again, and may make you look needy, etc., and this is precisely where I've been, as well. It is a really, really difficult decision to make! On the one hand, you want to reach out and show them that you care, but I've always heard/read and have been told that when they're in this cycle, that when we've painted black, or are just being given the ST, that they don't emotional satellite-in on the common emotional connections that we may tell them--it's almost a kind of no-win situation in some respects, because it's up to their own feelings and ways of thinking about it all that will impact and determine their actions and if their Non is painted white again, or if there's a re-connect at all. In my case, and I feel like in your case, we both just want to be reconnected in a communicative way, because really, it's difficult not to feel that way when you care so deeply about someone, right? Even with all that we know, all that we've learned, we still hold on to that hope.

What I plan to do, as of right now, is to remain silent. I find myself not wanting to remain silent, to mirror her silence, but I've been advised that that is the best option. If a month goes by and I haven't heard anything out of her, then I may try and reach out, although I'm still ambivalent about that. I think that since it has only been 10 days of NC from her end, perhaps you should merely give it a little more time. I know that two or three weeks seems to be what a lot of people have experienced until they break out of it, and that is what happened with me via my first ST--it was two weeks, and as I wrote and shared her texts in my original post in this thread--the 11th of August being the final time I've heard from her. It's been over 3 weeks now in this new cycle. I didn't stay centered and didn't know about the techniques in communicating with her in the way that I do now, so as I've said, I come prepared the next time (IF there's a next time--sigh!).

"But what if she doesn't? Ever? Am I prepared for that outcome. Right now I don't like to imagine that outcome."

Believe you me, friend, these are the IDENTICAL questions I've asked, myself, often. The big "what if she never responds?" or, "What if this is the end?" Honestly, I'd rather her punch me in the face, then spit on me and kick me on the ground versus going this route. Ostracism. You start thinking, "I'd rather be told that it's over than to say that it's over with pure silence." At least if one is told that they never want to talk to you, they are acknowledging your existence, rather than devaluing you as if you're a piece of nothingness, a rat in an alleyway, or garbage in a landfield. It's a complex web, that's for sure, and I thank you for your kind response and for taking the time to comment; we have a lot in common with this, and so do other folks here! I saw someone write on her the other day: "If it wasn't for this message board, I think I'd be completely insane by now." Ha

I think the thought of them never reaching out again is one area that drives us to want to peek our heads in the door and say, "Hello! I'm still around!" or, "Hello, I still care about you!" but I know that their emotions at these times are so disregulated and critical that it's one of those things where perhaps hearing from us, seeing us, whatever, is actually more damaging than anything else. Not always, of course, for each pwBPD is different, but it's just a thought, and something I've come to discover.

Take care of yourself! Give it some time, and don't say anything for a while. That's what I'd recommend right now... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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