Broken

[lovenature]

I find what is toughest for me day to day currently is the broken down empty shell of a person I have become, I am 38 yrs. old and can remember being a rational, decisive, realistic person when I was in grade school. While we were together I had no idea what BPD was, I was going out of my mind trying to make sense of the craziness, and ended up loosing touch with reality, and loosing myself. Learning about BPD and my part in the relationship with my uBPDexgf has helped me understand why my health has gone so far down.

I need to work on my co-dependency (victim/rescuer), and remembering the person I once was so long ago; the confidence and self esteem I had, gives me hope that I can recover. Little by little, one day at a time.

[HappyNihilist]

lovenature, I'm so sorry you're having a tough time.     

It's completely understandable to feel so completely drained and exhausted. I felt broken down and empty, too - just a walking, talking husk. You've been wounded to your core, and it's perfectly natural to need time to recover and lick your wounds and focus on your self-care.

You recognize your codependent nature and that you gravitate towards a victim/rescuer dynamic. You also realize that you have strength and reason within your core being. Now you can begin the work of examining those different parts of you and seeing which ones benefit your life and well-being, and which ones don't. Eventually, you will build a happy life that is authentic to who you are and what you value in life. You're doing good work. 

This is the key -

Little by little, one day at a time.

It doesn't happen overnight. Believe me. It's a tough process. But it is so worth it.

You deserve to feel whole and happy. 

Have you looked at this thread yet? TOOLS: Dealing with Enmeshment and Codependence

It really helped me better understand the role I played in my own enmeshed/codependent relationship, and helped me get a better feel for the ways in which my relationship triggered this aspect.

It's important not to forget to just take care of yourself. Is there something you could do to treat or indulge yourself?

[Invictus01]

Nah, man, you are not broken. Maybe bent a little.  Maybe the paint needs to be retouched a bit... .But by the time you are done with this, you will be like new. True story.

[fft524]

One day at a time is key. I was fortunate to have some heads-up as to what I was dealing with, and I STILL feel drained, used, uncertain, and broken. I'm coming to accept that I have codependent traits, too.

I don't know you, but remember this: it is not your fault, despite what your pwBPD (and others) may have told you.

You can get re-centered, you can find yourself again.

The only reason I didn't completely lose myself in my pwBPD is because I sought professional help at the outbreak of the first crisis cycle, and was lucky enough to be warned. I still gave in to my codependent tendencies, but that heads-up saved me.

My point is that even with that warning, I still struggle.

DO NOT EVER GIVE UP.

I still fight to get out of bed. I still fight to find the good in life. I still have trust issues. I still miss her.

But I fight.

You can, too.

Little steps... .Little Steps.

[poedameron]

I felt exactly the same before and after... .I was a successful person, business owner... .40 years old... .father of 2 from a previous relationship... .still am, but the 2 years I was with my exBPD everything in my life suffered... .I'd say 80% of my energy was used on her and trying to make her happy... .it was horrible and wonderful... .

... .I'm only out 3 weeks and every day is different... .I cried myself to sleep the first few days... .I find myself wanting to forgive her one day, and hurt her the next... .

One positive thing is I never realized how much I was a rescuer as a person... .I never thought I put other's problems above my own... .but once that person shows me love, I become a rescuer.

Remind yourself of this: Her/His love for you was FAKE... .it was not real love... .it is simply a series of acts she/he was using to fill their black hole.  You were just another void filler... .as sad as it is... .and they'll find another one, and another one ,etc.  If it's not a person, it's a TV show or character, or a new "best friend", or pinterest (not kidding).  One of my ex's "best friends" was going to be the maid of honor in her wedding to a guy before I met her... .well, that friend found out she was lying to her about having brain cancer.  Then I found out she lied to me about having stomach cancer amongst other things.  Yours might not be this bad, mine was evil incarnate even though she didn't know it. 

Remember too that your relationship was going to implode eventually... .better now than later... .they wasted those months/years of your life... .really they did.  It was fake... .and the sooner out the better you are even though it sucks at first... .stills sucks for me sometimes... .but I think once I meet the right person who is not insane, the BPD relationship aftershocks will disappear fast.

Good luck we are all sharing the same experience here =)

[lovenature]

Hi H.N., thanks for the support. I do play snooker and pool every week, try to get out golfing when I can (my favourite sport), and ride my motorcycle when I feel up to it. My 2 dogs mean more to me than anything else in this world and I must keep going for them!

[HappyNihilist]

I do play snooker and pool every week, try to get out golfing when I can (my favourite sport), and ride my motorcycle when I feel up to it.

Awesome! Those all sound like fun. It's great that you're doing things you enjoy. I found that doing stuff like that really helped ease those tortured, chaotic thoughts and gave me the chance to reconnect with myself.

My 2 dogs mean more to me than anything else in this world and I must keep going for them!

 Pets are the best, aren't they? My kitties gave me a lot of moral support during the aftermath of my BPD relationship. I'm glad you have beloved companions for support and inspiration.

I know it feels sometimes like it will never get better, that you'll never feel like 'you' again. But it does get better, and this is the perfect opportunity to rediscover yourself.

Hang in there, and keep posting! We're all family, and we're all here for you.

[SGraham]

Nah, man, you are not broken. Maybe bent a little.  Maybe the paint needs to be retouched a bit... .But by the time you are done with this, you will be like new. True story.

Haha invictus, i gotta tell you, that little "true story  " made my night! Something about it was so well meaning and funny, like when you're trying to cheer up a friend by being silly. Anyways, lovenature, im sorry to hear you're struggling. Im kinda in the same place as you, its hard when you feel like your sense of self was destroyed. Hang in there bud, were all here for you.

SG

[Invictus01]

Nah, man, you are not broken. Maybe bent a little.  Maybe the paint needs to be retouched a bit... .But by the time you are done with this, you will be like new. True story.

Haha invictus, i gotta tell you, that little "true story  " made my night! Something about it was so well meaning and funny, like when you're trying to cheer up a friend by being silly. Anyways, lovenature, im sorry to hear you're struggling. Im kinda in the same place as you, its hard when you feel like your sense of self was destroyed. Hang in there bud, were all here for you.

SG

We all have been there, I think. You are in such a crazy state of confusion right out of a relationship like that, it really does feel like your are destroyed, broken. But it's just extremes talking, it gets better, you are fine. The worst you can do is get down on yourself. And, it helps when somebody points that out, in a funny friendly way

[lovenature]

Thank You all for the support. It is great to be among others who understand.