Leaving the board/ reasons the BPD doesn't reach out

[shatra]

Hi

  I feel upset over my breakup.  Out of the blue (at least for me) after a relationship of several years, my BPD said goodbye months ago.  We went NC and I stopped by to pick up some of my things recently (without calling first, which he got angry about and I think he felt engulfed and controlled).   He insists there is no actual, practical reason for the breakup.  He split me white now that it's months later, yet  he said:

"Good luck to you. I hope you'll find someone better than me"

I would see that as final, except that he has BPD, and we have had breaks before.

I am wondering what the reasons a could be that the BPD splits us white and then doesn't return (since he hasn't returned at this point). Some ideas are:

-----They have a supply and until they split that supply black, they won't rebound to us

-----They feel shame over themselves, and split themselves black at times, and assume we won't take them back (if we are split white)

---Are there other reasons people have experienced?

   Any other ideas or feedback would be appreciated.

    I feel sad switching to the Leaving board. I appreciate the help and feedback I have gotten these last few years on this board.

Thank you

Shatra

[Skip]

   I feel sad switching to the Leaving board. I appreciate the help and feedback I have gotten these last few years on this board.

Welcome to the "Leaving Family". Many of us struggle with the loss you are feeling.  Its hard to let go of someone you love… maybe one of the hardest things in life. Somehow, with a "BPD" partner, we cling to hope that we might not otherwise. Maybe its the over-the-tyop love we once had that is hard to accept that it has past.  Maybe its the impulsiveness and push / pull that we have lived in for a long time or the black and white thinking where forever doesn't mean forever and never doesn't mean never.

It simply hurts. We all work together to detach, mourn, learn, and grow.

[HappyNihilist]

You're already part of our big family, of course, shatra. Welcome to the Leaving family.   You'll find many people who understand.

At Leaving, we grow stronger and heal by supporting each other, and by giving each other the comfort and space to process through and grieve our loss. You'll also find a lot of resources and information to help you understand BPD behavior and traits. This is an important part of understanding our relationships and healing from our wounds.

My exBPDbf also left me without giving any reason. No, I take that back. I kept begging why, why, what had I done, what did I do wrong, why wow why. The only 'reason' he could give me was - "you're too special to waste another second of your life on an a-hole like me."

Looking back at it from 18 months out, I see those words a lot differently now. I see our relationship a lot differently now. (Most importantly, I see myself differently, and in a much more positive way.)

My Leaving family helped me every step of the way on this journey. I wouldn't be where I am today without them.

Welcome to our Leaving family, shatra. Remember, we're all family, and we're all here for you.  

[Mutt]

Hi shatra,

I'd like to join Skip and HappyNihilist and welcome you to the leaving family.

I can understand how sad that this would feel, you have a long history with a partner with BPD. I can relate with the hurt, loss and confusion. My ex partner ended the r/s and I hung unto to hope that something would change. It helps to talk to fellow members that can relate with the hurt from the loss of a r/s with a pwBPD. You're not alone.    

[enlighten me]

Hi Shatra

Im just curious as you say you've had break ups before what feels different about this one?

Theres a lot that goes unanswered in a BPD break and for me actually in the relationship. Theres no teachers addition with all the answers in the back. At times all we can do is give it our best guess and sometimes we have to just settle for what feels comfortable for us to move on.

Your question on "if they paint you white then why don't they contact you" makes me curious as to why you ask it.

Is it curiosity, is it because you are holding out hope that he will come back and want to remove any barriers blocking him or is it because you find it comforting?

Didn't mean for this to sound like the Spanish inquisition. Just wanting to see where your at and where your wanting to get to.

EM

[shatra]

Hi

Thanks for the replies

Enlighten me wrote---

Im just curious as you say you've had break ups before what feels different about this one?

------- This time it has lasted a bit longer. Also he said "Good luck to you" and   "I hope you find someone better than me"... .if I said those things to someone, it would mean I wasn't going to see them again. Not sure if that's true with BPD.



Your question on "if they paint you white then why don't they contact you" makes me curious as to why you ask it.

Is it curiosity, is it because you are holding out hope that he will come back and want to remove any barriers blocking him or is it because you find it comforting?

----It's all of the above.  Yes I would find it comforting to have more of an idea what's going on, and I can't ask him. So I was hoping people here would have experience with similar situations.  Another reason I ask is because of my feeling confused----he acknowledges that the relationship was going well. He is now painting me white... .yet he's not reaching out, which is confusing.

[enlighten me]

One thing that was really made clear by my exgf was that she wanted all her exs to still like her. Maybe she was needing the validation. Who can tell her reasoning but it was really important to her. I suppose that if her exs thought she was ok then she can justify her behaviour as not being her problem.

[SGraham]

-----They feel shame over themselves, and split themselves black at times, and assume we won't take them back (if we are split white)

I think that is a pretty likely scenario. I know my ex has pretty low self esteem so even if i was painted white she would never muster up the courage to talk to me.

[EaglesJuju]

As others have suggested, shame and self-loathing seem to be quite common.

With regard to splitting, I have primarily been split white Unfortunately, my pwBPD tends to split himself black and thinks that he is a "horrible person who has done sh*tty things to me." He specifically has told me that he has so much shame and guilt for the things he has done. Also, he said the shame and guilt make it difficult for him to speak to me or deal with anything related to me.  For him, it is easier to avoid anything related to me. I can imagine how hard it is for someone who hates themselves so much, the thought of things that they have done just adds to their cycle of shame and self-loathing. The only way he can alleviate some of his own shame, guilt, and self-loathing is to not talk to me. Avoidance and escape are defense mechanisms used for survival.

The problem is that he cannot forgive himself for things, which I have let go of a very long time ago. You can tell someone who has this problem a million times that you forgive them and everyone has done things that they are ashamed of, but it is not going to matter unless he/she forgives and learns to love themselves.

[Kelli Cornett]

Seems nice that he admitted he wasn't what you needed or wanted. What more do you want? Sounds like he will leave you alone.

[shatra]

Yes, S Graham and Eagles, the BP's shame and self-esteem issue can be reasons  they don't reach out.

Black Blue wrote--

Seems nice that he admitted he wasn't what you needed or wanted. What more do you want? Sounds like he will leave you alone.

  He wasn't nice about it.  How do you read that he wasn't what I needed---by him saying "I hope you'll find someone better than me"?  I had interpreted that as a goodbye. 


  What more do I want?  Well at times I wish for a reunion with him, and at other times I wish for understanding the breakup---he gave no real reasons. Now, months later he acknowledges that the relationship was going well. He is now painting me white... .yet he's not reaching out

I'm not sure he will leave me alone, as we have gone through these cycles before.

[lipstick]

As others have suggested, shame and self-loathing seem to be quite common.

With regard to splitting, I have primarily been split white Unfortunately, my pwBPD tends to split himself black and thinks that he is a "horrible person who has done sh*tty things to me." He specifically has told me that he has so much shame and guilt for the things he has done. Also, he said the shame and guilt make it difficult for him to speak to me or deal with anything related to me.  For him, it is easier to avoid anything related to me. I can imagine how hard it is for someone who hates themselves so much, the thought of things that they have done just adds to their cycle of shame and self-loathing. The only way he can alleviate some of his own shame, guilt, and self-loathing is to not talk to me. Avoidance and escape are defense mechanisms used for survival.

The problem is that he cannot forgive himself for things, which I have let go of a very long time ago. You can tell someone who has this problem a million times that you forgive them and everyone has done things that they are ashamed of, but it is not going to matter unless he/she forgives and learns to love themselves.

Hi Shatra,

I like what EaglesJuJu has stated here. I - like you - have often wondered why my ex hasn't reached out as I believe I'm no longer "black". My situation with my BPDex is very complicated and I won't bore anyone with the details other than to say that he dumped me and ran back to an abusive marriage. It's where he's been ever since. He tried reaching out once after over a year of Silent Treatment following the discard. Tried to get me to accept a "Friend Request" on Facebook. When I didn't accept right away - he blocked me. That was almost two years ago.

Since that time he has continued to "keep tabs" on me. He also has very strong reactions to any mention of my current relationship status on social media. We have a mutual friend that tells me of the behaviors. It doesn't upset me to hear it - I just wonder why he doesn't try to reach out. Is it really the shame that holds them back? Shame and perhaps fear of rejection? That we'll say that we hate them? I also know that the ex is also avoiding his lake house. We spent a lot of time there and quite a few of my belongings are still in the house. He hasn't been there in over two years. This is a place that he loves dearly. I wonder if this is part of the avoidance that EaglesJuJu mentions?

I want nothing from my ex. At this point - casual friendship would be fine. It's a month shy of three years since he dumped me. But we've known each other over thirty years. Would be nice if we could be civil to each other.



P.S. I also wanted to add that I was never given a reason for being dumped. I called him about five months after the discard to talk about a financial issue. During that conversation - I asked him directly why he left. I got this reply:

"I -I -I -I don't know... .I guess I just couldn't keep it all going".  Also - when he answered the phone and I identified myself - he didn't know who I was.

[EaglesJuju]

The way these relationships end can be absolutely baffling. 

Avoidance is a huge for a person who has so much shame and guilt. If you have a problem with intense emotions and regulation, why would you be around something or someone that triggers those emotions? Generally speaking no one wants to feel depressed. For someone who cannot handle emotions or feelings related to depression that are so intense, they want to avoid them at all costs. The behavior associated with that at first is impulsive. Impulsive behavior helps "regulate" emotions, but the caveat to that can be shame and guilt afterwards. The shame and guilt activate a self-loathing cycle. PwBPD tend to hate themselves more than you ever could, hence the constant self-sabotage. With their tendency for low self-esteem/self-worth they think that you hate them and will eventually reject or leave them.  It is a cycle of depression/anxiety---impulsive behavior/self-sabotaging behavior---guilt/shame-self-loathing.

Many times when a pwBPD tells you that you will find someone better or that you are wasting time on them, it is their way of being "selfless" and letting you go, because they know that there is something broken inside of them. 

I understand that may not change your feelings at this moment or make it easier. Time tends to give you a different perspective.

[Ripped Heart]

Hi shatra,

Like everyone else here, welcome to the leaving board. It's a bold step to take on a journey of healing but a very brave one too. Like you, I began on the staying board and tried to fight for as long as I could. In the end, it was too much and I found myself here asking some of the same questions you are.

There is some great advice and perspectives from the guys here and bit by bit, things will slot into place for you as you start to process and detach.

In my situation, my exBPDgf often reached out, after all I decided to remain friends with her and have no animosity towards her, even now. However, the pattern was always the same, she only reached out when life wasn't going the way she wanted and she needed soothing. Once soothed, the shame/guilt would kick in and she would disappear again until the next time and so the pattern continued.

One thing she admitted to during a conversation one night was how tiring it was for her hiding behind a mask. I was one of the only few people to see behind the mask and accept her for who she was. Though, even that wasn't enough to "save" the relationship. So the phone calls would come because she was pretending to everyone else and the more she did, the wider her inner vortex got and she had to release that somewhere.

The problem during the relationship was that she didn't wear the mask around me so ultimately it began to eat away at her and she had to find someone else who she could be someone else with because she didn't like her true self. Things finally came to a close a few months ago, I went away to work on a project, her daughter got a summer job abroad so we both "abandoned" her and in came a replacement. The sad thing is the patterns are still there and always will be for her. I've had a couple of missed calls in the past couple of months, I've sent a text which simply said "Sorry I missed your call, hope everything is alright" and got no response so I haven't followed it up.

I will always be a friend to her in some respects because she is a good person but the days of being an emotional sponge are long gone.

As eagles mentions, time does give you a different perspective on things and the more you begin to process, the more in control of yourself you will feel 

[HappyNihilist]

Well at times I wish for a reunion with him, and at other times I wish for understanding the breakup---he gave no real reasons. Now, months later he acknowledges that the relationship was going well. He is now painting me white... .yet he's not reaching out

 I understand, shatra, I also wanted closure (at least a 'real' reason) or a reunion. Either one would have been better than the desperate confusion of being 'abandoned with kindness.'

Learning about BPD traits and behavior helped me understand. These relationships are confusing, the endings often devastating. Knowledge helps us put the shattered pieces make together.

EaglesJuju gave you a good explanation of the avoidance behavior often found in pwBPD. Looking at your relationship, particularly the end, through the lens of this knowledge, what do you see?

Many times when a pwBPD tells you that you will find someone better or that you are wasting time on them, it is their way of being "selfless" and letting you go, because they know that there is something broken inside of them. 

I understand that may not change your feelings at this moment or make it easier. Time tends to give you a different perspective.

[Herodias]

So, if they think we deserve someone so much better, do they think the replacement doesn't? Any thoughts on that? I can actually believe this to be true in my situation but what about the rest of you. Sometimes I think they just say that though- mine thinks he has more in common with this one. I'd say yes, both being adulterers and work for the same company. Both wanting lots of attention and both immature- so yes... .Does she deserve an "ass"?- yes,

[enlighten me]

Hi Blueheron

My ex wife also said that I deserved someone that could make me happy. I see this as her understanding she has issues that were destructive to our relationship.

I think with regards to your question on the replacement its more to do with them trying to find someone that fits. In the beginning they have expectations. Their new partner is the answer to their prayers. They have done nothing wrong so have the potential to be the perfect partner. The problem as I see it is that there is never a perfect fit so eventually the replacement gets devalued. My ex wife was devaluing her husband to me two days after their wedding.

[Herodias]

I can see that. A fresh slate- I think mine feels the same. He said too much has happened between us. I just did not understand why it takes til they get married to see the imperfections... .I suppose living together may do it too? Everyone is on their best behavior until they get you in a position where they know they have you I suppose... .

[enlighten me]

It could be a hope that if certain things happen then everything will work out. A magical thinking that everything must follow a Disney fairy story and because its not followed it then that's why its not working.

My ex wife had her tick list to happiness. Once something was ticked off then she would work towards the next. Every time the tick didn't give her the serenity she wanted then she would work towards the next one. Pet, engagement, home, marriage, children etc. non of it got her o the happy ever after she was seeking.

[shatra]

Blu Heron wrote---

So, if they think we deserve someone so much better, do they think the replacement doesn't? Any thoughts on that?

----Yes, they often choose a replacement who is at their "level"... .someone who is not as grounded or have as many positive traits as us, and they assume the replacement will "put up with" them and not be as likely to abandon them.  This is what I have seen happen'read about happening.

[SGraham]

Blu Heron wrote---

So, if they think we deserve someone so much better, do they think the replacement doesn't? Any thoughts on that?

----Yes, they often choose a replacement who is at their "level"... .someone who is not as grounded or have as many positive traits as us, and they assume the replacement will "put up with" them and not be as likely to abandon them.  This is what I have seen happen'read about happening.

Not to pat myself on the back, but i gotta say, i think my ex will have a hard time finding someone who will treat her with as much patience as i did.