Dealing with critical or otherwise unkind family members

[JadeIshka]

Ugh.

I'm at a loss, and could really use some guidance. My BPDh is the third of 4 boys, and was the youngest for the first 13 years of his life. His oldest brother, who happens to be our 11 year-old son's HERO UNCLE (he's a really cool hotrod skateboard guy), has lately been fairly cruel to my BPDh. He's distancing, being terribly critical, and generally unkind. He won't answer his phone if my BPDh calls, and texts ME when he wants to make arrangements to see his nephew, my son. (I don't mind that, btw, and I like my brother-in-law, generally speaking.)

There are old issues at play certainly--my BPDh has struggled all his life with BPD, and in fact is NOT aware of his diagnosis at this time.

I don't want to split, triangulate, or otherwise step in to this fractured relationship, though my sister-in-law and I have drinks now and then and try to wrap our heads around our husbands, but I do know this: That my BIL's treatment of my husband not only hurts my husband, but has the potential, through activating BPD triggers in my husband, to hurt me and my son as well.

Has anyone dealt with this? If so, does anyone have some wisdom for me? All that truly makes sense, through the lens of my own therapy over the years (and learning to live with and love a BPD) is that I need to stay out of it and support my husband primarily. But... .but... .I need some perspective here. BIL doesn't know about this diagnosis, and might likely shrug it off as an excuse... .that's kind of how he rolls, so to speak. He's not exactly in touch with his feelings or anything (a common thread in this family... .shoot, they might ALL be BPD!).

Thank you all in advance.

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[123Phoebe]

Hi JadeIshka,

Yea, I can see where this situation would get your mind working on resolving it; there are potential triggers everywhere.  Does your husband talk to you about it, is it bothering him as much as it is you?  What does he say?

There are old issues at play certainly--my BPDh has struggled all his life with BPD, and in fact is NOT aware of his diagnosis at this time.

When was your husband diagnosed with BPD?  I'm confused as to how or why he isn't aware of the diagnosis.

Anyway, hang in there; pretty sure we can all relate on some level.

[JadeIshka]

Yeah, that's as confusing as it sounds.

BPDh has heard this before--a therapist mentioned BPD once and I've mentioned it as well. He's kind of textbook, but strongly refutes any diagnosis. "I just hate my job," he says.

Yeah, that doesn't explain the issues.

We're working with a therapist now who is functioning from that baseline understanding of dh as BPD but isn't saying it directly to him because as soon as definitions get bandied about, he flees. Over the years we've seen probably ten therapists at various levels, most of whom he charms utterly. As soon as he senses that he's the "identified patient," he's outta there. He's really good at casting me as the crazy one, despite the fact that he's been committed in the past. That was frightening--a suicidal gesture involving a knife that the kids witnessed. The police came, took him to the hospital, and once the psychiatrist there realized that BPDh WASN'T high or drunk, shrugged his shoulders and said, "hey, stop stressing so much." They were going to release him that next morning but I insisted they keep him for a couple of days in the hopes that FINALLY we'd make progress in getting him some help. But he's ever so charming, and they deduced nothing.   

I've actually recorded arguments before, in part so that I can double check everything said and also so that I have backup for a therapist as necessary.

Anyway, it's a Dr. Jeckyll/Mr. Hyde denial situation and I am SOO glad a therapist he TRUSTS has finally seen through the facade and continues to work patiently without alienating him.

Hope that makes sense. I can hardly wrap my head around it sometimes.

As for the brother issue, yes BPDh is hurting very much over it. He's not in a good place emotionally, but he's been pretty calm and untriggered despite that fact. A huge part of me wants to take my BIL aside and implore him to just BE KIND, but I don't want to meddle either. I don't know... .Thanks for your support.