Messed up bad please help

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

i had a google plus profile and, as a joke while drunk with friends one night, uploaded a picture of him then his new gf under my dogs name. Got a good laugh and deleted (i thought). Today I took a closer look and realize these got placed as profile pictures,were undeletable and very much private. Even worse the picture uploaded of him replicated 6 times; so 6 times under my dog's google+ profile are those pictures.  Now i know the reason behind 1000 page views and all that weird contact; he WAS looking, and the contact was probably a joke. either that or he simply relished my suffering (if u remember I also had links to some sad songs on there which were inadvertently public for a while but then i made private).  I deleted the entire profile as the picasa account that held the pictures was frozen due to a terms violation ... .im assuming he reported me (but do not know for sure) but continued to look.  

i have waited 5 months writhing in agony for the opportunity to get closure.  i know this probably means I blew it and cant. i would seem like a creepy stalker but I simply dont want to suffer anymore.  I have ptsd from this and have become severely avoidant and people phobic;  everyday I wake up screaming from nightmares if I sleep at all.  After all these months despite my best efforts I am still stuck.  i want closure damn it, i want this nightmare to be over.  Even if he is mean or ignores me or really does think im a monster and evil stalker I dont care I want to be free .  the fear controls me NC, screw him and what he wants.  im afraid to go to nyc again even.  

Im tired of being afraid of him.  no one deserves that much power.  He wants me to stay intimidated and terrified. 

[Beach_Babe]

i had a google plus profile and, as a joke while drunk with friends one night, uploaded a picture of him then his new gf under my dogs name. Got a good laugh and deleted (i thought). Today I took a closer look and realize these got placed as profile pictures,were undeletable and very much private. Even worse the picture uploaded of him replicated 6 times; so 6 times under my dog's google+ profile are those pictures.  Now i know the reason behind 1000 page views and all that weird contact; he WAS looking, and the contact was probably a joke. either that or he simply relished my suffering (if u remember I also had links to some sad songs on there which were inadvertently public for a while but then i made private).  I deleted the entire profile as the picasa account that held the pictures was frozen due to a terms violation ... .im assuming he reported me (but do not know for sure) but continued to look.  

i have waited 5 months writhing in agony for the opportunity to get closure.  i know this probably means I blew it and cant. i would seem like a creepy stalker but I simply dont want to suffer anymore.  I have ptsd from this and have become severely avoidant and people phobic;  everyday I wake up screaming from nightmares if I sleep at all.  After all these months despite my best efforts I am still stuck.  i want closure damn it, i want this nightmare to be over.  Even if he is mean or ignores me or really does think im a monster and evil stalker I dont care I want to be free .  the fear controls me NC, screw him and what he wants.  im afraid to go to nyc again even.  

Im tired of being afraid of him.  no one deserves that much power.  He wants me to stay intimidated and terrified. 

[enlighten me]

Hi Beachbabe

Im sorry your going through this and can relate to your feelings as I have been there myself.

Yes the photo thing was a mistake. These things happen. I understand how it would be eating you up and the whirlwind of thoughts going through your mind over it.

It might not help but ive come to realise that these kind of things aren't as big a deal as we make them. Nearly all of us have had a drunken night where we made a fool of ourselves in one way or another. The next day you wake up and feel shame and regret. You avoid people as you are scared of what they will say or think about you. You avoid going back to the place as you expect to walk in the door and everyone turn and laugh or comment. I have done some pretty outrageous things in my younger wilder days. Plenty of scope for ridicule. What Ive discovered is these events are fleeting and theres always something new that comes along to distract people.

The only person apart from you that will hold onto this is your ex. Whether they vilify you for it or see it as an attachment doesn't matter. That is their choice and nothing you can do will change that. What matters is how you deal with it. Do you let it eat you up or say oops and move on.

It doesn't matter what our exs say and do the only person that can give you closure is you.

You've been here a while and from your posts I have seen that you have a good understanding of what you have been dealing with. You know what you want and how to get there but it feels to me that you are holding yourself back. Please don't take this as a criticism as I to held on to long to a dream even when I knew it was over and knew what I should do.

Don't be too hard on yourself. You've come a long way. You have friends around you that support you. Use their energy to take a different path.

EM

[Beach_Babe]

Thank you for that, EM. What do you mean by "knowing what I want and how to get there but are holding self back"?

[Infern0]

i had a google plus profile and, as a joke while drunk with friends one night, uploaded a picture of him then his new gf under my dogs name. Got a good laugh and deleted (i thought). Today I took a closer look and realize these got placed as profile pictures,were undeletable and very much private. Even worse the picture uploaded of him replicated 6 times; so 6 times under my dog's google+ profile are those pictures.  Now i know the reason behind 1000 page views and all that weird contact; he WAS looking, and the contact was probably a joke. either that or he simply relished my suffering (if u remember I also had links to some sad songs on there which were inadvertently public for a while but then i made private).  I deleted the entire profile as the picasa account that held the pictures was frozen due to a terms violation ... .im assuming he reported me (but do not know for sure) but continued to look.  

i have waited 5 months writhing in agony for the opportunity to get closure.  i know this probably means I blew it and cant. i would seem like a creepy stalker but I simply dont want to suffer anymore.  I have ptsd from this and have become severely avoidant and people phobic;  everyday I wake up screaming from nightmares if I sleep at all.  After all these months despite my best efforts I am still stuck.  i want closure damn it, i want this nightmare to be over.  Even if he is mean or ignores me or really does think im a monster and evil stalker I dont care I want to be free .  the fear controls me NC, screw him and what he wants.  im afraid to go to nyc again even.  

Im tired of being afraid of him.  no one deserves that much power.  He wants me to stay intimidated and terrified. 

He can't give you the sort of "closure" that you think you want BB, it's simply not possible,

[Beach_Babe]

This time its for me. What he does or doesn't its on him.  My submissive respect  has left me phobic and petrified. This is ridiculous. I dont care what he wants anymore.  i want to be free, I want the nightmares to stop.  Its the one thing I havent tried to unstick myself.  Going to sit on it a few days dont worry. The mere fact one drunken mistake could absolutely flip me out like this (oh no what will king npd think/do?) is crazy. You guys are right it needs to end. And now.

[enlighten me]

Hi BB

Your last post summed up what I was saying. You know you want it to be over and done with you know you want to get on with your life but your still allowing him to control your thoughts and feelings.

This was the difficult part for me as I worry too much about what people think of me. Its a hard thing to change. I started to look at it a different way. Do they deserve to have an opinion about me that matters. There are some people out there that count and others that don't. Some because they are genuinely nice who you respect and others that are horrible that you avoid. Once I started to apply this filter it became easier for me. Rather than trying to please everyone I could be selective. Funny but I got rid of a lot of stress quite quickly.

[patientandclear]

BB, your larger point is that you want not to be afraid anymore, and you want his view of you not to weigh so heavily on you.  Such an important realization.

I'm thinking that, far from "messing up," this episode with the "dog" picture is a chance to move in that direction in the most important venue there is: your own head.

Can you work on feeling that it's fine you posted that pic and it's fine if he saw it?

It IS fine.  First of all it IS pretty funny.  Second, it's nothing compared to the unkind condemning things most people on this board have said directly to their pwBPD at some point, and my sense is you never even did that.  I think it is HEALTHY to be critical of the way this guy treated you and healthy for him to know about it, even.

Also fine that you took it down if, FOR YOU, you don't want to be the kind of person who posts an ex and his new gf under your dog's account.  But it was funny while it was up.  And kind of spunky.

My ex went right from proclaiming that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me to pursuing a much younger woman who worked with us both.  It was super painful and I went into NC for a long time (10 months) and rebuffed his one overture for contact because from others I knew he was getting hot and heavy with the younger woman at the same time.  (Yuck, still.  Ew.)  Anyway, I had the hardest time processing the loss while in NC.  I was super stuck so I have related a lot to your posts and I don't necessarily disagree that you might want to have contact to move along in your healing process. Sometimes current info about how the person actually is and actually behaves can help us accept.

Anyway, about 9 months into NC, I was doing some google searching re my ex in that way we do when we're information-starved, and learned he had something displayed in a local gallery.  I went to see it one day just to have some sense of what he was working on.  WOW--when I walked in HE WAS THERE.  I was so horrified he might have seen me.  I turned and left as fast as I could but really thought he might have seen me.  The shame of being caught caring -- being caught pseudo stalking -- it made my face flush bright red and I was breathing fast.  So embarrassed.

Till I got about halfway down the block.  Then I thought ... .well, so?  This guy hurt me a ton.  I did ZERO that was bad to him.  Even here, I just showed up to look at his piece.  I AM having a hard time recovering from this r/s.  If I had to say all of those words directly to him to explain myself, how bad would that really be?

There's nothing wrong with what you did.  Work with that, and see if it helps lose some of your fear.  "It's fine if he saw.  I'm not ashamed of my feelings or my reaction to what he did."  Work on that.

[Beach_Babe]

EM:  No   I don't want it to be over and done with, at least in terms of friendship. But it seems to be the reality. Of course i'm attached to him;  I was pregnant with their child  at one point (which I later lost).  It's something I've never mentioned because it is always been so hard for me to talk about. I don't think that my ex is a horrible person. I understand that he has mental illness. And I know there were good things many good things in this 14 years were wouldn't of hung around. I don't think he's with the ex anymore anyway  because she recently sent me a FB friend request.  I didn't respond because I don't want to repeat mistakes;  I had no business confiding in that mutual friend,

patientandclear:  that's a great advice you have. I do need to work on accepting the situation. It is embarrassing I think that's the main thing. It makes it look like I am obsessed with him, and his life . Something which I know would only feed his ego. I guess that explains five months of no contact, highly unusual. He didn't need any feeding he was getting it all from my site. It makes sense now all the page views and weird contact was happening. I'm fairly certain now he was looking, just judging from the timing of stuff.  

Thank you so much for sharing your story. It feels good to know I'm not alone. What happened when he saw you? Did he make contact? I remember you were on the staying board for a while. What made you decide to give up?

[enlighten me]

Hi beachbabe

Im so sorry. My exgf miscarried and it broke me. I cannot imagine what it did to her. I do not hate either of my exs. They have a lot of good points. Unfortunately their disorder makes them do things that make us incompatible. I do not believe my exs hate me even though they have both told me they do in the past.

I have thought about the friendship thing but don't believe it would work. Whether its because I would get enmeshed again or if it would be too painful to see them with someone else Im not sure. All I know is that I had to let them go for my own sanity.

EM

[Beach_Babe]

His reaction truly surprised me;  he acted indifferent and seemed to blame me. Then I discovered he had a 13 year old son he never told me about.  The whole thing was mindblowing. He told me he was sterile from chemo as a child also so yeah thats the other thing... .I stopped taking the pill.  I feel sick wondering what other lies I have been told. But I guess thats part of the disorder. i want to be able to forgive him. For myself.

[HappyNihilist]

Beach_Babe, I'm sorry you're in such distress over this.   I know what it's like to have that whirlwind of thoughts, criticizing yourself and feeling like you've done the worst possible things.

I understand a lot of where you're coming from. It sucks bad. Those torturous thoughts - feeling so scared - feeling so under his control - feeling like I needed his presence in my life - wanting closure.

It's hard to get un-enmeshed from someone. Especially when we have low self-esteem and very submissive aspects.

This workshop helped me a lot with my abandonment depression - The Five Stages of Abandonment - Susan Anderson, MSW

What stage do you think you might be in currently?

I agree with enlighten me. You have a good understanding and you know where you want to be.

You've been here a while and from your posts I have seen that you have a good understanding of what you have been dealing with. You know what you want and how to get there but it feels to me that you are holding yourself back. Please don't take this as a criticism as I to held on to long to a dream even when I knew it was over and knew what I should do.

Don't be too hard on yourself. You've come a long way. You have friends around you that support you. Use their energy to take a different path.

Taking anything your ex could do or say out of the equation - what do you think you need to do to start to get where you want to be? What might a good first step look like?

Don't beat yourself up. Work on forgiving yourself.

This was extremely hard for me. When my therapist first called me a "perfectionist," I didn't believe her. My interpretation of a "perfectionist" was someone who was very organized and detailed, and that is so not me. But then she told me that what she means by 'being a perfectionist' is 'holding yourself to unrealistic standards.'

I'm a little bit older than you, BB  - and I can tell you that I've learned that those mistakes or flaws that I thought were so horrible and world-ending? Weren't actually disastrous at all. And also? Everyone is making mistakes, everyone has flaws.

You forgive and accept and love others - now is the time to learn how to forgive, accept, and love yourself. 

[Beach_Babe]

HN: Thank you, I will check out that book.

Taking anything your ex could do or say out of the equation - what do you think you need to do to start to get where you want to be? What might a good first step look like?

I think I need to stop being afraid, to emotionally disengage. I really think he enjoys the fear.

[HappyNihilist]

I think I need to stop being afraid, to emotionally disengage.

I think you're right. 

It starts with turning the focus onto yourself. Ask yourself questions.

What are you afraid of? That he will 'forever' split you black?

Why does this idea scare you so much?

You can do this. 

[Beach_Babe]

Because I could never do the same =(   

[HappyNihilist]

Are you saying that you're afraid because you could never split him black?

Please let me know if I misunderstood somehow.

If that is your fear, then why? What does it mean for you if you can't split him black forever?

[Sadly]

Bless you BB, have totally been where you are now and it hurt like hell, still does if I let it.

What does it mean for you if you can't split him black forever?

I really thought and really tried to become just friends, it didnt work, it hurt far too much and the thought of him with someone else, of being introduced as a "friend" tore me to bits. So I tried to hate him, split him black, as black as he has painted me, there was a lot to hate as well as love believe me. I couldn't do that either, you dont sound as if you could hate anymore than I could. Eventually I knew, not just seeing/reading the words but actually knew, that he is mentally ill, end of. I let go. I have very very sad moments mourning my loss, the loss of what we had in the beginning, not the loss of what it turned into.

I dont know much about people who have remained friends with their exBPD partners. My attempt just gave him licence to be as selfish and critical as when we were together. Thats not friendship.

Whatever you decide I will give you big hugs and best wishes    .

ps

I am still sad but am looking forward to becoming me again if that helps xx

[Beach_Babe]

HN:  no im afraid of contact with him.  In my mind he has been split black too;  If I saw him id probably pass out and have a panic attack, excellent way of coping.  It does bother me if someone I was shared so much with (and was so close to for so long); whose child I carried forevermore sees me as the spawn of Satan.  I dont care who he sleeps with, im happy if he found better. But I sure don't deserve that.  It hurts. Even worse now he thinks im a psycho and stalking him probably. Oh well. 

sadly:  Im so sorry what you have gone through. How linghas it been for you? 

[HappyNihilist]

If I saw him id probably pass out and have a panic attack, excellent way of coping.

Don't be so hard on yourself. I'm going to tell you something, and it's the god's honest truth - if I saw my exBPDbf in person, I would probably pass out and have a panic attack, too. I consider myself detached, but still, I honestly don't think I could handle that initial emotional overload. I'm confident I would be able to get myself under control (although no doubt still shaken), but that initial moment?

I mean, and I'm sure this is TMI but I think it might help you to hear this - when we first saw each other after weeks-long and sometimes months-long periods apart, I would throw up. That's how deeply this man affected me.

It doesn't matter that I fully accept that we can never be together if either of us wants to be healthy. It doesn't matter that I don't feel like he has power over me. I would still fall apart at first.

But I'm not afraid of it. I accept that it will probably happen if I ever see him (it's highly doubtful). I'm at peace with realizing this about myself. And, because I'm at peace with it, I don't think about it. I don't worry about it happening.

So what I'm trying to say is - Life gets a whole better once you start the process of letting go and detaching.

It's ok to still be emotional about him. It's ok to not like the idea of someone you love and shared so much with thinking about you in such negative terms. It's ok if you think he will always trigger your emotions. It doesn't make you weak. It doesn't make you 'less than.' It doesn't make you a psycho. It makes you human.



I think that building your self-esteem might be a good focus for you right now. This statement makes me sad -

im happy if he found better.

You might find some helpful advice and information in these workshops -

TOOLS: Dealing with ruminations

PERSPECTIVES: Self respect and our sense of ourselves

[enlighten me]

I was thinking about the point made of our exs painting us black.

Like with us I believe they need this to get over us. Like with us I also believe that once its served its purpose then it is no longer needed. My uBPDexgf had many exs. There were tales of alcoholism, cheating, emotional and physical abuse. Even though they had supposedly done these terrible things there was still a fondness in the way she spoke of them. Even the guy that beat and raped her she would reminisce about.

I think its harder for them when there isn't any substance to their accusations. They have to work harder to paint us black so we become blacker than black. This is their way of protecting themselves. Over time it will fade and they will be left with regret. This I believe is why we get stalked, recycled and reached out to. This is also part of why I think recycles fail as they paint us black again as soon as they are scared and it is the same black they used to try and get over us in the first place.

[Beach_Babe]

its eating me alive.  i was no angel either, believe me. im sure I hurt him too.

[patientandclear]

patientandclear:  that's a great advice you have. I do need to work on accepting the situation. It is embarrassing I think that's the main thing. It makes it look like I am obsessed with him, and his life . Something which I know would only feed his ego. I guess that explains five months of no contact, highly unusual. He didn't need any feeding he was getting it all from my site. It makes sense now all the page views and weird contact was happening. I'm fairly certain now he was looking, just judging from the timing of stuff.  

Thank you so much for sharing your story. It feels good to know I'm not alone. What happened when he saw you? Did he make contact? I remember you were on the staying board for a while. What made you decide to give up?

I wouldn't say I have given up, nor was I "trying" while I was in touch with my ex.  I went with what was and tried to find out what it meant.  It ultimately meant, like Sadly writes above, that I found the terms on which he was willing to engage with me didn't work for me.  That's why we're not in touch now.  If something changes for him it could be different, though I can give you 100 reasons why that is unlikely.  But I found that out by being in touch with him.  It has helped to clarify a lot and it has helped for the definition of the terms of the r/ship to be a decision made at least in part by me.

I spent 10 months in complete NC after he broke up with me and then got cold feet about getting back together.  During that time, I rebuffed the one overture for contact he made during that time (I later learned he was getting hot and heavy with another woman at that time -- I assume he reached out to me as a triangulation safety value.  Mmm, tastes good!)

I think the reason I was able to explore the terms of our connection later without a ton of damage to me is that I did enter than long NC period.  It hurt like hell to sever the connection.  But I did it because I could feel myself turning into a mound of jello, so dependent on whether he responded to me, how he felt about me, whether he would want me.  I did not want to become that -- and I did not want us to become that.  Self respect and respect for him made that feel awful.

When I got in touch with him I felt different.  Felt I was OK with his choice not to or inability to be my partner.  I would not have tried exposure to him otherwise.  It got a lot more complicated after that but that is a whole 'nother story.

When I saw him in the gallery, it was still during the NC period.  I don't think he saw me -- he has never said anything about it.  But what I had to work through in my mind was -- well, if he did, so what?  I have nothing to be embarrassed about here.  You don't either.  Your post was funny.  It was appropriate to the circumstances in my opinion.  How terrible would it really be for him to get the message that you don't think super highly of his behavior?

It can really help to just play out the supposed worst case scenario and make peace with, yeah, so, that happened.  Not the end of the world.  I can live with that.  That's what happened when I thought my ex might have seen me show signs of still caring about him.  I did!  It was completely reasonable that I did!  He asked me to care a lot about him and then he left me abruptly and then he started dating a woman 19 years younger than him whom he'd misled me to think was only a friend!  I had zero, ZERO, to be ashamed of.

You have zero to be ashamed of here either.