This is annoying me so much

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Has anyone got any advise for me regarding this impulsive thought?

I won't go into detail about my ex as I'm sure a lot of you have red about it on here before, but to out it in its most basic context, I was dumped because I didn't want to give her the baby she craved for, she then blocked me on everything, got into relationship 2 days later and fell pregnant and moved my replacement in 2 months into the relationship.  She has recently dumped the new guy, only a month into giving birth, a year to be exact.  Now I don't have any emotional attachment to this woman anymore, it's not like it was 6 months ago, hoping to connect again, it's that I've come along way over this past year, physically bettering myself as well as growing social circles, basically I feel as if I have a high self esteem.  The problem I'm having is that, I was expecting her to reach out after this break up, not to recycle but as if to show I meant something in some way, shape or form.  I am friends with all my exes even though I don't speak to them, it's indifference, I have met indifference with my ex and now it's got to the point where I want to email her basically saying you ready to be friends yet? I think the reason why I want to make the contact is because I don't want or should I say like feeling like 2 years of my life didn't exsist.  She's friends with all her other exes very distant, but still able to communicate, but even after a year I'm still blocked, what gives seriously? If she was indifferent I wouldn't still be blocked.  I just want to be friends with her at an arms length, like I have exes on my Facebook we don't talk but it still shows a memory by having them even without communication.  Why is this bothering me so much? Is it because I have all my confidence back and I've met indifference, is it because I was expecting her to unblock me? I don't know and this thought has been driving me mad for the past few days.

Thank you all for your responses as I very much appreciate all of them.

[jammo1989]

Has anyone got any advise for me regarding this impulsive thought?

I won't go into detail about my ex as I'm sure a lot of you have red about it on here before, but to out it in its most basic context, I was dumped because I didn't want to give her the baby she craved for, she then blocked me on everything, got into relationship 2 days later and fell pregnant and moved my replacement in 2 months into the relationship.  She has recently dumped the new guy, only a month into giving birth, a year to be exact.  Now I don't have any emotional attachment to this woman anymore, it's not like it was 6 months ago, hoping to connect again, it's that I've come along way over this past year, physically bettering myself as well as growing social circles, basically I feel as if I have a high self esteem.  The problem I'm having is that, I was expecting her to reach out after this break up, not to recycle but as if to show I meant something in some way, shape or form.  I am friends with all my exes even though I don't speak to them, it's indifference, I have met indifference with my ex and now it's got to the point where I want to email her basically saying you ready to be friends yet? I think the reason why I want to make the contact is because I don't want or should I say like feeling like 2 years of my life didn't exsist.  She's friends with all her other exes very distant, but still able to communicate, but even after a year I'm still blocked, what gives seriously? If she was indifferent I wouldn't still be blocked.  I just want to be friends with her at an arms length, like I have exes on my Facebook we don't talk but it still shows a memory by having them even without communication.  Why is this bothering me so much? Is it because I have all my confidence back and I've met indifference, is it because I was expecting her to unblock me? I don't know and this thought has been driving me mad for the past few days.

Thank you all for your responses as I very much appreciate all of them.

[disorderedsociety]

She obviously still carries shame and finds no point in reconnecting, as she knows where the convo would go. Do you have anything she needs at this very second? She's found more convenient supply that doesn't involve faking sincerity. Be sure your sense of self isn't invested in what she does

[jammo1989]

She obviously still carries shame and finds no point in reconnecting, as she knows where the convo would go. Do you have anything she needs at this very second? She's found more convenient supply that doesn't involve faking sincerity. Be sure your sense of self isn't invested in what she does

The thing is, she did try and contact me back in January after 6 months of NC, she face timed me, I tried calling back and I was obviously still blocked, so I emailed her saying you rang me? She then said no I didn't, how are you, you ok? And I just replied with a print screen and her reply was oh right yeah I'm sorry about that. So I cut the conversation and she hasn't reached  out ever since. 

I can see exactly what your saying about do you have anything she needs right now? but to this day i will never understand the blocking, as you say is this based on her own shame about how she treated me?

Thanks by the way

[disorderedsociety]

She obviously still carries shame and finds no point in reconnecting, as she knows where the convo would go. Do you have anything she needs at this very second? She's found more convenient supply that doesn't involve faking sincerity. Be sure your sense of self isn't invested in what she does

The thing is, she did try and contact me back in January after 6 months of NC, she face timed me, I tried calling back and I was obviously still blocked, so I emailed her saying you rang me? She then said no I didn't, how are you, you ok? And I just replied with a print screen and her reply was oh right yeah I'm sorry about that. So I cut the conversation and she hasn't reached  out ever since. 

I can see exactly what your saying about do you have anything she needs right now? but to this day i will never understand the blocking, as you say is this based on her own shame about how she treated me?

Thanks by the way

Np. I would say they're all different in how they go about things but there are some fundamentals. The blocking is probably because she's incapable of providing any true emotional connection or intimacy and only fakes it on her time, when she needs something.

[Mutt]

Hi jammo1989,

I understand that you have a history with remaining friends with your exes.

I wouldn't take this personal. Her bf left her and she has a newborn baby. How many weeks old is the baby?  She could be struggling with the baby blues, she has a newborn and she's likely very busy and may have a lot of stress.

If you email her I suggest emailing her something short and sympathetic like how's mom and the baby?

[jammo1989]

Hi jammo1989,

I understand that you have a history with remaining friends with your exes.

I wouldn't take this personal. Her bf left her and she has a newborn baby. How many weeks old is the baby?  She could be struggling with the baby blues, she has a newborn and she's likely very busy and may have a lot of stress.

If you email her I suggest emailing her something short and sympathetic like how's mom and the baby?

Hey Mutt

She broke up with him, because all her friends were saying he doesn't love you and you can do better, mind you some of her friends were the same towards me out of jealousy, their bfs were coke users, verbally abusive, where as I was the complete opposite.  Yeah he baby is only 1 month old, is it possible to be in low contact with someone based on the past I've spoken about before, or will she drag me back in so far then push away? I just a friendship with her like I have with my ex before, as I'm really good friends with her, no flirting just a mature relationship.

[enlighten me]

There could be a number of reasons behind it. She just doesn't care, she has a lot going on in her life with a newborn or it could be shame.

My personal feeling is shame. She knows she messed up with you. The fact that she has someone elses child means that theres probably no chance of getting back together and being friends with you would be like picking at an open wound it would never heal.

My question is why is it so important to you to be friends? You say that you don't want two years of your life to never have existed but is that really the case? Have you kept in touch with everyone that has been in your life? I have school friends that where a huge part of my life that I am no longer in touch with that doesn't negate the time we spent together.

[jammo1989]

There could be a number of reasons behind it. She just doesn't care, she has a lot going on in her life with a newborn or it could be shame.

My personal feeling is shame. She knows she messed up with you. The fact that she has someone elses child means that theres probably no chance of getting back together and being friends with you would be like picking at an open wound it would never heal.

My question is why is it so important to you to be friends? You say that you don't want two years of your life to never have existed but is that really the case? Have you kept in touch with everyone that has been in your life? I have school friends that where a huge part of my life that I am no longer in touch with that doesn't negate the time we spent together.

Hey Enlighten

I think the real reason deep down is because she was my 2nd longest relationship, and I was the closest to her in regards to her having 2 kids, and just having that kind of environment, working together to look after her 2.  Yeah, your right in regards to not speaking to some people again from high school, but through choice I could communicate if I wanted to (leaving the door open) plus when your in a sexual relationship (BF GF) it just adds to the connection and loss.  I'm not used to the blocking, as no one has ever cut me out like that, and even now as someone whos indifferent, my mind doesn't understand why I was blocked, because she was spoilt with me, and I treated her better than any of my exes.  Even if she was just on my FB friends or unblocked my number with no contact initiated I'd be happy with that, but being blocked and staying blocked is what's bothering me a lot. Thing is if she didn't care she wouldn't have blocked me at the beginning.  Also, as I've met indifference I'm not in denial or having this hope that I use to cling on, I just want to be unblocked, maybe it's due to never being treated like this before, what do you think?

[enlighten me]

Personally my ego has a lot to answer for. I don't mean this as Im big headed and have a sense of entitlement but in a way that I have built up a picture of who I am and how I should be treated because of who I am. I am a nice guy, I help people and feel that because of this I should be treated likewise. To have someone not makes you question this. It doesn't sit comfortably with you as it goes against what you believe.

I hope that makes sense.

Like I said before being friends with you is probably to shameful for your ex. The blocking is her way of not being triggered by seeing you as it reminds her of how she messed up. Most people don't like to be reminded of their mistakes and pwBPD are no different.

We can all form our own conclusions that sit comfortably with us to explain what we have been through. Whether its the truth or not. Some like to vilify their exs and make it out that they were just evil. Others accept that their exs were ill and nothing could be done to help. Others blame themselves and think they could have done more.

For you I would accept the fact that she had feelings for you but messed up and because of this its not possible to be friends.

That's just my opinion though based on my experiences with my exs.

[jammo1989]

Personally my ego has a lot to answer for. I don't mean this as Im big headed and have a sense of entitlement but in a way that I have built up a picture of who I am and how I should be treated because of who I am. I am a nice guy, I help people and feel that because of this I should be treated likewise. To have someone not makes you question this. It doesn't sit comfortably with you as it goes against what you believe.

I hope that makes sense.

Like I said before being friends with you is probably to shameful for your ex. The blocking is her way of not being triggered by seeing you as it reminds her of how she messed up. Most people don't like to be reminded of their mistakes and pwBPD are no different.

We can all form our own conclusions that sit comfortably with us to explain what we have been through. Whether its the truth or not. Some like to vilify their exs and make it out that they were just evil. Others accept that their exs were ill and nothing could be done to help. Others blame themselves and think they could have done more.

For you I would accept the fact that she had feelings for you but messed up and because of this its not possible to be friends.

That's just my opinion though based on my experiences with my exs.

Thank you enlightened, your so right with what you write, she sounds at the end of her tether, she's apparently gone back to the girl who can't control her anger, where as when she was me due to mirroring her anger never came to the surface physically, where as with the guy before me she ended up in Anger Management.  It looks as I everyone has gone against her due to having 3 kids at 25 etc, a part of me felt if i contacted her I know how to help her as a friend, BPD/HPD etc, and I'd do it for the sake for the kids, but you are right stay out of the drama and let her make her own judgements in life even if they are terrible.

[AwakenedOne]

... .just a friendship with her like I have with my ex before, as I'm really good friends with her, no flirting just a mature relationship.

An ex romantic partner now having a mature relationship / friendship with someone who suffers with emotional immaturity and volatility is possible? Seems highly unlikely at best. Might be a bit like gluing a hornets nest on to your head. Probably going to get stung once in awhile.