My mother is an uBPD - my " very short " story

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi... I'm a guy 53

I live 1500 miles away from my mother.

I'm the youngest if 3.

Currently, I'm receiving the silent treatment because when I called my mother to wish her a happy bday this past July, I also was excited to tell her that I was with someone whom I was thinking of marrying. Immediately she RAGED and said "Where's My Birthday Card?" - I was dumbfounded by what she said and extremely hurt that she once again could not share my excitement and joy, but wanted to crush me and sht on it.

That was the recent thing that brought me here. She had always kept me in a state of financial dependency. I always feared her... .like a bug monster in the the little shop of horrors, I was trained to feed the big flesh eating plant and keep it happy.

Well, I HAD It... .she'd broken my heart for the last time.

I was convinced afterward that she's BPD/NPD.

I remember when I was 14 ... my cat was sick. I had planned to go out with friends that day and she was talking about taking my cat and having if put to sleep. The cat was healthy, just at the time was vomiting. I refused to leave knowing she wanted to do that.

After repeated requests for her to not do that, she conceded and told me Ok, I won't do it. I told her I want to come home and find my cat.

The cat "Mittens" was my best friend at that time.

Well, I trusted her and when I returned, she took my cat and had it put to sleep.

Another time when I was 18. I painted my first mural on my wall (I am an artist, at least I like to think so) it was a lifesize portrait of Elvis.

I had left for Art college in CO and returned for Christmas break 3 months later and when I walked into my bedroom, the wall was completely painted over.

She didn't even take a picture of it ... .it was worthless to her)

I've deep down HATED her for these things. There were MORE things... but these were the things that damaged me.

From the age of 14 I think I started disassociating.

I'm sure I can go on and write more but I'm typing on a phone and its emotionally exhausting.

I did manage to find work again and haven't asked her for any $help. I'm sure she's pissed about that... .cause that was her hook... .so she could control me.

I was reading other posts. ... but I wish I had a normal loving mother that was THERE emotionally.

I just wanted to share a few things with this group. I came here not only because of the uBPD mother... but I suspected my exgf was BPD as well...

It was how I was trained... all too familiar. I hope to God that changes, cause I want a normal emotionally equivalent woman for a partner.

I no longer want to be alone... .or rather tolerate being alone.

Johnny

[JohnnyShoes]

Hi... I'm a guy 53

I live 1500 miles away from my mother.

I'm the youngest if 3.

Currently, I'm receiving the silent treatment because when I called my mother to wish her a happy bday this past July, I also was excited to tell her that I was with someone whom I was thinking of marrying. Immediately she RAGED and said "Where's My Birthday Card?" - I was dumbfounded by what she said and extremely hurt that she once again could not share my excitement and joy, but wanted to crush me and sht on it.

That was the recent thing that brought me here. She had always kept me in a state of financial dependency. I always feared her... .like a bug monster in the the little shop of horrors, I was trained to feed the big flesh eating plant and keep it happy.

Well, I HAD It... .she'd broken my heart for the last time.

I was convinced afterward that she's BPD/NPD.

I remember when I was 14 ... my cat was sick. I had planned to go out with friends that day and she was talking about taking my cat and having if put to sleep. The cat was healthy, just at the time was vomiting. I refused to leave knowing she wanted to do that.

After repeated requests for her to not do that, she conceded and told me Ok, I won't do it. I told her I want to come home and find my cat.

The cat "Mittens" was my best friend at that time.

Well, I trusted her and when I returned, she took my cat and had it put to sleep.

Another time when I was 18. I painted my first mural on my wall (I am an artist, at least I like to think so) it was a lifesize portrait of Elvis.

I had left for Art college in CO and returned for Christmas break 3 months later and when I walked into my bedroom, the wall was completely painted over.

She didn't even take a picture of it ... .it was worthless to her)

I've deep down HATED her for these things. There were MORE things... but these were the things that damaged me.

From the age of 14 I think I started disassociating.

I'm sure I can go on and write more but I'm typing on a phone and its emotionally exhausting.

I did manage to find work again and haven't asked her for any $help. I'm sure she's pissed about that... .cause that was her hook... .so she could control me.

I was reading other posts. ... but I wish I had a normal loving mother that was THERE emotionally.

I just wanted to share a few things with this group. I came here not only because of the uBPD mother... but I suspected my exgf was BPD as well...

It was how I was trained... all too familiar. I hope to God that changes, cause I want a normal emotionally equivalent woman for a partner.

I no longer want to be alone... .or rather tolerate being alone.

Johnny

[JohnnyShoes]

Anyone care to lend some support?

I mean, I've read where you encourage people to share... .and so I get the courage up to share these things... .and no one has responded.

I'm wondering Why? Cause I'm a guy? I man can't have had abuse from a BPD mother?

I'm asking for support. Validation...

I have no one else.

[Turkish]

JS, bravo to you for posting this... .Maybe it's a guy thing, but it seems more women survivors of child abuse reach out to others. More later... .

T

[Enoughforme]

Oh Johnny I give you a hug   it is not easy. It sounds to me that you are taking steps in the right direction by taking that one carrot that she hangs over you. The less control they have over you - it is a little easier because it is your choice if you talk to her or not. You are lucky that you live quite a distant from her. Are you saying your have not talked to her since July (3 months) some of us here would call that a blessing. Is it you are scared of her, or is it the words she says that make you question who you are?

Please keep posting and reading posts. You will learn a lot. I am still learning myself -

[Turkish]

Murdering your cat like that was unbelievable cruel, Johnny. It's obviously stuck with you, and I'm sure you have many more stories of cruelty.

I think abuses like this are like Little Deaths contributing to the demise of the parent we wished we'd had, as opposed to who they were. There are so many stories here, which despite everything, are told my those who still wish for the Good Parent, but whose wishes are stardust.

As for choosing romantic partners with similar traits? I'm with you there, friend. The good thing is that you're here talking about it. Acknowledging how our past affects our present is the first step in healing. Sometimes I think it might be the hardest one, perhaps due to shame. Yet we don't know what we don't know.

T

[JohnnyShoes]

Thank you Turkish... .and EnoughForMe.

I appreciate your response. I'm at work now.

Will post some more another time.

I work those late night shift for the past month... .and have not gotten used to it.

Now, my car needs work and that's more $...

I was waiting for the other shoe to drop and its my car.

I think I'm suffering from depression and anxiety... Along with lack of sleep and not eating right.

I'm slowly falling apart.

My car is very heavy on my mind. Hopefully I can have that done real soon within the next week or so.

I'm rambling now.

Just wanted to say thanks.

More to come. I just need more validation and comforting words and other peoples stories as well... .that I'm not alone in this.

Though I am alone except for me and my dog (whom I love like my kid)

My mother, she had the cat put to sleep. Perhaps it IS equivalent to murdering my cat but never saw it like that.

I guess it would be the same... I mean... .what else would you call it.

[Turkish]

Call a spade a spade. Maybe I was being over the top. However, it killed that part of you which trusted your mother to protect you, your kitty being someone you loved.

[JohnnyShoes]

Call a spade a spade. Maybe I was being over the top. However, it killed that part of you which trusted your mother to protect you, your kitty being someone you loved.

Yep. Cold truth it is.

[Auslaunder]

Hi Jonny shoes,

I'm sorry your mother isn't sharing your happiness that you have met someone special. Congratulations! An engagement announcement is very exciting! Unfortunately it is very common that parents with BPD don't see weddings as happy occasions, but fear they will be abandoned due to the new person in your life. Is your mother your only family?

The things she did to you in the past were horrible and it is good you are moving on with your life and becoming independent of her. Putting some physical distance between you and her may help, but also placing some emotional distance so that view your relationship with her in a more analytical way. The book, " Stop Caretaking the Border line or Narcissist How to End the Drama" has helped me. Also it is important to practice to good self care. You say you having trouble eating right, sleeping, have anxiety and depression and good self care will give you more confidence and happiness.

[JohnnyShoes]

Hi Jonny shoes,

I'm sorry your mother isn't sharing your happiness that you have met someone special. Congratulations! An engagement announcement is very exciting! Unfortunately it is very common that parents with BPD don't see weddings as happy occasions, but fear they will be abandoned due to the new person in your life. Is your mother your only family?

The things she did to you in the past were horrible and it is good you are moving on with your life and becoming independent of her. Putting some physical distance between you and her may help, but also placing some emotional distance so that view your relationship with her in a more analytical way. The book, " Stop Caretaking the Border line or Narcissist How to End the Drama" has helped me. Also it is important to practice to good self care. You say you having trouble eating right, sleeping, have anxiety and depression and good self care will give you more confidence and happiness.

Right now I'm taking a breather from all this.

I'm focused on my needs, what's important to me... .and My faith.

The gf thing didn't pan out... .its what brought me here. I suspected she had BPD. It all ties into my experience with my foo. Replaying relationships subconsciously with my relationships as an adult.

Yep yep... .I'm aware of it. Sometimes I just need to step away from this and FEEL the sunshine on my face... .to breathe... .to look around MY world. To just BE.

Not have to dish out anything, not be required to give of myself... .

Just Me time.

And that's where I am right now.

I don't live near any relatives. Don't have any "close" relatives that I could talk or etc.

Anyway.

Thank you. I will continue to read threads 

[losthero]

Dear JS, its good you are taking a breather and focusing on you. You are important. Our emotional needs were never priority to out BPD/NPD parents. I have read we have to parent our own inner child and learn to love ourselves.  I am trying to do this as I hope you are gentle to yourself and learn how to be a loving parent to your own inner child.  This important unconditional love we missed out on during our developmental stages has had its effect on us.   When you begin to have self love then you will be better able to protect yourself from toxic people and not tolerate the abuse. Maybe you are starting on this path and now you are more self aware. 

[JohnnyShoes]

Dear JS, its good you are taking a breather and focusing on you. You are important. Our emotional needs were never priority to out BPD/NPD parents. I have read we have to parent our own inner child and learn to love ourselves.  I am trying to do this as I hope you are gentle to yourself and learn how to be a loving parent to your own inner child.  This important unconditional love we missed out on during our developmental stages has had its effect on us.   When you begin to have self love then you will be better able to protect yourself from toxic people and not tolerate the abuse. Maybe you are starting on this path and now you are more self aware. 

Thank you ListHero - Good uplifting words.