Is my girlfriend BPD? Or just highly sensitive?

[Landlord]

I have just exited a relationship with a woman I've had a complex relationship with for 2 years, but have only been dating (quite intensively!) for 5 weeks. "Exit" was a big argument.

Because the connection was so strong and we were focused on the same family values and relationship goals, I am still on the fence as to saving or abandoning the relationship. I learned that some of her behavior resembles BPD and am asking this forum's advice on that:

1. She was a rape victim 12 years ago, and has difficulty trusting men. "Any man could be a rapist" was uttered.

2. She is highly sensitive to criticism, feelings of being 'controlled' by someone, feelings of being disrespected or taken advantage of, etc. When threatened she easily loses her temper (relatively mildly) for 30-60 minutes, and later displays subtle signs of remorse/reconciliation.

3. She often uses words like "perfect" idealizing me or her past relationships. She was quick to say "I love you" and uses often very intense affection language to describe the (intense, affectionate, romantic relationship)

4. When angry, and after the big fight, she changes that to the opposite—now it's terrible. "I hate you from the bottom of my heart."

5. She is afflicted with fibro-myalgia. She is highly sensitive to smells, tastes, temperature and an extremely picky eater.

6. She does demonstrate awareness of her own sensitive ego. She reads the right books, is spiritual and occasionally acknowledges her bad behavior by attributing it to ego and sensitivity. She also comes from a highly argumentative / confrontational culture.

BPD or not, why would anyone want to be with this woman?

She's frank, honest, playful, big hearted, kind to strangers, warm, charismatic, God-loving, family-loving, extremely generous and loyal to old friends and family (though not so much to me).

The breakup happened like this:

we had a minor argument about a broken date. She shouted at me, it upset me, so I asked for a day to cool off. This upset her a lot... .she said I was being over-dramatic. When we met to resolve things, she came ready to fight. I could do nothing to calm her for 30 minutes, finally she managed to get my ire up, I lost my temper briefly, she ran off and left. Later, during a heated text exchange she said she hated me from the bottom of her heart and discontinued all contact with me. Ran into her randomly, spoke briefly, she was civil but cold.

It may be that she is just a highly sensitive woman with trust issues. This I can work with. We had an amazing time together and were already discussing marriage and children, I'd already met her parents and sister, we were really on the same page that this relationship was extremely important to us both. It may be that the few unkind words I said to her simply turned her off, and I need to lead the effort to make things right between us.

OR... .if she has a serious problem like BPD, I prefer not to engage.

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[rotiroti]

Hey there Landlord 

BPD or not, why would anyone want to be with this woman?

She's frank, honest, playful, big hearted, kind to strangers, warm, charismatic, God-loving, family-loving, extremely generous and loyal to old friends and family (though not so much to me).

It almost sounds like you are describing two completely different women and it's understandably so when dealing with someone who is emotionally labile.

What does an ideal relationship look like to you? BPD or not, I feel like if there are enough red flags for you, it would be a deal-breaker

[babyducks]

Hi Landlord,

Only a qualified professional can diagnosis BPD.   Having said that however, please take a look at this link.

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a102.htm

People with BPD often have highly unstable patterns of social relationships. While they can develop intense but stormy attachments, their attitudes towards family, friends, and loved ones may suddenly shift from idealization (great admiration and love) to devaluation (intense anger and dislike). Thus, they may form an immediate attachment and idealize the other person, but when a slight separation or conflict occurs, they switch unexpectedly to the other extreme and angrily accuse the other person of not caring for them at all.

.

Borderline Personality Disorder is a disorder of emotions.  People who suffer from this disorder have a difficult time regulating their emotional responses and have unstable emotional experiences and mood changes; have emotions that are easily aroused, are intense, and/or out of proportion to events and circumstances.   Once their emotions are aroused they take longer to return to a baseline.

The best place to start is in the box to the right of your screen.   It's a collection of links to the most frequently asked questions.  Including What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

'ducks