SweetCharlotte
 Offline
Gender: 
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Recently estranged. Married 8.5 years, together 9 years. Long-distance or commuter relationship.
Posts: 493
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« on: September 07, 2015, 01:48:43 AM » |
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You hardly hear from me anymore because my relationship has stabilized. My uBPDh and I are happy together. When we have a disagreement, it's like a normal relationship. I know when to tread carefully to avoid triggering him, but usually I feel I can communicate freely.
In the past three months, there was only one instance during which he painted me black and refused to speak to me for a few days. I bided my time, knowing that it would be over and he would forget about it. Also, he has gotten much healthier. His eating is more under control and he is almost at his ideal weight.
I want people on this board to know that it can happen! Learning the relationship skills can add up to this.
I do wonder about one thing from the past, and of course I cannot bring it up with him because it would trigger him. When we became involved, he had not filed a tax return in over ten years. He assumed that he would have qualified for a refund for all those years, but when I figured out the taxes for him, year by painful year, the truth was he owed several thousand for each year. The total was about fifteen thousand. He went to see someone in the tax department to request clemency on the penalties and interest, and perhaps negotiate a lower settlement. They told him to hire an accountant and have the accountant file the request for him. It sounded strange to me, but I waited to see what he would do. We were having severe problems at this time, with him blaming and accusing me all the time. He acted like the tax problem was my fault because I had discovered it.
Months went by without him hiring an accountant. He was almost at the end of the period he had been given to sort things out. Finally, I recommended a woman I knew from school who has became a tax accountant. She had graduated first in our class, and I had graduated second. I assumed that she was still very smart and would be competent. However, she apparently did nothing to help him. She charged him very little, but she said that he could not obtain any forgiveness or leniency. By then he had no time to look for another accountant. Since then, he has been paying the tax debt on a monthly basis. It is one of his many debts, and by no means the highest one. The experience has caused me to dislike my old classmate. My uBPDh now blames her for his having to pay the whole amount, and feels that I should not have recommended her. He believes that she bore me a grudge and took it out on him. It has ruined my memory of her.
I am still a little lost in the FOG about this. I wonder, did the tax employee really advise him to hire an accountant and why? If the answer was going to be negative, he could have saved the money and filed the request himself. Did my former friend really do him a disservice? Could she have made a stronger case for him and gotten part of the debt forgiven? I approached her about it and her attitude was that I had married a bum who got what he deserved. She definitely had little sympathy for him on account of his not filing or paying for all those years.
At least I learned never to meddle in his past messes or recommend a particular professional to him again.
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