Reality bites, is it me or was it her

[jq46810]

 2.5 yrs with a BPDP and I am exhausted confused and shattered, my confidence is gone and I cant stop thinking about her. Our relationship mirrored typical Bpd relationship. First 6 months were spectacular the next 12 months ranged from clingy needy,dealing with her insecurities and Bipolar to being accused of being unfaithful, this last year has been a whirlwind, lots of arguments with her needing to go and embellish the story to friends and one by one destroying the friendships, when she ran out of sympathetic ears she started calling the police and in the third episode of her calling the police has left me with an outstanding domestic violence order and she up ad left to go back to the country where she came from. Now what my friends have said is she did that on purpose so she had something to take home with her and use as a "See I told you he was violent". The fact is I never touched her and she was the one who yelled 95% of the time. She has been gone for 4 weeks and for the first three weeks called me and abused me daily demanding money. She then tried quilting me into sending money and telling me she was in a shelter and had no money for food and felt unsafe. She also said if I sent her money she would know I loved her an would start speaking to me, I folded an sent her $5K. When she got the money she went out drinking with her friends and I doubt she was ever in a shelter. She then did the silent treatment on me and it appears that she has moved into an apartment with some friends. So again I've been used and lied too.

I cant deal with all of this trauma and am constantly wondering if she ever loved me or only loved the money and lifestyle I could provide. If you asked her to write down her 5 most important things to her I offered all of those to her however I feel she sabotaged and ultimately destroyed the relationship, WHY?.

I should be happy that I a free but Im not all I want is that first 6 months with her again, I am obsessed and co-dependent and unsure on what to do with myself. I've lost all of my friends my business and have no motivation to move on. Clearly she is and I cant understand how cold and calculating she has been here, its almost psychotic what she has done.

She appears to be happy with her choice and has sent me one text since receiving the money 10dys ago saying she is doing well getting on her feet and that its over. So cold. Her sister told me not to worry as her words always mean nothing and she will call again when she runs out of money, but she has made the commitment to move in with someone so this ne looks permanent.

Why cant I move on and do you think its likely she will contact me again. Why has she done this again. She has a new fan club cheering her on and supporting her and I am left with nothing all because I tried to take care of someone I loved and that I thought loved me

I'm really stuck. I want desperately to send her an email outlining how I feel but I know that would just aggravate her further and would achieve nothing.

What goes through their mind

I have been through hell and feel completely lost and disempowered.

[once removed]

hey jq46810 

ive read some of your other posts. it is quite a whirlwind youve been involved in. i can certainly understand why you would feel exhausted, confused and shattered, without confidence, and be ruminating. many of us have experienced similar  .

"I should be happy that I a free but Im not all I want is that first 6 months with her again, I am obsessed and co-dependent and unsure on what to do with myself. I've lost all of my friends my business and have no motivation to move on. Clearly she is and I cant understand how cold and calculating she has been here, its almost psychotic what she has done."

i felt that way too. i "SHOULD" be happy that im free. i wasnt, i only desperately wanted her back, at least at the time. i want you to know that so much of this is the natural reaction of trauma, as well as a kind of addiction to the whirlwind of the relationship. it doesnt make it any easier, but our feelings are not a matter of "should" or "shouldnt". this feeling will be with you for some time. fighting it may make it worse. you feel "wrong" for feeling for someone who has treated you this way. your feelings will sort themselves out as you heal, but thats going to take time.

have you had an opportunity to look through our lessons here? the links directly to the right are a great place to start. learning more about the disorder will help you "make sense of it all" as well, that is, at least in the context of the disorder. with your current situation, the smearing and then running back to you, you may find this article on triangulation very helpful:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

the roles on the triangle are interchangeable.