New and looking for feedback on boundary setting

[uber]

 Hi I am the father of a 23 year old borderline daughter. I am really trying to set boundries with her.  The majority of my life has been consumed with her drama. I want to have a life. I realize that I wont live forever somehow I need to enjoy my life but every time I do she is right back in my face. Now she has a infant daughter. I somehow always let her off the hook. Telling myself that it is her illness that makes her do the cruel and evil things she does. It still does not feel good to be treated like a piece of garbage. I just want to talk to others who are going through this and get some thoughts from people on how I can set boundries  and feel ok with it Thanks!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Panda39]

Hi Uber,

Welcome to the bpdfamily  

Just popped in to point out the box to the right ---------------------------->

You might want to take a look at the "Tools" links for information on Boundaries and other tools that might help with your interactions with your daughter.

Are there particular boundaries that you have in mind you want to put in place?  What have you been trying so far? Have you had any successes?

Below is another link about boundaries:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries

I am also attaching a link about "extinction bursts" because this can be a response you receive back once you set boundaries. (Think about a whinning 3 year old that doesn't get what she wants so she starts crying, then screaming  )

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

Hope some of what I've provided helps.

Take Care,

Panda39

[uber]

Thanks for that. I have tried many things. I was so hopeful for a period of about 6 months we thought she was really making some improvements she was catching herself and not escalating. But out of the blue as always she now claims that she had spoke to a neighor women and friend of my ex wife from years ago and claimed that the woman told her that her brother molested her when she was  a baby. The women had supposedly gotten this info from my now ex wife of thirteen years she told my daughter that I knew this happened. I had no knowledge of this if there was any truth to it or not. My ex I assume was BPD and that is were this info came from. I was floored as a father who raised her when her mom left this hurt a lot I would never let any harm come to my daughter. She believes this women is credible, but I remember her as a women that came up with all sorts of bizarre stories, So next I get a message from the daughter telling me do not contact her and that if I did it would be considered harassment. I have not contacted her. I want to be strong and not answer the phone when she decides that I am ok again it will just repeat itself over and over, She will call me and tell me that her and the baby are being thrown out of there home or there starving or will be homeless. That is when I get sucked in again. I don't want to see the baby homeless or hungry she Is my granddaughter.I know she uses this to get at me. So my question is if I am capable of not answering calls and ignoring her at what point should I attempt to have a relationship  again and on what terms? Every time I forgive for allthe hateful lies and foul names she calls my wife and I she will just repeat the behavior again, Is there any hope? or do I just give up and accept this will never change. I want to bring about change and not enable this I Just have to figure it out or give up.Is this hopeless?

[madmom]

Hello Uber, welcome  I am glad you found this site.  I feel your pain and frustration.  Like you, my daughter with BPD would suck us in so fully and completely into her drama.  Each time, trying to be good, loving parents we would try to help thinking that if we just made things right for her this time, it would all be better.  WRONG! at least in our dealings with her.  Finally, my husband and I found this site and it turned all of our world's upside down----it was hard.  My husband and I really had to sit down together and talk about the boundaries we were willing to set and hold each other accountable for keeping.  I spent a number of hours on the tools and lessons you see on the right hand side of the page and it has been a real game changer.  My daughter is doing well now and has been for awhile now.  Take this time of no contact as a blessing in disguise---use it to work on yourself.  Make a plan with your spouse (and a therapist if that would be helpful) for when she does call.  What are you going to do?  What will you/won't you do?  Why?  Are you lost in the FOG (doing things out of fear, obligation, guilt)?  Only when my husband and I worked on ourselves, made a plan, stuck to the plan (even when things seemed to be worse, rather than better)  did things start to change.  Best wishes---you are not alone.  I look forward to hearing more from you soon.

[qcarolr]

Hi Uber

When a grandchild enters the scene, it steps up the difficulty of hard choices to a new level. I agree with madmom to learn some new ways to communicate with your D, a plan for what your self-protective boundaries need to be, and getting some respite before the next contact with her. If you learn of potential harm to your gd, contact the local social services team to do a wellness check.

Our BPDDD is now 29. In our case we chose to get involved and are raising our gd, age 10. Our gs, now 8, was placed into foster care at 5 months and later adopted by the foster parents. He is doing well in another state and I have facebook contact with the mom.

DD has been in/out of our home over these past 10 years. She is still struggling with many of the same issues and refuses treatment or therapy. She rotates through the same type of relationships that turn toxic and often violent -- sometimes with the same bf's. It has been a process for ME to accept her reality and let go of feeling bad for her choices. The changes that work have been inside of me. She continues to resist/refuse treatment or therapy.  Until she gets to a place where she feels the need to change, her life will most likely stay on the same bumpy path.

The TOOLS are good in the sidebar. I had to get some counseling and build a local support network to stay with the boundaries. DD being in jail most of 2014 for a variety of misdemeanor charges, followed by more of the same -- well she is who she is. All I can do is love her - no matter what she does - and protect my self and family when her actions/words do not feel safe to us.

It feels so good to be able to know, deep inside, that I can love her and hold her at a distance when needed. All at the same time! Wish it had not taken so long -- I am a stubborn, resistant woman myself.

Please come back and let us know how things are going for you and your wife.

qcr

[lbjnltx]

Hi Uber,

Has there been any contact between you and your daughter since the last incident?

lbj