Do most pwBPD live in a fantasy r/s

[helpmewithbpd]

I'm just speaking from experience and more wondering if people with BPD in r/s live in a fantasy word sort of thing like do they expect in the real world that their relationships are going to be like the movies,  it seemed it didn't matter what I did there was always something else not perfect,  like I can understand certain things you want really good and all that but it just didn't matter what I did she would find something I didn't do no matter how small and make it into a huge problem,  is this normal from a pwBPD?  I must say it kept me wondering all the time what was going to come up next,  I remember the last one was how I used to pick tea up when I left work and take it home weather it be from the supermarket or take away and half the time I would get a little treat for all of us,  or her alone and half the time I wouldn't and it turned into this massive problem  that I wasn't in the same place as her in the realitionship because I didn't think of her and buy her something everytime,  so I must not love her the same way as she did me,  it still does my head in thinking about this,  it didn't matter what it was there was always something so small that wasn't perfect that turned into a situation that we would break up over and leave me apologising in tears telling her I was sorry and I'll make sure it changes,  then it would change but then she would just find something else that wasn't perfect,  is this love a normal thing or is it more just a complete relationship break down because of my actions?

[Pretty Woman]

Hi HelpMe,

  YES, they believe in a fantasy that does NOT exist. That's why as soon as they see you are not perfect (which none of us are), the push-pull games and devaluation begins.

It's so important for us to remember this... .every relationship is just a "new fantasy" , a new "White Knight" to save them. I have had the blessed opportunity to meet three exes before me and same story... .one was actually abandoned in another state, two were cheated on back and forth between each other and one, well one is now one of my best friends and the pattern of her relationship was almost IDENTICAL to mine. She dated her in 2008. She even left her for someone she left me for in 2013.

It doesn't end until you end it.

Who really needs saving? The White Knight!

HelpMe, a few months ago I threw a very expensive birthday for my ex. I invited people out of state who knew her... .including exes she was friends with (she has no friends only exes   ). Later, I realized this was a giant trigger, which was not intentional on my part but probably sped up her devaluation of me.

Did she appreciate the party? No. She slammed me for not kissing her at the party.

I had taken off work a few days to set this up. I was working with another friend of ours with expensive taste (this was held at her home). I spent 2K on a party I could have thrown for $400... .

I did this because I wanted it to be special for her and surprise her.

Three weeks later, before a huge trip to Mexico I was dumped on my arse for a person we just met in a social group I run.

My ex has not spoken to me in three months and I have been painted blacker than black. Ironically she is still contacting the person whose home housed her party. She even sent her "thank you" flowers.

I didn't even get "thank you".

They are cruel as hell. Once they attach to someone else you have no importance to them. It hurts because they are replaying all your intimate moments with a new person who is just as "infatuated" as you were at the begining of this fake relationship. It also seems to come on suddenly, like overnight when in actuality while she is telling you "I love you more than anything"... .likely she's been telling everyone for months what a Godawful ass you are.

They are notorious for this and it happened to me throughout our relationship.

Why do I call it fake? Well it was one-sided. You were the only person in the relationship with the ability to truly love. They aren't.

If someone REALLY loved you, you wouldn't be treated like this.

So yes, complete fantasyland for these people. You were set up to fail by her. Don't blame yourself. There is nothing you could have done to change this... .you just didn't know what you were dealing with.


PW

[Gonzalo]

Their extreme emotions lead them to respond disproportionately to things and to rewrite their memory of the encounter so that they didn't overreact. Due to years of this they have very skewed values, often in confusing ways, and end up perceiving situations in a way that is skewed from reality.

My ex blew up one time because I made BLTs (a food she liked) for dinner on a weeknight and had chips with mine but didn't offer to make her a different side dish (she didn't ask for one). She ended up screaming at me that I was accusing her of being fat because I didn't offer to make a side dish and that I didn't appreciate her difficulties with work (she couldn't eat a big lunch). If she had said she wanted some instant pasta as a side, I would have made some without a second thought, but she'd rather have an explosion.

But it goes deeper than this. Later on she talked about the incident to someone else, and it was completely different. Gone was the accusation of her being fat, and instead what she was upset about how I had made such a plain, boring dinner for her while I'd excitedly make a steak dinner for another woman. (We were poly, but I wasn't actually dating the woman in question). Her retelling ended with her, like a true martyr, talking about how she had come to accept her role as the 'sandwich girlfriend' and to appreciate me doing things for her that weren't as impressive as what I did for other people but were small and comforting.

The thing is, the 'steak dinner' she was complaining about was just some on-sale pork chops and frozen vegetables, I had made the same thing for her using chicken breasts (she didn't eat pork other than bacon) so many times she would b___ about being tired it. The only reason I was excited about the food was that I didn't often eat pork chops because I would usually make dinner for both of us. And I took her out to dinner, including dinner at steak places (she didn't eat beef either) dozens of times, including a really nice place for our anniversary.

But none of the facts really mattered, because she had gotten mad at me about the sandwich so obviously there must have been a good reason for the anger.

[mitchell16]

this post made me think about something my exBPDgf said. When we first starting dating she told me had liked me for awhile before I asked her out on date but prior to me asking her out she had told all her freinds she had an imiginary boyfriend and I was her fantasy boyfriend. Move foreward to one of her raging sessions a few months into our so called relationship. Shes raging out of control and she screams at me " I never wanted to be in a relationship with you I wished you had just stayed the fantasy" thats some scary stuff.

[Michelle27]

Oh, I now believe my stbxh saw our relationship as very different than it was.  He constantly moved the goalposts of what I could do for him to make him NOT rage.  In the meantime, he refused to entertain my needs in the relationship saying if I just did this or that (whatever he raged about each time) he would then look at my needs.  After 9 years of this (15 years total in the relationship), when I called it quits finally, he actually had the nerve to tell me that I didn't give him enough of a chance to meet my needs.  Obviously he saw the relationship in a very different way than I did... .

[Pretty Woman]

Michelle,

  They are like "Lucy with the Football" in Charlie Brown. Your goal post comment so reminded me of that. You go to kick the ball and land flat on your arse. And we KEEP doing that even though they've set us up to fail many, many times.

That's what we all need to remember... .we were set up to fail. A BPD relationship is a no-win situation.

[Michelle27]

Michelle,

  They are like "Lucy with the Football" in Charlie Brown. Your goal post comment so reminded me of that. You go to kick the ball and land flat on your arse. And we KEEP doing that even though they've set us up to fail many, many times.

That's what we all need to remember... .we were set up to fail. A BPD relationship is a no-win situation.

So true!  And I forgot to mention that his projection had HIM telling ME that I constantly moved the goal posts which I found so bizarre because he never actually tried to do anything that I needed or wanted in the relationship.  Even when we were doing a trial separation for 3 months before I ended things for good, he wanted to take me on dates every couple of weeks.  I was uncomfortable with it, but went along thinking if we did reconcile, it would be good to keep some kind of connection.  When I called it quits, he got mad that I "let" him take me out on dates during that period.  Huh?

[Pretty Woman]

I LOVE when they change the story and make you think like you are going crazy (as you just mentioned above, Michelle). That is probably the most frightening thing. All of it is such emotional abuse. We WERE abused.  It's not physical but WOW, mentally and emotionally destructive. That is the hardest part... .trying to get me back! I actually was pretty happy before all this.

[disillusionedandsore]

I am reminded how with my ex there was constantly something I "wasn't letting him"  do.  If I had a dollar for every time I heard 'you won't let me - - " ( fill in the blank)  Poor me,  before finding out about BPD I would actually agonise over what impression I had given him,  how he saw me,  what words I had used to express myself,  I could not understand how he had took me up so wrong,  how we had gotten our wires crossed... .Even before the more obvious abuse started this used to upset me because I felt responsible for our 'disconnect'... .Sigh... .Hours of my Life I will never get back... .So grateful I figured it out eventually

[FannyB]

At the start of the relationship they are soothed by the intensity of positive emotions generated and the hope that we are indeed 'the one'.  Their manic intensity is initially diverted into idealizing us. When we inevitably prove to be flawed, they are hurt and disappointed in the way that a small child is when they feel let down. To cope with the tsunami of negative emotions now unleashed they devalue us in order to find an escape valve for their stress and disappointment. 

They then start looking for a new love interest in order to be soothed again.  The reality of the situation is that we are just collateral damage in a maladaptive scramble for emotional survival.


Fanny

[Pretty Woman]

Thanks, Fanny. Bingo!

The reality of the situation is that we are just collateral damage in a maladaptive scramble for emotional survival.

[gameover]

ALL OF US LIVED IN A FANTASY R/S TOO! 

We just had a harder time giving it up. 

[FannyB]

ALL OF US LIVED IN A FANTASY R/S TOO! 

Of course we did - we just took a little longer to work out that it wasn't all it was cracked up to be!  PwBPD realise quicker as most have trodden this path many times before whilst many nons haven't.