Much help needed

[Depression = 72% of members]

20 years as a non bp. All ending in a huge tumultus realisation of this notion whilst in a messy custody battle. It's over now. I didn't have much evidence sadly, so I didn't get the custody I wanted for the kids, that they also wanted and expressed to the court (8,10,12) my 12 year old daughter in particular said she did not want to live with mum due to her being violent towards her and also constantly bullying.

I'm Trying to move forward positively for all concerned with much difficulty. 1 her ongoing behaviour, 2 my own wounds. I can't really control 1, so I'm trying to address 2 as best I can.

Was looking for a group who meets in person in London to help support each other? Couldn't find any online. But maybe this forum could be helpful. I really do want to move forward. The wounds in me are deep. The psychological abuse was truly psychopathic. A lot of gas lighting, a term which I only now have been made aware of when I was reffered to emergency abuse specialists after the ex was arrested and cautioned for physical assault to me. Yes she still got the kids, nothing I can do about that now as evidence was interpreted as thin.

Anyhow yes the moving forward thing! It's like I take 2 steps forward then 10 back! The knowledge and realisation of everything now that I've 'seen' the truth of it all has been harrowing. I wasn't actually where of it other than chaos that I was trying to firefight. I guess I saw each incident as one offs as that's the only way I could survive and deal with it. With the help of the specialists one now seen the complete picture with clarity and wow it really was a suite the whole 20 years. Now the specialists only worked with me while I was still deemed as in danger, but now I've secured a place to live etc, they don't have resources for the full rehabilitation I need to undergo!

Yes I've read a lot, and I have the knowledge and read the walking on eggshells book, and I understand my own issues which allowed me to be so easily manipulated and controlled. She was damn devious though I must say. But now I'm realising that knowledge helped me a lot, but the wounds are deep, really deep. But I want to wake up and be free from them. I suffer now from anxiety, a great deal of sadness, self doubt. Tbh I think it's almost like ptsd. A while a go a car beeped it's horn, not even at me, and I jumped out of my skin. Funnily enough this didn't happen to me when I was still in the maelstrom! Now I'm out its like shellshock? She really was highly volitile. Highly abusive and yet subtly psychopathic.

So any groups in London?

Thanks for hearing me, and i hope all your journeys are better!

I should add im trying all the right things, trying to shackle my perspective back, using a lot of exercises in gratitude, positive affirmations, meditation, and reconnected with lots of my close family and friends who I had become isolated from. I'm having therapy, to focus on myself rather than the ex, it's almost as if the behaviour drew me in so much that my brain didn't even have time to think about myself! And now I'm out it is still doing that! 

So all this work was really paying off and I was feeling very positive, focus was coming back at work, ive managed to keep that going now after having to take a chunk of time off to deal with it all (had to take the time out as the previous judge in four hearings kept the kids living with me, until final hearing with a different judge and it all flipped) but last two weeks my new found strength kind of caved in. Not too sure why.

[Flipper3d]

20 years as a non bp. All ending in a huge tumultus realisation of this notion whilst in a messy custody battle. It's over now. I didn't have much evidence sadly, so I didn't get the custody I wanted for the kids, that they also wanted and expressed to the court (8,10,12) my 12 year old daughter in particular said she did not want to live with mum due to her being violent towards her and also constantly bullying.

I'm Trying to move forward positively for all concerned with much difficulty. 1 her ongoing behaviour, 2 my own wounds. I can't really control 1, so I'm trying to address 2 as best I can.

Was looking for a group who meets in person in London to help support each other? Couldn't find any online. But maybe this forum could be helpful. I really do want to move forward. The wounds in me are deep. The psychological abuse was truly psychopathic. A lot of gas lighting, a term which I only now have been made aware of when I was reffered to emergency abuse specialists after the ex was arrested and cautioned for physical assault to me. Yes she still got the kids, nothing I can do about that now as evidence was interpreted as thin.

Anyhow yes the moving forward thing! It's like I take 2 steps forward then 10 back! The knowledge and realisation of everything now that I've 'seen' the truth of it all has been harrowing. I wasn't actually where of it other than chaos that I was trying to firefight. I guess I saw each incident as one offs as that's the only way I could survive and deal with it. With the help of the specialists one now seen the complete picture with clarity and wow it really was a suite the whole 20 years. Now the specialists only worked with me while I was still deemed as in danger, but now I've secured a place to live etc, they don't have resources for the full rehabilitation I need to undergo!

Yes I've read a lot, and I have the knowledge and read the walking on eggshells book, and I understand my own issues which allowed me to be so easily manipulated and controlled. She was damn devious though I must say. But now I'm realising that knowledge helped me a lot, but the wounds are deep, really deep. But I want to wake up and be free from them. I suffer now from anxiety, a great deal of sadness, self doubt. Tbh I think it's almost like ptsd. A while a go a car beeped it's horn, not even at me, and I jumped out of my skin. Funnily enough this didn't happen to me when I was still in the maelstrom! Now I'm out its like shellshock? She really was highly volitile. Highly abusive and yet subtly psychopathic.

So any groups in London?

Thanks for hearing me, and i hope all your journeys are better!

I should add im trying all the right things, trying to shackle my perspective back, using a lot of exercises in gratitude, positive affirmations, meditation, and reconnected with lots of my close family and friends who I had become isolated from. I'm having therapy, to focus on myself rather than the ex, it's almost as if the behaviour drew me in so much that my brain didn't even have time to think about myself! And now I'm out it is still doing that! 

So all this work was really paying off and I was feeling very positive, focus was coming back at work, ive managed to keep that going now after having to take a chunk of time off to deal with it all (had to take the time out as the previous judge in four hearings kept the kids living with me, until final hearing with a different judge and it all flipped) but last two weeks my new found strength kind of caved in. Not too sure why.

[Turkish]

Flipper3d,

I'm glad you're reaching out for support. As for the judicial bias, all I can say is what the... .?

What's he custody/visitation schedule like. How much do you see your kids? We have resources on the Co-Parenting Board which can help you support your kids in a healthy way. Ot sounds like D12 knows what's going on.

I can't imagine having my kids taken from me. Dealing with the aftermath of a BPD r/s is hard enough on its own. This may not be the last battle though. We have a member on the Legal Board who was in a similar situation (including the DV) who finally won full custody, but after 6 years, if I recall correctly. Document everything that you can.

For now, you're doing the right things. Seeking professional help and reconnecting with family and friends.



Turkish